Holiday Sweets & Seasonal Kisses
by LizD
Summary: Holiday Chapters from Labor Day Through New Year's Eve -- Enjoy --- COMPLETE!
1. Labor Day: All Play and No Work

Holiday Sweets by LizD

As always, JAG, its cast, crew, creators and producers are not mine. With love and thanks.

Another holiday season is rapidly coming upon us! Some of you might remember the holiday stories I have posted in the past. Maybe even a few of you were hoping for the repost this year and didn't expect it to come so soon. On the other hand, some may have been glad to see them get pulled down last year (these tend to be a little shipper sweet). In any case, I am reposting them this year. These are all one-off stories posted under this one title. One chapter has nothing to do with another other than the fact that they are set during the holidays.

Just like reruns, I hope you will re-read them and let them bring a little bit of seasonal joy to you even if it is not one of your MAJOR holidays.

Happy Holidays and may 2010 bring you peace, joy, posterity and health – good, good health.

* * *

**Title: All Play and No Work Makes Mac an Anxious Girl**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Labor Day 2008**

**Spoilers: Season 7, post _Capital Crime_, after Jag-a- thon when Harm and Mac "decided" that they would go back to being friends, and after Mac blurted out to Sturgis that she was "in love with" Harm and PRE the rest of the ugly parts of JAG. Note: taking a little poetic license with the timeline (I know Capital Crime aired in January, but bear with me – just for fun).**

**1630 EST**

**Friday of Labor Day Weekend**

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church Virginia**

Bud Roberts pounded on Mac's doorframe.

Mac didn't look up; she was too engrossed in the paperwork that was spread across her desk. "Enter!" she barked.

"Ma'am, I have those files you were asking for," he said stepping in.

She looked up, confused about what he was referring to.

"LT Walsh and Domino," he reminded her.

"Right, right, sure." She reached for them. "Thank you, Bud."

"Colonel, you are not planning on working all weekend on this, are you?" It was a real question. "I mean, I don't have to go out of town if you need my help."

It was not that Mac had forgotten that it was a three-day weekend. It wasn't as if she hadn't make plans for herself (cleaning out the closets, repapering the shelves in her kitchen, going to Bed Bath and Beyond to get new towels, sheets and a down quilt for her bed, and there was an Iranian film at the Bijou that she had been anxious to see, not to mention a ton of laundry that had been piling up).

"No, Bud. Of course not." She quickly recovered. "Just want to get these notes together while the facts are fresh in my mind."

"I would be happy to change my plans, ma'am," he offered again.

"Don't be silly." She closed the file on her desk. "I'm almost out of here myself."

"Ok, well have a good weekend." He started to leave. "Have you heard from Commander Rabb?" He asked innocently.

"Harm?" She stood up. "No, why would I hear from him?' She could hardly contain herself. She had been pointedly NOT thinking about or talking about Harm since she had her little slip of the tongue with Sturgis a few days prior.

"Oh no reason," he said casually. "I just over heard Commander Turner talking to him."

"Turner?" She was immediately interested. "What were they talking about?"

Bud felt like he was being cross-examined. "Nothing, I don't know … I mean, I wasn't eavesdropping," he explained. "He just told me that the commander would be getting back today."

"That's all?" she demanded.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Ok, thank you Bud." She was dismissing him. "Have a nice weekend."

"Yes, ma'am. Thank you." He backed out slowly. "You too."

Mac slumped back into her chair, the files, the case, the work she had been so completely engrossed in not moments before completely forgotten. Her head was again filled with her own voice saying words she never expected to say out loud much less in earshot of another living soul in fact she wasn't sure she believed it herself.

_**Because I am in love with him.**_

Thos words resounded in her ears in her waking moments and echoed in her dreams for days.

_**Because I am in love with him.**_

Did she really mean it? Was it a Freudian slip? Or was it just something to say to shock Sturgis. Maybe Sturgis was right, maybe whatever she was feeling for Rabb was just something she had to get past, get over, move on from. Maybe it was something else entirely and had noting to do with love.

_**Because I am in love with him.**_

She couldn't possibly have meant it, could she?

After reflecting on her outburst for days, and convincing herself that Sturgis would not out her to Harm and threatening him with bodily harm if he did, she had to ask herself: what would be so wrong if Harm knew? What would be so wrong with trying a relationship with him? What was the worst that could happen? It wouldn't work out and they would break up. They were certainly adult enough to maintain a friendship and a working relationship. God knows Harm could compartmentalize anything.

On the other hand, it could be a very messy break up – one-sided, petty, mean … acrimonious. If they did need to continue to work together it could get very uncomfortable. She might have to ask for a transfer and that would affect the one thing she had been working toward that she would let no one take away from her – her career.

There was a third option. What if they did date, fall completely in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after? How could she deny herself the possibility of a happy ending?

_**Because he is NOT in love with me.**_

She had been convincing herself of that since long before that missed opportunity the night Brumby left and Renee's father died, since long before he alluded to it the night of her engagement party and kissed her as he shouldn't have, since long before Sidney Harbor. And she had done a really good job. She even dismissed his following her out to the Guadalcanal as guilt, ego or just plain competitiveness and not love. Why would she do that?

_**Because he is NOT in love with me.**_

It wasn't because she wanted to believe that, it was just easier. How else could she reconcile the fact that he gave up so easily? He took her offered friendship and nothing more without argument. He had never actually said the words to her – that was typically Harm's way of getting someone else to fill in the blanks and never committing himself. The facts were that he never actually did anything to ensure that they could have more than a working friendship.

_**Because I am in love with him and he is NOT in love with me.**_

Reason enough not to pursue a relationship. Reason enough to push him away. Reason enough to have conflicted feelings that needed to be suppressed.

All very good rationalizations, but that was not the real answer. The real answer was complicated and it had little to do with Mac's feelings for Harm or his for her. The real answer was something that two years of therapy might get Mac to acknowledge on some conscious level. The real answer was at the very core of Mac's being and it affected all her relationships. The real answer was that Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie honestly didn't believe that she deserved the happy ending – with Harm or anyone else. That realization and the permission to allow her self to find real happiness wouldn't come for some time.

"Hey, working late?" Harm's voice came from her open door.

She looked up into his smiling face. He looked tired from the travel, but still very handsome and bright eyed.

"Just trying to finish some things up before the long weekend," she said softly.

He stepped in and dropped his briefcase by the door. "Got plans?"

"Sure," she replied a little too quickly. "You?"

"Not any more," he sighed and slumped down into her guest chair. "Was supposed to go sailing with a buddy and his wife, but the kid came down with the flu … so, as they say … all dressed up and no place to go?"

"All dressed up?" she asked.

"Yeah, the boat is rented and stocked and waiting for us at the marina." He tapped his cover on his knee.

"Sailing … just the three of you?" She didn't want to hear about another person much less a woman, but would not have been surprised. Harm was not the THIRD WHEEL kind of guy.

"His sister-in-law was going to come, but she can't make it either … something about getting ready for school next week."

"She's a student?"

He shrugged. "Don't know … think she is a teacher or something." He wanted to change the subject before Mac got the idea that the sister-in-law was his 'date', though that was exactly what she was supposed to be – a blind date no less. "So what's on your agenda?" he asked.

She started organizing the files on her desk. "My plans pale in comparison to sailing."

A spark of an idea hit Harm. "Anything you can put off until next weekend?"

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"Well, I was just thinking that the boat is paid for, stocked with enough food for four … I could sure use a few days out on the open sea…"

"You just got back from the Patrick Henry," she reminded him.

"Not the same … skippering a thirty-seven footer has got nothing on --."

"Jumping off the deck and slamming it into overdrive?" She smiled stuffing files into her open case.

He laughed and flashed on Mac at home watching Top Gun and thinking of him. "I didn't say sailing was better than flying, but it's a hell of a lot better than sitting a home doing laundry or reading through case files." He nodded toward her briefcase.

"True." She snapped her briefcase closed trying not to look as if he had seen right through her 'weekend plans'.

"Come on Mac … let's go sailing," he asked.

"What?" She was seriously taken back by his request.

"Hey Harm … you're back." Sturgis stepped into the office.

"I am indeed." Harm reached his hand over to shake Turner's but didn't get up. "Thanks for the intel." He said cryptically.

Turner didn't look at Mac. "Sure."

"Heard you two did some pretty fine work while I was away." Harm continued unchecked.

"I was just along for the ride," Sturgis stated. "Mac was the one with all the answers."

The room went silent briefly.

"What are you doing this weekend?" Sturgis asked.

"Sailing, I hope. Help me to convince Mac to go with me." Harm stated easily.

Turner and Mac exchanged a brief look. Sturgis tried to save her, "Not sure I would trust a pilot on a boat Colonel. Particularly a sail boat."

"Hey!" Harm protested.

"Why don't you two go." Mac suggested.

"My father is in town this weekend." Sturgis explained. "And he lost his sea legs many years ago."

"Come on, Mac." Harm asked again. "Tell me you have something better to do. Wind in your hair, sea spray on your face … enough food to choke a horse. Supposed to be a beautiful weekend," he cajoled.

"I'll let you two work this out." Sturgis made a hasty retreat with a brief look at Mac that said: 'go'.

Mac waited until he was gone. "What did he say to you?" she demanded of Harm.

"Me? Nothing." He was taken aback. "What should he have said?"

"The intel?" she pushed. "What was that about?"

"He found something out that he thought I needed to know." He didn't understand why she was so interested. "Why?"

"Forget it." She was sorry she had asked. If Turner had told, Harm would never own it.

"Mac?" he prodded.

"No, nothing," she dismissed. "Can't go sailing this weekend, Harm. Thanks for the offer."

He completely ignored her. "I'll pick you up in an hour … take us about an hour to get there, we will be watching the sunset from the open sea." He got up quickly and grabbed his briefcase. "In fact … you don't need to go home at all." He stated. "I'm sure that you have a bag packed and in your trunk right now … leave the brief case … you won't need that." He came around the desk and was herding her out.

"Harm!" she protested.

"Get the lead out marine … not going to refuse a challenge from some swabbie –"

"So now it's a challenge?" she accused.

"Apparently it has to be … and I know you Mac … you can't back down from a challenge."

She did feel challenged; challenged to survive a weekend at sea alone with Harm. "Fine, but we are stopping at my apartment so I can get a suit."

"A suit?" He grinned. "You mean that two piece you wore in Sydney? Bottoms and a Hat? Totally optional of course." He had to force himself not to lick his lips.

"In your dreams, Sailor." She walked out.

"Yes you are." He said under his breath. For the first time he realized that that plans for the weekend had taken an unexpected turn. The offer to Mac had been innocent enough, but even he had to own that a sailing trip for three nights and three days alone could be very, very dangerous – or it could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. By Sunday it would all be over, or just getting started.

**2245 EST**

**Friday of Labor Day Weekend**

**Off the Coast of the Eastern Seaboard of the USA**

"I'm going to turn in," Mac announced after a very uncomfortable dinner where everything he said, every compliment he gave her, every casual touch supported the theory that Turner had disclosed her secret.

"OK." He was disappointed. He knew there was reason to be uncomfortable, but he was doing his level best to pretend otherwise but it seemed that nothing he could say would get her to relax. "I'll clean up." He stated not moving from his position at the helm.

"No, No … I'll do it ... you cooked." She offered.

"You're my guest Mac, please … let me," he stated.

"How about we do it together?" she compromised.

He agreed but did little more than put the food away and clear the table. He came down with the last of the dishes and placed them by the sink. "The moon is rising," he announced softly.

She nodded. "I'll be right up."

She wasn't. She rewashed the dishes, repackaged the leftovers and pretty much did everything she could do short of stripping and repainting the cabin to avoid going topside.

He waited. He was in his own thoughts but noticed her absence. To be totally honest he was not sure what to do with her. It was impulsive to ask her, it was confusing how best to treat her (as a friend or as a woman he loved but was refused, or as someone he had a chance with). It all happened so fast that he hadn't really decided what he expected the result of the weekend to be. The only thing he knew for sure was that she was there and he was happy about that.

She came up and handed him a fresh cup of tea. "Dishes are done."

He didn't respond. His focus was on the horizon – the stars, the moon and the stray bit of clouds that shadowed the night sky.

She followed his line of sight. "It's beautiful." She sat down next to him.

"Yes it is," he said distantly.

"Thank you for forcing me to come," she added.

He was sorry he had to 'force' her and he was even more sorry that she had felt forced. "I'm glad you're here."

She turned toward him. "Are you?"

He reached out to touch her face. "I am, in fact I'm sorry we didn't do this a long time ago," he stated with more sincerity than he would have ever allowed particularly with her.

She was stunned by his honesty.

The seas calmed, the heavens slowed, the winds held a breath. They should have kissed – it was clearly what both wanted, but again he waited a moment too long and she felt rejected.

"Good night." She pulled away from him and went below.

He listened as she locked her cabin door. It made him sad. Not that he would have expected an invitation nor would he have forced one on her, but the idea that she felt she needed to lock him out to feel safe alone with him. Another man might have thought that had more to do with her than it did with him, but Harm knew that almost everything revolved around him. She was locking him out.

"Good night," he said to the night.

**1315 EST**

**Monday of Labor Day Weekend**

**MacKenzie Residence**

**Georgetown**

Harm opened the door for Mac and let her precede him into the apartment. He was being overly solicitous (as he had been all weekend) in that adolescent teasing way he had, and it was really beginning to annoy her.

"I am fine," she stated for the 100th time in three days.

The weekend was a total bust. She got sunburned pretty badly the first day out, stung by a jellyfish, seasick (which she claimed was food poisoning but Harm was fine), and she was tossed over the side in a 'tacking' incident that left her treading water for nearly 30 minutes – all of which could have been avoided if she weren't keeping Harm at a 10' distance. It is really hard to keep away from someone emotionally or physically on a 37' sailboat when you are the only two people on board. The worst part came when they met up with a boat full of women who were having some trouble with their sail and Hero Harm did more than his share to help them. By Monday morning she was more than ready to come back and was sorry she had gone. Through it all Mac remained on guard for some sign that he knew something and challenged every comment he made. Harm didn't take it well, but hadn't confronted her on it. It made for a very uncomfortable three days.

"Harm," she shrieked when he offered to make her some tea. "I am not an invalid, I can take care of myself."

"All right, Mac" he snapped. "What the hell is going on?"

"Excuse me?" she snapped back.

"Look, I know that this weekend didn't turn out how either of us had expected --."

"I had no expectations," she corrected.

"But that doesn't explain why you are defensive, nervous and down right hostile with me," he bellowed.

"I'm not!" she defended.

"Evidence to the contrary," he retorted. "I want to know what rotten, mean and nasty thing I have done now to deserve such scorn from you."

"You haven't … I'm not … I don't know what you are talking about."

"Please Mac …"

"Look, I am just tired, sunburned and still a little sick to my stomach -."

"All of which could have been avoided," he tossed back at her.

"Avoided?"

"You wouldn't have gotten sunburn if you had allowed me to put lotion on your back, you would have been stung by a jelly fish if you weren't swimming away from me and you wouldn't have gotten tossed over the side if you had been listening to me rather than trying to ignore me."

"Ignore you?" He was right and she had no defense.

"Something must have happened while I was away," he stated. "I want to know what it is."

She looked away.

"Did Turner say something to you?"

She snapped her attention back to him. "What would Sturgis have said?"

"I have no idea … all I know is that I went away and we were fine, I come back and you can barely look me in the eye, you challenge my every move and God forbid I do something nice for you." He waved toward the door. "I think you owe me an explanation."

"I don't know … it's not … it's nothing."

"It's a lot more than nothing," he stated. "Are we friends or not?"

"No … Yes … Of course we are."

"Then tell me what's going on."

She shook her head. She didn't know how to get out of the conversation. "I'm sorry. It's me … I've been working too hard and I have this case ---."

"No good, Mac," he stated. "You are not going to put this off on work ... this is about you and me."

"I don't know what you think is going on -"

He cut her off. "I have no idea … you tell me."

"All right," she shouted. She was backed up against the wall and needed to give him something. "I said something to someone I shouldn't have … and it's on my mind."

"Said what to whom?" he challenged.

"I just told you I shouldn't have said it … what makes you think I would say it again to you?"

"Because it's on your mind and because you're taking your guilt out on me."

"I never said I felt guilty." She shook her head. "Of all the arrogance … I swear to God you have the biggest ego I have ever met." She looked away. "How can I possibly be in love with someone like you?" She hadn't even realized that she had said it until he asked her to repeat it.

"What did you just say?"

"I said you have an ego." She avoided the question.

"After that." He stepped closer to her. "You're in love with me?" he repeated.

"I didn't say that."

"I believe you just did," he challenged.

She shook her head.

"I don't understand," he said gently. "Why do you want to keep that a secret particularly from me?"

She slumped down on the sofa. She was caught. "What difference does it make?" she said dejectedly.

"It would have made a whole lot of difference this weekend for starters." He sat down next to her.

"Harm --- don't," she warned.

"Don't what?" he asked. "You know how I feel about you."

"Do I?" She turned to him. "How would I know that?"

"You were the one that wanted to go back to being friends," he reminded her still pointedly not stating his feelings.

"And you didn't object," she reminded him.

"Anything to keep you in my life," was his too easy response.

"Don't Harm … please … I'm embarrassed enough already."

"Embarrassed?"

"I think you should go." She stood up and moved toward the door.

He followed her. "Why?"

"We work together … we need to maintain a professional –"

He cut her off with a kiss.

She pulled away quickly and tried not to meet his eyes. It was no use.

"Do you really not know?" He tilted her face up to his. "I'm in love with you too." He kissed her before she could respond.

**0815 EST**

**Tuesday after Labor Day Weekend**

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church Virginia**

Mac stood staring out the window of her office. She was watching the parking lot, waiting for him to arrive.

"Morning, Colonel," came Sturgis' voice from the doorway. "How was sailing?"

She turned to him and smiled. "Possibly the worst experience of my life."

He cocked his head. "You seem to be taking it well."

"Do I?" she asked.

"Something else happened," he offered.

She let the Cheshire Cat grin fade slowly from her face, but made no response.

Turner nodded. "I won't ask."

"Good," she opened a file on her desk and Turner backed out of the office.

A moment later a cup of mocha latte was placed in front of her. She looked up at Harm who was beating a hasty retreat with his own grande in hand. Before he disappeared around the corner he looked back at her. They shared a knowing smile. "Dinner tonight? He asked casually but it was anything more than casual.

"I'd like that," she said. "My treat … to make up for this weekend."

"Not necessary."

"All the same," she added.

He nodded and continued to his office. "Morning Turner," she heard him say. "Beautiful morning, isn't it?"

"How was your weekend?"

"Enlightening and productive."

"Good."

"Very good." Harm corrected. "Very Very Good." He started whistling **_How Deep Is Your Love_** – that ridiculous Bee Gees song – he had been whistling since getting into the shower that morning.

Mac looked back down at her files and started humming to her self. "**_I __know your eyes in the morning sun, I feel you touch me in the pouring rain, And the moment that you wander far from me, I wanna feel you in my arms again._**_"_

She looked up and saw Turner in her doorway.

"It's about time," he said and walked away.


	2. Columbus Day: Discovery

**Title: Discovery**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Columbus Day 2008 / Edited October 2009  
**

**Spoilers: Through Season 7 – Episode: Guilt**

**Approximate Date: October 2001**

**Place In Time: 1 Month After the Attacks on 9/11. The world had changed; our sense of security had changed. People's feelings were running the gambit from fear to anger to overwhelming sadness. In the JAG World, Mac's wedding had been canceled and Mic was gone, Harm had just been saved from certain death by nothing short of a miracle, Renee was gone, and Harm and Mac had gotten very close to expressing their feelings for each other – but were headed off at the pass by circumstance and their own egos. The hours before this offering takes place, Mac had just helped evacuate several Americans from a consulate but had lost the little girl who helped them escape. Her feelings were all over the map as well.**

**Note:** This was a challenge (read: suggestion) from JanLaw (1/2 of McRose) to come up with a 'holiday' episode for Columbus Day. I asked for and she gave me "_**Guilt**_" from Season 7 as a launching point for this 'holiday' offering; a great Mac-Centered episode. She also suggested that it involve communication between Mac and Harm (addressing the complete LACK of communication in the aired episode). Keeping in the theme of the HOLIDAY SWEETS, this will be the type of interaction that would have changed the course and history of JAG's remaining years. Not sure how I will work Columbus Day into this (maybe they can have Italian for dinner – HA), but I will give it a shot. One final note, as Columbus Day is not typically a Hallmark Holiday, this offering might be more bitter or spicy than super sweet but not to worry, you will get your sugar fix.

One more thing – JanLaw was instrumental in this story. Not only did she suggest it, she gave me lots of technical advise and she did a Beta Read (you all know how sorely I need a beta reader). Thank you very much Jan, couldn't have done it without you. Finally, if there are errors (typos or poor grammar) in here, Jan did not miss them, I (of course) went back to edit again after I got it back from Jan – so they are mine, all mine.

**dis·cov·ery** - Function: noun  
1 : the act or process of discovering  
2 : something discovered  
3 a : the methods used by parties to a civil or criminal action to obtain information held by the other party that is relevant to the action

b : the disclosure of information held by the opposing party in an action

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**USS Guadalcanal**

**Indian Ocean**

**Friday, October 11, 2001**

Mac hung up from Chloe. The conversation was exactly the unaffected, untainted, mind-numbing, teenage blather that Mac needed to hear. The world could not all be death and destruction – there had to be something good. Chloe was the epitome of all that was pure: innocence, youth, joy, freedom, hope. Chloe was the only call she could have made: she didn't want to think, explain or recount and she sure as hell couldn't let her mind continue to spin. She needed a diversion – even if it were fleeting.

She leaned back and let out a long slow exhale. How did she wind up in Indonesia facilitating the evacuation of the American Consulate and using a child to accomplish her mission? How in God's name could she have left that little girl who trusted her behind? She should have ensured her safety. Why were American lives so much more her responsibility than a little girl's? Liliana deserved better and Mac knew it. A wave of guilt shook her to her core. Liliana was probably dead and Mac was to blame.

"I'm sorry," she cried wiping away the few tears she couldn't hold back. "I am so very sorry."

Mac should never have been there in the first place. She was a JAG lawyer and a good one. She should have been defending or prosecuting capital crimes in Washington DC moving up the ladder rather than whatever that TAD would do for her career. "My Career!" she scoffed. She should have been on her honeymoon and letting her professional life take a back seat for a while. "Damn you!" she said out loud but would have been hard pressed to pick just one person to 'damn.' She shut her eyes against the last image she had of Liliana as the helicopter took off. It didn't stop the explosion that followed from filling her ears. Tears once again escaped from her eyes.

What happened? How did she get half way around the world? How did she get so far from home?

Harm.

Harm happened.

Harm always happened.

Why couldn't he have just kept his … his … his what? His mouth shut? He did. He didn't actually SAY anything. He didn't actually DO anything. (Other than kissing her at her engagement party.) He didn't actually COMMITT to anything. No, he just implied – like planting a seed; a seed that grew and grew in Mac fertile mind until she found herself halfway around the world and miserable about ten different ways.

And whose fault was that? Not Harm's.

Poor Mac. It had been a rough month for her. Everything was a blur. It would have been hard for her to put all the things that happened since her engagement party into chronological order much less perspective. Everything had happened so quickly – none of it made sense. All she knew was that in the end she'd lost everything and was totally alone. Before she knew it, she found herself half way around the world and forced into making life and death decisions for people she'd just met. In her gut she felt that her choices were not 100% right even though she had gotten the opposite feedback from the people she rescued, her peers and superiors. If nothing else, she was a good Marine.

There was a pounding on her hatch. "Call from JAG HQ, ma'am," came a voice through the door.

"Thank you," she called back. She had been waiting for Admiral Chegwidden's call but had hoped he would have given her the night to collect her thoughts, write her report and give him the details of what went right and what went wrong. "MacKenzie," she said evenly into the phone.

"Well done, Marine," Rabb's voice came over the line as if they had spoken only hours before, as if there wasn't a boat load of unfinished business between them, as if they were good friends.

"Commander." She hadn't expected him to call. It wasn't that she had hoped he would or wouldn't but she just didn't expect it.

Her voice was distant and strained. "You Ok?" he asked.

"Fine."

"You don't sound 'fine'."

There were times when he knew her, there were times when he didn't but most of the time he was infuriatingly oblivious (or acted that way) – in all cases it annoyed her. "Tired," she dismissed. "Haven't slept in 37 hours."

"You are the talk of the office, everyone is very proud of you." He felt her continued stiff-arming through the phone line and that forced him to be overly solicitous. "There is talk of commendation."

"I did my job," she said flatly.

"Above and beyond," he countered.

"Not by a long shot," she said cryptically flashing on Liliana calling up to her as the helo was lifting off. She closed her eyes to stop the image, but it wouldn't be shut out.

"You don't sound too impressed with yourself," he said casually.

"As I said, I'm tired." She wondered what it would take to get him off the phone.

"I can understand that. You have been though quite an ordeal." He didn't want to hang up. "You want to ... you know ... talk about it?"

"Talk? … You want to talk? … How long have we known each other?" She almost laughed but she was too annoyed.

"Long enough," he said slowly.

"Long enough, exactly. You never wanted to TALK before, now that is all you want to do … why now? What's changed?"

"That's a little unfair" was his defense. "And you know why," he added carefully.

She hated his noncommittal comments. "No thank you Commander. There is nothing I care to discuss about the events of the past couple of days," she snapped. She wanted to add 'or weeks or months' but she kept it to herself.

She was being a little harsh. He calmed his voice. "Come on Mac. I don't believe that whatever is going on between us –"

"There is nothing _**going on between us**_, Commander," she shut him down. He didn't respond. "Thank you for calling, but I'm tired and I have a report to write," she said hoping that it would get him to get off the line. It was so much easier to walk away from him than it was to hang up on him.

He had a piece of information about her ordeal in Indonesia – it had come to him in a very roundabout way, but it was information he had that might get her to talk. "I understand that there was a little girl …" He opened the door.

"How did you hear that?" Her annoyance was growing.

"Gunny," he said simply.

"The Gunny?" For some reason she felt betrayed by Victor. "Yes … there was a little girl … her name was Liliana," Mac said her name out loud for the first time. "She helped us. She saved us." He waited. "… and it probably got her killed." She was biting back her tears. She hated how easily she opened up to him.

"I'm sorry," was his too simple and seemingly unsupportive reply.

"Yeah, me too." She had stuffed the tears back and replaced it with anger.

"You did everything you could Mac," he told her.

"How could you know that?" she said through gritted teeth. There was silence on the line as Harm waited for her to talk about it. He didn't know all the facts just that there was a little girl and he had enough Mac sense to know that it would have affected her. "I know what you are thinking," she barked.

"I'm not --"

"You are thinking that you wouldn't have left her behind." She continued on unchecked with a rage that was directed at him for all the wrong reasons. There were right reasons she could be furious with him, but not about Liliana. "You would have figured a way of getting her out as well."

"I don't know that, you don't know that." Her vehemence disturbed him. "I know you did –"

"Exactly what I was supposed to do," she slammed back at him. "Like the good Marine I am. I follow orders. I do what I am supposed to do … by the book."

"Yes."

"Yes, I do," she stated. "But you don't … you throw the book out every chance you get … you make up the rules as you go along." _**Like kissing me at my engagement party**__, _she thought_._

"Mac!"

"How is it that you always come out on top? How is it that you break every rule and you are a hero?" _**Like looking and acting like the spurned lover when you spoke too late again making me the big bad bitch for marrying someone else – someone who wooed me, courted me, committed himself to me, made sacrifices just to be with me all very appropriately. "**_If I bend a rule, if I even think of bending a rule – I am reminded of my DUTY … of my SWORN DUTY … and I hop to and get the job done BY THE BOOK … but I still lose. I just don't get it," she stated.

"How many people did you save tonight, Mac?" He tried to turn it back to her.

"And how many died because I couldn't see past my duty?" she shouted back.

"Mac, stop!" he ordered. "When did I become the enemy?"

"Pick a date," she responded without thinking and was immediately sorry.

He paused hoping to let her calm down. "I just called to see if you were all right."

"I'm fine." She shut down again.

"You'll be home tomorrow?"

"I'll be in the office on Monday," she corrected.

"Monday," he repeated.

"Thanks for calling," she said with very little affect and hung up.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**JAG HQ**

**Falls Church, Virginia**

**Friday, October 11, 2001**

"Good bye," he said to himself. He dropped the phone from his ear but didn't hang it up.

"Was that the Colonel?" Harriet called from the doorway.

Harm looked up still wondering how a simple 'check in' phone call had gotten so out of control. "Yes." He hung up the phone. "Yes, it was."

"How's she doing?"

He smiled wishing he had an answer to give her. "You know our Colonel."

Harriet did know and knew that whatever was going on with Mac, she would never show it. "So much has happened to her in the past few weeks; it must be taking a toll." It really hadn't occurred to Harm that Mac would be off balance by anything other than the evacuation she just executed and the little girl. Harriet stepped in. "The colonel hasn't told me much about what happened with Mic, Commander Brumby … why he went back to Australia or if the wedding was postponed or canceled completely. I did think her request to go TAD to the Guadalcanal pretty telling."

"Telling?"

"Well, if I were in her shoes … I would have needed to get away from everything and everyone." She didn't think Harm understood. "Prying questions, whispers behind her back … not to mention all the daily reminders and the endless questions that she would have to field."

"True." He leaned back not saying what Harriet was probably hinting at. '_And me_,' he thought. '_She left to avoid me_.' Harm felt guilty – he felt responsible. What made him feel worse was that he was happy, selfishly happy with the outcome. Brumby was gone! The wedding was off! Who would not be happy? Well, Mac for one and probably Brumby, but Brumby was not his concern. Mac was which was why he flew out there to talk to her when he got back.

"Even if it were her decision," Harriet went on. "Especially if it were her decision, she would be feeling very responsible, sad and lonely." Harriet looked down. "Bud is my best friend, I have to think that Mic was hers … she just lost her best friend … at the very least. That has got to hurt." Harm was startled by that comment. Mic was not Mac's best friend, he was. He just nodded. "And your plane going down … we nearly lost you Commander … the Colonel was pretty upset about that too." She smiled nervously. "We were all pretty upset … but the Colonel took it pretty hard."

Harm smiled too. "I owe her my life."

"That was pretty amazing," Harriet agreed. "You two have a pretty special bond." The words were out of her mouth before she realized that it was crossing a line. "I'm sorry, sir." She corrected. "I didn't mean to ---"

"It's OK Harriet," he said gently. "And Mac will be OK too. With friends like you and me, she will not be sad or lonely for long," he assured her trying to end the conversation. "Yes?"

"Yes, sir."

"She will be back on Monday, and we will help her through this."

"Not Monday, sir," she corrected. "Monday is Columbus Day … day off."

"Right, then … I suppose she will be back in the office on Tuesday." Harm didn't think he would be able to wait one more day without straightening things out with her.

"Yes, sir." Harriet started to leave. "I'm sorry, I meant to ask. How is Renee holding up?"

"Renee?" Harm honestly hadn't thought about her since he got back. He had called her once but she was out so he left a message. She hadn't called back. "As well as can be expected." He made something up wondering if he needed to check in with Renee too. The next time he talked to her, he wanted to end their relationship, but he didn't want to do that over the phone.

"Yes sir." She didn't want to pry any more than she already had. "I am headed out, do you need anything before I go?"

"No, thank you … Harriet …what are you doing here?" It had finally dawned on him that she was out of uniform and wasn't on duty.

"Just came in to pick up Bud," she smiled and left.

It was moments like those that made Harm really envious of Bud and the life he had made for himself.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**MacKenzie Residence**

**Georgetown**

**Saturday, October 12, 2001**

Mac let her-self into her apartment very late on Saturday evening (it could have been early Sunday morning). It had been a long and very turbulent flight back and all she wanted was to sleep for two days. Her apartment was still in a state of disarray. Mic had packed in a hurry, left some things behind and left a hole in more than the closet. When she was approved for her assignment to the Guadalcanal, she took the bare necessities and left. She didn't clean out her refrigerator, make her bed or take out the garbage. She looked around at the mess and thought about staying at a hotel for the night but it was too late for that. The message light was blinking. She expected there to be at least one from Mic. Not to be. One from her dry cleaners, one from the pharmacy about a prescription for Mic, two from Harriet and one from Harm … the last one.

"Hey, Mac … not sure when you're getting back. Please call me." That was it. It was short with a simple request. His voice sounded odd. She almost felt sorry about their last conversation, but she was really too tired to think about it. Harm was a bigger mess than her apartment; she would deal with it another time.

She took a shower, changed her sheets and went to bed. She tossed and turned for a while and lay awake staring at the tree tops out her window. There were voices and pieces of conversations filling her head: Mic, Chloe, Harm, Harriet, Liliana and her own words coming back to her. It was all a jumble that couldn't be slowed or controlled. She wished she had something to help her sleep, help her forget, help her shut down for at least 12 hours. She lay there for a long time in the dark wondering if Mic had left any alcohol in the house, she almost got up to look. That's when the tears came. She was at the lowest point she had been at in years and her first thought was to get drunk. It struck her how far she had come and how much she hadn't left behind. She rolled over, pulled the pillow to her chest and cried into in until she exhausted herself enough to sleep.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**Rabb Residence**

**North of Union Station, Washington DC**

**Sunday, October 13, 2001**

Harm reluctantly picked up the phone and dialed. He hadn't wanted to do what he was about to do on the phone, but he didn't know when she would be back. He had tossed and turned all night thinking about it (among a number of other things). He had to get it done and over with so he could move on.

_**Harm!**_

"Hi Renee, did I wake you?" He leaned on the desk.

_**I'm on my way out to breakfast before we go to church, but I have a few minutes**__._

"How are things there? Is your mom OK?"

_**Mom is OK … surprisingly I am OK. **_

"When are you coming … back?" He avoided the word 'home' on purpose.

_**I'm not sure. It could be a few more weeks.**_

He was silent for a moment steeling up his courage. "We need to talk … but we can do it when you have more time."

_**I suppose we do. Or maybe we don't.**_

"We don't?"

**I know what you are going to say … I feel the same way … I love you, Harm … I always will … and I know you love me … in your own way … but you are just not the right man for me. I want a home, a family, kids … a normal life. You just aren't a normal guy. And that's OK … I'm OK with that … really.**

"I do care about you, Renee … and this is not because of –"

**Of Mac? Of course it is … but I'm not jealous of her … she didn't break us up … you did … I did … we want different things from a relationship … I want more … I want it all … and I deserve it. **

"Yes you do." It was going better than he could possible have expected. "I hope you find it."

_**I will. I may have already. … I need go … mother is waiting … I will call you when I get back. I'll let you take me out to dinner one last time.**_

"I'd like that."

**Take care Harm.**

"You too Renee." With that the phone went dead and Harm had a 130-pound weight lifted off his shoulders – though Renee would deny anything over 110 – max 115 soaking wet. His ego whispered in his ear that he had been dumped – he was the dumpee, not the dumper. Not the first time, and not the last. It was easier to be the dumpee – no fault or blame to take, but kind of spineless too. Time to take a stand.

He picked up the phone and dialed again. "Hey Mac … It's Harm. You probably aren't home yet or still sleeping. Please call me." He paused a long time before the machine disconnected. "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah" he said to the empty room. "What can I say to you?" He needed to clear his head. He decided that a run would be the best way to do that.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**MacKenzie Residence**

**Georgetown**

**Sunday, October 13, 2001**

At 9AM the phone rang. Mac didn't answer. "Hey Mac … It's Harm. You probably aren't home yet or still sleeping. Please call me." He paused a long time before the machine disconnected. He sounded tired. She wondered if he had had a rough night too. She also wondered how long she would have to punish him.

That thought woke her up completely.

Why was she punishing Harm? What had he done that was so awful?

It was not his fault that she lost Liliana.

It was not his fault that she refused to speak with him.

It was not his fault that she ran away.

It was not his fault that Renee's father died.

It was not his fault that Mic left.

It was not his fault that he almost died trying to get to her wedding.

It was not his fault that he didn't like Mic.

It was not his fault that her feelings for him were so confused.

It was not his fault that he wasn't in love with her.

So why punish Harm? Harm was just being Harm – for all the things he wasn't to her, he was her friend and he did care. He probably even loved her in his own way. He would have stood by and watched her marry the wrong man. He would have been there when the marriage went bad (mostly to gloat but he would have been very supportive too). Harm was a good friend, a worthy adversary and a valuable ally. He would risk his life to help her and he would never just walk away. She smiled to herself. She knew the real reason Harm would never walk away was that he hated to lose, to lose anything including a friendship. He was a good man.

_**If only he would have made a different choice in Sydney**_, she thought. "Take that back," she said aloud. That was solely Mac's doing. He was right to turn her down and she was wrong to turn to Mic. That morning as she lay in bed thinking about Harm and her life in general, she took all the blame on herself, more than she probably should have.

"Harm," she said aloud. She was still confused about what her feelings for him meant, but it really didn't matter. It actually never mattered. The fact of the matter was a relationship between them – even just casual dating - was out of the question. It was more than career suicide; it was against regulations. Holding on to some fantasy with Harm was just girlish and silly. Why did she want it anyway? She saw how Harm was with women – it would have been different with her of course (ha) – he was typically uncommitted. He gave less than fifty percent to those relationships. That was not what she wanted from him; she wanted one hundred percent or more. She wanted that same passion that he had flying, in the courtroom, fighting for justice or finding his father directed at her. She wanted him to break the rules and fight for her. Any woman would. Holding out hope for that was worse than girlish and silly – it was stupid. Mac was not stupid.

Mac sat up in bed resolving that it was a new day:

She would reconcile her friendship with Harm.

She would get some closure with Mic.

She would go find Liliana.

She would focus on her career – God, Country, Corps. Semper Fi!

She was in charge of her life, her feelings and her actions. She was a survivor, a Marine and more than capable of taking care of herself. She didn't NEED a man to make her life complete. A marriage and children would come in time – in HER time, no one else's – she would not be alone forever.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

**Rabb Residence**

**North of Union Station, Washington DC**

**Sunday, October 13, 2001**

Harm came in from his morning run. The mall at Union Square was full of people setting up for the second day of Columbus Day celebrations: a farmer's market, bandstands, artisan booths selling wares, and Italian, Spanish and American Indian food booths centered around Columbus's Memorial Statue at Union Square. Each year Harm was surprised to see such a festival for Columbus Day, but the Knights of Columbus were a pretty active group in Washington and they were always doing something to raise money for their various charities.*** He had always thought Columbus Day was a proclamation by the President, maybe a wreath-laying ceremony and a day off.

He walked directly over to the answering machine. Nothing.

He was right to ask when he had become the enemy. When was that … exactly? "Pick a date," she had snapped at him. He wasn't sure what that was about exactly, but he was definitely going to get that resolved. She may not want to be with him, but he certainly wasn't going to allow her to think of him as the enemy. He had feelings for her – very deep feelings and he wanted so much more with her. Their timing sucked. Typically timing couldn't be helped – but Harm believed in making his own luck.

As he showered he wondered how much he should give her in terms of time, how hard he should push for the next confrontation, how many times he should call without getting a call back; or if he should wait for her to come to him, let her take the lead and let her be in charge of how it all played out. In any event, there would be a next encounter and it occurred to him that he didn't have an agenda for the meeting. All he knew was that Mac was angry. With him or otherwise it was directed at him. In the last two encounters they had she walked away from him and all but hung up on him and the tone, the vehemence of her anger with him was startling. How much was he supposed to take of that? Was he supposed to be her punching bag? Could he do that for her? Did she need him to just shut up and take it; is that what a friend should do? Or did she want him to fight back? Isn't that what a lover would do?

He heard his bell ringing. Still dripping, he wrapped a towel around himself, looked through the peephole and opened the door.

"Mac!"

"Did I interrupt?" Mac asked with a very amused smile on her face looking up towards his bedroom half expecting to find Renee.

She was her old self. "No, not at all … let me put some pants on," he said. "Make yourself at home, I'll be right back." He quickly pulled on some sweats and a T-shirt. 'What in the hell was going on?' he wondered. She was 180 degrees from their last conversation. "So?" When he came back to the living room, she was looking out the window.

"Looks like a great party they have going on down there." She couldn't see the party from the window, but it could almost be heard.

"Yeah, got any plans?" He sat down on the edge of the chair. "They have some fantastic food booths … and bands."

She turned to look at him. "I think we should talk," she said confidently.

"Ok," he waited.

"I want to apologize to you … I do apologize to you … I'm sorry that I have treated you so badly these last couple of weeks."

"Apology accepted," he said quickly. "Though unnecessary."

She smiled. "You don't want to know why?"

"All I really want to know is if you are going to continue … or what I did to cause it so I won't do it again."

She walked away from the window toward his desk, edging close to the door trying not to be annoyed that she would have to tell him what he did – or protect him and claim he hadn't _**done**_anything. "I am sure you know that I have been going through a difficult time … with Mic. I had some very serious cold feet and I didn't handle it well. It was more than cold feet; it was a complete change of heart." She was sorry she used that expression (change of heart) and was hoping that Harm hadn't noticed. "I wasn't ready to get married," she continued quickly. "And I didn't … I wasn't … I made a mess of it." He nodded waiting for her to get to the part he had played and the part where they had things to talk about, about how her _**heart had changed**_. "I have called Mic and apologized … we won't be getting back together," she added sadly. "I have hurt him very deeply and for that I am very sorry."

"They say apology is good for the soul," he helped.

"I thought it was confession," she countered.

"Six of one."

"So now I am here apologizing to you. You were caught up in all of that and it was very unfair."

"You can let me decide what is unfair to me," he said evenly.

"You have been a very good friend, Harm. You got me to think – really think about the choice I was making and … your timing sucked, but it usually does." She laughed. "I suppose I should do more than apologize, I should thank you."

"Don't thank me Mac." He stood up. "I feel badly enough already."

"You never liked Mic."

"No I didn't … and I especially didn't like him for you … but I should have let you make up your own mind."

"I did, it just was not … not … not well timed."

"I am sure Brumby will survive," he said coldly. "He is not my concern, you are. How are **you**?"

She forced a smile. "I will survive too."

"You should do more than survive, Sarah," he said gently.

She liked the way he said her name; he used it so rarely. It always stirred something inside. "In time." She didn't want to let herself think that something more was going to come from the conversation. Her agenda was to apologize and get out. She could have done that on the phone. She should have called. She needed to get to a safer subject. "My next stop is the Admiral's house, I am going back to find Liliana."

He was not surprised. "Do you want some back up?"

"You want to come with me?"

"I do."

That was the Harm she knew and loved. The man who would help her through a crisis, the one who would put his personal needs aside when something more important was at hand – particularly something that was life and death (nothing sticky like feelings). They both knew what she could find – rather what she could NOT find and that would be very hard to face alone. It was a truly generous offer. "Thank you … I'm not sure the Admiral will let me go and I'm sure he wouldn't let both of us go."

"I have plenty of leave on the books… he doesn't need to know."

She smiled. "That's just like you Harm … always wanting to do an end run around the truth."

He didn't smile. "I would like to go with you."

"Let's see how the Admiral reacts to my request first."

He nodded and continued to wait for the rest of the 'talk'.

"Well, I should let you get back to your Sunday … I just came to apologize." She moved toward the door.

He stood up. "You said we needed to talk," he reminded her.

"That was all I had to say."

He was not about to let her get away with that. "Sarah … we need to talk about … well … us."

Her first reaction was to say 'no we don't'. "Harm … I just broke my engagement … and you and Renee are still --."

"We broke up … it was mutual … we confirmed it this morning, but it's been over for a while."

"You and Renee broke up?" She didn't know why, but she was surprised.

"You asked if I would give her up for you … the answer was there was nothing to give up." He ran his hand through his hair. "Renee was never going to be more than … well it doesn't matter … we are done."

Mac squirmed at the reminder of her stupid comment. "I'm sorry."

"No you aren't," he said quickly.

"I thought Renee was good for you," she restated.

"Because she pushed me in ways that I didn't want to be pushed … but you have to know, I don't do well when I am pushed."

"No, you typically like to do the pushing." She faked a smile.

He paused for a moment but when it was clear she wasn't about to say anything, "So what about us?"

"Harm!" She had resolved that morning to ignore the feelings she had for him, to get over them, to get past them. She damn sure wasn't going to talk about them.

"Sarah … Why do you want to ignore this thing between us … pretend that it doesn't exist?"

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to know what you're thinking … what you're feeling."

"It doesn't really matter what I am thinking," she started but then changed her mind. How dare he make this all about her? "What about you? What are you thinking? Feeling?"

"I think you know … I think I have made myself pretty clear."

"No Harm … you haven't," she shot back at him. "Can't you say anything straight? … Your greatest talent as a lawyer is to get people to say things so you don't have to … but why do you do that outside the courtroom? Why do you do that with me?" She was on a roll. "Are you that afraid of commitment … of being held accountable? Or is it more about losing … rejection … or being proven wrong? This is exactly the dance I was talking about. You want me to commit so you don't have to, and when things go south … you're in the clear."

"Why does it have to go south?"

She laughed. It was impressive that he could ignore her entire rant and pick the one thing out that again kept him from committing. "Are you kidding? We can't agree on a pizza much less anything else … what makes you think that we could be anything more than friends?"

"Because I want more," he blurted out. "I suspect that you do too," he covered. "And we agree on a lot of things." She was silenced. She couldn't in all honesty deny that she wanted more with him, but wanting something doesn't mean it should, could or would happen. "How is that for taking a stand?" He stepped toward her. "Making a commitment?"

"Pretty weak, counselor."

"What do YOU want from ME?" he asked back.

"Harm … you and I are a bad idea … we are not … we are too much alike … and too different." Her voice was thin as she was struggling with changing her strategy as well as dealing with emotions that were confusing at best. "We are both very career oriented … we need to protect that."

"At all costs?"

"Yes, at all costs."

"I don't accept that."

"Well, this is not a democracy … this is the Navy."

"And you have made up your mind … you think that –"

"It's not up to me." She was still ranting and making very little sense. "Yes, I am in lo - … I have feelings for you … yes, I love you … and yes, I probably always will … as a friend."

"As a friend," he repeated.

"Yes." She took a deep breath. "We need to put all of this behind us … it was never going to happen … the best we can hope for is to go back to being friends."

"And if that's not possible? If we have gone too far to go back now?"

She paused for a moment trying to appreciate the full ramifications of what he was implying. "Then that's your choice … and I would be sorry about that."

"Sarah … I nearly lost you to Brumby, I don't think --."

"You didn't _**lose**_ me to Brumby … you never put yourself in the game."

"When was I taken off the bench?"

"Sydney … Sydney Harbor." She felt very superior about that entire interaction. She put herself out there and he denied her. She had given him a chance and it was unceremoniously thrown back in her face.

"Do you really want to bring that up?" He countered with his own ferocity. "Do you seriously want to discuss the night you asked me to your bed … for one night? A one-night stand? What did you say … that we weren't on the same continent? As if we would never go home. You said that most men would have taken you up on that offer? No doubt most men would have? To what end? To settle a bet? To prove a point? To scratch an inch?"

"Hey!" she snapped.

"What was it that you really wanted to come from that night? Maybe it wasn't a one night stand … maybe it was a trap? … Figured that we were away from home, in a romantic setting and that I would forget who we were and surrender … and when the sun came up the next day it would be too late, I'd be hooked … Is that really a responsible way to start a relationship?"

"Harm stop … it was not a trap."

"What was that all about, huh Mac?" He was pretty irate; and irritation that started way back then and built as her relationship with Brumby took shape.

"It was impulsive … and apparently completely ONE SIDED."

"It was anything but one-sided Mac, and I told you that at the time." He cocked his head as if something just occurred to him. "Is that why you don't want to discuss anything more with me now? Because I rejected you? Was it really that insulting? I would have thought that you would have been flattered that I wanted more than that from you and that I wasn't willing to ruin what we had just to get you into bed."

"We are through here," she stated and reached for the door.

"Why won't you talk about this? Why won't you even consider --"

"There is nothing to talk about," she stated.

Harm lost it. "What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid that we won't work … or are you afraid that we will?"

"I beg your pardon."

"I have never met anyone who was so unwilling to allow herself to be happy?"

"That is uncalled for!" she shouted. "And what makes you think YOU are the only one who can make me happy? You think you know me? You have no idea who I am … you keep trying to fit me into whatever idea you have about me … but you're wrong … dead wrong."

"Then correct me."

"This conversation is over … I came to apologize, not to be ridiculed or analyzed by THE GREAT HARMON RABB."

With that she slammed out the door and ran down the stairs.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

She made it all the way to her car before he caught up with her.

"Mac!" He grabbed her arm and prevented her from getting in. "Mac … Sarah … stop … just stop."

"Harm." She tried to pull away but his grip was too strong.

The furor in her eyes and his heart pounding in his ears took all reason, thought and language away from him.

He kissed her.

He put his hands on her face and pulled her mouth to his.

He kissed her.

He wrapped his arms completely around her and held her close. She struggled at first – out of shock and surprise but within moments she yielded.

She kissed him back.

It was impulsive, rash and ultimately the exact right course of action. There were no words that would have gotten her to listen or explained his position. She was too confused; he was too frustrated. It was really the only way they could get past the heat of the moment.

A group of teenagers walked by on their way to the festival and started hooting and whistling. "Hey … GET A ROOM!" one of them shouted and the group burst into laughter.

She buried her face in his neck and held onto him.

"Let's take a walk." He wrapped his arm around her back and placed his hand firmly on her waist holding her close as he directed her out of the alley.

**~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~**

They didn't speak for a long time and were strangely comfortable in the silence and the physical contact. They passed through the festival at Union Station and twenty minutes later were walking up the mall toward the Washington Monument still keeping the thoughts that were spinning around in their heads to themselves. By time they made it to the reflecting pool it was time to talk.

"How long are we supposed to stay silent?" she asked.

"Are we ready to try again?" He released her from his hold and turned to face her.

"That depends … are you going to kiss me every time I say something you don't like?" She was only half joking.

"I thought it was a pretty good tactic." He grinned.

"That will only work once … probably … so you might want to start thinking of a different approach."

"I've got a lot of approaches I would like to try with you, Sarah." He took her hand.

She pulled it away slowly. "Say what you want to say … I won't interrupt."

He needed to be straight and unambiguous. He took a deep breath and made a stab at clarity. "I think we can be more, have more ... I would like the opportunity to see how much more."

She nodded. "That's it?"

He almost laughed. "You are insatiable … reason doesn't work, challenging doesn't work … do you really want me to promise you something that neither one of us is ready for?"

"No," she defended. "Tell me something to let me know this is about me and not about you."

He sunk down on to the bench. "Why?" he asked. "Am I being tested? Or do you just want an opportunity to say 'no'."

"Harm … you are the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, the first person I think of when I have something to share, every day that goes by that I don't hear your voice or see you smile is a wasted day … I hate feeling that way … I hate thinking that I need you more than you need me." The words she was saying surprised herself, she didn't know all of that was true until she stated it out loud, and then she couldn't deny it. It was true. Everyday he was not in her life; she missed him. She did think of him first when she wanted to share a joke or an experience or to ask a question. She needed him. She turned away from him, embarrassed by her outburst.

He stood up and turned her back toward him. He wrapped his arms around her. "I love you Sarah," he whispered barely loud enough for her to hear. "I'm sorry."

She pulled away and didn't meet his eyes. "You're sorry you love me?" She tried to joke.

"No." He tilted her face up so he could see her eyes. "Sorry about too many misunderstandings … about avoiding, dismissing or flat our denying the feelings I have for you." She nodded. "Can we stop that … can we just stop?"

She nodded to imply that they could stop the misunderstanding, but slowly shook her head. "We can't."

"I understand your concerns about our working together, our friendship and the effect that a more personal relationship might have on that. If you remember I had the same concerns a few years back. I can promise you that I will do nothing to jeopardize our working relationship or our friendship. First, last and always Sarah … I am your friend. I would have been if you had married Brumby, you have to know that."

"I do know that … and I do know that we could be respectful and appropriate working together and in a personal relationship … probably. But whether we want to take that step or not is not the issue."

"Then what is?"

"We are stationed together … and the regulations won't allow it."

He was shocked. "Regulations?" After all they just went through, the declarations of feelings, desires … he'd told her he loved her for God's sake and she was JUST THEN bringing up the rules? "You are worried about regulations?"

She shook her head laughed. "Yes Harm."

"Do you love me?"

"What?"

"Simple question … do you love me?"

"Yes," she said like it didn't matter.

He kissed her again and pulled her into a tight embrace. "You didn't honestly think that something like regulations would keep us apart did you? You have to know me better than that." He kissed her again. She went weak in the knees and swooned – literally – like in the movies. All reason and logic was gone. She giggled a girlish and silly giggle. "I love you, Sarah … And you love me. Nothing is going to stop us now." If she had known that THAT would have been his reaction she might have played the regulations card years ago. She knew it was magical thinking to believe they had a chance in hell, and that she would be practical too enough. But who knew? Harm usually won when he took up these kind of crusades. Why couldn't she get in on that?

"I do love you," she hugged him back.

~!!~!!~!!~!!~!!~!!~

Happy Columbus Day!!! Here's to discovery.

*** This is not true. Yes there is a Columbus Memorial Statue located at Union Square in Washington DC, however there is no 3 day celebration sponsored by the Knights of Columbus (sounds like fun though doesn't it?) There is a wreath laying ceremony and there is a proclamation made by the President and it is a National Holiday such that Federal workers get the day off. No disrespect intended to the Italians, Spanish, American Indians, Knights of Columbus or Columbus himself.


	3. Halloween: Tattle Tale Hearts

**Title: Tattle Tale Hearts**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Halloween 2007**

Spoilers: Through Late Season Five

A little _**POE**_etic license is taken with this offering. First and foremost, to the master storyteller Mr. Edgar Allan Poe; thank you for all your works. Please don't take offense; they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Not a strict imitation, more like plagiarism, but you get the idea.

The license I took with JAG: this story is set after Boomerang (2/2000) but before Mic comes back to the USA in Surface Warfare (5/2000), but I need it set on Halloween night. Can you deal with that? Good. Renee is around trying to work her way in to Harm's life and Mic is burning up the phone lines trying to get Mac to move the ring from her right hand to her left. Harm and Mac are each dealing with their own bruised egos and waiting for the next opening. As all the stories in this series, this story will have sweetness and IF it had happened, would have changed the course of JAG.

1430 EST October 31, 2000

**JAG Headquarters **

Mac shot out of the courtroom and nearly bowled over a yeoman.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," the yeoman said as she scurried away.

Mac was too distracted to really pay attention to the fact that the woman was out of uniform and dressed as a witch.

"Well played, colonel," Harm said sarcastically as he approached. "A gutsy move that SEEMS to have paid off for the defense."

She glanced up about to inform him that it was not her idea to put the defendant on the stand and that it made her sick to see how easily he could lie and manipulate the truth.

"Too bad that your client is guilty," Harm went on unchecked. "And no ploy of yours will convince the members otherwise," he grinned cockily in spite of the fact that for the first time since the case began, he actually had the feeling he might lose.

She turned to face him full on ready to blast him for his attitude, condescension and general Harm-ness as if her client's guilt was her cross to bear. Harm was the one that botched the investigation and the prosecution's case. Something caught her eye and stopped her from speaking. The client was approaching; she needed to get away.

"Mac?" Harm couldn't read the expression on her face, but he didn't like it. It worried him.

"If you had done your job, Commander," she growled at him keeping her eyes on her client. "You never should have taken this to trial without the body."

He was about to point out that the body – or what was left of it - was more than likely at the bottom of the Persian Gulf, but she stormed away.

Harm had done the investigation into the disappearance of Commander Kenneth Raven – XO of a destroyer staging in the Persian Gulf. With each dead end Harm ran into there was one man that he couldn't dismiss - Ensign Ed Poe. Harm's gut told him that Poe killed the XO - habeas corpus aside - all he had to do was get him to confess. Harm didn't like the look of him from the moment they met. He was creepy, talkative with too many answers at the ready - and he kept asking Harm if he wanted tea. Poe showed no interested in the investigation, the implications of the questions he was being asked or the disposition of the XO. He was oddly calm.

"Poe is either guilty or insane," Harm thought. "Either way, I'm taking him down."

The only undisputed facts were that the XO had gone missing between the hours of midnight and 0400 from a destroyer at sea, someone heard a scream and Poe was the only one around. There was no safe way off the ship. Harm considered the suicide angle, but dismissed it. The XO's wife had just a baby and he was going home with a posting stateside for the rest of his career. A week before there was an accident that injured his right eye. He was no longer fit for active sea duty.

Harm concluded murder in spite of the fact that there was no motive to speak of. The XO was too well liked and respected. There were no "means" to investigate as there was no body hence no cause of death. The opportunity was TBD. Regardless, Harm convinced the convening authority to proceed with the indictment assuming that Poe would confess under Harm's constant pressure. In the end, Harm's case had no victim, no eyewitnesses and no evidence. He had a ton of speculation and a missing career commander with a spotless record. It didn't matter any more what Harm thought or what he could prove. The members had the case, and only time would tell if Harm's 'razzle dazzle' had done the trick. If he were a betting man, he would have to say that he would lose.

Harm looked back at Poe. The ensign mock saluted Harm and walked away with a sick smile on his lips. Mac was right, a body would have gone a long way to put a madman behind bars.

Mac had slammed the door to her office to force it to stay shut. It kept slipping open. All she wanted was a little peace and quiet. Just five minutes to give her head a chance to stop throbbing.

It popped open again. She looked up and Poe was in her doorway.

"Ma'am," he said in his insipid manner. "Are we done for the day?"

"I don't know." She stood up quickly. "There's no telling how long the members will take to render a decision – could be five minutes, could be five days." She looked past him. Since she had taken the case it had become harder and harder to look him in the eyes. After he told her his story, it was impossible.

"So I can go back to the base?" he asked.

"Whatever you like," she dismissed.

He shook his head as if the idea of going home didn't appeal. "Would you like to get some tea?"

The noise in her head grew louder and made her wince. She was trying to decide if a simple 'no' would suffice, if she should shut him down and remind him of rank and protocol or if she just needed an excuse.

"Colonel?" Harm called to her over Poe's shoulder. "Are you ready?" he asked matter-of-factly.

"Yes." There were times when Harm had an uncanny ability to know when she was in trouble and exactly how to get her out of it. It was one of the things that confused her about him: sometimes the hero, sometimes the thorn in the side, some times the object of her fantasies, sometimes the bane of her existence. The only thing she knew for sure, he was always there – out of the corner of her eye, or blocking her way, or right behind her – he was always there. She reached down to pick up her briefcase and glanced at Poe. "Ensign," she said and slipped passed him to follow Harm's lead. They were in the parking lot and he was opening his car door for her before she thought to ask. "Where are we going?"

"Away from here." He smiled softly and nodded for her to get in.

She hesitated.

"How about some coffee and pie?" he suggested. "Or a walk around the park."

She considered. "Somewhere quiet … no pie." She rubbed at her temple. "I've had enough candy corn to send me into a diabetic coma."

They were half way around the park before he spoke. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"No," she said quickly. The reality was that she did want to, but couldn't – not with him, not with anyone. He was about to press, when her phone rang. She panicked assuming it was the call saying that the members were coming back with a verdict. She looked down at her caller ID; it was Mic. She hit "silence" and put the phone away.

"Don't want to talk to him either," he observed. "Guess I won't take it personally then."

Mac was in no mood to sooth the Ego of Harm so she said nothing, but absent mindedly started twisting the ring on her finger.

"Would you like to talk about that?" He nodded to the ring.

She stuffed her hand into her pocket. "What are you doing, Harm?" She pushed back. "Why are you being nice to me? What do you want?"

"I want to find out what is going on with you," he said simply. "You're acting … strange."

"You know as well as I do that there are some things we can't share … and some things we won't share."

"**Can't** being Poe and **won't** being Brumby?" he prodded.

"Or Renee," she added. "Where is she … why are you here with me?"

"First of all," he got very defensive. "Renee and I are not joined at the hip and if you want to know something - ask." He waited to see if she would take him up on the offer. She would never know how much he wanted her to take him up on the offer. Talking about his relationship with Renee (or lack there of) would open the conversation to talk about another relationship that he was interested in pursuing – if there was still any interest from the other party.

She looked away. She wasn't about to go down that road again.

Harm was shot down. "Second of all, you're a friend … a good friend … and I can see that something is bothering you," he said evenly. "I thought it was this case, but now I think it might be Brumby."

"And?" She demanded.

"I want to help," he said it like it was obvious, but it sounded stupid even to him. He wouldn't have admitted it, but he would have gloated if there were trouble in the MacKenzie/Brumby paradise.

"Thanks." She shook her head. "No thanks." She started walking again, picking up her pace.

Harm watched her for a moment. She would not get away from him, but he thought a moment of space might be a good idea. When the distance was far enough, a couple of long strides and he was in step with her again.

"So what are you doing for Halloween?" He changed the subject. "Going to the JAG Children's Party?"

"I don't think so."

"Don't have a costume?" He played with her. "How about a belly dancer … or genie … a nurse … French maid with the stockings and the duster." He paused flashing his 100-watt smile. "But I guess renting a costume might be a little hard at this late hour."

She shook her head. She had no intention of getting a costume, going to a party or celebrating Halloween in any fashion other than with an old movie and a large pizza.

"Hey …" he was inspired. "You could wear that bathing suit you wore in Australia … you know the two piece … bottoms and a hat."

She had to smile – he was such a GUY when he wanted to be. "You don't think it might be a little cold for that?" she played back.

"That might be an interesting look too." He licked his lips and scanned her profile.

"Maybe not for the Children's party."

"Nothing says that you have to go trick or treating in that neighborhood." The innuendo was thick in his voice.

She gave him a sidelong look. "You got some candy you are giving away, sailor?"

"Maybe." His smile narrowed pursing his lips. "I might like to see what 'trick' I would be in for."

She stopped and studied him for a moment. "Is that a … request?" she asked.

"If it were?"

She shook her head. How could a man who was so committed to EVERY cause there was, be so NON-committal with her? She wanted to think it was all women, that he just had an issue with intimacy, but she couldn't make herself believe it. Her phone rang saving her from responding, and then his. The members were back. The verdict was in. Her mind was back on the case and Harm's proposition – if that indeed was what it was – forgotten.

"Not Guilty."

Mac sat back down and kept her eyes on the floor. Ensign Poe put his hand on her shoulder and started to lean down to whisper something in her ear. She stood up and stepped back. "Get some help Ensign," she said loudly enough for him to hear, but no others. She walked away.

"I'm not crazy," he stated out loud.

Harm witnessed the entire exchange and was more convinced than ever that Poe was guilty and that Mac knew it. Sometimes winning was worse than losing.

Harm pounded at her doorframe and waited to be acknowledged.

"Not now Harm," she said keeping her head down.

"Now is good." He came in and closed the door. "Tell me what is going on," he demanded in a less than friendly tone.

She looked up and narrowed her eyes. "You lost … I won," she announced. "Don't like that very much, do you?"

"This has nothing to do with winning or losing, Mac," he stated climbing up on his high horse. "This has to do with letting a murderer go free and sending a madman back out there."

"The members didn't see it that way," she stated.

"So you are saying your client is innocent," he pushed.

"I'm saying that YOU didn't do your job." She stood up. "This is not on my head, this is on yours." Her head pounded and she pressed at her temple.

"What Mac? … What is on my head?" He demanded again. "Tell me the truth."

"ENOUGH HARM!!!" She nearly shrieked trying to get all the noise to stop. Her over reaction shocked him. "I can't tell you what you want to hear, Commander," she stated forcing her voice under control. She motioned for him to leave. "Close the door on the way out."

He considered her for a long minute. He was livid. Harm hated losing and he hated losing more when he was right. "This is not justice, Colonel."

"It is what it is, Commander."

Harm left and purposely left the door open. Mac was moving to close it when she saw Poe standing across the bullpen. He had clearly witnessed the entire exchange.

Poe closed the distance between them quickly. "I have a question … about client-lawyer privilege." He stood very close to her. "It extends even after the case is over, yes?"

"Get some help, Ensign," she closed the door in his face.

The ensign didn't move for a long time. He watched her through the glass. She was about to call the SPs, but he walked away. She felt dirty every time she got close to him.

Unnoticed, Harm followed him out.

1900 EST October 31, 2000

**JAG Headquarters**

The storm raged outside: lightening, thunder, rain coming down in buckets.

Mac should have gone home hours before like the rest of the crew, but couldn't stand the idea of being alone in her apartment. She thought about going to the Children's party, but was not in a party mood. She thought about calling Harm, but after the fight they had that day, it would be days before they were friendly again. Harm had an ego, and when it was bruised it was best to stay out of his way.

The thing was: she didn't want to stay out of his way. She wanted to be smack dab in the middle of his way and then maybe he would talk to her rather than AT or AROUND her. On the other hand, what was there to talk about? He had made his feelings quite clear that night in Sydney: she made the first move (to protect his precious ego) and she was DENIED. Thank God for Mic or she would have suffered her own ego hit that would have kept her down for months.

"You did not …" Mac shook herself back to reality and scolded herself. "Don't go there." She twisted the ring on her finger. She would not OWN that Mic was a rebound reaction but there were more than three occasions when she was alone with her thoughts where she had to wonder.

She got up to forage in the fridge for something substantial to eat. Her candy corn headache was still raging. She came back to her office with some instant soup and stale crackers – reminded her of Halloween when she was a kid.

Something was different. She couldn't put her finger on it but she had an uncanny feeling that someone had been in her office. She tried to ignore it, but between the thunder and lightening, she found herself getting very spooked.

She tried to go back to work, but her mind was spinning again. She remembered her second meeting with Poe.

"_I am not crazy," he started. "In fact my senses have never been shaper. I hear things, see things, experience things as I never did before. I hear things that no one else can hear, but that doesn't make me mad," he went on. "I liked the guy … the XO … I liked him a lot. He was nothing but good to me, took me under his wing. After the accident … his eye … like a vulture's … that nasty blue … pale blue … like the sky … I couldn't stand it … it followed me everywhere. Sent a shiver down my spine. I had to get rid of it … to stop it from watching me … but I liked the old man … like I said … he was good to me. It was just that damned eye."_

_Mac didn't want to hear any more. "You need to talk to a doctor."_

"_No ... there is no need … I took care of it … no one will ever know … no one will ever find out … I took precautions … wise precautions. Even your Commander Rabb didn't find anything. You see … a mad man would have made mistakes, a mad man wouldn't have been so meticulous … so wary. Nothing will ever be detected."_

_Mac's breath caught in her throat. It was too late. She couldn't tell anyone what he was saying, the only thing she could do was to convince him to confess. "You should say nothing more to me … you need to talk to a doctor."_

"_I am not mad, Colonel," he protested. "I am the sanest man I know."_

Just then there was a loud clap of thunder and the lights went out. Mac saw a shadow cross her office door.

"Hello?" she called out. "Is anyone there?" The emergency lights clicked on and Mac saw a silhouette of a man standing in the bullpen. She stood up. "Who is there?" she demanded again. She reached for the phone, but the line was dead. The man was approaching. She fumbled to find her cell phone, but it was gone.

A lightening strike lit up the room. Ensign Ed Poe was standing in her doorway. "Working late Colonel?" He asked.

"What are you doing here, Ensign?"

"I wanted to thank you for all you did for me." He walked toward her.

"It was my job." She stepped back trying not to show her fear.

"You did more than your job." He advanced on her.

"Don't take another step closer," she ordered.

He stopped. "You have nothing to fear from me, Colonel," he assured her. "I have nothing but the utmost respect for you."

"You need to leave," she ordered again. "You are not supposed to be in here."

"Do I have to?" he asked sadly. "I really have nowhere to go," he stated. "I am not going back to the ship, but haven't been given my new orders yet." He slumped down in the chair and rocked. "I don't want to be alone." He rubbed at his temple. "I hear things, Colonel."

"You need to see a doctor," she told him.

"A doctor won't help." He looked up at her. "You hear it too, don't you Colonel?" He put his fingers in his ears. "I know you hear it … it's so loud … so damned loud … it's getting louder still."

"I don't hear anything," she told him.

He stood up quickly knocking over his chair. He was becoming agitated. "YOU DO! You are mocking me … thump, Thump … THUMP … you have to hear it … it's so loud."

Mac tried to walk around him, but he grabbed her and pushed her back against the wall.

"MAKE IT STOP, COLONEL … MAKE IT STOP," he shouted at her.

She tried to get away but his grip was like a vice. His body was pressed up against hers preventing her from using her legs or arms. She was pinned. She had to talk him down. "I don't hear anything, Ensign."

He put his hands around her throat. "You're lying … you hear it … you are mocking me." His fingers started to grip tighter. "You know about the old man … his eye … it was his eye … I had to get rid of it … get it out of my sight … I am not crazy … but the NOISE … OH GOD … I hear it … that damned heart is still beating … Make it stop."

Mac was struggling to get away, but he was too strong for her. She could no longer make a sound. She was about to pass out, when all of a sudden the fingers on her throat were gone, the pressure was off. Poe had been pulled off of her and was pinned to the ground. He was still ranting. Harm had his knee in Poe's back and was cuffing him. He pulled Poe to his feet and shoved him into the hands of the waiting SPs. He wouldn't get off this time.

He was by her side a moment later. "Mac, are you OK?" He righted the chair and guided her to it. "Mac?"

"I don't understand," she panted. "Thank you." She rubbed at her neck.

"I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner." He loosened her uniform top to allow her to breathe more easily.

"What are you doing here at all?" She couldn't believe that it was luck that Harm happened to stop by.

"Been following Poe since this afternoon," he owned.

"Why?" She asked.

"Cause I knew something was not right with that guy," he told her. "I didn't know you were still here, or I would have followed him in. I thought he was just here for the file, and I was waiting to catch him exiting the building."

The SPs were back with a couple of EMTs. Mac had to get checked out and they both needed to make statements.

2245 EST October 31, 2000

**JAG Headquarters**

Mac was dropped back at the JAG offices by one of the EMTs. They kept her at the hospital longer than they should have. She had complained of a headache and had to convince them that it was just stress. That she had not hit her head in the struggle and that she was fine to go home. Her head was still pounding but it felt like it was coming from outside rather than inside – like a sound, a droning sound in her ear.

She drove toward her apartment with the radio off. Her mind filled with that day's events but it was not Poe she dwelled on; it was Harm. She couldn't stop thinking about him. That he had again "saved" her. There was no telling what would have happened if he hadn't shown up. She quite possibly could have been killed. But for some reason that part didn't seem real. Harm's actions were real; Poe's were not.

_**Pound … Pound … Pound …**_

Harm the Hero … bah. That was what Harm did. He saved damsels in distress – it was nothing personal. It never was personal with Harm even when she tried to make it personal.

_**Humph … Humph … Humph ... **_

His eyes, his lips, his smile, his gentle hands as they took care of her, the way he looked at her when he was mad, or when he was flirting with her filled her mind. He was more than her hero … he was the object of her desire … and had been for some time.

_**Harumph … Harumph … Harumph ... **_

It occurred to her that the sound was not just a sound; it was a word. She listened for it.

_**Harumm … Harumm … Harumm ...**_

She pulled over to the side of the road.

_**Harumm … Harumm … Harumm ...**_

"Harm?" she said to herself. "Harm!" she said again.

She put her car in gear and headed for Harm's apartment. The pounding in her head ebbed away.

2330 EST October 31, 2000

**Rabb Residence**

**North of Union Station**

Harm had just arrived home. He had to accompany Poe to the brig and file charges. The last he saw of Mac, she was headed to the hospital with a great deal of protest but the EMTs insisted. He had a chance to change into sweats and was trying to decide if it were too late to eat dinner.

There was a knock on the door.

"Trick or Treat," Mac said holding a bag from his favorite take-out.

"Wow … clearly a treat." He stepped back to let her enter. "How are you feeling?" He asked.

"I'm fine." She was tired of answering that question but rubbed at her neck anyway. "I was fine … I wouldn't have been, but thanks to you … I'm fine."

"Glad I could be of assistance," he owned proudly. "Poe was a nut job. We couldn't get him to shut up on the way to the brig … I thought he was going to confess to killing Kennedy next."

"Did he tell you what happened to Commander Raven?"

"In more detail than I really needed to hear," Harm admitted. "And told us where we could find the body," he winced. "Well, body parts anyway."

Mac nodded. "You know there are times when this job isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Heard that." He dished up the food she brought and put a plate down in front of her. "You really OK?" He asked again and touched her neck gently. He really wasn't asking about her health, it was more her mental state that concerned him.

"I'm Ok," she smiled. "I will be fine."

"Good." He nodded and stuffed a forkful of pasta into his mouth. "Very good … thanks."

"Welcome." She didn't eat. She was lost in a thought. The pounding in her ears was a dull echo.

He took another bite. "Care to talk about that?"

"What?"

"What you were thinking about just then." He shrugged trying not to act like a know-it-all. "It wasn't about Poe and I don't think it was about Brumby."

"You think you can read my mind now?" she asked.

"Not even close," he admitted. "But it was something."

"It was actually about you."

"Oh?" He leaned back. "A _**Dear Diary**_ moment or something you are willing to share?"

She laughed. "Ego as big as all outdoors," she told him shaking her head. She had second thoughts about speaking her mind.

"Mac?" he prodded gently.

"You confuse me," she blurted out.

"I do?" He felt as if he had been scolded. "How do I confuse you?"

Mac said exactly what was on her mind. "You say you are my friend … you imply that you want more … you act like a jealous lover … yet you never put yourself out there … at least not with me." She was annoyed that she had to say it out loud and wished it were more condemning than just her whining. "Confused."

He let her words rest in his mind for a moment; he didn't even consider a retort or a defense. Her assessment was dead on but it would probably still not admit it.

Mac waited for him to reply. When she realized that one was not forth coming she added. "You are only this way with me … and I should be flattered … but I'm not … just confused."

He looked down at her hand. She was still wearing Brumby's ring. "I'm confused why you want to talk about this," he said evenly.

"Meaning what?" She followed his line of sight to her hand. "Because of this?" She held up her hand. "Because of Brumby."

He nodded and shrugged. "I'm confused."

"It's a friendship ring," she protested.

"It's an engagement ring … don't care which hand it is on," he stated. "The significance of which is hard to ignore."

"Significance?"

"Engagement ring … Engagement. It would be …" he searched for a word. " … impolite to make a run at a women who was engaged," he said with little affect.

"_Make a run at_?" she mocked.

"Mac, you asked how long we were going to wait," he reminded her. "And before I could really come up with an answer … before I knew that you were interested and waiting … you moved on."

"Is that what you think happened?" she asked.

"Correct me," he offered.

"I was rejected." She tried to hide the hurt.

"You were anything but rejected," he corrected. "You hit me out of the blue … at most you were postponed."

"Until when?" she pushed.

"We didn't have a chance to find out." He nodded to the ring.

"Is that really all that is stopping you?"

"That … and I usually don't go where I am not wanted," he added "Female-wise."

"I see." She leaned back. She really tried to see if she could own any part of his claims. After a moment she realized that he could have a point. She slowly pulled Brumby's ring off her finger and tucked it into her pocket.

It was an overt gesture that he could not deny. His smile was hard to contain. "This could get complicated." He leaned in toward her. "Very complicated."

"A promise or a threat?" She leaned toward him.

"Just an acknowledgement." He took her hand and rubbed her finger where the ring had been, as if he were trying to blot out any memory of it and the man who gave it to her.

"Scared?" She leaned in closer.

"You bet." He slid his cheek next to hers and inhaled her scent at the nape of her neck.

"What to skip it?" she whispered huskily into his ear.

"Not a chance." He looked into her eyes, licked his lips and kissed her. He liked it and she did too – he could tell. "Not a chance in hell." He kissed her again.

She stood up, put her hand out to him and nodded toward the bedroom.

"Exceedingly complicated." He swept her up into his arms and carried her up the stairs.

Short moments later the phone rang and Mac groaned her disapproval.

"Let the machine get it," came his muffled reply.

On the fourth ring the machine picked up.

"_Hey Baby … Renee … I'm in the neighborhood. Wanna help me get out of my costume? … Be there in 10_."

Harm tripped down the stairs on his way to the phone; his shirt open and his pants sliding down his hips. "Renee!" He shouted into the dead phone. He looked back. Mac was standing in his doorway buttoning her shirt. She didn't look happy. "This will only take a second," he told her.

"Never mind, Harm." She moved toward the door.

"That's not fair," he told her.

"I don't have to be fair," she snapped and opened the door to leave.

"Even to yourself?" he asked to her back. She turned back to look at him. "How about you give me a chance?" he asked. "How about you give us a chance?"

Mac studied him for a moment. Then closed the door.

But which side of the door was she on?

Here is a little Cosmo-esque test:

If you are a **Mac-Hater**, then she was on the outside. She ran away vowing to never speak to him again. It would be at least another season or more before we had another shipper moment and Harm would look like the rejected lover (read whipped puppy) until then.

If you are a **Harm-Hater**, then she was on the outside. She met her Mystery Date on the way to her car – rich, handsome, sensitive and kind. He took her away from all the Harm/Mic foolishness and she lived happily after on JAG 2: The Marine Years.

If you are a **Renee-Hater**, then Mac was on the inside, they went to bed and he didn't bother to call Renee to tell her not to come, but put the chain on the door so she wouldn't interrupt them. So long Renee, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

If you are a **Mac-Lover**, then she was on the inside, she let Harm have it for being such a putz and told him if he could get his shit together, end it with Renee and be honest and forthright about his feelings for her, then he could come to her and they could discuss a relationship. Until that time there were nothing more than colleagues and casual friends and he should act accordingly.

If you are a **Harm-The Hero-Lover**, then she was on the outside knowing that before they could get together he had to break Renee's heart and rescue three other women, a fleet of ships, the western world and a kitten up a tree before he could hook up with her. Mac waited patiently for the next time he would save her, which of course she and he did.

If you are a **Renee Lover**, then it didn't matter if Mac were on the inside or the outside because Renee was spun off into her own show where she became the head of a huge advertising agency and had men throwing themselves at her. She lived happily ever after.

If you are a **Harlequin Romance H/M Shipper**, then she was on the outside. Harm had to chase her down, profess his undying love to her, and was kissed her in the middle of the street in the rain for all the world to see (including Renee). They lived happily ever after – sunset and all.

If you are a **Passive Shipper**, then she was on the outside with Harm and they hid in the stairwell until Renee was gone.

If you are a **Mature Idealistic Shipper**, then she was on the inside and she supported Harm as he made the call. They talked through the decisions to break up with their casual SOs, discussed how their relationship would be different and how it would affect their jobs and made some conscious choices. They made love like two consenting adults and commenced a relationship with open communication and respect (end of JAG in season 5).

If you are an **NC-17 FanFic Reader**, then Mac was on the inside and they foreplayed waiting until Rene showed up for a three-way (Harm watched mostly).

If you are a **JAG Case Watcher**, then there was a lost child dressed as a pumpkin in the hallway running away from the man who killed her father and needed both Harm and Mac's help – again weeks before another shipper moment.

If you are a **DJE Hater**, then studio was on the outside with a new contract for Catherine Bell with double the salary, a larger trailer, more airtime, winning cases and a NEW love interest that the fans could cheer for. Start of JAG the ENSEMBLE CAST in Season 5 (and DJE finds a new agent).

If you are a **Halloween: The Movie Fanatic**, then Michael was on the outside and killed them both with a big knife.

If you are a **Fan-Fic Writer**, then you didn't CARE what side of the door she was on because either way it would open a 20-chapter tangent-saga telling a completely different story for Harm and Mac ending with them dying in each others arms well into their 90s as much in love and sexually active as Romeo and Juliet before the 'accident' that you had no intention of writing.

If you are **Getting Old and Forgetful** (and who isn't), then you are asking yourself _**Which one was Renee? **_And _**Harm was the tall one, wasn't he?**_

Whatever your type, Harm and Mac cut across so many groups of people (a little something for everyone) that everyone could probably find some reason to watch them.

If you don't see your "type" up there … please feel free to add your own.

Happy Halloween!!!


	4. Halloween: Dress Up

**Title: Dress Up**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Halloween 2009**

Spoilers: End of Show – Post Coin Toss – Winner: Rabb

TOTAL PIECE OF HALLOWEEN FLUFF … remember to floss.

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Captain Harmon Rabb made his way through the streets of Washington headed home for Halloween with his family. He was late (as per usual) and Mac would be silently annoyed (as per usual). It was the first year that his daughter knew what Halloween and dress up was all about. Zoe was two and a half and she was going as Ariel from the Little Mermaid. His son (Harmon III but got the nickname of Dylan) was thirteen months and would be going as Harm's RIO. The poor little guy would have no idea how cute he was in his little flight suit but there would be pictures and video to embarrass him when he got older. There was some discussion as to what Mac would dress up as, but it would probably be a witch or an angel. Mac was not INTO dressing up.

Harm worked too hard. He had already missed the Halloween Parade at the preschool the day before and the neighborhood block party that afternoon, but he would not miss Trick-or-Treating with his kids or the adult party at Colonel Mitchell's house or the After-After Party his wife.

The billet in London only lasted twelve months; then he was offered a primo position at the Pentagon which had intensified with the change of Administration. He was on his way to being admiral (in a few years) but he had already made a name for himself and was well respected in the political arena. He had been called to the White House more than twice. Marriage and kids had tempered his actions, but not his passion for the law or fighting for what was right and just. Or had it?

The years since the coin toss were good to Mac too, sort of. The first year was a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride for her. Giving up her career was not as hard as she expected it to be. She did find work in London, but her passion became her marriage and trying to have a baby. She found an amazing fertility doctor in London and had some success conceiving – twice. She lost both babies in that first year. It nearly broke her heart but Mac was a fighter and was not about to quit. She finally had the husband/life partner she had always wanted. They had too much to give to let that be enough. They wanted a child. They started the adoption process but they were told repeatedly that most agencies were reluctant to place a child with a military family. So they turned to surrogacy – a biological child of theirs carried to term by a generous woman. Miraculously, the process took the first time and without complications they had a daughter. It was an amazing experience. With very little discussion, they started the process for a second child. Though it didn't take the first time and there were some tense months with the health of the surrogate mother and the baby; nineteen months after their daughter was born they brought their son home. Mac's life was filled with her children and building the family she never had. She didn't miss the law, the marines or anything that her life before had given her. Four and a half years into the marriage she was beginning to miss her husband though. Harm worked too hard – well too many hours.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Ariel came running and threw her arms up to be picked up. "Don't mess my costume!" she warned as he tossed her into the air.

"You are beautiful, my little chicken of the sea." He kissed her head and held her tightly. "How was the party?" Zoe prattled on about all the costumes and the games and the candy. She told him (as best as a two and a half year old could) that Missy from down the street won for best costume, but that hers was better.

"You need to get into your costume," Mac said stiffly as she took Zoe from his arms. "And you Little Miss, need to finish your supper or there will be NO Trick or Treating." The little girl scampered back into the kitchen. Harm tried to kiss Mac but she turned away. "This was the earliest you could get here?" she scolded.

He frowned knowing that he would be in the dog house for a least an hour or two. "I brought a peace offering." He held up a bag from Victoria Secret. "I'm sorry?"

"Most men bring flowers," she reluctantly took the bag from him.

"Most men's wives couldn't wear that," he nodded to the bag. "Or do it justice."

"Yeah, you are all about justice." She opened bag and pulled out lace trim flyaway baby doll top and matching v-string panties – black of course – It was Halloween. "Aren't you too old for this?" She shook her head. "Aren't I?"

"Thought we might have our own Adult Trick-or-Treat later," he whispered into her ear. "I have a treat for you," he suggested and stole a kiss on the way to the bedroom.

"In your dreams," she called after him.

"Yes you are … every night and all day long," he called back.

She shook him off and stuffed the nitey back in the bag. He always said stuff like that to her. After four years she still wasn't impressed, but it was nice to know that he still found her attractive – attractive enough to buy her sexy lingerie. Funny how their "courtship" was all about getting him to speak his feelings, and their marriage was about getting him to put his actions where his statements were. She went to the kitchen to attend her kids. Harm entered in moments, he could still do the quick change like a sailor. It wasn't a clever costume or even original. He was in his old flight suit – it was a little tight around the midsection and shoulders, but he could still pull it off. She smiled at him, "No Halloween candy for you."

"Roger that!" He patted his stomach. "Hey my boy!" he leaned down and kissed his son who squealed with excitement. He was in a pumpkin costume. "Thought he was going to be my RIO," Harm asked.

"It didn't survive the party." She nodded to the pile of clothes in front of the washer with the tiny flight suit on top.

"OH?" Harm made a mental note to take care of the laundry later.

"Someone had a little too much excitement today."

"I see." Harm went to the refrigerator to pull out stuff to make a salad but Mac had already done it. He never expected her to have dinner on the table for him when he got home, but when she did he really appreciated it. "Thank you, dear." He leaned against the counter to eat. "Where is your costume?" he said with a mouthful of salad.

"Now that you are here, I can change." She started to leave but Harm reached a long arm out to grab her around the waist and pull her to him. "Hey," she yelped and motioned to the kids who were watching them and laughing.

"So what did you decided? … French Maid, Sexy Devil, Catwoman … Cheerleader with big Pom-Poms?"

"I never knew you liked Halloween so much," she settled into his embrace.

"Love to play dress up," he nuzzled her neck.

"I could wear that 'peace offering'," she offered.

"Not out of the house, you won't." He kissed the back of her neck. "That is for me." He whispered something that only they understood.

"Harm!" She blushed. "What has gotten into you?"

He released her and slapped her butt herding her out of the room. "Get changed … so we can get back … so we can go … so we can GET BACK." She watched for a moment as he cleared the table and talked with his kids about their day. She couldn't help it. She wanted to be mad. She wanted to make him apologize for being so absent. She didn't want a gift, a few suggestive comments and a kiss to be his only penance. But it couldn't be helped. She forgave him anything. What he lacked in quantity he made up for in quality. In his limited time at home, he was a good father and an attentive husband. He helped (more than most husbands) when he could and didn't have unreasonable expectations. He loved his family – his loved his wife and she was seriously smitten with him after all those years. "Still here?" he smiled up at her. "You going as a captain's wife?" He knew that would get her moving.

When she came back the kitchen was secure and Harm was still talking to the kids. She was poured into a flight suit as well only her tight spots were curvier and in all the right places. She had done a little tailoring. The zipper didn't go past a certain point which only accentuated her already ample form. "You need a RIO, sailor?" She struck a pose in the doorway.

Harm was stunned for a moment. That woman could make a burlap sack look sexy, but in something like that ---. "Oh baby," he leaned back to admire her. "If I had a RIO like you, I would never have landed."

"Or made it off the ground."

"That too," he agreed. "Wasted my money at Victoria's." He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

"Let's go Trick-or-Treating," she said to the kids as she leaned over a little too much to pick up Dylan, giving Harm the view he was longing for.

He licked his lips. "I got my treat."

"Not yet you didn't." She leaned over and kissed him.

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They were home and the kids were in bed by 1930 hours. It was a blast. Zoe had the time of her life and didn't care when the candy was taken away from her. The only fight was when she was told she couldn't sleep in her costume. They were back from the Mitchell's and the babysitter taken home by 2300 hours. Finally Harm and Mac has some time for themselves. It was a safe bet that the kids would not wake up in the middle of the night so there was no need to RUSH anything.

"Party was fun," she commented.

"Love being the envy of my neighbors," he grinned.

"Thought Alison made a pretty hot witch," she eyed him.

"Too close to her real personality."

"You didn't mind looking," she teased.

"Old, not dead."

"Is that that why you thought I needed a peace offering? So you can look at pretty girls? Not that I can be bought off with … lingerie and sweet talk."

"Then how about three uninterrupted days and two nights at that little bed and breakfast in South Carolina … the one right on the water."

"What? When?"

"We fly out tomorrow morning."

"The kids?"

"Harriet and Bud."

"Work?"

"Took leave … actually took five days, but figured 3 days was all you could stand away from the kids."

"Or you," she prompted.

"Or me." He smiled.

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened."

"What happened?" she asked again.

"Reprioritizing."

"What happened?" she asked one last time.

"John Tucker's wife ran away with the postman … after 28 years and three kids, she left him for a guy half his age."

Mac sat down on the bed. "Wow."

"Yeah, apparently the affair had been going on for three or four years … now that their last kid is in college, Janet decided to _**follow her heart**_."

"How's John?"

"Devastated … lost … I have never seen a man so miserable."

"I'm sorry for him."

"Yeah, well … he blames himself. He knew he was putting his career first all these years. He added it up and discovered that in 28 years he had been home for almost 6. That is a lot of away time – hard for anyone to take."

"Not really a marriage, I suppose," Mac agreed. "But they were kids when they got together."

"Yes they were – right after he was commissioned. He was expecting to retire with his thirty and move to a cabin in the woods … or a ranch … or something."

"When did all this happen?"

"He told me today … she left about two weeks ago. I think he was hoping she would change her mind and come back, but he was served yesterday."

"Very sad … but what does that have to do with us … with this?" she held up the v-string. "Or a surprise romantic weekend away."

"I see how you have been looking at the butcher," he joked.

"Harm!" she scolded.

He took her hand and sat down on the bed with her. "I tend to lose sight of what is really important … you know that about me … If something is broken or needs attention, I'm all over it."

"Are you saying that you think our marriage is broken?"

"No, that is just it … I'm happy … I suspect that you are happy, though I don't ask you often enough."

"I am."

"So because it's not broken, I don't focus on it … on us … on you … on the kids … on where we will be in 25 years. I don't want to wake up some morning and find out that you are having an affair with the pool boy … and we don't even have a pool."

"That's not going to happen."

"You don't know that … I don't know that."

"I know I won't break my vows," she pressed. "And neither will you."

"No … but we could sit back and be content … or we can put some work into it and be happy … happier."

She wasn't convinced. "Something else happened."

He leaned back. The conversation was totally zapping the MOOD he had been trying to set. "Landis Miller was killed in action … RPG hit her Humvee."

"Oh no – when?"

"Day or two ago … Hank didn't find out until this morning."

"Is he OK?"

"I haven't spoken to him, but I can't think he is anywhere close to OK. He has three kids under the age of twelve, but he is a marine, ya know. He was prepared … or as prepared as you can be."

"Yeah." Mac knew that she would have done her duty and if she were ordered back to a war zone, she would leave her kids, but she couldn't imagine actually doing it. Landis Miller was not a good friend, but Mac liked her, respected her and supported her choice. Mac was lucky that she didn't have to remain in uniform. On the other hand, it was not out of the realm of possibility that Harm could be reassigned.

Harm leaned over and tugged at zipper of her flight suit. "I didn't want this to ruin our night. If anything we should be grateful for all that we have … for our luck, for the luck we made for ourselves and will continue to make." He pulled the zipper down to her waist discovering that what she had on under the flight suit was far from regulation. "Oh baby," he groaned. Guess Mac had made her own trip to Victoria Secret. "Like you said," he nuzzled her neck leaning her back down on the bed. "Never gotten off the ground."

FADE TO BLACK

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Mac woke around 0400; she was alone in bed. She found Harm standing in the doorway to Dylan's room just watching the child sleep. He got the name Dylan as a joke. Harm hadn't wanted his son to be a Rabb III, but he knew what it meant to his mother and grandmother. They discussed all kinds of names – Dylan was in the list, but not anywhere near the top. On their way to the hospital there was a Bob Dylan song on the radio (Harm swore it was _**I'll Be Your Baby Tonight **_but Mac holds that it was_** It's All Over Now, Baby Blue**_ in reality it was _**Just Like A Woman**_). In any event it was a Bob Dylan song and there was the word baby in the lyrics and Harm joked that they should call him Dylan. The name stuck everywhere but on the birth certificate. "Waking up alone in bed is not the best way to start off a romantic weekend," she whispered slipping her arms around him from behind. He pulled her around in front of him and wrapped her up in a warm embrace. "Haven't changed your mind?" she asked.

"About a weekend alone with you? Not a chance."

"So what's going on?" He reflected for a moment trying to decide if there was a way to avoid the conversation at the moment. Choosing not to, he took her by the hand and led her from the room not back into the bedroom as she had expected, but into the kitchen. The kitchen (any of them) was where they did their REAL talking. The kitchen was the place where she had told him about both miscarriages; where they discussed the surrogacy, where they decided which house to buy, where they discussed god parents for their children and signed their wills. A conversation in the wee hours of the morning in the kitchen was not something to be taken lightly. "Harm?" she asked nervously.

"Tea?" he asked.

"Sure," she said tentatively. "But you are making me very nervous."

"Nothing to be nervous about … nothing bad," he put the water on and sat down caddy corner from her. "Was going to wait until we were really alone … alone with some time to talk about this."

"Go on."

"I was offered at job at Northrop Grumman as their in house counsel … well one of them."

Mac let out the breath she had been holding. She wasn't sure what she was afraid to hear, but it could have been anything. Of course a job offer from Northrop Grumman wouldn't have made the top ten. "You would give up your commission? Can you give up your commission?"

"Well let's talk about whether I should and what it would mean for us if I do and then we will get to woulds and coulds."

Over tea, cookies and a few too many pieces of Halloween candy they discussed the pros and cons of a move to the private sector – for him, for them and for the future for the family. The pros were hard to ignore: more money, more time at home, less chance of being sent into a warzone, less chance of a transfer though there was the opportunity to relocate – which could be good. There weren't too many cons other than the obvious – Harm would have to give up his commission and any chance he had at being an admiral or JAG. Mac was years away from going back to work and she was convinced that she wouldn't reenlist but would go back into the law. Harm wanted to support that choice in any way he could and naturally it would be easier if he were not in danger of being sent overseas.

"I will support any decision you make," she said.

"Any decision WE make … I am not in this alone and it more than affects you."

Mac shook her head. "No," she said slowly and checked the clock on the wall. It was close to 0530. The sun would be up in an hour and the kids right after. They were set to leave at 0900. "We need to get a move on."

"Wait," he said. "No what?"

"No, we are not going to decide this right now. Let's think about it for a few days. I'm assuming you don't need an answer immediately."

"Not immediately … but by end of week … at least for an answer. It may take time to have all the paper work sent through and approved."

"Good … then we have a little bit of time." She got up and put the dishes in the sink. "Do you want to pack your own stuff?" she asked a little distantly.

"Yeah," he wasn't really listening to her words, was more interested in her affect. He got up and touched her shoulder. "You ok, babe?"

"Hate it when you call be _**babe**_," she smiled weakly at him. "I'm fine." She left the kitchen. He followed along after her and watched her as she busied herself pulling out the luggage and clothes for the weekend. "You are taking me to a nice dinner," she said not turning to look at him.

"Of course."

"Nice dinner … lobster … steak … chocolate soufflé."

"Ok." The flight suit she wore the night before was tossed over the chair and the baby doll lingerie was draped across the arm. He couldn't decide which was sexier: the flight suit, the lingerie (which was still only in his mind), or the marine green sweats she was wearing at the moment. He determined that it had nothing to do with the clothes, it was the woman inside. "So long as you pack this." He picked up the lingerie and dropped it into her open bag without saying a word. Hey, no reason to let it go to waste.

"Ya know Harm," she turned toward him with a purr in her voice. "You aren't the only one who likes to play dress up."

"What does that mean?"

"It means …" She sidled over next to him and slide her hands up his chest and laced them around his neck. "It means that I like a man in uniform … or out of uniform."

He grinned. "I guess that narrows the field."

"You misunderstand … I like getting a man in uniform - out of uniform." She pushed his robe off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor.

"Any uniform?" He watched as she scratched her nails down his chest.

"Rank … I like rank," she cooed. "A man of power … in uniform."

"I see … so Senior Dog Catcher would be OK?"

"More power."

"Head garbage collector?"

"More," she nipped as his chin.

"Chief bell hop?"

"A man without the concept," she pushed him down on the bed.

"A woman who only sees power in the medals on a man's chest."

"Oh SNAP," she quipped.

"Is this your way of telling me you don't want me to take the job?"

"Not at all … we can always play dress up."

"I like the way you think, babe."


	5. Thanksgiving: Connections

Title: Thanksgiving Connections

**By: LizD**

**Written: Thanksgiving 2006**

**Spoilers: 20 Months Post Season Finale **

**Coin Toss Result: Mac won, but after a wedding night of protestations of love, plans for a future and discussions about a family, they decided that it would be more practical if Mac resigned, Harm kept his Captain's grade and they started to work on a family right away. So the Rabbs were living in London.**

The day had finally arrived - nearly eight years in the making (at the very least the last year and a half). Ma and Pa Rabb (as they had taken to calling themselves) were going to pick up their baby on the Monday after Thanksgiving. How truly blessed they would be.

Adoption was the option that had come through first. They had tried all the conventional and unconventional methods to get pregnant – no good results and only once did they hold their breath for more than a week. At least nothing BAD had happened; they still had a sliver of hope (though less than 4%). They had started the adoption process almost immediately after the wedding but not as a back up plan. They had every intention of following through and if they wound up with two kids that would have been fine with them; three or four would have been better. It amazed them both that they claimed to want so many. Both Harm and Mac were only children and they were still pretty selfish about their personal time – even more so now that they were married. But they claimed they were working toward having a house-full of kids. Who knew what would really have happened if all opportunities were fulfilled.

In the mean time, the marriage had (as all marriages do) its ups and downs. Mac found work in London and she didn't have to give up her commission to do it, but it was far from satisfying. Harm's job was more political than he would have liked and he was expected to play the diplomat. Not really the right job for him, but he was doing it. The worst part for him was how much time it took – he was working close to 60-80 hours a week (meetings mostly, unproductive, dry, boring, waste-of-time meetings), whereas Mac's job was stretched to about at 20-25. For the most part they were happy. They missed not working together, they missed not being in court, and they felt that their litigation skills were getting very rusty. There was talk of them retiring, going back to the states and opening a law office of their own, but they didn't want to do that when the children were young – the children they had yet to secure until that Thanksgiving.

But everything was changing … their hopes were about to come true.

Mac had flown back to Washington to pick up the papers they would need in China. They were adopting a Chinese daughter. There were so many children in need all over the world. It wasn't like they picked one over the other; in fact they had called several agencies and were turned down by all the agencies in the US. Apparently THEY do not like giving a child to a loving couple in the military living abroad (more disruptive for the child apparently). **_Children's Hope International_** had the same issue with them, but some how our heroes were able to convinced them that they would be good parents. So they were headed to China to pick up their daughter.

Flying on Thanksgiving was not her first choice, but she was clearly going to make an exception to take home her daughter. They were set to meet in San Francisco (Mac coming from Washington and Harm from London). She hated the San Francisco airport every time she connected through there something happened – either she couldn't get there or she couldn't get out, but it was always the fault of that airport. The problem this time was fog. Mac was stuck in Chicago, she wasn't supposed to be going through Chicago but her original flight was canceled and wound up there. She wasn't sure how long she would have to wait, or where Harm was in his travel process. They had exchanged messages - the last one was a little less than three hours prior. Harm was stuck in Boston. She was not sure if it was the weather or some mechanical trouble, regardless he would not have been able to fly into San Francisco either.

Harm's cell phone had long since died. He never kept his battery charged (one of those nit-pick things that the new couple bickered about in not so friendly terms). He of course had no way of knowing how her flights had changed. He couldn't call her from another phone, because she could not get a signal in the airport. She sent him an e-mail thinking that he might think to look there and to stay in some kind of communication, but Harm didn't think like that either – if he did, he didn't respond. She knew that he would make it to SFO even if he had to fly himself there or walk. She was not so hopeful about herself. Her last plan was to take a flight to anywhere west, rent a car and drive the rest of the way. After four hours of waiting, there was no getting out of O'Hare to anywhere. The temperature had dropped and ice was an issue.

She checked her email for the fifth time, but nothing had come from Harm. She tried to leave a message for him at the San Francisco airport, but they wouldn't take it. It occurred to her that he had made reservations at a hotel. She was going to leave a message for him there, but she couldn't remember which one and the paper she wrote it down on was in her luggage. She finally gave up and found herself a corner and sat down. She wanted to cry. It was supposed to be the happiest day of her life and she was miserable.

She thought over her last year plus with her husband. They slipped into old-coupledom a little too quickly for her tastes. She had wanted – hoped for – a little more romance, a little more excitement, a little more honeymoon. She tried to talk to him about it, but Harm didn't quite get it. He was busy with his new duties and he had accepted their love, marriage and "forever-ness" as a given. Not like it was something to be worked or nurtured. She couldn't quite read him about the adoption. He had done 85 percent of the leg work on all the adoption agencies they contacted, he did all the background checks and actually exposed two blackmarket firms and got them shut down. When the news came that they had been approved and were scheduled to pick their daughter up in November, he didn't seem overjoyed in fact he showed no emotion at all. She had seen him happier after winning a hard won case. He didn't even buy Mac flowers.

During the process of trying to get pregnant, he would do anything that was asked. He had no ego about it. They joked that if the doctor told him to dress up in Mac's underwear and sing selections from Evita (**_Don't Cry For Me Argentina_**) before, during and after, he would do it. He had his sperm checked three times – on his own without telling Mac before the doctor suggested it. He had already done a lot of research on the endometriosis and had delved deeper into all the fertility options. He was an expert. But to Mac it didn't feel that it was anything more than a process to get to the goal. He showed little or no affect and didn't talk about it much – with anyone, as best she could tell. She had to admit as unromantic as it was (working toward getting pregnant) it didn't ruin their sex life. The sex was good – nay, great – even if they were checking temperatures and making it more practical than spontaneous. He always rose to the occasion and she always felt loved in the experience. But month after month of trying and failing was wearing on Mac; she had to assume it was wearing on him. She worried that he was feeling like he had made a wrong choice of wife. He never said or did anything to send that message, but he never said or did anything to prevent her from thinking that way either (not that she told him she was thinking that way).

The fact that their whole marriage had been about children and the fact that they were so unsuccessful worried her. For the past 20 months their only focus was on kids. Mac wondered if that were more her fault than his. She had won the coin toss and had chosen to give up her career instead of Harm so they could work on a family. Maybe she was the one that put the onus on Harm to provide that family. In fact she remembered it being the major topic of conversation on their weekend honeymoon – and she was the one that brought it up repeatedly. They had talked very little about the past, about miscommunications and missed opportunities. Soon they would have a baby in the house and talking about anything from that far back would be moot.

As she sat alone in the airport that Thanksgiving eve, she felt like crying. She had wasted the honeymoon of her marriage tying them down to a family. They could never get that time back.

A plane pulled up to the gate. She felt sorry for the people on the plane. It was the last plane that boarded for San Francisco. They sat for two hours on the tarmac just hoping that SFO would open a window. She had tried to get on the plane, but someone else had taken the last stand-by seat. She had to laugh, the woman behind the counter suggested that Mac might know him since he was in a uniform too. People without the concept.

Harm checked his watch. They had been stuck on the tarmac for two hours before the flight was canceled. He couldn't tell you how he wound up in Chicago, but it wasn't easy. And he thought his luck would hold as he got the last standby seat on the last plane out of Chicago for SFO. He was on a mission to get to there. He had tried to get a hold of Mac, but his phone wasn't working. It had plenty of juice, but there was something up with the network. He tried to borrow several people's phones, but nothing got through to Mac's phone. He chuckled to himself that he would razz her about letting her battery die.

He loved his wife. He loved that he was married to her. He loved that it all slipped into place once they were able to admit their feelings. He missed working with her a lot, and would include her in everything he did on the job, but it wasn't the same. It was his idea to open a law office so they could work together again. He would have done it that day if she said she was ready. Harm was over the whole 'naval career' thing. He had a wife, a life and was working toward having a family. His priorities shifted overnight.

The baby thing, the adoption option and all the work that went along with that he did gladly thinking that whatever it took, he would do. He didn't feel the immediate pressure as he thought she did, but it didn't matter. He felt the pressure to make it happen for her (and he was happy to do what he could). She had given up her career – a career that was about to take off – for a family. She didn't give it up for him; she had won the coin toss. She gave it up for a family. Harm didn't think she should be forced to wait, nor should she feel less than because she was unable to conceive. He did feel responsible that they were having such a difficult time adopting. He never would have imagined they would have been rejected. But as one agent put it – military life is hard, to take a child who needs stability and place him with a couple who has the potential to up root him every couple of years would be irresponsible. Harm was beginning to believe that surrogacy was the only way to go; he just needed to convince Mac of that.

Their marriage had been mostly about children – at least about getting a child. That was the only part he didn't like. He accepted it because he knew that they would have a lifetime together – there was time for everything. He had attempted to arrange several chances for them to get away, be away and only focus on each other. Not one of them panned out. The overnight in San Francisco was actually all four days of the Thanksgiving Holiday. It was a surprise for Mac. They didn't need to be in China until Monday. He had booked a room at a bed and breakfast on the coast and they were going to have four uninterrupted days of wedded happiness. He could not believe that something had prevented those plans from coming to fruition - again.

The first thing he needed to do was to find Mac – hell or high water – and get to her somehow. He was pretty close to the last person to get off the plane. He entered the gate area and saw her immediately. She was sitting in the corner by the window looking lost, lonely and very, very sad. It broke his heart.

He came up behind her and whispered in her ear. "Hey marine, come here often?"

Her face completely lit up and she threw her arms around him. "I can't believe you are here," she hugged him hard.

"Been looking all over for you," he joked as if he knew she were there all along.

"Wait," she looked at him. "Did you just get off that plane?"

"Yeah."

She laughed and looked over at the girl behind the counter. The girl was looking at Mac and Harm and smiling. Apparently they did know each other.

"Let's get the hell out of here," she said to him.

"Not going anywhere tonight, are we?"

"Nope," they kissed.

Most of the hotels in the area were booked. They finally found a room at the Candlewood Suites near the airport. Harm was kicking himself. This was not the weekend he had planned.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he said when they saw their room. There was nothing wrong with the room. It was clean and serviceable … it was not a quaint little room with a view of the ocean with a claw foot tub and a fireplace.

"Not your fault," she shrugged.

"No … you don't understand," he took her hand. "I had a whole weekend planned for us at this romantic BnB on the coast north of San Francisco. I had reservations for dinner at five star restaurants for Friday and Saturday … it was supposed to be our second honeymoon."

"You what?" She was floored by the romance of it.

"You have no idea how much time I put into researching – finding the right place … finding the restaurants and booking it was a feat … all without you knowing."

"I thought we had to be there on Friday."

"Monday … actually Tuesday morning," he told her. "I'm sorry."

She smiled and stroked his face. "It's the thought that counts," she kissed him. "I love you."

"Really … only the thought?" He pulled her to him. "Well … then remember that weekend that I had to go to Brussels … well that ruined another planned get away ... and your birthday last year … Valentine's Day … there were at least two others … I have a standing reservation at this place near Bath. I have canceled so many times the owner thinks I am just making you up."

"I am very real," she nuzzled him.

"Thank God for that."

"I never knew," she shook her head.

"You weren't supposed to … kind of ruins the surprise."

"That is very romantic," she said as if that were out of character.

"I love you, Sarah … I think about you 24 hours a day," he pulled her close and kissed her. "You know that don't you?"

"I guess I need to hear it more."

"Done," he grinned. "Now about this hotel …"

"It's for one night … we'll get to your weekend tomorrow," she promised.

He was not happy, but he agreed. In the blink of an eye, Mac was seeing a completely different side to her husband and her marriage.

Harm's cell woke them before 5AM. They had had a late night and weren't really ready to head back to the airport to figure out about the flights.

"Rabb," he croaked into the phone. "Yes … yes, it is … yes, we are … no, the appointment was for Tuesday …" He looked over at Mac who was now wide awake. He took her hand. "That was not the information … you will need to explain that to me again … is there anyone I can speak to … your supervisor … well, I am sorry too … six months? … not more than a year? … That is really unbelievable. … No, I am sure we will be speaking before then … often," he ended the call. "DAMN IT," he threw the phone across the room.

"Harm?" She asked already knowing what the end result was.

"Bureaucrats!!! Doesn't matter what damn country they are in … they are all IDIOTS," he stated. "Our application was pulled, reviewed and rejected … for this time."

"But we were approved," she protested.

"It was an oversight … they will need another six months to a year to complete the application --- AGAIN."

"Then why were we told …" She could feel the disappointment overwhelming her. "We had an appointment … they had a daughter for us … what is going to happen to her if we don't show up?" Mac started to cry. "She is waiting for us Harm … we can't not go."

He pulled her to him and tried to check his anger. "They will place her with someone else," he rubbed her back. "She won't be left alone."

"But she is OUR daughter." Mac wasn't making much sense. They had never met the child, didn't even know her name. That was all supposed to happen in the coming week.

"I know." Harm felt the same way.

They talked for hours and called everyone they could think of to fix the problem. The thing was that this agency had very strict rules and were very immobile once the made up their mind – even if it was to change their mind.

"I'm not sure I can go through this again, Harm." Mac told him when she came out of the shower. "It is too hard on my heart."

"I know," he pulled her into an embrace. "I'm sorry."

"Harm …you have done more than any man should have to do to make this happen for us … you have been rock solid since we began … I don't know how you do it."

"Honey, I am still dead set on this … and I am not ready to give up."

She smiled at him. "You and your obsessions."

He nodded. "I still got it … and you know me … I always get what I want."

"You got me."

"My point exactly."

Her faced washed with sadness again. "I don't know how to say this … but I think we have to turn down the intensity … it's too much … too hard … too many disappointments."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying that maybe we need to ratchet it down a notch and just let it happen," she looked down. "Maybe six months to a year is reasonable … maybe we should learn some patience."

"You are not saying we should give up?" He tilted her face up toward his.

"Not at all … but maybe we don't need a child TODAY … if we turned down the heat on this we can really be sure to make the right choice," she smiled. "Besides … I just found out that my husband has a very romantic side … maybe we can explore that for the next six months to a year."

He laughed. "You got that for life."

"It will happen for us Harm … but I don't want to miss any more of our life waiting for it to begin."

He still felt that he had let her down, but she loved him anyway and was making the best of the situation. "Ok," he said softly. "I love you, Sarah."

"I love you too."

They were waiting to board their plane back to London. They had spent a second night in Chicago making other plans and sealing them with a kiss. They would resign their commissions in a few months, after they passed the Virginia Bar exam, found a house and office space. They were actually happy about the plans and felt good about their future. They further decided that they might look better on paper if they were no longer in the military and that maybe the adoption agencies were right not to place a child with them. Regardless … they had a plan, a good plan. Life was looking up for them.

Mac came back with Harm's requested water and banana. She looked stunned.

"What's the matter?" He asked ripping open the banana and almost inhaling it.

"Checked my email," she said and her eyes began to tear up.

"Honey, what's wrong?" He sat up.

"Apparently," she started. "I'm pregnant."

Harm nearly choked. "Is that one of those chain emails?"

She let a grin spread across her face while shaking her head. "No … We are going to have a baby. I just got off the phone with the doctor."

He repeated her words a little louder than he had wanted to.

The people standing near them started clapping. A chorus of 'congratulations' was heard.

"Hey buddy …" Called some guy on the other side of the room. "Your supposed to kiss her now?"

Harm did exactly that. Life was really looking up for them; they had so much to be grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.


	6. Thanksgiving:Turkey w All The Trimmings

**Title: Thanksgiving With All the Trimmings**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Thanksgiving 2007**

**Spoilers:** Through Mid-Season Three (November 1997)

**Timeline:** Immediately following People vs. Rabb. Mac is back at JAG and Dalton is still her "lurver". Harm is still Jonsing about the information he got from Russia and painfully, painfully single (preAnnie) – boy does Harm wants a date and Mac wants to get the Plaza in NYC - or does she.

**1515 EST**

**Thanksgiving Eve**

**Route 17 5 miles South of Tappahannock, VA**

"Mac … you may not want to do that," he warned playfully. "Mac?"

"I know what I'm doing, Harm," she continued to jack up the left rear end of the Government Issue sedan.

"No doubt … and you sure do look good doing it," her back-end was all he could really see from his position (which was fine by him).

She didn't want to listen to his contrived attempt at platonic flirtation. "Harm!"

"I'm just saying … you might want to consider …"

Just then there was a rumble in the gravel followed by a grinding noise, the weight of the car started to shift. Mac jumped back and Harm leapt to pull her further away. The car pitched off the jack and slid down into a ditch. They watched as if it were happening in slow motion, helpless to stop it.

When everything was still again she turned to him, "You were saying?"

Harm couldn't help but smile. "Nothing … well … that." He nodded and laughed knowing that it could just as easily have happened to him.

"Hunk of junk," she looked back at the car. "Should use it for target practice."

"Apparently our tax dollars are not working for us," he walked toward the car.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Surveying the damage," he examined the front end. "I'd say we have a bigger problem than a flat tire and being stuck in a ditch."

"What now?" she followed him down the embankment.

"Right front …" He looked back at her. "I can't be sure, but I think that the wheel shouldn't be angled like that."

"Like what?" she looked at it from the other side. "Oh … no … I would say that is _**not**_ good," she stood up. "But I'm no mechanic."

They laughed.

"Do you think that happened just now?"

He was still looking at the wheel. "I think we are lucky to be alive … they never should have given us this car."

"Something to be grateful for," she smiled. "Thanksgiving and all."

They were both in surprisingly good moods. They had been investigating a robbery on the Norfolk base and finished earlier than expected. They were headed back by 1045 and decided to take the extra hour and drive back a different way. Harm knew a great crab and BBQ place to stop for lunch in Urbanna on the banks of the Rappahannock River. They were actually having a very nice time together – {lunch was to die for so that put Mac in an especially good mood}. They were talking as friends and colleagues – no agenda, no arguments. It was odd how congenial there were, maybe it was the holiday. Maybe it was something else.

Harm pulled out his cell phone. "Triple-A," he said when they finally answered. "Yes … Hello … I need a tow … no … no I don't … US Navy," he turned away to speak to the person on the other end of the line.

Mac pulled her coat and bag out of the car and moved her briefcase and Harm's stuff to the trunk for easy access.

He hung up. "Should be here soon. He announced. "No longer than an hour or two," he said sarcastically.

"Great," she wrapped her coat around her and pulled on her gloves. It was actually a very beautiful day for late November. "I'm going to miss my flight," she commented matter-of-factly.

"Flight?" he didn't know (chose not to remember) that she was going out of town for the holiday.

"New York? Dalton? The Plaza?" she reminded him. "Macy's Parade … up close and personal?"

"Oh right …" He shrugged. "So you'll get there tomorrow."

"So I'll get there tomorrow," she repeated. "No big deal."

"No Big Deal?" Harm was curious. That was not the reaction he would have expected from her. He would have expected her to be ranting and raving and blaming him for whatever there was to blame him for. "Have we met?" he joked. "Rabb … Lt Commander … US Navy … JAG Corps," he stuck his hand out toward her.

She rolled her eyes and playfully slapped his hand away.

He caught it and held on. "Mac?" he asked ambiguously and yet sincerely.

She could answer anything and it would serve his purpose (unless he wanted to ask a pointed question). She chose to reinforce what she was telling herself. "There's no reason to get upset … it's Thanksgiving with Dalton, not Christmas or my wedding."

"Wedding?" he was shocked that she would use a word like 'wedding' and 'Dalton' in the same sentence. On the other hand, she did give up her military career for him – if only for a couple of weeks. "Expecting more from this weekend than dinner?"

She ignored him. "Dalton will probably be working all day tomorrow anyway," she didn't want to give Harm the satisfaction of knowing that she was actually disappointed. Interestingly enough it was not about missing time with Dalton, it was about not having an all expense paid holiday in the Big Apple. She was looking forward to shopping and eating and generally living the life she just gave up.

Harm felt her disappointment anyway. "You don't have to miss anything," he said. "We are only an hour or so away from Falls Church … you can rent a car … or we can get someone from the office to come down and get you."

"Harm," she warned.

He nodded to the wreck of a car. "I'll stay here and handle this," he looked back at her. "I would just leave it here, but I think the fine for littering is pretty hefty in Virginia."

"First of all, we are over two hours away from Falls Church and no one is going to take four hours over of their day to come get me so I don't miss a flight to New York," she crossed her arms over her chest. "Beside the fact that I put the car in a ditch and I'm not going to take off to let you deal with it," she laughed. "You'd hold that over my head for the rest of my life."

"Probably," he smiled. "But seriously … you had plans … you should … ya know … do them," he was trying to be nice and unaffected by her proposed holiday plans. He didn't like Dalton. He didn't trust him. And he didn't like that fact that Mac would so easily give up her military career for someone like him.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" she asked.

"No," he said emphatically. "Just think you shouldn't stand up what's-his-name." On the other hand, it was hard to deny that Harm had felt like he won and Dalton lost when Mac came back to JAG and more specifically to help him. In some twisted logic he had going on in his head – it didn't matter who she was sleeping with; therefore he could be generous with her.

"Why do you care if I stand him up?" She was clearly intrigued that he appeared interested in her weekend plans. "You don't even like Dalton."

"I never said I didn't like Dalton," he tried to sound convincing.

"Excuse me?" she cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe I did," he owned. "I just think that you deserve a nice weekend," he wanted to add 'with a better man than Lowne', but chose to keep that to himself.

"I do?" she asked – thinking she heard the words he did not say.

He got serious. "I owe you, Sarah," he deflected knowing that he did more than 'owe her'. "You defended me – successfully - when it looked like I was going down for a murder I didn't commit … you believed in me … you trusted my word when no one else would." His eyes never left hers. "You gave up a lot to help me."

"And?" she prodded.

Again he said less than he wanted. "Call it payment for services rendered."

"Services rendered," she repeated softly, sadly – wishing for once he would say something that would commit him or at least reveal something about his true feelings.

He stepped closer to her, was close enough to pull her into an embrace and commit himself wordlessly.

She did not back away.

The opportunity was right there in front of them – close enough to seize with no witnesses but with ramifications that would not be denied. The holiday was about to take a turn.

Just then the tow truck driver come around the bend. The moment was broken.

Harm laughed nervously. "You might make that flight after all, Major."

Mac thought he looked relieved at the interruption.

He was not relieved in anyway; in fact he was sincerely disappointed.

**1425 EST**

**Thanksgiving Eve**

**Youngblood's Garage **

**Tappahannock, VA**

Mac stepped outside the Youngblood's Garage after discussing the status of the vehicle with the tow truck driver and owner, operator, chief mechanic Steven Youngblood.

"So?" Harm said with his characteristic grin. It was killing him to not take control of the mechanical issues (he was the alpha male after all) but he didn't want to start a gender war with Mac and she seemed to have a better way with the handsome Mr. Youngblood than he ever would.

"Called the motor pool," she announced. "They will send someone down on Friday to tow it back to DC."

Harm had a feeling that would be the case. "Did they suggest how we were supposed to get back to Washington?" Knowing full well that they hadn't and really didn't care.

"If I thought to ask," she stated. "They would have said to secure a location and hunker down until Friday."

He laughed. "Secure a location?" he shook his head. "Hunker down? … Marines!" He turned away. He flashed on an image of he and Mac 'hunkering down'. He had to joke it away. "Too bad we didn't pack our M16s and our Thanksgiving Dinner MREs."

She was also distracted by the notion of having to spend two days and more importantly two nights with Harm – unsupervised. She didn't even recognize that he was making fun of her.

"So?" he waited. "Should we call someone to pick us up, rent a car or 'hunker down'?"

"Why is this my decision?" she asked annoyed that she was pulled from her fantasy.

"Well, if it were up to me, I would wander over to the airport," he nodded to the Tappanhannock Municipal Airport sign across the street. "And see if I could fly us home," he looked back at her. "But that is just me … naval aviator and all."

She shook her head at him more than the idea.

Steven Youngblood came out and locked the door behind him. "Sorry for your trouble folks, but I need to lock up early today."

"Thank you for your help, Mr. Youngblood," Harm extended his hand. "Is there a place we could rent a car?" Harm asked.

"There's an Enterprise," he nodded in the general direction. "But they are closed for the holiday … all their cars were gone."

Mac looked at him about to ask how he would know such information.

"Gayle … the woman that runs the counter at Enterprise is my girlfriend," he answered.

"Right," she smiled.

"If you need to wait somewhere," he was thinking that someone would be coming to get them. "There's a great Bed and Breakfast up the street ... Essex House -- They are running pretty tight on rooms, but - Excuse me," he nodded to them and stepped away to talk to someone who had just driven in.

Harm and Mac shared a look and both flashed on a Lifetime Movie Scenario: stuck in a small town, with no way to get home, having to share a single room in a romantic bed and breakfast on a Holiday, being mistaken as a couple with a winter storm moving in threatening to snowbound them for the entire weekend … one thing would lead to another …

Harm didn't want to make eye contact with her. Mac looked up at the sky. Not a cloud in sight. There would be no winter storm to snowbound them. There would be no out-of-their-control reason to stay in Tappahannock. No reason for Mac to miss the entire weekend with Dalton. At worse they would get home very late that night – there was no reason to 'hunker down'.

Harm cleared his throat. "So?" he was trying to think of a way out, but he was not thinking very hard.

Youngblood rejoined them. "Where are you headed?"

"We need to get back to Washington," Mac told him with a crack in her voice. "Falls Church or any where close."

"You're in luck," he smiled broadly. "I have to get up to Dulles to pick up my Aunt Missy who is flying in from California to spend the holiday with us," he looked at both of them. "I have left myself plenty of time and lord knows her plane will be late."

They didn't know what to say.

"Seriously … you would be helping me out," he said. "I don't like making the drive up there by myself and Gayle doesn't want to go … actually she doesn't want to drive back with Missy," he told them. "I could use the company."

They both nodded. "Great. Thank you."

Each looked in opposite directions. They were getting exactly what they wanted – a ride home - with very little trouble. Why were they both disappointed?

**1820 EST**

**Thanksgiving Eve**

**Dulles International Airport**

"Excuse Me?" Mac shouted into the pay phone (her cell had long since died).

She had been waiting for standby for over two hours and was expecting to board in 10 minutes. Her bag for the weekend was at home so she did not have anything that she had planned on bringing – at little treat from the intimate apparel department of Nieman's for Dalton and their four days alone together, and a special dress that she had picked out weeks ago when she was still working for the firm. It was the only extravagance she had allowed herself when she took the new job, and it was EXTRAVAGANT. She never would have been able to afford such a rag on her government salary nor would she be able to afford the event to show it off. Dalton would take care of the latter, but apparently not that weekend.

Her duffel from Norfolk with dirty sweats, her uniform shirt from the day before and he kit bag was on the floor next to her. She had assumed – if she had thought about it at all – that it was more important that she was there, and not what she wore. Apparently Dalton wasn't as convinced.

"Look … Angel." Dalton gruffed into the phone.

"Don't ---," she gritted her teeth to bite back her tongue.

"Sarah!" Dalton barked. "I think you need to take a moment and decide if New York is really where you want to be."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she tossed back at him.

"What happened to the original flight?" he asked. "You were there in plenty of time."

She actual was there in plenty of time. In fact she had time enough to go home and pick up her back, if she had accepted Harm's offer to drive her. But she didn't. She told herself it was because she didn't want to put him out, but there was something else. When she got to the gate she saw and older woman traveling with her husband and grandson. They were a seat short. Mac gave up her seat so they could all fly together. What was an hour or so to her?

"It didn't work out." She added.

"Why didn't you go get your suitcase then?" he pushed. "And what happened on the next flight?"

She told herself she couldn't go because if she left the airport she might have missed the standby call, but she could have. She decided to switch the play from defense to offense. "You think I have been sitting at Dulles on standby because it's FUN for me?"

"I think you are have been sitting at Dulles because that is where you THINK you should be, not where you WANT to be," he took one step further. "You don't know how to tell me that you really do not want to come."

"Take a couple of psyche classes I don't know about?" she spit back at him.

"Why did you take a case in Norfolk a day before you were to fly up here? Why did you take 'the long way home' to have lunch with Rabb?"

"Leave him out of this!" She barked.

"I would love to, but I can't seem to get away from him … and neither can you."

"I beg your pardon!" She barked.

"Are you denying that you have more than a professional relationship with Rabb?"

"My relationship with Harm has nothing to do with …"

He cut her off. "Why did you quit your job to go back to be with him? Why did you aid and abet him when he broke out of the brig? Why did you choose to defend him before you knew any of the facts of the case?"

"Because I know Harm. I know he is not a murderer," she stated. "And we both know why I quit that job… I am not a brief writer … I am a litigator."

"Just answer me one question … why are you with me?"

She paused. "You have to ask?" she deflected.

"Apparently I do," he said. "If you want to be with me, I don't understand why you gave up your seat on the first two flights to total strangers, and I don't under stand why you left your bag at home when you knew how important dinner with my family was?"

"Objection," she stopped him. "You never told me I was meeting your family on Thanksgiving … you said we were going out."

"Immaterial," he barked. "When I told you, you casually say that you have a day old uniform, and that 'that will have to do'."

"This is not about me, Dalton. This is about you," she stated. "Would you rather I didn't come?"

He spoke without thinking. "I would rather know that this is where you want to be."

"I quit your firm," she reminded him. "Not you."

"Doesn't feel that way, Sarah," he said before he understood the impact it might have. "Not since the day you put that uniform back on."

She took a deep breath before she responded. "If my job and my clothes are more important than me … then you're right … I don't want to be there."

"I didn't say that," he stated.

"Yes, Dalton," she told him. "Yes you did."

The phone was hung up before she even realized that that might be the last time she spoke to him for that weekend. She was hurt and livid. Still, she expected that he would call her at home in a couple of hours and they would make up. She would catch the first flight out in the AM or take the train and be there in time for dinner and to make a good impression on his family. She had no way of knowing that he would not call her back.

Dalton had no intention of begging her to come and there was nothing that he felt he needed to apologize for. He knew that the weekend was ruined; that Mac was expecting an apology and that he was not about to give it. That just made him angrier. There was nothing that set him off more than to have to defend his absent girlfriend to his mother and sisters. It wasn't the first time, and clearly wouldn't be the last.

**0745 EST**

**Thanksgiving Day**

**Rabb Residence **

**North of Union Station**

Harm in loose shorts, worn out Tee and brand new running shoes, stretched out his quads and glutes. He was primed and ready for his weekend: first a five to eight mile run, then off to the courts to play a little one-on-one with a buddy from the academy, shower and change for beers and burgers with Skeeter and with any luck, he would be in bed before midnight – but knowing Skeeter he wouldn't make it home much before dawn and he wouldn't be alone. That was something to look forward to as well. It had been a long time for Harm; he could use a little female distraction. On purpose he left Friday clear. Saturday and Sunday were exclusively reserved for 'father search'. He got access to some files at the pentagon (38 declassified boxes to be precise – would probably net nothing, but he had to look. He had also secured a meeting with a former POW who could have also done time with Rabb Sr. Harm knew he was getting close but still knew it was not close enough. He had faith. All he had to do was to keep asking questions, keep digging deeper; sooner or later he would find the answers.

He was just about to leave when the phone rang.

"Rabb … Mac? Where are you? … Not New York? … No? … Wanna talk about it? … Well you called me … Your what? … Water Heater? … A plumber is gonna cost you double today … Ha … Only one? I have two good hands at your disposal and it won't cost you a thing … I guess I am in a good mood … just headed out for a run … nah, it can wait … be there in 15."

He hung up and checked his watch. He would miss his run, but would make it to the court. He wondered if he should call to cancel, maybe cancel Skeeter too. If Mac didn't go to New York she was probably pretty disappointed and might need some cheering up. He would make that decision when she saw her in the flesh.

**0900 EST**

**Thanksgiving Day**

**MacKenzie Residence**

**Georgetown**

Harm was on his way out the door. "You are more than welcome, glad I could help."

"Hard to take a hot bath with no hot water," she laughed.

"So what are you going to do for the weekend now that you are not going out of town?" she had seemed in a good mood considering all that had gone wrong so he saw no reason to stay.

"Not sure yet," she told him. "But I have a few ideas."

"Like I said, you are welcome to join me and Skeeter."

She smiled. "As much fun as that sounds … and I can imagine that it will be fun … I think not."

"OK … if you change your mind …" He let it hang out there and pointed did not ask about the rest of the weekend again.

"I'll call," she told him. "Thanks again for your help."

"Enjoy the bath," he told her and started down the hall. He turned just before he was to get on the elevator. "Need someone to scrub your back?"

She waved him away and retreated into her apartment, but she had to admit that the idea did have a certain appeal to it – more than she really wanted to admit.

**1230 EST**

**Thanksgiving Day**

**George Washington University Medical Center**

Mac walked into the emergency waiting room looking concerned by not really worried. When the call came in, she had been home contemplating cooking dinner or going to a movie and letting the weekend play out. There as nothing wrong with just hanging out for the weekend – not having a plans for four days off doesn't make a single woman in her 30's a loser. The other option she had been seriously considering was to actually drive away for the weekend just so she wouldn't be at home expecting the phone to ring. At the moment, all plans were put on hold.

"Mac!" Harm called to get her attention. "Over here."

She turned quickly and saw that he was fine. He was sitting up with a bandage over his eye and some scraps on his leg and arms. She smiled and made her way over to him. "Now tell me again what happened," she sat down next to him. "Rough game?"

"I hit a car," he was amused.

"With your head?" she inspected his forehead. "Is the car totaled?"

"Funny," he pulled away and his eyes got glassy for a second. "I'm fine."

"Seriously … what happened?" she asked again.

"I was running out of the gym headed for my car, I clearly wasn't paying attention. I hit the curb wrong and I fell back into the street just as a car was coming to a stop. My head hit the bumper and I got a little road rash," he shrugged again. "No big deal."

"But they took you to the hospital," she pushed.

"The lady that was driving was hysterical … thought she had killed me … I was on the ground for a minute," he touched the back of his head where it had impacted with the bumper. "She had called the paramedics before I had a chance to tell her that I was fine."

"You blacked out?" she asked. "You could have a concussion."

"No concussion … I never lost consciousness," he assured her. "I'm fine … headache … and more than a little embarrassed, but they won't release me to myself or a taxi … can you give me a lift back to my car."

"Where is the driver?" she ignored his request to leave.

"Eating turkey … I suppose," he shrugged. "It wasn't her fault."

"And the guy you were playing basketball with?" she pushed.

"Sent him home … new wife … first thanksgiving with the in-laws," he told her.

Mac chuckled. "I'm sure he would have rather stayed with you."

"Probably," he looked down at her. "So, can we go?"

"Is it alright if you are alone?" she asked thinking that he didn't need to say 'yes'. "Concussion?"

"Mac … thank you," he knew that she would stay with him if it were required. "I'm really fine – just a ride back to the gym."

"Ok … let's go," she was a little disappointed, but was glad that he had called her.

**1645 EST**

**Thanksgiving Day**

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church VA**

Harm had been working at his desk for more than an hour. Skeeter had - of course - canceled. It wouldn't have been the first time that Harm was bumped for a woman, nor the first time that Skeeter had announced that "this one was different," Harm didn't mind so much. His head still had a dull ache and he wasn't in the mood for company. It would have been a short night anyway.

He heard the elevator ding and assumed that it was the guards checking the floor again. He didn't bother to look up.

"Done with dinner already?" Mac asked.

Harm leaned back in his chair. On occasion it took him by surprise how beautiful Mac really was even in jeans and a sweater.

"Harm?" she stepped into his office.

"Canceled." He cleared his throat. "He had a date with the love of his life."

"Hate that," she smiled. It was actually very nice to see him. She had thought about calling him all day and taking him up on his invitation to dinner.

"Yeah," Harm was still stunned.

"How's the head?" she sat down. It occurred to her that she should feign some excuse and head over to her office, but she didn't want to.

"Dull ache."

"Have you eaten?" The words slipped out before she even knew it. She tried to back peddle. "I mean … you could have low blood sugar or something."

He smiled. "I ate something," he held up the empty package of peanut butter crackers that he had pulled from the vending machine. "Have you?"

"What?" she asked. "Eaten? No."

"Should we go grab a pizza or something?" he asked. "Or did you actually want to get some work done?"

Her face lit up. "Sure … I think we can do better than pizza … sushi or Chinese?"

He stood up and slipped into his coat. "I could do Chinese."

"Think Hop Li's is open?" she moved to the door.

"One way to find out."

**2225 EST**

**Thanksgiving Day**

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church VA**

Harm walked Mac to her car. "Thanks again," he told her.

"For what?" she leaned against her car no intention of getting in or driving away.

"Lots of things." His eyes sparkled in the moonlight. "Dinner … for one."

"More than welcome," she said.

"Funny that we both got the same fortunes," he added.

She nodded but her smile faded a little.

Your Heart's Desire is the Road Not Taken, Take It

Mac was very confused if that was an omen about any number of things, or if it was just stupid fortune and the fact that Harm got the same one just proved how unimaginative the Fortune Cookie Company was.

"Not quite the holiday you planned huh?" he asked seriously.

She shook her head. "Not really."

"Gonna give Dalton a call tomorrow?"

She thought for a long moment. "I don't think so."

"No?"

"No," she was about to tell him that Dalton accused her for having feelings for Harm. "No, I think that Dalton and I are looking for something very different from this relationship," she looked away. "Probably best if we ended it now."

Harm shifted his weight and was worried about asking the next question. "What are you looking for?" he asked tentatively. "In a relationship."

She looked up at him trying to read his expression, to see if he really wanted to know or if this were going to be something else he would hold over her head. She took a chance that he was serious. "The same thing most women are looking for: companionship, father to my children …" She lost her train of thought. "You know … sickness, health, honor and respect … all that stuff," she tried to laugh it off.

He leaned in. "Not love?"

"Of course love," she flushed. "What about you?" she turned the questioning back on him. "What are you looking for in a relationship?"

"ME?" he blanched. "Not sure I am looking for a relationship at all," he couched it. "At least not right now."

"Come on, Harm," she prodded. "You must have thought about it."

He shrugged.

"What about that woman in San Diego … you know the wife of you friend … what's her name?"

He didn't respond.

"Annie," Mac recalled. "You two looked pretty tight."

"Her husband just died … my friend," he told her. "I was supporting her."

"It looked like it was more than that," Mac remembered how 'caught' he looked when she found them.

"Maybe," he looked far away. "Maybe someday … but I am not ready for a ready-made family."

"You don't want kids?" she asked.

"I do," he laughed. "Do you?" he asked.

"Sure," she was embarrassed. "Sure I do."

Harm caught her eye. He was looking very intently at her. She couldn't read it.

Harm had to cut the tension. They had been dancing around a very dangerous subject. "Maybe when we grow up, huh?" he laughed nervously.

"Yeah," she pushed off her car and fiddled with her keys. His non-answers were beginning to annoy her. "I should be going."

"Yeah," he agreed but made no move to go. "It's getting late."

"It is," her voice caught in her throat.

He stood up tall. "Tell me what you're grateful for today, Mac."

"Huh?"

"It's Thanksgiving and we should be giving thanks," he told her. "What're you grateful for?"

"Well," she thought for a moment. "Good health, good career … and good friends," she averted her eyes.

"Agreed," he smiled. "On all counts," he put his hand out to her. "I'm not sure I have ever had a better friend," he took her hand warmly in his.

She looked up at him. It was an awkward moment where they should have hugged. It should have been easy for two "good friends" to embrace platonically. He pulled her slightly toward him. He opened his arm to pull her in. They should each have gone left, but Mac went right. Their heads were about to bump. They tried to recover. It was too late. The only way out of it was to exchange a chaste kiss. Their lips brushed and they quickly folded into an embrace. Mac held on a little bit longer embarrassed about the kiss but intrigued by what she was feeling.

Harm shifted his position so it was a full body embrace. She felt good in his arms; they fit together perfectly. That was all he could think. That she felt good and he never wanted to let go – and he wanted more. He wasn't thinking about what would come after, all he was thinking was that he needed to do it. He kissed her – and it was anything but chaste. Mac responded.

**0245 EST**

**The Day After Thanksgiving**

**Rabb Residence**

**North of Union Station**

Mac had a blanket around her and was staring out the window. She still couldn't believe had what happened. One minute she was having dinner with a colleague and friend, the next thing she knew they were kissing. He suggested that they go to his place and she could not think of one reason not to go – she didn't try too hard. The next thing she knew it was 2:30 in the morning, her partner was spooned up behind her and what they had just shared was not only not-platonic, but it was going to change everything.

Mac had several scenarios spinning around in her head. The easiest would be that they would agree it was a one-night stand and go back to work as if nothing had happened. She couldn't believe that was realistic. The next – a little more complicated but not unreasonable – they would have a torrid affair for a month or more and it would end with any luck: amicably. Sort of unrealistic, but if they could keep their wits about them, they could keep their jobs. The final scenario was that they actually did start a relationship: not just as partners, colleagues, friends and lovers … but actually a relationship that would lead somewhere. It would only be a matter of time before one of them was transferred. The thing that scared her the most was the odds that the relationship actually had a chance in hell of succeeding. More realistically they would try, fail, attempt a reconciliation or two and eventually it would end badly. The fallout was incalculable from where she stood – but fallout there would be, and a lot of it. Of course there was one option that she hadn't considered; that they could actually make a life together with all its ups and downs and in fifty years this night would be a story they would tell their grandchildren.

Harm came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He kissed her neck. "Cold," he shivered. "Someone took the blanket," he kissed her again.

"Sorry," she said with no remorse. "I never sleep through the night."

"So it's not just me?" His bruised ego was showing.

"Not just you," she confirmed.

He felt her getting stiff in his arms and released her. "I wouldn't have expected regret so quickly … figured it could at least wait until morning."

She turned to him. "You think this is a joke?" she asked accusingly.

"Not at all," he assured her. "And I don't remember laughing."

"Harm!" She started to scold him. "What do you see happening?" she demanded.

He stepped back. "At the moment, I see going back to bed," he turned to head back up.

"You can't be serious," she called after him.

"I will not be forced into this discussion at 2:30 in the morning," he stated.

"Fine!" She was anything but 'fine.'

"You think I am working from the master plan?" he snapped back at her. "You think I knew that this was going to happen and what it means?" he shook his head. "Let me be the first to break it to you Mac … I don't have all the answers."

"I'm sorry," she sat down on the edge of the couch. "I just hoped someone did."

"There is a lot of stuff, Sarah," he leaned against a stool in the kitchen. "Dalton, work … and the rest of it."

She looked up at him. "Rest of what?"

"I'm not ready for a picket fence with 2.5 and a dog," he said caustically.

"Neither am I," she assured him.

"I am not saying not ever, just not now."

"Agreed."

"Good … we agree on something," he crossed his arms over his chest hoping to warm himself up.

She shook her head and looked away. She looked miserable.

"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked.

She looked over at him. "Do you want me to go?"

"NO!" He said almost too quickly, too emphatically. "No, not at all."

"So this … whatever it is … is – at the very least – more than a one-time thing," she pushed.

He smiled. "Well, I was never very good at math, but I think we are already passed that."

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"I do," he said. "But honestly Sarah … I can't give you answers to questions that I haven't asked myself yet."

It was not enough for her.

"Come back to bed with me, give us some time to think about it … give us some time to talk about it," he walked over and put his hand out to her.

She took it reluctantly and he pulled her into his arms.

"There is one thing I can tell you," he whispered in her eye.

"What's that?" she asked.

"I have one more thing to be grateful for this year."

She pulled back ready to blast him, but he covered her mouth with his own. She was physically silenced, but was reminded that she was pretty grateful too.

They went back to bed and the subject of what it all meant didn't come up again until Sunday late afternoon. What they came up with surprised everyone.


	7. Seasonal Kisses: S10 4 Percent Solution

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 10 **

**Spoilers: 2004 – Four Percent Solution**

**Timeline: Post Endometriosis Discovery/Dismissal of Webb; Pre Series Finale**

**A Kiss from Harm ~~~~~**

Mac was packing up for the night when Harm stepped in. "Headed home?"

She was still tentative when it came to talking with him and rarely looked him in the eye. The 'whipped puppy' expression frustrated her. It was not Harm. Harm was not a defeated, beaten man – at least he never had been. The past two years had done that to him. SHE had done that to him; rather he had allowed her to do that to him. That was how Mac saw it. She felt responsible and couldn't bear to take on that guilt too. So she just didn't look at him. "I am."

"Is your car still in the shop?" he asked more out of polite conversation than trying to gain information.

"Yeah." She pulled a file from the drawer and put it in her briefcase.

"Can I give you a lift home?" he asked. "Maybe we could get some dinner first." He made a point not to mention that fact that it was Christmas Eve.

She looked toward him but not at him. She couldn't bear it any more. "No," she said hoping that her directness would be enough to put him off. "Not tonight, thank you," she softened it.

That was all he could take … the proverbial straw the broke the camel's back. "How long is this going to go on Mac?" He was annoyed and it was a real question.

She had to look at him. "To what are you referring?" She feigned annoyance.

"You are still pushing me away … do you want me to just go away … do you want me out of your life … do you want me to 'take the hint' and leave you alone?"

"Harm!" She didn't want to deal with his issues; she was still too wrapped up in her own.

"Look Mac, you asked me if I would always be there … and I said yes."

"And?"

"AND?" he shouted back running his free hand through is hair. "And?"

"Yes, AND what … whatever it is you think ---."

"I am not allowed to THINK, Sarah!" he shut her off.

"Harm, I don't want to get into this tonight."

"Is that all I am to you?? … A back-up plan?? … The emergency kit you keep in the trunk of your car in case of accident?"

"Harm I really don't feel like talking about this now." She snapped her brief case closed and glared at him. In the past – particularly the past four to five months that had worked at keeping he from pressing any agenda he had with her.

"I don't care what you FEEL like doing." Clearly it would no longer work.

"Excuse me?"

"I have waited for you since Brumby left," he started in on his tirade.

"Waited?" she snapped at him. "You call Catherine Gayle, Alicia Montes and all the others waiting?"

"Don't go there Mac … it makes you look simple and foolish … you are neither of those things."

"So you are denying ---."

"You're the only woman I am interested in – and you know that … but I'm not dead and I can be friends with a woman … that doesn't mean that I have done anything wrong … and it certainly does not mean that I'm not still waiting for you … waiting for you to at the very least TALK to me."

"I tried to talk to you," she shot back at him. "And you were busy."

"Once, Mac … once you came by … unannounced … clearly jumping to a conclusion … and in typical MacKenzie fashion got it into your head that I am just like all the other men in you life and wrote me off AGAIN."

"Was I wrong?"

"Do I need to count the ways??" He wasn't smiling, he was mad.

"I don't need this … not tonight." She walked past him.

"It's do or die, Sarah," he said to her retreating back.

Her heart froze. She turned and studied him closely. "What did you just say?"

"I said that it's do or die … right here … right now … you either decided that you want a relationship with me … or you don't … and if it is no … then I am gone."

"Gone?" She couldn't believe how serious he was. He had been so gentle and forgiving toward her for months. It was like the old Harm … only not. He wasn't talking around subjects. He wasn't inferring or implying … he was stating very clearly what he wanted. "Harm … I can't …"

"I am sick to death of hearing what it is you THINK you CANNOT do," he yelled not caring who else was around to hear. "You can do anything you set your mind to."

She looked down and shook her head. To argue that point was … well, pointless.

"Mac … I have my Request for Transfer papers all drawn up … you say 'no' and I am submitting them … tonight … don't care where they send me … but I am not going to stay here to be ignored, pushed away or used."

"Don't be so dramatic."

"I am dead serious."

It was occurring to her that he really was serious. "Why now?" she asked desperately. She was still not ready, she didn't want to lose him, but she still couldn't commit. "Why tonight?"

"Because it's time."

"And you get to decide that," she stated rhetorically.

"For me … yes, I get to decide." He stepped closer to her. "Here it is Mac … I love you … I want to be with you … I want to be the father to your children however that happens … and I want to grow old with you … only with you." Her eyes welled up with tears. "I am choosing to believe you feel the same way but can't let go … I am choosing to believe that you are confused and angry about your condition and the number of other horrible things that have happened to you over the past year or more." He took her hand. "I am choosing to believe that you are just afraid to let your heart trust even with someone you know will not let you down … in spite of and because of our history." He tilted her face up toward his. "But enough is enough, Sarah. You have to learn to live again … you have to trust … you are just wasting time if you don't … yours and mine."

"Harm, I'm not rea-…"

He kissed her. He just leaned down and kissed her to stop her from talking; to stop her from thinking. She had been doing way too much thinking. He set the pace nicely: softly letting her come to terms with the fact that he had silenced her, deeper allowing her to feel his closeness and deeper still to feel his desire shrouded in profound feelings. It was exactly what she needed. A thought came to her and she pulled away. She searched his eyes quickly before she spoke. "I'm scared, Harm … scared of losing you … if I lost you I honestly don't know what I would do," she turned away and buried her face in his shoulder.

"Sarah … don't be afraid."

"You don't understand … if I let you in … you will leave."

He would have laughed if he thought she was kidding. "Not a chance."

"But…"

"No buts, ifs or ands … we are better together … stronger."

She pulled back and wiped her eyes. "We are?" She had never believed that. She was always alone and had convinced herself that regardless of the man who was in her life, she would still ultimately be alone.

"We can beat the odds … somehow … we can find a way … but we have to be together to do it," he reiterated. She shook her head. It all seemed way too simple. He kissed her again. "Believe me, Sarah," he assured her. "Trust me."

She let a weak tearstained smile edge across her face. She was still not prepared to commit. "How do we begin?"

"How about that ride home?" he asked. "The roads are turning to ice," he brushed the hair away from her eyes and wiped away the last of her tears. "Wouldn't do for either one of us to have an accident."

"No, it wouldn't," she agreed. She paused for a moment and then pulled up all the courage she had to say, "I love you, Harm. I really do."

"I know," he grinned. "Merry Christmas, Sarah."

She had no words but tucked herself into his ready embrace grateful for his love, forgiveness and acceptance. The future was yet to be tested.

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac ~~~~**

Mac woke with a start. She had fallen asleep in her office. A quick check of her internal clock said that it was nearly 1930 hours. Harm should have been back to the office. She wasn't really waiting for him; she just didn't want to go home. Christmas that year held no joy for her. She hadn't even put up her Christmas tree – the first time since being on her own. She had been flashing back on her one session with Lt. McCool a lot and couldn't get away from the biggest thing that McCool had said.

"_Then regardless of your choices isn't Harm the one you were always intended to be with?"_

Mac still didn't understand – or couldn't accept – the reason why she still wasn't with Harm. Recently she was forced to realize, acknowledge and appreciate the part she played in the failure. In true Mac form, she convinced herself that it was all her fault – at least the recent reasons. She double checked the clock on the way. It was getting very late. Maybe he had decided not to come back to the office at all. She packed up her briefcase and shut down her office for the holiday. To her surprise and delight, she found Harm in his office. He was going over notes and writing up his interview. "How did it go?" she asked easily.

He looked up with a start. "Thought you went home." He nodded to her office with the lights off. "I didn't see your car."

"It's in the shop," she told him. "I have some death trap of a government car."

"The roads are getting pretty icy out there," he told her. "I nearly slid out three times."

"I'll be careful," she assured him. "Have you been to the wall yet?" She asked and was immediately sorry. It felt like a very intimate question.

"Not yet." He motioned to the file he was working on. "Want to get this taken care of while it's still fresh in my mind."

"I should let you get back to it then." She stepped back and then stepped in again. "I'm sorry, Harm."

He looked up at her. "What for?" He truly had no idea how the conversation was about to turn.

"I have been pushing you away … you have been so kind and patient … and I have been so distant and cold … I'm sorry."

He leaned back in his chair and motioned for her to sit down. "Accepted," he said easily.

She gave him a crooked smile. "That's it?" she asked. "Not going to make me explain or come up with some excuse?"

"No," he stated. "I just want to know if it's stopped."

"Stopped?"

"The pushing, the distance," he used her words and added some of his own, "The cold shouldering."

"I want it to … would it make any difference now or is it too late?" She knew the answer, but needed to him to say it again.

"Not too late," he said simply slightly annoyed that he had to. "We are both still alive."

"Yes we are." She didn't know what else to say, it was not the resounding reassurance she was expecting. Maybe it was too late, and he just didn't want to admit it. "Well, I will let you get back to it then."

He nodded. "Merry Christmas," he said hoping it would get her to stay.

"Yeah …" She looked down. "Christmas." She had always tried to enjoy Christmas even though she would have been hard pressed to think of one from her youth or her adulthood that she would have wanted to relive.

"Yep."

"Not really in the holiday spirit this year," she added.

"It was a hard year," he comforted.

"Still," she said. "There were a couple of things about this year that were noteworthy."

"Oh?"

She came around to his side of the desk and leaned down and kissed him. It was not a lovers' kiss by any means, but it was friendlier than they typically shared around the holidays. Harm was surprised and delighted. "Merry Christmas," she said quickly and turned to leave. He watched her go not knowing what he should say to her. "I do love you Harm," she said before turning back to look at him. "I just can't get away from the feeling that I have nothing to offer you."

He got up and moved toward her. "Say the first part again," he asked her softly.

"I love you." There were tears in her voice.

"Then you have already given me the greatest gift I could ever hope for," he was inches from her.

She stroked his face and let her finger tips brush over his lips. "Would you do me the honor of spending the holidays with me?" She asked boldly with very little hope of it being accepted. "I don't cook … as you know … there is no tree or presents … but I can microwave a mean bag of popcorn and I have 'It's A Wonderful Life' on VHS, DVD and recorded on my DVR."

He laughed as if any of that would be an incentive to spend the holiday with her --- as if he needed any incentive at all to spend the holiday with her. "It would be my honor."

The joy in his eyes could not be contained. It worried her that he was hoping for too much. "I have no expectations for a Merry Christmas … and ringing in the New Year has never been a good experience for me." She returned his smile. "But I would like to create some new traditions," she offered. "With you."

"I'd like that too," he told her. "As long as it doesn't have to end on New Year's Day."

"I am sure there are a number of other holidays that could use new traditions," she said. "Where shall we begin?"

"You tell me," he suggested. "Dinner … maybe that movie?"

She didn't really want to ignore, or table what was going on between them and she was far from feeling that life was WONDERFUL. "How about some sushi, a fire and some open, honest dialogue?"

"Think we are ready for such a bold move?" he asked.

She thought for a moment. "Yes, Yes I do."

He grinned. "Merry Christmas Sarah."

She pulled him down for the first honest kiss of her life. "Happy New Year, Harm."

_**Imagine how different the last half year would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe we could have gotten the series finale we deserved … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	8. Seasonal Kisses: S9 A Merry Little Xmas

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 9**

**Spoilers: 2003 - A Merry Little Christmas**

**Time Line: Post Paraguay / Mac helps Harm get custody of Mattie & Pre Sadik's death and The Endometriosis Discovery**

**A Kiss From Harm**

Harm stood at the Viet Nam War memorial with Mattie in his arms.

"You can hug me, Harm." Mattie smiled up at him. "I won't break."

He was still confused – understandably. What was Mac's involvement? Why did she care? She had barely spoken to him in months. When he asked for her help, she berated him for cutting her out of his life – a life that she wanted no part of - and then announced in open court that he was the kind of man he wanted to have children with – not **THE** man, mind you, only **THE KIND** of man. All that really registered with him was that she clearly still had mixed feelings for him. Why she went so far as to talk to Mattie's father was beyond him. Maybe her feelings weren't mixed, maybe it meant that she felt sorry for him – now that she had a man in her life that she loved, she could be generous to the man she rejected. Or it could mean that she had real feelings for Harm that she was still denying.

"Merry Christmas, Harm," she said and turned to walk away.

His heart froze. He hadn't even thought about what his feelings for her were but he knew he just couldn't let her walk away. "Where are you going?"

"I have a date." She was embarrassed to say. "With Webb."

Harm didn't move. He didn't want to believe what she was saying. The hurt and disappointment poured out of his eyes thinly veiled by his cover.

Mac walked away.

Harm looked down a Mattie. "Can you give me a moment?" he asked.

"Sure," she said stepping back.

Harm trotted after Mac and caught up with her by the car.

"Don't go Sarah," he called to her.

"Harm … Please." She didn't want to discuss Webb with him – not again. She couldn't defend it and she really didn't want to try.

"Please what?" he asked annoyed. "Let you push me away again … let you pretend like you don't have feelings for me … that you don't care?"

It wasn't Webb that he wanted to discuss. She was taken completely off guard and said the first thing that came to mind, "I never said that."

"What was all this … in court … tonight with Johnson … do you feel guilty and helped me get Mattie as a consolation prize?"

"That is out of line," she threw back at him.

"What is it going to take Sarah?" he asked in angry desperation. "What do you want from me?" She was about to say that she didn't want anything from him up to and including his friendship. That he was a mean and spiteful man who was ruled by his ego and his narcissism, but the words wouldn't form in her mouth (she didn't believe them anyway). Hours before she was defending him to a judge saying that he was the man that she would want to have father her children. "Tell me Mac … What is it going to take? What do you want?"

"Honesty," she croaked.

"What?" he really didn't hear her.

"I want you to be honest … with me … with yourself … no more games, no more 'actions speak louder than words' … no more inferring, implying and letting me decipher what your message means," she looked down. She threw the gauntlet down and Ham was about to pick it up. She was not sure if she was ready for that.

"You want honesty?" he threw back at her. Harm had his own issues with the mixed messages that she was sending him.

"Yes," she straightened up and stated clearly figuring that would send them back to their corners.

In one quick stride he had taken hold of her and pulled her into a scorching kiss. She started to push herself away, but was completely overwhelmed. Her body reacted in ways she never knew it would; his desire was so consuming, so real, so … tangible. She felt herself go weak in the knees and defenseless in his arms. Harm had gained his objective – well the first objective. "I love you Sarah," he whispered breathlessly into her ear. "You want honesty? … I want you …I want us … I want to fight for the top with you from now until the day I die." He kissed her again. "There will always be an 'us' and nothing you say or do will convince me otherwise." She was speechless. "Now you get to decide what that 'us' will look like," he told her. "Plan and simple … it's up to you!"

It took her a moment to get her bearings. "I need to call Webb," she said distractedly.

"To tell him you are going to be late?" he was still unsure if he had convinced her, but was prepared to try again.

"To tell him that I'm not coming," she looked up into Harm's eyes. "I love you too," she said honestly.

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close as he led her back to where Mattie was standing. There was a celebration that needed to commence – a double celebration: a new family was born.

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

It was well past midnight. Harm was up. Mattie had the bedroom and had only fallen asleep about an hour before. They had talked all night and made plans. Harm was thrilled to have Mattie in his life, but there was a hole in his heart that still ached. The slight knock on the door was almost inaudible. He nearly didn't go to answer it. Mac stood on the other side looking sheepish and scared. "Took a chance that you might still be up," she shuffled her feet.

He stepped back to let her enter. "Coffee?"

"Sure," she said. "If it's no trouble."

"Already made," he motioned for her to take a seat.

He came back with the coffee. "So what brings you by?" he sat down next to her on the couch, so they could keep their voices down – at least that was what he told himself. The reality was that she smelled great and she looked irresistible in that tight red sweater and jeans.

"Just wanted to make sure that you and Mattie had everything you need," she looked up into Harm's bedroom. "This is a pretty small place for two people," she stated.

"We are going to work something out … not sure what yet … guess we'll have to move." They sat silently for a moment. It became uncomfortable for Mac, but Harm was just waiting for her to say what she had to say and enjoying her closeness.

"I didn't sleep with Webb," she said quickly. "Not in Paraguay before …" She was going to say before they were captured and tortured but chose to leave that unsaid. " … or since."

"Ok." Harm was very glad to hear that, however she still chose Webb over him … so that was little consolation.

"I am not sure what I expected to happen with him," she continued. "But I broke it off tonight."

"Are you Ok?" he asked out of historical friendship rather than a concern for the loss of her latest relationship.

"Yes … I'm fine," she looked up at him. "I always keep coming back to you … everything keeps leading me back to you," she said in desperation.

"Why do you think that is?" he didn't even want to venture a guess as to what she thought.

"Because I can't get you out of my head."

"Do you want to?" he asked.

"In so many ways … yes."

Harm was annoyed that she would come to his house, early Christmas morning and tell him in words that she didn't want him. "I see."

"No … I don't think you do," she corrected. "In all the important ways I don't … in all the ways that matter in life … that really matter … I want you … I need you … I can't imagine my life without you."

"Ok," he was still unclear.

"How could you make a commitment to Mattie and not to me?" she finally asked.

"She allowed me to," he stated like it was obvious. "You … wouldn't."

"You never said anything," she whined.

"You never gave me a chance," he reminded her.

"You've had plenty of opportunity," she feared the answer to the next question, but she had to ask. "Do you still feel that way?"

"What do you think?" he tossed back at her.

"I think I am sick and tired of you answering a direct question with an evasive question … and always turning this back on me."

"Back at you Sarah," he said.

"Can we stop?" she asked in desperation.

"You go first … and I will."

She shook her head and smiled. Maybe she owed it to him for running out on him after Brumby left and for declaring at the Jag-a-thon that they 'couldn't make it work' and again in Paraguay that there would 'never be an us' for them. "I love you, Harm," she said simply.

"I love you," he responded in kind.

"I think we could make a life together," she continued.

"I do too."

"Do you need me to apologize?" she asked. "There is so much to apologize for."

"No," he said easily. "Do you?"

"Need to apologize or hear one from you?"

"ME?" he was shocked. "What am I apologizing for?"

"Harm, please ---."

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Mattie called from the other room. "Would you two just kiss and stop talking." Harm and Mac hadn't realized that they were being overheard and were immediately nervous and self-conscious – the ego was deflated like a balloon popping. "Do all lawyers talk as much as you two do?" she called again.

Mac looked back at Harm. He was clearly still not going to make the first move. She had to. She touched his lips with her fingers and leaned in close. "I love you," she whispered again. She brushed his lips with hers. "I'm sorry," she thought for sure that would be enough to get him to take the lead. Still he resisted, but she chose to believe it was more about Mattie than about her. She had to know for sure. She kissed him – soft at first, tenderly and gently. She felt him releasing some of his tension. It was enough to get her to push it further. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him completely to her. She pushed him back on the couch and was settling herself on top of him without breaking the kiss. Harm was right there with her forgetting his ego blow and forgetting about Mattie.

"Now that is what I call **Non-Verbal** communication," Mattie stated from the doorway to the bedroom.

Both Harm and Mac sat up quickly. "Good night Mattie," he said over his shoulder at little too embarrassed to look at her.

"Good night," she laughed and retreated back to her bed.

"Thank you for making this the best Christmas I have ever had, Sarah," he pulled her back toward him.

"I am glad I could be a part of it," she squeaked out.

"Will you be?" he asked her. "Will you be a part of more than just this Christmas?"

"How much more?" she wasn't toying with him. She really wanted to know.

"You know me," he grinned. "I want it all … and I will do whatever it takes."

"Really?" she smiled. "Whatever?"

"Name it … it is yours."

"New living quarters … two bedrooms," she whispered. "… with a doors … and locks."

"Is tomorrow too soon?" he nuzzled her neck.

"I hope I can wait that long," she kissed him. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

_**Imagine how different the last year and a half would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been one more year … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	9. Seasonal Kisses: S8 All Ye Faithful

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 8**

**Spoilers: 2002 – All Ye Faithful – Harm gives his wings to Clarence**

**Timeline: Post Bud losing his leg/recovery; Pre-Singer's Death, Paraguay (aka the last show before the deconstruction of Harm)**

**A Kiss From Harm**

Mac's heart swelled when she realized it was Harm coming through the door. Her friends forgotten, she was only focused on him. 'He made it,' she sighed to herself for the first time realizing how worried she really was that he might not. She noticed immediately that his wings were missing. She motioned to him to let him know that she noticed, and he started to tell her but suggested that he would tell her later.

"So," she came up to him with coffee and dessert. "Your wings?" she asked sheepishly – the veiled attempt to act casually didn't work well. She was seconds away from breaking down in tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked noticing her change in mood. He reached out to touch her arm – to touch anything of hers to help connect them.

"Nothing." She looked away. "I guess I am just a little moody … must be the holiday."

"That's not it," he said gently and led her over to a place where they could talk more privately. "What's going on Mac?"

She spoke quickly. "I was worried about you."

"Me?" he grinned. "You know nothing can ever happen to me."

"Yeah …you're superman," she said sarcastically.

"Mac?" he pressed.

"I just had … I don't know what you call it … "

"A premonition," he offered.

"A feeling," she corrected. "A feeling of dread … like something bad is about to happen."

"Haven't we been through enough?" he nodded toward Bud and Harriet.

Mac wiped at her eyes. "I am worried that something else will happen …" She looked up at him.

"To me?" he asked.

"You … and me … I guess … to us."

He leaned back. He didn't want to take her 'dread' lightly since clearly she was bothered by it, but he also didn't believe that anything bad would happen. They were closer than they ever had been. Harm had been thinking that it was time to try to move the relationship forward again. "Mac, the only bad thing that could ever happen to me is if I lose you … and I don't see me allowing that to happen."

"Lose me?" That wasn't her fear. Her sense of dread was more tangible like things were about to change in ways so profound that they would never be able to recover. She assumed it was death – or worse – but he reminded her that there were other 'bad' things that could happen besides death. "We are friends, Harm," she stated like that would resolve the issue of losing each other.

"Are we?" He took her hand not caring who was watching. "I think we are more than friends, and I would like us to be a lot more than we are." Mac was about to reply when a burst of laughter came from a group of people by the fireplace. A look of panic crossed her face, as if they were being overheard. She pulled her hand away. Harm stood quickly, and directed her outside to the porch. "A little privacy," he smiled sweetly. She returned it reluctantly. "Mac this year has been rough … for the people in our lives … it has been really rough, but you and I …"

"What?" She needed to him to be clear; she didn't want to misinterpret him - again.

"Can we take this back to my place … or yours?"

"You place?" she was slightly confused what he was asking.

"To talk … and ..."

"And?" she asked.

"And make some choices … some different choice …some plans." She didn't understand. He looked inside to see if they were being missed. "I really didn't expect to say this here or tonight … but no time like the present … my feelings for you have only grown since we agreed to go back to being friends … I promised you once that you would always have someone who loves you … and I will always love you as a friend … but I have a lot more to give than that … and my feelings are more than friendship."

"Harm … I'm not so sure …"

"It's a big step … it will affect our jobs … our careers … but what would a career mean if I lost you?"

"Would you stop," her eyes did fill with tears. "You are not going to lose me."

"You don't know that Mac … you don't know what's around the next bend … you said yourself that you have a feeling of dread … like something bad is about to happen … what if something did happen … what if it weren't something like death or injury … what if something happened that started a chain of events that changed the course of our lives and there was nothing we could do to stop it … what if in that chain of events we lost sight of each other … lost sight of what was important."

"That can happen any day, Harm," she sighed. "We can't know the future."

"No we can't … but we have free will … we can make choices that will guide and direct us in different directions in spite of the uncontrollable events."

"Harm …" she was shaking her head.

"Example … Bud was injured by a land mine … what if that had happened before he met Harriet, what if it happened before they were married … what if that happened before they had a child … do you think that we would all be here right now celebrating the way we are."

"Maybe," she took his point.

"Maybe not," he put his hand gently on her arm. "Sarah … it's simple … "

She laughed. "Oh so now it is simple … it used to be complicated."

"It can be both … it's all in how you look at it," he explained. "I love you," he told her. "Do you love me?"

She looked up at him surprised at his directness. "Yes," she heard herself say.

"Then the rest is just logistics," he leaned down and kissed her.

Mac knew the rest was not JUST a matter of planning and following through, but she couldn't help but feel that the change in direction was leading toward something good, something that would be very good. Her sense of dread was checked. They were about to take steps to go down a different path.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."

"Yeah," She smiled and snuggled into his embrace. "Happy New Year."

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

It had been a busy day for Mac, which she took in stride – as she always did. It was Christmas Eve, she had more shopping to do, she was saddled with the attorneys from Kuwait (if they would ever arrive) and yet again she was witness to the miracle of birth in the JAG Maternity room known as Admiral Chegwidden's office. It didn't hit her as hard as it did the time AJ was born, but it was a close second. She was very clear --- she wanted a baby – but she also wanted all the trappings that came along with one: husband, home, marriage … a stable, loving environment to raise a child, or children.

Mac had been pretty preoccupied since Bud's accident. The accident … she never liked calling it an accident, but didn't feel right calling it anything else, at any rate it shook her to her foundation. It reminded her events happen over which people have no control. She was humbled to think that Bud could have died that day, and he had lived more fully than she had. She was forced to admit that Colonel Sarah MacKenzie was afraid. Not afraid in all the normal ways, but afraid to live, to take a chance, to risk happiness and fear loneliness. She could have everything she ever wanted in life if she would only give herself permission to have it. And what was it that she wanted? A career – yes, but she wanted a home, a husband and a family. She wanted it all and a bag of chips too, but she never really thought she would get it or that she frankly deserved it which made it easier to live without.

Then Harriet told her about her pregnancy. Mac was happy for her friends, but it was like a cold slap in the face again. How could they blithely go on with their lives when so much had happened to them – so much was STILL happening to them? A realization washed over Mac. That was what people did: they lived, they loved, they risked and sometimes they won and sometimes they lost but the most important thing was that they continued to play. Mac had taken herself out of the game so long ago, she was not sure how to get back in, but it would take a leap of faith.

When Harm walked through the door looking – for all intents and purposes – healthy, happy and in one piece --- she knew, knew it like she knew her own name. Harm was the risk - the leap - she had been too scared to take. The question then became – how? How to take the risk, how to leap? She tried not to let her mind wander to the fact that he may no longer be an option. He may well have moved passed his feelings – whatever they were. She had to find out for sure.

She watched him at dinner. She tried not to read too much into his smile or the fact that he chose to stand near her all night. That he talked to her the most and was happy to be sharing his experiences of the day with her.

"Hey," he said when they finally had a free moment. "I got your messages," he smiled softly. She nodded and looked away. "You OK?"

"Great," she shrugged. "Glad you are home safe and sound."

He told her the story about getting home and flying lead for the Toys-For-Tots plane and about Clarence.

"You're a good man," she said with a great deal more emotion than she wanted to express.

He was about to return the complement when little AJ came running up to him and threw his arms around him. Harm picked him up and carried him back to bed. Mac followed and watched him as he tucked the child back under the covers and made promises of sledding and playing in the snow and lots of presents from Santa but only if he went to sleep right away. From the doorway clutching AJ's stuffed elephant to her chest, she imagined him doing that for their children. She flashed on a future with the two of them, a house and children – at least two or three if not more. It was the life she always wanted, but until that moment never really imagined for herself.

"Sarah?" Harm asked pulling her out of her daydream. "Are you feeling OK?"

She nodded and smiled. "You're really good with him," she told him.

"AJ's my buddy," he looked back at the child who was pretending to sleep. He nodded his head for them to step out.

"You want kids, don't you?" she asked tentatively.

"Someday," he told her. "But first things first … would like to have a wife … "

"You would?"

"If I were to have kids … yeah, I would like a wife."

"I guess that makes sense," she wasn't thinking about the kids as much as she was thinking about Harm's wife. She had to question whether he would be as good a husband as he would be a father. "I guess before you have a wife … you need to meet someone and fall in love."

He smiled a bittersweet smile. "I'm not as far behind as you might think," he said dryly. "But maybe I should start with a date," he grinned pulled the elephant out of her arms and set it on the hall table. "How about you?"

"Yeah," she linked her arm with his as they headed down the stairs.

"Yeah, what?" he asked playfully. "Kids, husband … or a date."

"Someday … someday sooner … and yes," she looked up into his eyes.

Did she just trick him into asking for a date and did she accept? "Good," he smiled.

Before they could firm up those plans, each was pulled into a different conversation, but neither was about to forget where their discussion ended.

When it was time to go, Harm was putting on his coat by the door. Mac joined him and he helped her on with hers. "Thank you," she said coyly looking up into his eyes.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."

She nodded up to the mistletoe that hung over the entranceway. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

He gave her a safe kiss on her lips.

Mac returned the kiss however her safety was off. "Can you give me a lift home?" she asked when she realized that he was actually speechless. "We can discuss the order of things," she licked her lips. "And dates."

His heart lifted. "Absolutely … would love to hear your thoughts," he wrapped his scarf around his neck.

"Besides … I have another present I want to give you," she toyed with his scarf. Mac in flirt mode was a sight to behold.

He grinned. "Do you have any of that mistletoe at your house?" he tried to joke with his typical pilot's bravado.

"You won't need it," she opened the door. "Trust me."

"I am in your hands," he closed the door behind them.

"Not yet," she tossed over her shoulder. "But you will be."

Harm had to believe his whole life was about to change. He looked up at the sky. "Merry Christmas," he said to the gods or whoever was responsible for his luck. The next year was looking like a good one. He would definitely get a date … maybe even the wife … could get a good head start on that 'someday' … and he was about to give and get the greatest gift of all.

"I love you," she whispered into his ear as he opened the car door for her.

"I love you too," he said easily.

She kissed him again to avoid any more confusion about where the night and their future were leading.

_**Imagine how different the last two and a half years would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been two more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	10. Seasonal Kisses: S7 Answered Prayers

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 7**

**Spoilers: 2001 - Answered Prayers**

**Timeline: Post Jag-a-thon / Pre Bud's injury / Jennifer Coates Enters**

**A Kiss From Harm**

Harm and Mac were caught under the mistletoe on the way out the Robert's door to midnight mass. Their eyes met. Something electric passed between them as they realized they were caught under the mistletoe. "Awkward moment number 310," she said with an embarrassed smile.

The easiest and friendliest thing for Harm to do would have been to kiss her on the cheek or the lips chastely and move past the moment and ignore the comment. After the day he had (stolen car, stuck with Coates, his brother in a Chechan prison, the repeated dropped calls from Webb), he was not about to roll over and take one more thing as if he had no control over his life. "Awkward?" She turned away and started down the hall. "Wait … Mac … why is this awkward?"

"Harm … let it go," she opened a line of dialog that she hoped was long since closed.

"No … tell me," he followed after her. "Why is this awkward for you?"

"It isn't for you?" she asked over her shoulder.

He had started thinking about the "us" situation between them after the little postcard tete-a-tete they had earlier, but he had yet to formulate any firm opinions. "That was not what I asked … this is not about me," he stated emphatically.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. You're the one who was awkward. You're the one that closed the door before either one of us stepped though."

"Hey," she protested.

"You're the one that decided we should be friends. Why are you feeling awkward?"

"Harm," she stopped him. "Please."

"Please nothing, Mac. Awkwardness implies that there is something to be awkward about … is there?"

"Harm," she warned.

"Look Mac … here it is … I have no idea what we could have had together … I only know that I will not get passed you … not until -."

"Until what?" she challenged.

"Until we make an honest effort," he said as if it were obvious.

"An honest effort?" The elevator arrived but she made no attempt to get in. "Don't be ridiculous …"

"Sarah … you are in my head, under my skin … is that the kind of love that makes a future … I don't know … but whatever it is, it's screwing up the other relationships in our lives … it is coloring our relationship at work and out … so if we don't deal with it, we will never move on."

"Move on?" she pressed.

"Maybe we never will," he tried to save it. "Maybe we'll never have to … but we need to know that."

"Know what?" she rang again for the elevator. His case was full of holes.

"That we can or we can't … maybe we are the end of the line for each other."

"Very romantic," she rolled her eyes.

"Mac … back there in Sydney Harbor I wasn't ready to accept or act on my feelings for you … but I knew they were more one night."

"Is that all you thought I wanted?" she was insulted.

"Wasn't it?" he pressed.

"You think you know me," she scoffed.

"Correct me," he stated.

Mac was speechless. He had called her out and she had no response.

"Come on Mac … tell me where I am wrong," he stopped her from getting on the elevator. "Tell me what you expecting to happen that night."

"They are waiting for us," she ignored him.

"They can wait," he ordered. "That night you accused me of not pursuing something with you because it would affect our working relationship … damn straight it would affect or working relationship … and our friendship … you were casually asking me into bed like you were asking me for dinner … no strings attached."

"Harm that was a long time ago," she dismissed.

"Apparently NOT. It is still between us. We still can't talk about it. I can't atone for it. I can't change my answer!!"

"Change your answer?"

"You know that," he protested. "You know I would give anything to go back to that night." She shook her head. "Of course you know. You have to know. It was the reason you pressed me into telling you how I felt and letting me kiss you … waiting for me to kiss you the night of your engagement party."

"I did no so thing," she was livid. "That is not what happened – in Sydney or on the porch --- It was all you."

"You didn't walk away." He cocked his head. "Yet your RAN away when Brumby left … we were just about to get to ---."

"Ran away?" she tossed back at him. "You were with Renee … what the hell was I supposed to do. I had been left by my fiancée, people were asking questions … and you were no where around … not as a friend … not as anything else."

"You said you understood … you told me to go … you told me not to call." He added snidely, "and women think they are logical."

"We are not discussing this … not tonight," she turned to head down the stairs. "This is Christmas for Christ's sake."

"Yes, we are," he grabbed her hand. The shock stopped both of them in their tracks. Their eyes locked and they lost their train of thought. Neither moved for a long moment.

Mac was the first to recover. "All this because I said I was awkward?" She vainly attempted to pull her hand away.

He stepped toward her pressing his fingers into her palm. "All this because we never should have let it get awkward," he said intently.

She couldn't take her eyes from his. "It's too late," was her weak protest.

"No … we are both still here … clearly our feelings haven't changed."

She shook her head. "Don't speak for me."

He pulled her closer. "I don't want to speak for you. I don't want it to be awkward, Mac. I don't want to be friends. I think we gave up too soon … we gave up without ever really giving it a chance."

"It's not that simple," she announced turning away.

"You want simple?" he turned her back to him and took a burning kiss from her that matched his intensity.

Her body had betrayed her. There was no honest way to deny her desire, but she did anyway. "Stop," she told him without making eye contact. "It is not ---."

"Now who is the one who can't let go?" he asked.

"We are not going to do this. Not tonight. They are waiting … Coates … we have obligations."

"We have an obligation to ourselves," he reminded her.

"We have to go," she freed herself and headed for the stairwell.

"Don't run away Sarah," he warned her.

She disappeared down the stairs and made it down two flights before she sunk down to the bottom stair. Tears were pouring out of her eyes. She didn't know what she was feeling: angry, scared, aroused, confused … too many to register. She put her hand to her mouth. She could still feel him kissing her. Her desire overwhelmed all her other feelings. He was the one she had wanted for so long, to have him so close and to push him away was just plain prideful. He was right. His timing sucked, but it always did for her … for them. She heard him on the stairs following her. She recovered as quickly as she could. She knew she needed to face him. She knew she wanted to face him.

"Sarah," he said as he stood behind her. "I'm sorry."

She turned to him quickly. "Don't be sorry … please don't be sorry," she burst out. "You are right … we do have an obligation to ourselves."

"We do," he sat down next to her.

"We can't do anything about anything tonight … we can't even continue to talk about it," she said sadly.

"After the service?" he asked.

"You have to go to the wall and I have to take Coates home," she said.

"I'll come by."

She shook her head. "Not tonight."

"Sarah?" She looked so miserable. He needed something from her to let him know that she was OK and that it was something she wanted.

"Call me," she offered with a smile and stroked his face. "Yes, I mean no … I mean I want to talk about this" she said trying to assuaging his concerns.

He tentatively leaned over and kissed her. Her response was enough to let him know that she was OK and they were far from over.

"I'll expect you for Christmas dinner tomorrow."

"Don't make any plans for New Year's Eve."

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

"That's what you get for loving someone for two years---a postcard." Mac listened to herself. That was wrong. She hadn't 'loved' Mic for two years, not like she should have if she were going to marry him. She looked back at Harm. His comment about Renee and her husband honeymooning in Maui didn't feel like he felt any great loss either. Something occurred to Mac. If Renee and Mic were able to move on, why couldn't she, why shouldn't she. She still had feelings for Harm, why would she have those if she truly didn't think they could 'make it work'? She never considered herself a silly woman, but wasn't it just silly to deny feelings and pretend they didn't exist when they – at times – consumed her daytime and often her sleep hours? She did think about him - a lot - and not as a friend. Often it was to convince herself why it wouldn't work – that seemed like a pointless exercise since clearly her head and some other part of her body were not on the same page. She did dream about him – often – and they were not always in court. Those were hard mornings to face – how could a reasonable, rational, intelligent woman reconcile to the fact that while her mind rested, that other part of her body got to play. It was getting harder everyday to deny. Then Chloe's question came back to her. 'Can your best friend become your boyfriend?' Mac's response was about luck, but in reality, Mac believed in making her own luck. To that end …

Mac followed Harm to the elevator in her PJs. "Thanks for the perfume, Harm," she said a little reluctantly.

"But?" he turned to her.

"I know the timing is bad … Chloe and Coates … the holiday … but maybe we can find some time to … talk." She was taking a taking a chance that Harm why he couldn't move on as well.

"Talk?" he turned to her completely. He had gone down that road with her before, it had netted nothing then, but maybe one more time would be different.

"Yeah," she smiled weakly. "Just you and me … maybe we can finish that conversation that we barely got started … the one I said we would never finish." She widened her smile. "I'd like a little open communication for Christmas."

He smiled back still unsure of where she was going, or what she wanted but enjoying the hope that it would be the same thing he wanted. He decided to play with her a bit. "You didn't get me a present, did you?"

"I'd like to give you something more than socks," she grinned and leaned up and kissed him quickly.

"How much more?" he put his arm around her waist keeping her close.

She responded with a deeper kiss; deeper than she expected to give, deeper than she expected returned and deeper than should have been exchanged in a hallway.

"Wow," he said still holding her close and allowing her to wipe the lipstick off his mouth.

"I'd say that about sums it up." She was completely delighted with herself on a number of differently levels.

"Won't be sugar plums dancing in my head tonight."

"I should hope not." She turned to go back to her apartment.

He held her hand tightly preventing her from getting too far away. "Sarah?"

"We'll talk," she assured him. "Tomorrow … on Christmas day."

"I am going to hold you to that," he stated letting her hand go.

"Good," she smiled broadly relishing the anticipation that would fill her dreams that night. "We could be looking at a very Happy New Year."

He grabbed her hand again and pulled her down the hall a little bit. "Just so I am really … really clear on the topic of our conversation." She slid her hands up his chest and linked her fingers behind his neck. She rose up on her tip toes so her lips were millimeters away from his. She leaned into him with her whole body. She looked deeply into his eyes and kept them open as she kissed him leaving no question in his mind how the conversation would go.

His grin could hardly be contained. He took a step away so he could see all of her. "Ya know in all the fantasies I have had of this moment … and there have been many … not one of them had you dressed in flannel cowboy PJs."

"Good," she smiled. "I'm glad I could surprise you."

"I'll bet there are a lot of things about you that will surprise me."

"Pleasantly, I hope."

"No doubt."

"Go," she nodded. "I'll see you at the Roberts."

"And tomorrow …"

"And tomorrow," she confirmed. "Hey Harm," she called after him. He snapped his attention back. "You fantasized about me kissing you?" He nodded emphatically. "Often?" He shrugged an embarrassed affirmative. "Would like to discuss those too." He nodded again knowing that there were some he would never be able to tell her about, while others they might get to play out. It was looking like it was going to be a VERY good New Year.

_**Imagine how different the last three and a half years would have been if either of these scene was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been three more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	11. Seasonal Kisses: S6 No Xmas Ep

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 6**

**Spoilers: 2000 – No Xmas Episode / Assume Christmas Eve**

**Timeline: Post Sergei Getting Shot down and Mic giving the ultimatum to Mac / Pre the announcement of the engagement (Note: Harm is with Renee and Mac is with Mic)**

**A Kiss From Harm**

Mac found Harm at the wall.

"Mac, what are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you … you have been acting very … I don't know … distracted … since you found out about Sergei?" He shrugged. "Are you still considering going after him?" she asked tentatively.

"No," he breathed a sigh of relief. "I would probably just get us both killed."

She didn't actually say anything, but was grateful that he was not planning on another wild hare mission.

"I got a letter from him today," Harm offered as explanation. "… well what little was left after the CIA got a hold of it."

"Is he OK?"

"As much as I could tell."

"Are you OK?" she asked sincerely.

"Fine," he grimaced. He was tired of answering that question. Renee was hanging on him, pushing him to talk, to discuss things that he really wasn't prepared to discuss with himself much less anyone else. It was literally driving him crazy. So much so he sent her home to her family for the holiday saying that he needed some time alone. Mac heard the finality of his comment. She would not be another one to press him.

They stood silent for a moment before Mac spoke again. "Harm, I know this isn't the right time," she looked a little guilty though she didn't know why. "But I wanted to be the one to tell you," she swallowed hard. "I didn't want you to just find out."

"What?" he asked.

"I have accepted Mic's proposal," she said quickly.

He looked annoyed rather than happy for a friend. "Why?" he asked her.

"Why?" She didn't expect that question from him.

"Yeah … did he threaten to go back to Australia?" Harm never liked Brumby so it was hard to discuss him without the "snide" in his voice.

"I don't think ---."

"Come on Mac." He was aggravated. "You can't be in love with this guy."

"Why not?" she threw back at him.

"Be serious."

"You think Mic is incapable of ---."

"How would I know?" he cut her off. "But from where I sit … sure, I believe that Mic does have strong feelings for you … and they quite possibly are love … like the way I love my plane or my Vette."

"You think that I am so unlovable?" she asked stinging from his appraisal of Mic's feelings.

"Of course not … that's not what I said … that's not what I asked," he reiterated. "I asked if you were in love with him."

"I have accepted his proposal," she looked away.

"Evasive," he announced. "Does not prove love."

"Why do I have to PROVE -?"

"Like accepting his ring," he cut her off. "Mac, just because he offered it to you doesn't mean you have to take it."

"Why are you so against this?" she demanded to know. "What difference does it make to you?"

Harm was quiet for a moment trying to decide how much he could, should or would have to say. He was involved with Renee. He shouldn't say what he wanted to say, he should say what needed to be said but he would have to say something to get her to rethink this ridiculous plan of hers. He took the offence which meant he didn't have to say another about himself or his feelings. "Mac one night you were asking me into your bed and the next you are engaged to Brumby … it's just not right … that's not love."

"It wasn't like that," she announced. "And we have been dating for nearly a year," she stated. "And what happened – rather did NOT happen between us has nothing to do with Mic or my feelings for him."

"Are you sure about that?" he pressed. "You took my refusal of one night as a complete rejection of you and went running to Mic."

"Don't be so adolescent," she scolded him. "And of course I took your NO as rejection. How else was I supposed to take it?"

"I didn't say NO," he defended. "I said not yet."

She shook her head. "Semantics … here we are a year later and nothing has changed."

"You were wearing his ring … what the hell was I supposed to do?"

"What are you doing now?" she challenged.

"Trying to save you from making the biggest mistake of your life."

She scoffed. She had made so many HUGE mistakes, that Brumby – right, wrong or indifferent – wouldn't even register.

"Was I supposed to try to break you up?" he asked rhetorically. "Aren't you a big girl who can make her own decisions?"

"Yes I am," she straightened her spine.

"Clearly you can make your own mistakes."

"And I have decided to marry Mic," she stated before she heard his comment and realized how hers sounded.

"Fine."

"Fine," she was done and was sorry she went to find him.

"Just one thing," he grabbed her hand preventing her from escaping. A shock of electricity surged through them. "Aren't you going to wonder how it would have been different if you had waited," he stepped toward her; they were inches apart. "If maybe you actually gave us a chance to work it out … due process."

"I don't do 'what ifs' or regrets," she declared but was clearly affected by his closeness; leaning in rather than away.

"Good … me either," he kissed her hard.

She pulled away from him surprised at her response. "Harm!"

Harm was surprised too, but he was encouraged more. "Is that what you want? Do you want me to say 'don't marry him'? Is that why you came here tonight to see how I would react? Are you giving me the same ultimatum that Brumby gave you? Speak now or forever hold my peace?" She hadn't realized it, but she was. "Fine … don't marry him Mac … you don't love him … if you did you would have accepted his proposal long before now … let him go back to Australia … give us a chance."

"Us? The Three of us?" she asked with tears in her eyes. "Renee?"

"Finished … she wants me to be someone I am not … she knows it … I know it … neither one of us wanted to admit it, but is it over." She wanted to believe him. He took her in his arms again. "Don't marry him, Sarah," he said gently and kissed her with more tenderness and less desperation.

She folded into the kiss and made no effort to stop it. "No," she whispered into his ear. "I won't."

Won't? Won't what? Marry him or not marry him? Harm was lost. Had he won the argument or lost?

She pushed away from him and straightened herself out. "I'm glad you are Ok." She restated. "I'm glad Sergei is OK."

"Mac?"

"I have something I need to do … to take care of." She turned away, pulled her glove off, slipped off her ring, stuffed it into her vest pocket and quickly put her glove back on.

"Sarah?"

She turned back to him. "I think you have something to take care of as well," she told him.

"I do?"

"Considering that it's Christmas Eve … maybe we can have lunch or dinner in a couple of days … Wednesday or Thursday."

"New Year's Eve?" he asked. "Ground Hog Day? Arbor Day? The third Sunday in August?" He was looking for something to give him hope. Breaking up with Renee could be done whenever but he should have appreciated that she might need a bit more time with Brumby. It was a little cold to break up with a man whom she had agreed to marry on Christmas Eve.

She nodded and smiled. "Let's start with lunch on Wednesday."

On the other hand, he was not about to let her spend one more minute with that louse than she had to, to get her point across. He shook his head. "No, I won't let this Christmas go by."

"Harm … be reasonable."

"No," he wouldn't consider it. "You can call him from the car." He wrapped his arm around her and started leading her away.

"Harm … no … be kind … this is not you … you are not mean or mean spirited." She nearly laughed at herself. "You can be snide and petty, but not mean."

"I want to see you tomorrow … and I want you to call me tonight," he pressed. "Or better still …"

"I will call you tonight." She took his hand.

"I want to be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas," he eased back realizing that he had won a battle he didn't know he wanted to fight.

"Ok." She was too calm.

"Sarah?"

She just shook her head from side to side. "I'm about to take a leap of faith that my better judgment and every fiber of my being is warning me against taking… seems appropriate that it's Christmas."

"I won't let you fall," he promised as if he could. He put his ungloved icy cold fingers to her face and combed back her hair. "You are more beautiful with the snow falling around you."

She hadn't noticed, but the ground, the wall and the two of them were covered with a dusting of freshly fallen snow. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

"A very merry Christmas it is." He kissed her again. "I love you," he said in the moment but had no desire to take it back.

"I love you."

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

Mac hesitated before she knocked. His lights were on even though it was very late, but she didn't see Renee's car. It was still a big chance. Just as her knuckles hit the door she realized she should have called.

He looked like he had been sleeping when he answered the door. "Mac?" he wiped at his face.

"I woke you ... I'm sorry ... the lights were on."

"What? ... no ... I mean ... yes ... fell asleep on the couch."

"I'll come by another time."

"Hey," he called to her. "Forget it. You saved me from wrenching my neck. Come in ... what's going on?" he stepped back to let her enter.

"Is Renee here?" she asked looking around.

"Went home to visit her parents ... guess her father is not feeling well," he tidied up the mess that was on the coffee table. "How about some tea? Or a piece of that pie that Harriet made."

"No ... nothing ... well tea ... if you're having some."

"So what brings you by?" he sat down caddy corner from her forgetting his host responsibilities. "Thought you were Santa knocking on my door," he feigned a yawn/laugh. "Speaking of which," he reached his long arm over to the desk and pulled off a small package for her. "Looks like he left something here for you."

"Thank you," she accepted the present but made no move to open it. "I had a fight with Mic," she announced by way of explaining her presence at his apartment. "Seems like that's all we're doing recently."

"Oh?" he was not impressed.

"Yeah ... ever since..," she still hadn't told Harm, in fact she hadn't told anyone that she had moved the ring from her right to her left hand – hence they were engaged. In fact that's what the fight was about – not the engagement part. Mic was annoyed that she didn't feel that their engagement was worth a mention to her friends or Chloe or Harm. She shook her head. "I haven't had a chance to tell you ... but I accepted Mic's proposal the other day."

"The other day?" he asked.

"Well it was about a week ago."

"And there was no time to share the joyous news with your friends."

"Don't start with me Harm," she warned.

"Can I assume that that was what the fight was about?"

She was caught and decided not to defend herself. "Actually ... it was."

"Sorry Mac ... I'm going to have to side with Mic on this one," he said the words, but he really didn't mean them. His voice took on an odd sincerely remorseful tone. "If you had accepted my proposal I would have been shouting it from the roof tops."

She studied him. "Why didn't you accept mine?" she asked after a moment.

"You proposed?" he asked.

"In Sydney."

"That didn't feel like a proposal," he raised a brow at her. "It felt more like a proposition."

"Is that why you rejected me?" she asked.

"I never rejected you, Mac," he corrected. "I just didn't like what was being offered."

"Oh?" she cocked her head. "What did you think you were being offered?"

"You were suggesting something ... I don't know ... casual ... you and I were never meant for CASUAL – not as colleagues or friends or anything else," he waited for her to respond. She didn't. "In hindsight I see that I was wrong," he looked at her intently hoping it was safe to proceed. "You weren't offering casual … just not fully developed." She continued to glare but made no move to respond. "Or maybe that is wrong too … maybe it was a perfectly planned mission with all contingencies covered," he offered. "I guess I just didn't understand that I was only the first … proposal you made that weekend … at least I hope I was the first … you were clearly ready to accept a ring from any Tom, Dick or Brumby … OR would have done anything to set a hook into a friend?"

"Hey," she snapped. "I don't like what you are implying …"

"Too close to the mark … you had a goal that weekend … a pretty big goal," he told her. "Stupid me … I was too slow, too self-involved or too realistic to see it."

"Realistic?"

"Our friendship?" he reminded her. "Our working relationship … it would have been ruined if we did the headboard banging you were proposing … and been destroyed if the rest of your plan worked."

"You can be so crude at times," she sneered.

"If the situation fits," he pressed too far.

"Nothing was DESTROYED in Mic's and my …"

""Nothing was what?" he pushed back. "The man gave up his country, his commission and dare I say all his friends and family to follow you halfway around the world … for what? To take jobs that are less than his ability (which for Brumby is hard to find), to force you into marrying him, and then refusing to tell your friends of the culmination of YOUR yearlong plan to get the sap to take the bait?"

"Why did I come here tonight?" she headed for the door.

"Because you know I will tell you the truth." He stood up to follow her. "You don't love him … you don't want to marry him … you want someone to stop you … and you came here tonight because you knew I would … but you came for the wrong reasons."

"I hate you when you are arrogant," she commented. "But when are you not?"

"You aren't going to ask about the REAL reasons I will talk you out of this insanity?"

"You're on a role." She waved her hand for him to continue.

"Well it isn't out of vanity, hurt ego or pride … the real reason is that I don't want to see you marry the wrong man … I care about you and more than that …." He caught himself and stopped.

"More than that what?" she prodded.

"I won't give you the satisfaction," he stated with that bravado that he himself was beginning to resent.

She shook her head. "I have no idea what I ever saw in you," she stated for the record. "Must have been that damned 200watt smile and those eyes that can see through me yet keep me away." She hadn't realized how close he was to her. "It damn sure wasn't that mouth." A wave of desire went through her as she watched him nervously lick his lips. She looked up into his eyes; they were not pushing her away then. She couldn't help herself; she leaned up and kissed him. It was more than either expected it to be to both their delights. "I am not in love with Mic," she announced matter-of-factly.

"I should hope not." he almost laughed. "If you were engaged to me and kissed another man like that I would …"

"You would what?"

"I don't know …" he leaned toward her. "But I wouldn't like it.

They kissed again – and both liked it – it was more than mutual.

"What would Renee think?" she asked bravely.

He slowly shook his head. "She wouldn't like it … but then again, Renee and I aren't engaged."

"But she still wouldn't like it."

"Not at all … but I do." He put his hand on her back to keep her from moving away.

"Harm?"

"Mac?"

"Don't marry Mic."

"Ok."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Is that all you were hoping for me to say tonight?"

"Maybe, but," she hemmed. "It would be nice to have something to look forward to."

He cocked his head. "Not ready to offer what Brumby is offering."

"I can deal with that … for today … but someday?"

"Definitely someday," he assured her.

"Ok."

"Are we going to have to go through this over and over with every other Tom and Dick?"

"You mean until you are ready?" She finished his question.

"Yes."

"No … this one is on me … but don't wait too long," she warned. "Next time – if there is a next time, it won't be so easy … in fact next time you may not get to weigh in."

"I understand."

"Good." He was lost as to what to do next. If she were any other woman he would know exactly, step by step and see it through until morning. But this was Sarah Mac MacKenzie … she was special, she got a vote, she would want to take the lead.

"So … how about that tea and pie?" He said waiting for her next instruction.

"Ok," she settled back down on the couch.

"You don't need to be anywhere?"

"Soon … but not right away … but not too long."

He got up to make the tea.

She opened her present. It was perfume, as she expected … but it was her latest guilty pleasure … the stuff that was so expensive she had to HOPE for samples but would never buy a full bottle for herself. He never commented on her scent to her face, but clearly he had a good nose and he noticed her.

"Thank you, Harm." She held up the bottle dabbing some behind her ears and in the deep of her cleavage as if she were daring him to snuff it out.

He looked over at her: comfortable on his couch, relaxed and erotically sexy in her civvies. He would of course 'snuff' that perfume out anywhere on her body. "Merry Christmas, Sarah."

"Back at you," she held the bottle to her nose again and licked her lips. It was going to be a great new year.

_**Imagine how different the last three and a half years would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been three more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	12. Seasonal Kisses: S5 Ghosts of Xmas Past

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 5**

**Spoilers: 1999 - Ghost of Christmas Past**

**Timeline: Post: Harm's return to JAG from flying, Mic is still at JAG, Pre: Boomerang / Sergei**

**A Kiss From Harm **

Harm watched Jenny Lake walk away. He looked back at his father's name on the wall. He didn't know why but he needed to get away. Get away from the wall, from his phony memories, away from the new images that filled his head. It had never occurred to him that his father was a man – a man with needs, a man with faults, flaws and foibles. Even after the discovery in Russia. The situation in Russia was much more dire – he had been listed as missing for years and there was no hope of him getting home alive – and to be perfectly frank the little boy in Harm would never really let his mind go to what exactly happened between his father and that woman. That he had died defending her was admirable, she didn't **need** to be his lover but it was childish to think she wasn't. To know what his father was capable of made him wonder if this Jenny Lake person was the first - clearly she wasn't the last.

His mood flipped. He was mad … unreasonably mad. Like a true mother's son should be. How dare his father take up with some floozy because she was scared and lonely? What would have happened if he came back from that mission – safe and sound? Would they have carried on an affair behind his mother's back? Would that have been a secret that Harm Sr. took to his grave? Would there have been others? Would his affairs have been cause for divorce or was his mother the kind of woman that would forgive over and over?

He got in the car and drove.

Harm was no choirboy, he knew women and he knew about desiring them – but he never cheated (a major source of pride with him). He never took up with one while still involved with another. In fact Harm had gone out of his way to ensure that he never committed to anyone – but he still didn't cheat on them. It had lost him Diane, Annie and Jordan – to name a few – the lack of committing, not the fidelity. He knew Diane was taken from him, but if he was being totally honest – that week they had planned in the mountains to discuss their options would have been the end to them. Harm was not ready to settle down. He was not ready to commit. With Annie, he was clearly not ready to compromise and consider her feelings in their relationship. Ditto for Jordan. He expected them to just take what he was offering for as long as they could stand it. Maybe he was just like his father. Did his father even stop to think about how his wife might feel if she were to find out? God knows Harm didn't stop to think about how Annie would feel about him lying to her and taking Josh out to sea and Jordan wasn't even on his radar when he decided to go back to flying – yet he expected both women to just accept it – accept him.

He didn't know how or why but he wound up at Mac's apartment knocking on her door.

"Brumby here?" he asked when she opened the door. Clearly he was still in a mood.

"No," she didn't step back. She was not in the mood for Harm, in fact she was feeling pretty low and wanted to curl up and pretend that it was not yet another holiday and yet another year gone by without a husband, boyfriend or date on New Year's Eve.

He pushed his way passed her and tossed his cover on the couch. "Can I come in?"

"You're in," she closed the door reluctantly and wiped at the dry tears. "You're here because …"

"You won't believe who I just met," he announced. "I just met my father's last lover … well not last …but the last one before he went down."

"Excuse me?" Mac leaned against the chair.

"Yep," he announced as if he were proud of it. "Apparently Dad was doing the USO girls too … and one came by tonight … at the wall … to pay her respects and return his wings."

Mac nodded. "I see."

"That is all you have to say?" he was annoyed.

She cocked her head. "I'm sorry?" she offered as if she were confused what response he was looking for.

"Forget it," he threw up his hands and walked back toward the door.

"What do you want me to say, Harm?" she snapped at him. "You have no idea what really happened."

"She told me everything … blow by blow of those last hours."

"From her perspective," Mac corrected.

"How is sex a matter of perspective?" he slammed back.

Mac had to laugh and shook her head. "Don't be so dense."

"Are you saying she is lying?"

"All I am saying is that you now have a piece of information about an incident some 30 years ago that you can't appreciate and will never fully understand. She is that many years older and history tends to be romanticized."

"I don't think so," he shook his head. "I don't think that is it at all."

"Fine," she dismissed him.

"Fine what?" he pressed.

"If you want to write your father off as a womanizer … ruin your image of your father's love for your mother … then go ahead, but the only person to lose here is you."

"You don't think my mother will care?" he asked.

"Are you planning on telling her?" she threw back at him.

"Doesn't she have the right to know?"

"No," Mac said firmly.

"No?" he was shocked.

"What would be gained?"

"A little unfettered truth?"

"Look … I don't know exactly what you were told … but I know enough about being separated from the one you love … it's hard, and no amount of truth will give you peace … love is about faith and trust."

"And if that trust is misplaced?" he queried.

"Was it?" she stood firm. "Do you honestly think he wouldn't have come home to her if he could have?"

Harm sunk to the sofa. "I don't know."

"Yes you do," she stepped closer to him.

"Yes … I suppose I do." He pushed his hand through his hair. "He would have come home if he could have … but ---"

"But what?" she asked. "Do you think that you Mother would have tossed him out on his ear if she had known?"

"No," he relented. "I would have," he stated.

"You're his son, not his wife." He looked away. "Harm?"

He shook it off. "I have to go," he stood up and moved toward the door.

"Harm what is really bothering you?" she asked.

"You wouldn't understand," he dismissed.

"Harm?"

"Maybe it is me that doesn't understand. I try to be honest and straightforward with women and I lose. My father goes so far as to marry one, have a child and the she loves him forever never really knowing that he is a man just like the rest of the men and sleeping around behind her back."

"Is this about your parents?" she asked. "Or is it about you and Jordan?"

"No," he stated a little too quickly. "Jordan …"

"Was a woman you left behind hoping she would wait as you went off and did your flying thing."

"Flying THING?"

"Did you expect Jordan to be just like your mother and wait through all of it?"

"I never said that … I never expected that … but I don't see why it made that much of a difference," he stated.

"It does … it does make a difference," Mac emphasized. "Women want to be considered."

That struck a note with Harm and he had to get it to stop. "And what about you?" he asked in a fit.

"Me what?"

"You didn't wait for me either … the second my seat was vacant … Brumby was filling it in more ways than one."

"I don't know what you are implying … but I don't like it," she glared at him. "And we were nothing more than friends," she stated.

"Were friends or are friends?" he asked but didn't wait for an answer. "What was all that stuff in my office before I left?" he asked. "**_So many things you want to tell me_** … like what?"

"I can't talk to you when you are like this," she moved toward the door.

"Like what?" he followed her.

"Harm go home … take a shower … take a run … do something to work this mood out of you."

"I am not in a MOOD."

"I need to get some sleep, Mic and I are –"

"What do you see in that guy?" he cut her off.

"Mic and I are friends," she stated. Mic did want more, but Mac just couldn't imagine any kind of relationship with him. She had reluctantly agreed to go skiing with him in the morning. It was the safest thing she could do with him and it was distraction enough from the holiday. "Like you and me," she stated more annoyed than anything.

"He wants more than that."

"We don't always get what we want," she started to tear up. She had been in her own mood before he showed up, she hated the holidays and SELFISH HARM didn't help matters.

Tears were Harm's down fall. He hated to see a woman cry and that was doubled with women he cared about (like father, like son). He took a deep breath and took the edge out of his voice. "What do you want Mac?" he brushed some hair off her face. "What do you want that you aren't going to get?"

"I don't know," she looked down. "A million dollars," she tried to avoid the question.

He tilted her chin up so he could look in her eyes. "Tell me, Sarah … it's Christmas. Tell me what you want that you don't think you will get." She couldn't answer, but her heart was racing. "Sarah?" An overwhelming desire took Harm by surprise. He kissed her and she readily kissed him back. "Sarah?" he asked again.

She had no words. She buried her face in his shoulder. There were so many things she wanted to tell him, so many more things she wanted to hear, but it was enough to be in his arms as there was no real expectation that anything would change that night – or ever, but at least he made a move, a pretty big move too. She never would have expected that.

He looked down at her. She looked different … vulnerable. Mac was the strongest, most capable woman he had ever known. But in his arms she looked tentative and scared. He wanted to protect her, to love her and more. He kissed her again and again he got back more than he had expected.

"Do you want me to go?" he whispered in her ear.

"No," she said weakly.

"So I should stay?" he clarified.

"No," she pulled away from him.

"No?"

"I don't know …I don't know what just happened."

"I think we both know," he countered. "At least it felt that way."

"I think we both did something without thinking and if we don't take a moment to think … we could risk ruining more than just a friendship."

Harm did take the moment she had suggested. "And if we still think that the risk is worth taking."

"I am not sure if either of us is … rational enough right now to make that a considered choice."

He almost laughed. "You are accusing me of getting caught up in the moment like my father did with Jenny Blake?"

"I am not accusing you of anything … but tell me honestly that if anyone told you two hours ago that you would be here and did what you just did …"

"I would not have believed them … but that is not to say I never thought about it."

"Let's not make too much out of this than needs be."

He pulled her into his arms again. "I say we make more." He leaned down but waited for her to meet him half way. She did.

"Should I go?" he asked again when he released her from his kiss.

"No," was her reply.

"Christmas?"

"Merry Christmas … to us."

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

Mac stood back in the cold and watched as Harm spoke with the older woman. She was close enough to hear them, but no so close as to intrude on the conversation. She listened as Jenny Lake told her story she imagined herself in the role of Jenny and Harm in the role of his father. It was romantic in that 'lovers in war' kind of way – romantic for Jenny and Harm Sr, not Mac and the Junior edition.

Mac knew all about lovers in need or a time of crisis. They made for good stories or longing memories on lonely nights but were not the foundation of good strong lasting relationships. She also knew about relationships built on sex or ones started out of lack of options. How many times had she started dating a man just because he was the only one available and viable in her circle? Then there were the relationships that started because "he" just wouldn't take no for an answer. It was flattering to be chased; it was ego boosting to be loved and admired. It was difficult to give that up for loneliness. The problem with those relationships was that they tended to veer her off course. In the end they were just wastes of time. For Mac they always confused her into thinking she didn't want what she knew she wanted, or did want what they were selling. Mic was the latest in this procession of LOOSERS. He was pushing her in that direction and she had finally stopped it – just that morning – if only in her own head. Mic would just have to take a hint.

Mac knew what she wanted. She had known for a while. She had taken a good hard look at herself and her relationships that day … mostly that night as she sat alone on Christmas Eve - AGAIN. She kept coming back to one man: Harm. Since the day she had met him she had wanted him and rejected him at the same time. He was all ego and bravado. That annoyed her and gave her the rationalization she needed to keep him at bay (not that he was chasing her) but it allowed her to take him off the "available" list. But as she got to know him, she discovered the little boy inside of him. The little boy who lost his father grew into the man driven to follow his passion and obsessions. She wanted to be one of his obsessions, one of his passions – she wanted to believe that someone could be so passionate about her.

What she had realized that night was that as long as she kept the stiff arm between them, he would not cross over. Was it his ego? Was he really worried that she would reject him? She had to own that he had no reason to think she wouldn't. She looked at it from his side; why would any man go where the odds of getting shot down were near 100 percent. When he went back to flying she missed him terribly, but when he came back she gave him a very luke warm return. It was time to heat things up. Not time like the present. No time like a holiday to mark an occasion.

"Mac?" Harm called to her.

Mac had been daydreaming and hadn't seen the woman leave. "Harm."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to find you," she stated the obvious.

"You did," he smiled. He was in a surprisingly good mood considering he had just found out a secret about his father that the father would have preferred been kept secret.

"Yes, I did," she didn't say more.

"Can I take you out for coffee?" he was at a loss.

She stepped up to him. "Do you feel like talking?" she asked.

He wrapped a friendly arm around her. "You know me … I love to talk … on any topic."

"About us," she gave him a topic.

A wave of panic flashed over him. Was he ready to start something with Mac? He liked working with her, if it went bad those relations would suffer and if it went well, then they might be reassigned. He was more than attracted to her and he had a feeling for a long time that anything that happened between them would be very serious – she was not just another woman he could date casually. A relationship with Mac would be hard work, but hard work that paid off – more than likely. "Oh." She pulled herself close to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He did not return the kiss. "Mac … do you really want to go there?" he was leery.

"I do," she said clearly. "You don't?"

"I'm not sure," he was as honest as he could be. "Don't misunderstand … I want to … but I question the wisdom of it." He had to keep talking so she wouldn't misunderstand. "We work together."

"So we have to wait until we are not working together or out of Washington … maybe not even on the same continent?"

"That won't change who we are." And then a thought flashed on him. "Or what we want."

"So what do you want, Harm?"

She was too much to resist. "I want to know that I can keep you as a friend."

"I can't make that promise … you'll just have to risk it," she smiled at him. "Thought you liked pushing the envelope, Hammer."

He pulled her to him and kissed her deeply. "This is the end of a beautiful friendship," he said in a mock Bogart voice.

"And the start of something much better," she led him away from the wall and into their new future – whatever that meant.

_**Imagine how different the last four and a half years would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been four more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	13. Seasonal Kisses: S4 Jaggle Bells

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 4**

**Spoilers: 1998 - Jaggle Bells – Introduction of Chloe and Jordan**

**Timeline: Post Russia / Pre Harm going back to flying**

**A Kiss From Harm**

Something clicked inside of Harm that night. He had made a decision, a choice, hatched a plan. It was hard to say what prompted it. It could have been simply the fact that it was yet another holiday and that he was tired of spending Holidays alone. It could have been his mother's latest PUSH for grand children. That year it was Old Lady Waxman's oldest daughter who had just gotten her PhD in paleontology and would be working at the Smithsonian in a couple of weeks. Harm would rather stick needles in his eyes. It could have been meeting Jordan Parker. She was everything he would have/should have wanted in a woman: smart, funny, willing to allow him to help her but not so vulnerable as to be NEEDY. She was sweet, beautiful and sexy – very, very sexy. He could see himself asking her out, being involved with her, and he could see it end. It would definitely end with Jordan – rather it would never actually begin – it should, but it wouldn't. That was his fault. Jordan was the kind of relationship that looked good on paper, but Harm wasn't looking for a paper romance. On the other hand, maybe the CLICK came from watching Mac with Chloe. Who knew that Mac had that side to her? He couldn't get past it and he could shake it. Mac was 3D … hell she probably touched all the dimensions including time. Still there were no guarantees of a beginning, middle or end … or no end. It would be a leap from Angels 15 with no 'chute. Or maybe it was sitting between those two beautiful women at dinner and only having one of them consume his thoughts. Regardless of what prompted it, Harm had made a plan and was going to follow it through to the end, whatever that meant for the short and long term.

His plan took him to Mac's door at 2300.

"Harm?" she was surprised to see him. "Thought you were taking Lt. Parker home."

"I did."

"Come in." Mac stepped back to allow him to enter. "Thanks again for dinner."

"My pleasure." He shifted his weight and looked a little uncomfortable. "Chloe asleep?"

"Back home." He nodded slightly. Chloe was his last hurdle – there was nothing standing in his way. "Can I get you something … tea?" she offered. "I just put the water on."

"Sure," he followed her to the kitchen.

Mac wanted him to say why he was there, but it looked like he was having a hard time finding the words. "So … Jordan seems nice," she opened any line of dialogue she could.

"She is," he agreed.

"Very beautiful," she asserted.

"So are you," he remarked almost too assertively.

Mac didn't quite know how to take that. "Thank you." There were times in their relationship when Mac wondered if Harm noticed that she was a woman at all.

"In fact you're an amazing woman," he said almost in answer to her thought.

"Oh?" Mac was still unsure where the conversation was going.

"Saw a very different side of you today."

"Did you?"

"I am sure it was always there … but the love and concern you have for Chloe, the lengths to which you would go to protect her, help her … yeah … I would say it was a different side than the 'lean green fighting marine" that I have come to know … and love." Mac blushed and busied herself with the tea. He waited until she was done and handed him the cup. He put it down immediately, and took her hand. "You're a good friend, Sarah … a fantastic partner … a worthy adversary … a stunningly beautiful woman … "

She smiled nervously. "Where is this coming from?" she asked quickly before she realized that he might give her an answer. "Are you going to ask to borrow money?" she joked trying to take the intensity out of the situation.

"No," he smiled. His voice got very soft and he drew her closer to him. "I was just thinking that … well … if we didn't work together … if I weren't going to be defending you in your Article 32 … if we weren't such good friends …"

She watched his mouth form all the words hoping and fearing to hear something but she was not sure what. "If we weren't … then what?" she asked.

"Then I would want to do this," he pulled her in and kissed her.

She couldn't help but respond. "Things could get complicated," she squeaked out when she found her voice, but she made no attempt to remove herself from his embrace.

"They could," he agreed. "They probably would."

"True," she started to feel nervous and was about to pull away.

He kissed her again. "I think it's too late," he claimed.

"Too late?" she leaned away from him.

"Things are already complicated," he kissed her one more time. His head told him to be careful that he had just opened a very big door, but every other part of his body told him to walk through it and not to look back.

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

Mac couldn't sleep and it wasn't just because it was 2300 on Christmas Eve.

The day had been filled ups and downs but one thing consumed her mind: Harm and Jordan. Just that morning Mac had been trying to wrangle a date out of him for the holidays. They were two attractive single adults alone on the holidays; they were friends and colleagues. What would be wrong with getting together over the holidays for dinner, a movie, sledding … whatever? But Harm didn't bite – or at least he hadn't bitten. He could have and he probably would have eventually. But then Chloe showed up and then Jordan Parker. By the end of the day, Jordan was squarely between Mac and the object of her desire – a date for the holiday.

She had no hard proof that Harm would pursue something with Jordan. He had plenty of women in his life and none of them amounted to more than an occasional dinner date and the even rarer weekend companion. After all, he had invited Chloe and Mac to dinner as well, that could have been to not give Jordan the wrong impression, or it could have been a safe way to invite her to dinner and get to know her better. Mac couldn't help but think that Jordan was different. She liked her – under other circumstances they would have been friends. Harm would be a fool not to ask her out. She was attractive, smart and they seemed to get along really well – very well. In fact Mac could see Jordan being a very serious person in Harm's life. It all of a sudden occurred to Mac, that her 'date for the holiday' was short sighted. Harm was important in her life and could have been more – and if she didn't do some thing, she could lose her opportunity. She made a decision and took a chance.

Forty minutes later she was at Harm's door. He wasn't home. She was too late. The last she knew he was taking Jordan home. There would be the invitation in for coffee and more talking, then the kiss under the mistletoe on the way out the door and the over the top gratitude for helping her with her legal situation. Then Harm would ask what she was doing the following day and they would make a date for sometime … sometime soon. Or worse (for Mac) there would be an invitation for breakfast and Harm would spend the night. There was nothing really stopping them. They were two consenting adults who had spent a good deal of time getting to know the other in a very odd setting which would be a great story to tell the grandchildren.

Mac lost her chance. She was just about to leave when Harm stepped off the elevator. He was covered with snow and had a bag in his hands. He clearly hadn't been home yet as he was still in uniform.

"Mac?" he was surprised. "You OK?"

"Yeah … fine," she was totally embarrassed and didn't know how to explain her presence.

"What are you doing here?" he opened his door and left it open for her to follow him in. She didn't know what to say; how to start. "Did Chloe get home OK?" he asked feeling her discomfort.

"Yes," she braved the next question. "Did Lt. Parker."

"Yes," he studied her. "What's up?"

"Jordan is nice," Mac stated like a jealous schoolgirl.

"She is," Harm agreed.

"I suppose you are going to see her again."

He nodded and pulled out two cups for tea. "There is a good possibility of that."

"But you don't have a date for tomorrow…" She stepped over to the island. "… or the next day."

"No … it's Christmas Mac … most NORMAL people have plans," he came around and sat down on the stool near where she was standing.

She smiled and shrugged. "I suppose." She looked sheepish. "Do you?"

"Nothing yet," he said. Mac mind went spinning. Was that a mixed message? Harm was always sending mixed messages. Or maybe he wasn't … maybe she just didn't want to hear the message he was sending … or maybe she just didn't know how to respond to get what she wanted. "Mac?"

"I was going to cook tomorrow and I really hate cooking for myself," she stated. "Would you like to join me for dinner?"

"Ok," he said easily. "Should we make it a working dinner and get a jump on your defense for the Article 32 or …" His voice got soft and very sexy "… or should we blow off work and the rest of it and curl up and watch a movie."

"Curl up?"

"Yeah … sure … one of those sappy holiday films … we can have cookies and cocoa with those tiny marshmallows," he flashed a very cute enticing smile.

She couldn't help but lean into him. "Why Harmon Rabb … you do have a soft side when it comes to the holiday." Before she knew what she was doing she had kissed him and he kissed her back.

She tucked herself into a close embrace. "Is this why you came here?" he asked gently.

She stiffened worried that she had pushed it too far. "I'm sorry … I mean … we work together … we are friends."

"Both of those are true," he let her lean back so he could look at her.

"But … " She stated. "We are also adults … and … " She wasn't sure what the look in his eyes was telling her, but she chose to see the message she wanted to. " … and …." She kissed him again.

"And?" he asked.

"I think we can handle it," she stated. It could have been because of the holiday, it could have been that they were stopping the avoiding of their feelings (as they had in Russia and countless other occasions), it could be a disaster or it could be the best thing that ever happened to either of them. Regardless of what happed in the coming year, Mac was glad she had gone to see him that night. "Merry Christmas, Harm," she kissed him again. Poor Jordan … she probably would not be getting the call back for a date any time soon.

_**Imagine how different the last five and a half years would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been five more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	14. Seasonal Kisses: S3 No Xmas Ep

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 3**

**Spoilers: 1997 – No Xmas Episode that Year – Assume Christmas Eve. **

**Timeline: Post Mac Returning to JAG; Pre Break up with Dalton and Harm hooking up with Annie; **

**A Kiss From Harm **

Understandably Christmas could be a difficult time for Harm. Typically the bravado that was his mask kept friends and family from knowing how difficult it still was for him, but he knew it was there. It wasn't every year, but sometimes he could get intensely sentimental with the decking of the halls and the trimming of trees. In his youth, it would get so bad that he would find himself close to tears watching a father and son do something simple like drive in a car, shop in a store or hold hands as they ran through the leaves in a park. As he grew, the tears stopped and the sentimentality would manifest in stranger ways. One year, when he was 21 or 22, he spent the entire two week holiday break working at a Veteran's Hospital. He told no one where he was, he even lied to his mother saying that he was cramming for a class the following semester. Another year he was a Salvation Army Santa on the weekends and worked in a soup kitchen at night. There was something about the commercialism of the holiday that annoyed him probably because his life was so profoundly changed one Christmas Eve before he was even old enough to know that there was no Santa. Most years he just donated too much money to charities (without getting a receipt) or gave acquaintances profoundly personal and expensive presents. He felt that that was the only real generosity in the world, to give without any expectation of a returned gift. That was not really out of character for Harm as he would put his life on the line to save anyone, but it was more about time, money and thoughtfulness rather than about life and death. One year he gave the checkout girl at his supermarket a lamb's wool coat. They had been chatting for weeks about the weather and she had always complained about her coat. She was embarrassed, but Harm was able to charm her into taking it. He stopped shopping at that market the next day.

This year was another one of those INTENSELY sentimental years. He made no plans with his mother or his friends; he wanted to spend time alone. Much had happened in the previous twelve months and he needed some down time. About two weeks before the winter break, he found himself in a little boutique in Georgetown Christmas shopping. There was no one on his list that year, not even his mother, but he was shopping anyway. In the back of the store in a case in the corner he had found something that made him think of Mac. It wasn't that he was shopping for her, he just saw it and thought of her and wanted her to have it. Mac was becoming very important in his life and he wanted to acknowledge that. It was fairly expensive, but he didn't consider the price. It was not the most he had ever spent on a woman, but then again he wasn't dating Mac. It was however the most expensive piece of jewelry he had ever purchased. But as he wrote the check, the idea that he shouldn't get it, that Mac might be embarrassed or that it would send a message he didn't intend to send never crossed his mind.

He held on to it for two weeks and decided to give it to her on Christmas Eve. It was a little guilty pleasure of his knowing that he had something extraordinary for her and he was keeping it a secret. Waiting until Christmas Eve was not about ego or to show Dalton up. He knew she would more than likely have a date with Dalton or be preparing to go to New York, Florida or the Bahamas (wherever those six figure lawyers spent their holidays) and he really didn't want to ruin that. However it was important for her to have it on Christmas Eve – the night his father's plane went down.

He drove to her apartment to give it to her in person about an hour after she had left the office for the day. He could have given it to her there, but he wanted it to be private.

Mac answered the door on the third knock. She was still only half dressed and was annoyed that Dalton would show up early, he had to know how much she hated that particularly because she was never late. She had a whole host of reasons to be annoyed at Dalton and would let him have them all.

"Harm?" she was shocked.

"I'm sorry to bother you," he said a little sheepishly – he hadn't expected her state of undress. "Should I go?"

"No … please," she stepped back checking to make sure that she was properly covered. She knew she didn't have any make up on, that her hair was still wet and that her dress was open in the back, but she was for all intents and purposes – descent.

"A date with Dalton tonight?" He sounded sad.

"Yes," she was immediately embarrassed. There was no reason to be. Harm was nothing more than a friend, but for some reason she was sorry for Harm that she had to go out that night.

"Well … I won't keep you … I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and to give you a present."

"Oh," she flushed again. "I didn't think we were exchanging gifts," Mac stumbled out.

He smiled for probably the first time in weeks. "If that is your way of saying that you didn't get me anything … don't worry. This is more of a thank you gift anyway."

"What are you thanking me for?"

"A number of things," he said cryptically. "Defending me … hell believing in me during the murder trial, for keeping me honest in the Lane case, for coming back to JAG, for being my friend…" He looked at her soulfully. "For being in my life."

Mac was stunned. She had never believed that Harm was capable of such honest declarations of feelings. She had seen his vulnerable side, but never quite so close up and never directed at her. "I consider myself lucky," she said sincerely.

He nodded to the present. "You don't have to like it … in fact you can take it back."

She smiled. "Should I open it now?" He shrugged a nod. It was a simple emerald teardrop necklace with a tiny diamond chip to accentuate the sparkle of the stone. It was not a lover's gift, but it was far from a friend's gift. It was stunning. "Oh my," she held it up to admire it. "Thank you."

"Welcome," he moved to the door. "Merry Christmas, Sarah."

She followed him. "Harm?" she didn't know how to ask what the gift meant.

"I saw it and thought of you," he answered simply.

"Thank you," she leaned up to kiss his cheek.

He allowed it but let his hand slip around her waist to the small of her back. He held her close and turned the friendly hug into something more – more than even he was prepared for. He kissed her, and it was not a friendly Christmas kiss. He pressed her completely against his body and moved his hand to the exposed skin of her back and combed his fingers through her wet hair. It was electrifying to feel how exposed she was in his hands. There was no misunderstanding on either side what the kiss COULD have meant. If she were any other woman, that kiss would have led somewhere – probably to dawn. But as things were, he would not press it any further. He released her slowly, brushed some hair off her face and smiled. "Merry Christmas, Sarah," he said again and slipped from the apartment before she could respond.

Mac sunk into the nearest chair stunned by his actions and her reactions. Stunned by the intensity of both, stunned that she hadn't known how much she had wanted it until she was in the middle of it. Stunned that she was caught so off guard that she didn't stop it or stop it from stopping. She was pulled back to reality sometime later by Dalton's persistent ringing of both her cell and her home phone (why couldn't he just park and come up the stairs like a normal man, but that time she was glad he hadn't). She discovered that she still had the necklace clenched tightly in her hand with her other hand over her mouth as if she were preserving the feeling of Harm's lips on hers.

"Mac?" Dalton scolded. "I'm down stairs … been downstairs for 15 minutes … we have reservations."

She didn't want to go. She didn't want to see him. "Dalton, I'm sorry," she stated with very little remorse. "I am going to have to take a rain check on dinner," she told him. "I have a headache."

Dalton whined about the holiday and how difficult it was to get the reservations, but in the end Mac was able to dismiss him for the night and probably the next day – it was a bit of a fight, and if she cared to it would take some serious making up. She wasn't thinking about that.

She slipped into her silk robe (it made her feel sexier than her standard flannel PJs) and her new emerald necklace. It was a perfect color, size and chain length. The drop hit just the right spot in her cleavage, the spot where men loved to look when speaking to her and pretending to listen. She crawled between her crisp clean sheets and grabbed the phone off the night stand. She debated calling him for a solid half an hour. In the end she chose not to call. She would not mention the pendant, or the kiss – but Dalton was more than likely history, she would need to figure a way to let him know that she wore the pendant and she would have to find just the right moment to return the kiss. Maybe New Year's Eve. My, oh my … how outlooks can change with the blink of an eye.

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac **

Mac had canceled dinner - in fact the whole weekend with Dalton. It was Christmas Eve and she should want to be with her lover. He undoubtedly had some very expensive, generic present for her that he had had his secretary pick out (probably the exact same thing he gave the woman he was with each Christmas for the past five years). He would present to her at dinner with the dessert (would normally have been with the champagne but as she didn't drink he would have to pick another course). She would have been expected to admire his generosity, fawn over his taste and play the undeserving lover and then make it up to him in bed in the over the top suite he rented for the night. It was all so predictable, sad and really rather sleazy. She just wasn't in the mood.

She knew that it was only a matter of time before she had to pull the plug on the relationship. She had to admit the restaurants and hotel rooms were great, he gave her his undivided attention when they were together, called her constantly and actually listened when she spoke and the sex was pretty above par. Not all bad.

On the other hand, Dalton was morally depraved … or was it deprived? Nope, depraved. She looked it up: immoral, corrupt, decadent - that was Dalton to a TEE. She had convinced herself it didn't matter when she left JAG, that it would not touch her. She told him that she went back because she not liked the work she was doing at the firm, but that was not entirely true. True, Mac was a lot more than a brief writer. But it was also true that Mac was not a mercenary – and she didn't want to work for, with or around mercenaries. Of course that went for more than her work life – she didn't want that juice to spill over into her private time either. Hence the reason she canceled Christmas with Dalton.

Why hadn't she pulled the plug? Mac hated being alone particularly around the holidays. It amazed her that she was in the military and couldn't find a date (protocol and regulations aside); an organization that was predominantly male – single man. Was she or wasn't she above average looking? Not all men could be intimated by her rank and intelligence? Not all men were not worth the effort of a date? Wasn't there at least one man who caught her attention?

Harmon Rabb Jr. walked by her office. He was in discussion with Bud about something or other and they stopped just outside her door. She smiled to herself. Yes, there was at least one man who had caught her attention. In fact she had thought about Harm in THAT WAY, but he was just so damned arrogant, self-centered and he had an ego as big as all out doors. Not to mention the whole working together thing. He was probably not the man or even the type of man she would end up with, but she could see them … dating and more. One thing for sure, his morals were intact and very admirable. For that she had to believe that they would always be at minimum friends. She could trust him. She couldn't say that about Dalton. Mac let her mind wander down the new path. It was intriguing. His smile, his eyes and his passion for justice, his father and his career were very enticing – more than. What would it feel like to have that passion, that drive, hat determination directed at her? And what would she have to do to find out?

"Thought you'd have plans for the night," he asked stepping into her office after he noticed her watching him.

"I did," she stated quickly. "Had to cancel them.

"Had to?" he asked.

"No," she didn't want to tell him why. "When does your plane take off for San Diego?"

"Not till morning," he told her. It meant that they both had the next few hours free and one of them should ask about a friendly dinner. "Do you want to grab a bite to eat?" he offered hoping she would say no.

She smiled at him. If she really wanted to move past the whole "friend" and "colleague" thing, then it was her move. In the past she had checked every one of his adolescent advances, shut down all his misogynistic comments and basically dared him to make any kind of overture toward her. If anything were going to change, she would have to make the first move. "Thank you, but I think I am going to go home and wrap myself up in popcorn and a movie."

The image stilled him for a moment. Mac as a giant popcorn ball … he loved popcorn.

"You're welcome to join me," she offered loving the look on his face. "If you don't have other plans."

He did look interested, but was quickly reminded of the facts – he still had packing, shopping and was leaving in the morning, not to mention Dalton.

"Dalton won't be back until Monday," she answered his unspoken question.

His interest was piqued, but decided that the timing was bad. "I have some things I need to take care of tonight," he told her though there was nothing pressing he needed to do.

"Well … if you change your mind …," she walked up to him, and leaned up to give him a kiss. He leaned down to meet her and she turned a safe Christmas kiss into an open invitation to open more than just presents. Her hand slid up his chest to his neck and combed up his hair. She pressed her body against his. It was totally inappropriate considering their surroundings, but she didn't care. When she finally released him, she gave him a cryptic smile. "If you change your mind, I will be up for a while." She wiped at the lipstick on his mouth with her thumb and slipped away from him. "Merry Christmas, Harm," she tossed over her shoulder as she strolled away.

_**Do you want fries with that shake?**_

Harm was stunned, interested and oh so very aroused. He wasn't sure he should be feeling any of those things or if he should pursue any of them – but she opened the door – who was he not to walk through?

His phone rang and he answered it w/o looking at the ID. He was still watching Mac. "Rabb … Mom? … Actually Mom, something just …just came up. … Yes, I know … I need to cancel the flight. I will try to get out there in a couple of days. … Yes, this is very sudden … yes, I would say that it is important. … No ma'am, I won't spend Christmas alone." He hung up. "Not alone at all." He said to himself. He ran to catch up with Mac in the parking lot.

**Merry Christmas you two!!!!**

_**Imagine how different the last six and a half years would have been if either of these scenes was played out. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been six more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	15. Seasonal Kisses: S2 PreWe The People

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

**Season 2**

**Spoilers: 1996 – Midseason Replacement - No Xmas Episode that Year – Assume Christmas Eve.**

**Timeline: Post Season One / Pre Harm and Mac meeting in the Rose Garden in January 1997.**

**Assumption: Mac does not look like Diane and Harm's surprise as seeing her in the rose garden was due to something else.**

**A Kiss From Harm **

Harm stepped out of the reception in search of peace and quiet. Kendrick was relentless; she had been ever since the murder investigation into Diane's death. Harm was not sure what bothered him more: the fact that Kendrick was a bad officer or the fact that she didn't know how bad an officer she was. The fact that she wouldn't take "NO" for an answer was just annoying – of course he never said it in 'no uncertain terms' (he was not a fool; she could still help his career). He had spoken about her behavior to a friend from the academy (Sturgis Turner) and was advised to report her; at the very least she would get transferred. Of course the more real scenario was the he would get transferred and it would in effect stall his career. He had hopes for the New JAG. Chegwidden didn't seem like the kind of guy that would be oblivious to Kendrick, nor did he seem like the type to let it slide. He had already "promoted" Lindsey out of the office.

That night Harm had been compelled (if not ordered) to go to a Holiday reception at the Watergate Hotel. It was Christmas Eve so the people that were there were people without families, friends, loved ones or those people who were so into building a career they didn't want to miss a thing. Harm was none of those things. He could have flown home to see his mother, but he wasn't going to. He could have had a date for the holiday if he had thought to get one. Diane's death was still affecting his mood. It had been months prior and he had had a lot of time to reflect on their relationship. He made special effort not to romanticize it or make it more or less than it was. He liked her; he could have fallen in love with her. She was fun and smart and as career driven as he was. In the end, that may have been how they ended or it may have been what drew them together, but the reality was that they would never get to find out. But he did know that they would always be friends – so a minimum he lost a friend but he lost so much more. He lost hope for something more.

At any rate, Kendrick ordered him to go to the reception and to escort her. He had lied and told her that he had a date and couldn't break it. Kendrick was unphased and told him to **_bring her along_**. She didn't believe he had a date and wanted to catch him in a lie. Harm had avoided all talk of the mystery woman, but left every few minutes to check on her arrival.

He was hiding in a side lobby hoping to stay out of Kendrick's sight when he saw a woman arguing with a man outside the side door. It looked pretty heated. He didn't really want to interfere but he was clearly not going to let anything happen to the woman. He stepped outside, stood near them and pretended to try to get a signal on his cell phone.

"Hey buddy!" the man called. He was clearly drunk. "This is private."

"Pretend I'm not here." He smiled at the woman who was mildly amused at Harm's 'gallantry'.

The man tried to pull the woman further away and Harm saw that she did not need defending. She freed herself from the man's grasp and had his arm wrenched behind his back and down on the ground before the man knew what was going on. Harm nodded to her and turned away to give them a little privacy. He was still not planning on leaving, just in case.

"Larry … go home … I'm serious … take a cab … sleep it off … I don't want to see you until 0600 Friday."

"Mac," the man on the ground called.

The woman whistled for a cab which was there in seconds, looked like Harm was not the only one betting on the woman. Once the man was gone Harm turned back and put away his cell phone.

"Do you expect a 'thank you'?" she asked a little too harshly.

"Just making a phone call." Harm smiled at her. She was stunningly beautiful, but there was an edge to her that he just was not in the mood for. "Army?" he asked.

"Marines," she corrected.

He nodded. She seemed like a tough as nails jarhead – though there was something sad about her eyes that he was drawn too in spite of his mood. "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

"Why? You were just making a phone call."

He put up his hands defensively. "Being polite."

"An officer and a gentleman, I suppose," she smiled oddly at him.

"Forget it," he started back up the stairs to go back to the reception. "Just thought you would like to take a minute before you went back to whatever it was that you were doing here."

"He was not my boyfriend," she announced halting him from actually leaving. "Just somebody I work with who thinks that he has greater license to be a jerk when he drinks."

"I understand."

"Do you?" She pressed. "Do you know what it is like to have someone treat you like you are a piece of meat, to have him make all kinds of assumptions about you just by the way you look, to have someone who out ranks you push the boundaries of what is right just because he knows he is going to get away with it?"

"Intimately," Harm said under his breath thinking of his dealings with Kendrick. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"I mean how many times does one person have to say 'no' before it is heard." She actually stepped closer to him to keep her voice down. "Why does a woman have to be a bitch in order to get a man to listen?"

"It is unfair." Harm stepped toward her. "I hear they have rules against that sort of thing in the Marines."

"I might as well shoot myself in the foot or announce that I am a lesbian," she said dismissing his implication. "I am trying to make a career here, and making those kinds of waves will sink me faster than anything else. It's still run by old white men," she looked disgusted. "Old white men who don't want to hear that the female that they didn't want to enlist in the first place can't stand the heat," she shook her head. "What am I talking to you for … you probably hate the idea of woman in the military … you are one of THEM," she started to walk away.

Harm laughed.

She turned back. "What?"

"I had a partner that accused me of that not so long ago," he recalled Kate Pike. "I'll tell you what I told her … I have no problem with women in the military … I like serving with women … I like women."

"That is a misogynist's answer if I have ever heard one," she threw back at him.

"I am no misogynist."

"A chauvinist then," she quipped back. "The real question is: do you respect women?"

"I respect people," he shot back at her. "And last I heard … women are people."

She actually laughed at that warmly. "Most men don't think so."

He stepped closer to her. "I think most men do … it is just the ones don't seem to stand our more."

"Maybe you're right," her voice softened.

"It has been known to happen," he flashed a disarming smile.

"So what brings you out here?" she asked. "Clearly not to make a phone call and it can't be the weather," she wrapped her coat closer to her.

"Avoiding my CO," he explained.

"Avoiding?"

"She is a bit like your companion," he explained.

"Oh?" She was amused. It was hard to feel sorry for such a good-looking guy knowing that he probably pushed it with women. She smiled at the thought of him being chased around the desk by some middle aged overweight woman flexing her command muscle. "I'm sorry to hear that," she wasn't really sorry.

He had to laugh with her. "I'll bet you are," he shook his head.

She stuck out her hand to him. "Welcome to my world, Lieutenant."

"Thank you," he took her hand and held it in both of his and moved closer to her. "I think."

There was an electric connection felt between them. She didn't attempt to remove her hand, and he had no plan to let hers go. Their eyes were intent on each other and their voices were stilled. The moment was too precious to ruin with words.

Harm noticed Kendrick over Mac's shoulder. She was advancing on them. A feeling of panic overtook him. "You're a marine right?"

"I am," she told him confused by the question.

"And marines are known for thinking on their feet, right?" He didn't wait for an answer. Kendrick was too close. He pulled Mac to him and covered her mouth with his own. It started as a defensive move, but Harm quickly forgot that ploy when he felt her response. She folded completely into his embrace. It only lasted a long moment before Kendrick burst out the door. He released her hold on her, but didn't let her leave his side.

"Lt. Rabb." Kendrick scanned him up and down. "I see your date arrived – finally," she scanned the woman up and down too.

"Yes, ma'am." He was still a little affected from the kiss.

"Major Sarah MacKenzie." Kendrick announced. She looked back at Harm. "I wasn't aware that you two knew each other."

Harm was blown away that Kendrick knew her.

"Yes ma'am," Mac stepped up to help. "The Lieutenant and I have worked together in the past."

"When?" Kendrick looked back at Harm.

"Worked together might have been too strong a word for it," Mac explained. "We had a chance to meet in Japan on several occasions."

"I see," she was clearly annoyed.

Mac knew all about Kendrick and knew all about the ways she chased men. In fact there was a little discussion about it once when Kendrick was down at Quantico where she implied to Mac that is was a woman's right to give back to the men for all the woman that have suffered at their hands. Mac of course didn't disagree with her verbally, but she lost all respect for the commander after that.

Kendrick nodded and returned to the reception. As soon as she was out of sight, Mac pulled away from Harm and decked him.

Harm hit the ground hard. "Hey!" He said rubbing his jaw.

"That is for using me and kissing me with out permission … RED LIGHT lieutenant," she stated firmly.

"But…" He gestured to where Kendrick had gone.

"I know her … and if you are in her crosshairs, I pity you … but that does not give you the right to kiss me without permission," she was angry at herself more than Harm.

"No ma'am," he admitted. "Please accept my apologies ma'am," he asked.

"We are done here," she turned to walk away leaving Harm to get himself up.

He didn't. He watched her walk away from his position on the ground. He liked a woman with FIRE. He hadn't been so aroused by a woman in years. "Sarah MacKenzie," he repeated her name. He would get to know her better, he didn't know how or when … but he would.

**FLASH TWO WEEKS FORWARD**

"Do you two know each other?" The admiral asked when Harm looked stunned to see the major standing before him.

He grasped her outstretched hand. "Harm."

She returned the handshake and smiled. "Mac."

"It's nice to meet you," Harm said.

"It's nice to be introduced." She countered with a knowing smile.

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac **

Mac ran past a red corvette on the side of the road with its hood up. At first she didn't see the man under it. She could tell he was a sailor from his shoes and his cover on the ragtop.

"Need some help?" She called jogging in place.

"I got it," he slid out from under the car and his expression completely changed. Clearly his mind was off the car and on to her. "Pretty cold," he commented standing up slowly. "For a run."

Mac followed his line of sight to her chest. She was in normal running gear for the weather down to thick socks and gloves, but there was still little left to the imagination about her shape in her skintight body suit. "Yes it is," she stopped jogging and put her hands on her hips to give him a broader view. She had long since given up trying to get men to stop reacting to her body like hormonal teenage boys with their first copy of Penthouse or National Geographic. 'Let'em look' was her motto, 'cause they damn sure aren't gonna get to touch a thing without pulling back a bloody stump.' "I am headed to the base," she told him. "I can send someone back to help you," she offered. "A tow truck," she added glibly (talk about knowing how to deflate a man's … ego).

"No thanks," he held his ground and his ego. "The base, huh?" He smiled at her. "Your husband a marine?"

She laughed. "No." It was a 'guys' question to find out her marital status before making the next mistake of asking her out. So typical, but he seemed like a typical guy. He was too handsome for his own good, and clearly he knew it. He worked it well, and she might have been interested if he wasn't so GQ and Naval.

"I'm a runner," he told her. "You run everyday?"

"Everyday … six miles."

"Rain or shine?" He pressed.

"Rain or shine," she confirmed.

It was then that Harm knew she was a marine. "Ya know … I have been around the military for a long time, and I don't remember ever meeting a more … " He chose his words carefully and scanned her lustily up and down and back up again. "… dedicated marine."

She had to admit she liked being noticed by him. He had a way of looking at her that did not make her feel cheap. Is there such a thing as respectful lust? But it was the JAG insignia and the wings that caught her attention. She knew him … well OF him. "Pilot and Lawyer … you must be that poster boy for JAG."

"Excuse me?" He asked.

"Yeah, that lawyer that landed the F14 after it had been hit … saved the mission and the pilot's life," she snapped her fingers. "Yeah … Rimm … Rodd … Rabb … that's right … Harmon Rabb," she laughed like she had just told him his name was Rumpelstiltskin. The truth was her CO was a wannabe pilot and had posted the article from the Navy Times on the bulletin board as an example of what lawyers can do for the Navy. It was probably still up on the bulletin board a year or more later.

Harm squirmed. "You have me at a disadvantage."

Exactly how she like her men. "If you are alright then, I will get back to it," she started to jog off.

"Wait," he called after her. "I don't even know your name."

"What do you need my name for?" She kept running smiling to herself.

"Just need to know my future wife's name," were his last words but she was out of earshot. He had to laugh at himself. Not only would he probably never see her again, he had no intentions of ever getting married.

A short while later, Harm was on the road again. He was driving toward the base when he noticed a white truck swerve and nearly drive off the road. It was then that he saw why the truck had swerved. The woman … the runner that he had just been talking to was lying on the side of the road. He pulled over, but missed getting the license plate off the white truck. When he got to her, she was barely conscious and bleeding from a cut on her head. He dialed 911 immediately. She started to come around as he was hanging up.

"Don't try to move," he told her. "You have been hit by a truck."

She smiled. "No ... just clumsy," she tried to stand up but couldn't.

"Would you stay down?" he scolded her. "We don't know how badly you have been injured."

"What?" she protested. "I slipped on the ice … no big deal," she again tried to get up but was hit by a dizzy spell.

"What's your name?" He asked her.

"Harmon Rabb," she laughed.

"Your name," he corrected. "What is your name?"

"Pilot turned lawyer … " She looked at him. "You have very nice eyes … most pilots have beady eyes."

"Do you know what day it is?" He asked.

"It's Christmas," she shook her head. "Christmas Eve."

"Good … good." At least she knew what day it was. "What is your name?"

"Merry Christmas!" She shouted and threw her arms around him and kissed him hard.

It was then that the ambulance drove up. The EMTs set to work on her and Harm was pushed off to the side after they found out that he didn't know her name, didn't see what happened and basically was no use to them. They were able to suppose that she hadn't been hit, but they would take her to the hospital for Xrays and to be completely checked out.

Harm didn't get what hospital she was taken to, and could get very little information because he didn't know her name. Clearly she wasn't admitted. He would have pursued it further, but time got away from him.

**Three Weeks Later In the White House Rose Garden **

"Do you two know each other?" The admiral asked when both Harm and Mac looked stunned to see the other.

"Harmon Rabb," she stated as she extended her hand.

"Sarah MacKenzie," he repeated the name the Admiral gave him. "Nice to finally meet you," he grinned. "How's the head?"

Mac didn't remember much of the accident, but she did remember him helping and her kissing him. "Fine, just fine … thank you." She blushed.

"We need to go running some time," he said suggestively.

It was the start of an interesting relationship.

_**Imagine how different the last seven and a half years would have been if either of this was how Harm and Mac met. Maybe nothing would have changed, maybe there would not have been seven more years … but it is fun to think about on the holiday. Thanks for playing along.**_


	16. Seasonal Kisses: S1 Pre Mac

**Seasonal Kisses **

**By: LizD**

Written: Christmas 2006

The 10 chapters in the SEASONAL KISSES series will be as follows: two different scenes that could have (probably SHOULD have) happened and if they had they would have changed the course of JAG and the direction of the lives for our heroes. One scene shows how Harm could have altered the series at that point in time, and one for Mac. Inspired by the MULTITUIDE of missed many opportunities in the JAG series. Please enjoy.

Season 1

**Spoilers: 1995 – No Xmas Episode that Year – Assume Christmas Eve.**

**Timeline: Post Show Pilot / A Year prior to Ham and Mac meeting in the rose garden**

**Assumption: Mac does not look like Diane and Harm's surprise as seeing her in the rose garden was due to something else.**

**A Kiss From Harm **

**Pilot Bar - San Diego – Christmas Eve (Harm's Christmas with the Pendry's)**

"So … who's the new woman in Rabb's life?" Luke Pendry asked.

Harm chuckled. "You took that last good one." He took an embarrassed sip from his beer hoping his friend would not read the truth in Harm's words.

"Annie is not for you Hammer," he laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. "She needs a rugged fearless risk-taking man in the air … not some milk-toast paper-pushing pencil neck like you."

Harm smiled and took the ribbing well and hid behind his cigar but did not respond. He knew how terrified Annie was of Luke's flying, and felt that Annie would prefer that Luke be more like Harm.

"Strike a nerve?" he raised his glass to his friend. "Or do you still HONESTLY think you're in love with my wife?"

"She is that," Harm concurred. "YOUR wife."

"Hey buddy … you saw her first … if you wanted to take a run at her, you should never have introduced us."

"She worked at the Px … I didn't introduce you," Harm had to stop himself. It was hitting too close to home.

"What about your partner?" he leaned back. "She's cute."

"Meg?? She's a kid … and a junior," Harm was waved the idea off. "Strictly business."

"That'll change." Pendry offered. "Or you should get a new partner."

Harm looked toward the door as two women entered: one blonde and showy – completely his type and one dark, brooding and serious. Not his type at all, but still something about her drew his attention over the blonde.

"What about that Pike chic." Pendry asked. "Bet you two could wrinkle a few sheets."

Harm nodded. "Been there … done that … don't remember if there were sheets," he shrugged. "Almost missed duty on Monday morning … had a hard time walking for a few days too."

"So?" Luke pushed.

"Nah … she's a friend," Harm watched as the women took a table off to the side.

"What do they calls those?" Pendry smiled. "Friends with benefits?"

Harm looked at him askance. "Never heard that expression before."

"It'll catch on," he looked away. "Just remember you heard it here first."

"Right," Harm resumed his observation of the women across the room. It finally occurred to him why he was drawn to the dark one. "Is that …?"

"Nope." Luke corrected. "And you don't want to tangle with her," he told him.

Harm felt a challenge coming on. "Why not?"

"Marine … JAG like you … here for the Glendale Mishap … she's a bitch on heels … and hates pilots … in fact she hates pretty much everything Navy," he leaned in and whispered. "Heard she was a dyke."

Harm couldn't take his eyes off of her. "No one that beautiful ---,"

"Hey just repeating what I hear," he shrugged. "Beside you don't stand a chance in hell with her."

Harm cocked his brow and fell the full weight of his friends challenge. "Well … we'll see about that."

"You going in?" Luke slapped him on the back. "Twenty bucks says she splashes you."

"Twenty bucks says I bring her to dinner," he put out his hand. "Set another place at the table."

Luke grasped his hand firmly. "You are SO gonna lose."

"Name?" Harm slipped out of his flight jacket and stuffed it at Pendry. He was grateful that he was not in uniform.

"McBride … MacFarley … McConnell … MacKenzie … something like that." Luke shook his had. "She's on loan from Quantico."

Luke watched as Harm charmed his way into a seat at the table by talking to the other woman. He actually gave his 'object of desire' very little attention. It was a tactic. Luke moved closer to hear what was being said. Introductions were over and it was a lot of superficial talk about the holidays.

"What are you doing to celebrate the season?" He kept his eyes on the blonde but his attention was on the brunette.

The blonde giggled some response that Harm barely heard.

"And you?" He glanced at the other woman.

"Headed back to Quantico day after next."

"From Washington myself," he offered to which he got no response.

The blonde felt the attention waning from her so she did what women do when they want men to watch them; she did a hair flip, a pout, a coy statement about the powder room and then sauntered off hoping to give the guy a view from all sides and in motion.

She got many a man's attention but not Harm's. Luke couldn't stop watching her and he was happily married.

Harm turned his full attention on his target. "You two friends long?" he asked.

"Met her this week," Mac stated. "Work."

"You're JAG," he said almost as if he were accusing her of something.

"As are you," she threw back. "I know who you are Lt. Rabb … everyone knows who you are."

He grinned but he actually hated that people knew stuff about him. "Am I really that famous?"

"Infamous," she corrected. "My CO was unimpressed with your stunt on the Seahawk."

"Were you?" he queried.

"Do I need to be impressed by you Lieutenant?" She leaned back.

"Would make asking you to dinner easier," he flashed a toothy smile and let it go quickly.

"I'm sure it would … what about Bambi?" Harm looked confused. "My companion … the blonde," she nodded toward the bathroom. Bambi had just emerged but was engaged with a group of pilots who were trying to get her to play pool.

He looked over. "Don't think Bambi will notice we are gone."

"She might notice you."

Harm glanced back at Bambi who was being shown the proper technique for holding a cue by one of the guys. He had to wonder if she needed a rescue from the drooling hound dogs.

"Bambi can handle herself," Mac offered.

He looked back at Mac. "And so can you … so ... what about dinner … I am alone in town, you are alone in town … it's Christmas Eve … why don't two lonely people ---"

"Stop right there Lieutenant," she told him. "I never said I was alone in town and I never said I was lonely … as for it being Christmas … I don't really celebrate the holiday."

"Oh?" He didn't know how to ask if it were a religious thing or just didn't find the holiday appealing.

"Think what you want … thank you for the invitation, but I am not interested," she started to get up.

Harm put his hand on her arm gently to keep her there. "I think we got off on the wrong foot," he said sincerely.

She sat back down. "Why do we need to get off on any foot?" she asked. She was being overly resistant, but it was only because she knew he wouldn't be offput and she wanted to see how far he would go. It was a game she rarely played, but it was fun. He was fun.

He winced. "Now see … it's comments like that that get you the reputation you have."

Her ire was up. She knew her rep and she knew she needed it to get her job done – at least that is what she felt. "Reputation?"

"I was just trying to be nice … friendly to a fellow JAG officer in a war zone," he shrugged.

"San Diego is a war zone?"

"No … but a pilot's bar is … especially when you try to ground the air group over a simple mishap."

"What do you know about it?" She asked.

"Quite a bit … and I will tell you that the old adage about getting more flies with honey than with vinegar is true."

"The next time I'm trying to draw flies, I will remember that." She should have walked away after that little "zing", but she didn't. She was still in the game.

Harm felt he had won a minor victory. "I would be happy to discuss the case with you … give you a different perspective."

"Over dinner I image," she smiled at him.

He felt a thaw. "I think better when I eat."

"I am sure you do."

Just then there was a big commotion over by the door. One of the LARGER THAN LIFE regulars and Flying Ace had just walked in. He had ripped the mistletoe off the overhang by the door and was waving it about. It had become a tradition – if not Naval, at least in this Ace's mind – to 'pass the mistle'. The idea was that the holder of the mistletoe would find a likely candidate to kiss. The kiss could be any where between a safe air kiss to a not-ready-for-prime-time kiss depending upon the two people involved and their level of alcohol. Then the kissee would inherit the mistletoe and go in search of her own victim – usually it was just the person sitting next to the holder of the 'toe. Harm laughed. He had seen this before usually when only a few women were present. It was always good for a laugh. The whole place got into it, lots of ooohs and aaaahs, clapping and booing. He looked back at Mac; she didn't look amused. Before he knew it, Bambi was tapping him on the shoulder and planting a kiss on him that was clearly meant for more. He resisted and was booed.

Harm wiped his mouth and took possession of the mistletoe. He turned to Mac with the mistletoe held aloft.

'Don't even think about it' said her eyes, but she didn't move.

Harm leaned in very closely, whispered something very softly. She offered her cheek to him and he turned it at the last second and surprised her. The hoots, hollers and cheering was deafening. The kiss was just shy of not-ready-for-prime-time. For a moment she actually looked like she was enjoying it. Then the scene changed. Luke saw Harm pull away and stiffen up. It was too late. She had grabbed his FULL beer and dumped it in his lap. Harm stood up revealing a little more than he wanted to the bug-eyed crowd.

Pendry couldn't help but laugh. "Damn Hammer!" He shouted over to him. "Didn't know you flew commando." The whole bar erupted in cheers. And Mac actually looked pleased with her self.

He acknowledged her besting him, handed her the mistletoe and returned to his friend at the bar.

"Note to self," Pendry started. "Get Rabb some briefs … and a couple pair of tube socks."

Harm laughed and handed Luke the $20. "She likes me," he said in defense of losing the bet.

"I could tell." Luke just scanned him up and down. "Told you she would splash you."

"Her name is Sarah MacKenzie." Harm looked back at her; he was slightly shamed.

Sarah MacKenzie on the other hand still looked very pleased with herself. She handed the mistletoe off to the man seated at the table next to her who refused a kiss and offered her a handshake instead. The game continued.

Harm ordered two more beers for him and Luke and two drinks for the ladies. "We'll meet again," he raised his glass in her direction. "You can bet your life on that."

She just smiled. Little more than a year from then, Harm would see that smile fade as they faced each other in The Rose Garden at The White House being introduced as new partners at JAG.

**x x x X X ~ OR ~ X X x x x **

**A Kiss From Mac**

**The Bahamas**

Mac padded up the sand from the beach to the bar. It was near empty - the bar that is, the beach was completely deserted, as it should have been on Christmas Eve at midnight. There was a young couple who were so completely engrossed with each other a hurricane would not have disturbed them (they should have gone back to their room). There was an older couple who clearly hadn't moved from the seats they were in since long before sunset – their bar bill would be larger than the room rate. They were engaging a man about Mac's age who was clearly handsome, good natured and more tolerant than Mac ever would have been. She ordered her drink and sat off to the side looking toward the ocean.

She was hoping to slip into her own thoughts – to wallow in her own sorrow - but the older couple was just a little too loud. They were good-natured enough – even if they were drunk. Mac was able to determine that his name was Hollis (Hollie) and her name was Roberta (Berta), they were from Madison Wisconsin and had only been married for three years. It was a second marriage for both and they each had teenage kids from a previous marriage that didn't get along with each other nor with the new stepparent. Hence the reason they were on the islands for the Holidays by themselves. Hollie had been a Navy pilot in WWII, but actually never flew a mission. He trained the other pilots. That was the connection they had to the younger man. The best she could tell, he was a pilot – or had been for the Navy as well. They kept calling him Hammer, but she didn't think that was his name.

They tried to engage Mac a couple of times, but she just smiled and moved further away. Hollie and Berta hatched a plan for Hammer to woo the single woman over to the party. The young man didn't want to bother her, but it was a way for him to get away from them. He walked over to her.

"Merry Christmas," he said softly.

Mac looked up into his tender green eyes. "Thank you," she said simply.

"They don't mean any harm," he explained. "They are just happy and in love and it makes them generous."

"As does the alcohol," she said snidely.

He nodded. "That too."

She looked over at the older couple. They were in a whispered conversation to each other; clearly she and the young man they sent to do their bidding were forgotten. Mac felt a pull at her heart. She was jealous of them; envious of their happiness and their generosity. Mac was too young to give up the idea that she would ever have that same kind of happiness, but she had no reason to believe she would ever find it.

"Anyway … Merry Christmas."

He looked back up at the couple who were still totally engrossed. He nodded to the bartender and walked away toward the water. Mac was surprised to see him leave. She saw him take a seat about 100 yards down the sand and look out over the moonlight sea. She decided to take her leave before she became the object of someone's interest.

She walked in the opposite direction that the man had gone. She really did want to be alone. She found a quiet cove and sat down to think and plan what the coming year would bring. She had moved passed Christmas and was taking care of her New Year's resolutions early.

About an hour later the man from the bar was walking toward her – at least in her general direction. She couldn't help but feel connected to him. They were two reasonably attractive adults, alone on the islands on Christmas.

"Merry Christmas," she called to him.

He clearly had not noticed her there, but smiled sweetly when he realized who she was.

"Waiting for Santa?" he asked moving toward her.

"Nah … just not tired I guess," she lied. She was exhausted, but it wasn't the kind of exhaustion that can't be cured by sleep.

"So," he squatted down near her. "Can I ask?" She cocked her head. "What is a nice girl like you doing alone on a stunningly beautiful Christmas Eve – Christmas Morning - like this?"

She smiled and shook her head. "Boring story," she told him.

He sat down. "Bore me."

His smile was so disarming that she found herself telling him things that she would not normally tell a man that she didn't know. She told him that she had broken up with a man just after Thanksgiving, that it was really no big deal, but a friend had concocted a plan to go to the islands for the Christmas holiday to get him completely out of her system. She agreed because she had nothing better to do and a warm, sunny girls-only holiday sounded much better than ice and snow. Of course her friend had hooked up with a man on the plane on the way down, so she had spent the week pretty much by herself.

"So you are headed back tomorrow?" he asked.

"I am."

"That's too bad … I just got here."

"And why are you alone?"

He explained that he was expecting to have a date for the holiday, but at the last minute she had canceled. Apparently she was getting married on New Year's Day and felt that Christmas on the islands with another man would not make her future husband happy.

"So you came anyway?"

He shrugged. "Sure … Sunny … warm."

They fell into easy conversation after that. It was not about jobs or history, it was more about perceptions and dreams, opinions and views of the world. They weren't always in agreement, but often they were. It was all very nice and very safe. They shared secrets and dreams the way people who don't expect a future might. They were honest with each other and with themselves. They talked until the sun came up and knew everything and nothing about each other.

"Can I take you to breakfast?" he asked.

She would have liked that. She would have liked to have been able to cancel her return and spend the next seven days talking with him – and more. "I am sorry," she truly was. "I need to get back. Duty calls."

He cocked his head. It occurred to him that he had no idea what her name was, where she was going home to and why she would use an expression like 'duty calls'. Was she in the military too? "Duty?"

She smiled and stepped close to him. "It was a pleasure speaking with you," she touched his face. "I will remember this night as the best Christmas I have ever had," she leaned up and kissed him. She had no expectation of every seeing him again, and that was OK. It was better than OK, because all her relationships ended in disaster so there was no reason to think this one wouldn't. She decided to let it be what it was: one night of talking and listening and connecting with another person. It was perfect. It was the liberty she felt at knowing that she would never see him again, that allowed her to kiss him good-bye; which he more than returned. It was not a safe chaste kiss, it was deep and penetrating – one that left her weak and would wake her on lonely nights filled with desire wondering if their paths would ever cross again.

As she walked away not looking back, she had no idea that little more than a year later, they would be thrown together and expected to work together. She would need to learn to work with a man who knew her secrets as she knew his, and to live with the object of desire within arms reach that needed to be kept there.

_**Imagine how different the series might have been if Harm and Mac knew from the outset that they were destined for each other and didn't fight it – or at least not seriously.**_


	17. Christmas: Carroll's Christmas

Title: A Christmas Carroll

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2006**

**Spoilers: 20 Months Post Season Finale **

**Coin Toss Result: Void**

**December 22, 2006**

**MacKenzie Residence**

**San Diego, California**

Harm paused before knocking.

He had no idea what he was going to say to her but there was no reason for him to be anxious. They weren't estranged ex-lovers, ex-friends or ex-anything. In fact they were close, closer than they ever had been in spite of the time and distance that had separated them. They would always be glad to see each other – that was a given. They had parted – at least physically – nearly two years prior. They had finally accepted without question the limitations of their relationship and rejoiced in the knowledge that it was not an end for them, just another beginning. Their final vows – though not of marriage – were of never losing the connection regardless of what the future held for them individually (nearly as impossible to keep as a marriage vow). They were friends in the deepest sense of the word; friends who would selflessly have the other's best interest at heart (that was definitely a step farther than they ever had been).

So what if they hadn't actually spoken in weeks. So what if the bombshell Sarah had dropped actually shook him to his boots. Nothing had actually changed and nothing should. He was dropping by a 'friend's' house because he was in town – there was nothing odd, suspicious, or out of the ordinary about that. The fact that he was coming home for the holidays for the first time in more than 20 years was totally unrelated. The fact that he had flown over 6000 miles with one thought on his mind – to see Sarah – was not as Country Western as it sounded. Of course he would see her. It was no big deal. The fact that he didn't call first only proved how close they really were and how unaffected he was by her news. Friend Harm was dropping by Friend Mac's place to say 'hello', Merry Christmas, to give her a present and wish her a very Happy New Year – a new year that would necessarily test their friendship. He was not concerned about losing the connection. He was concerned that he hadn't "tested well" in the past in these types of situations and he wanted to be the person he promised he would be. He was about to push the first 'in the flesh meeting' and it would be the test for the newfound connection.

He paused before he knocked.

Deep breath.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

It was then that it occurred to him that he did not have a present for her, at least not one that he could give her any more.

A woman answered the door – not Sarah. He was unprepared for that. Her eyes were dark, reflecting pools of the past; her hair was flaxen forming a golden halo around her head. Her smile was knowing and inviting. Though he had never met her before, she was familiar and she looked right through him.

"Captain," she said easily though he was out of uniform.

"Hello," was all he could muster before his voice failed him.

"Who is it, Carroll?" Mac called from the other room. "It better not be Jared."

"Carroll," Harm let her name slip off his lips. He didn't recall knowing anyone named Carroll.

"Nope … too tall for Jared," she returned the call never taking her eyes from Harm.

"To tall? So who …" Mac continued.

Harm looked toward the hallway as Sarah emerged. The skirt of the wedding dress rustled as she came around the corner. It was only half pinned and she was holding it awkwardly off the floor. Harm's throat went dry, mysterious Carroll forgotten. She was beautiful. Harm had never imagined her in a wedding dress before, but it wouldn't have held a candle to the sight before him.

"Harm?" Mac was nothing but surprised.

"Yes, ma'am. Harm." Carroll confirmed. "Harmon Rabb … Jr. … Captain. The one that got away … the one that walked away," she spoke as if she knew him – knew them, as if she were expecting him.

"Harm - you are here," Mac stated trying not to be embarrassed by the situation – there should have been no need.

"I'm sorry… I didn't call," her voice sent a jolt down his spine to his toes. "Took a chance."

"Don't be silly," she glanced at Carroll briefly. "Is everything OK?"

"Fine … fine … I was just in the neighborhood," he laughed at the truth of that statement. "I'm here to spend the holidays with my mother, and thought I would drop by to say Hello."

"You didn't tell me you were coming," she stated.

"Last minute decision," he explained. "Thought maybe we could grab some coffee or lunch …" He swallowed hard. "Dinner with Jared while I am here."

"Sure. Great. Anytime," she stepped toward him.

"Good. Great," he was at a loss.

"Why don't you come in for some coffee now, Captain Harmon Rabb." Carroll's voice calmed both of them almost instantly.

"Oh ... sorry," Mac said as if remembering her manners. "Harm this is Carroll Geist … she is my … my …"

"Wedding planner," Carroll offered with a subtle dryness.

"Fairy Godmother is more like it," Mac quickly tried to cover up the fact that she was getting married (in case the dress wasn't enough evidence) and had need of a wedding planner though she actually didn't remember hiring Carroll for the job.

Harm and Carroll exchanged a quickly hello. "Well, I didn't mean to interrupt," Harm looked back at Sarah hoping she would say or do something to help him pass the test.

"No … it's fine … really," she was trying, but not succeeding.

"I'll call you … tomorrow … we can pick a day," he offered.

"I could change and we could go now," she scrambled. She didn't like the idea that he was leaving so soon.

"No … please," Harm stated. "As you were … I am here for ten days … I am sure we can find some time," he stepped back and Mac came up to the doorway.

"Are you sure?"

"Very," he wanted to say that he hadn't seen his mother yet nor had he had a chance to unpack, shower or wash off the flight but that would have made him too desperate to see her (which he was). "I'll call you tomorrow … we can set up a time."

"Ok," she agreed.

He started to turn away, but felt that he had to make some comment or it would fester. "You look …" he hugged her. "You are beautiful Sar - Mac."

"Thank you," she felt herself flush.

"Congratulations, again," he kissed her cheek turned away before she had a chance to see how insincere his well wishes were.

"Call me tomorrow at the office," she called after him.

"Will do," he waved over his shoulder.

With that he was gone.

"Surprised to see him?" was Carroll's question to Mac when she closed the door.

"That's Harm … always doing something unexpected."

"Stopping your wedding in the middle was pretty unexpected," Carroll stated as if she were there.

"The proposal was unexpected, but I don't blame Harm for that," Mac hadn't remembered telling Carroll anything about Harm but she must have. She had told no one of what really happened at their interrupted wedding after the coin was tossed.

"Why did you let that happen, Sarah?" Carroll asked. "Why did you allow your wedding to be interrupted?"

"Interrupted?" she tried the word on. Yes, that was what happened, it wasn't like the wedding was stopped, called off or canceled; it was interrupted – paused, if you will. It would be resumed later. But if she were getting married to someone else, could she really expect Harm to stay on hold?

Mac let the memory seep back.

**--- F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K ---**

**April 29, 2005 **

**Office of the Justice Of The Peace**

**Alexandria Virginia**

Sarah and Harm stood hand in hand before the justice. He spoke slowly and deliberately. They listened to every word.

"Should anyone here show just cause why these two should not be joined, let him speak now or forever hold his peace," he paused.

It was an odd pause. There was no one in the room but Harm, Sarah, the justice and his aide. Yet the pause went on. They looked at each other probably for the first time since that evening began not as new lovers, not as proposed partners for life, but as two people with profound affection and love for each other.

Almost in sync both relaxed.

"It's not fair," Sarah stated reluctantly.

"No … it's not fair," he agreed.

"I want this," she asserted.

"As do I," he confirmed as he shook his head and braved his next comment. "But not like this."

"No, not like this," she agreed.

"I have never loved anyone they way I love you," he turned to fully face her. "But this is not the way it should be."

"I know," she touched his face grateful for his courage to stop it.

Harm leaned down and kissed her.

"Excuse me," the justice interrupted. "Am I to proceed?"

Harm and Sarah shook their heads, thanked him for his time, and left hand in hand.

**--- E-N-D---F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K ---**

**December 23, 2006**

**Burnett Residence**

**San Diego, California**

Harm said little or nothing to his mother about his reason for the visit; he did not mention seeing Sarah or her engagement. Trish did not accept that he was just home for the holidays, but loved her son and any reason to get him home was fine with her.

Harm didn't sleep much and was up before dawn. After checking in with his staff in London, he went for a run. He was nearly at the three-mile mark when he noticed Carroll standing at the next bend. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought she was waiting for him. He could have pretended that he didn't recognize her, but her bright smile and his reflex return belied that – and the fact that they were the only two on the path at that hour.

"Morning," she called to him.

"Morning," he slowed to walk. She kept pace.

"Scouting locations," she offered as an explanation for being there.

Harm looked out over the vista. It was his favorite path along the water with some fantastic views. "The sunsets here are beautiful," he confirmed.

"I prefer sunrises," she stated. "The start of the day holds so much more promise. Guess that is why I am a wedding planner … I like the hope that weddings represent. Two people agreeing to share their lives, to meet obstacles together and survive them, through good times and bad times … selflessly giving to each other until the day they part. Very hopeful."

"I bet it's hard to find a couple who wants their wedding at sunrise," he laughed but felt the little jab she had just given him. "Hard on the guests."

She nodded. "I understand you introduced Jared and Sarah," her statement felt like an accusation.

"In a manner of speaking … in directly … I guess," Harm defended. "I knew him briefly in London, he got transferred to San Diego, so I suggested that he look Mac up."

"You have other friends in San Diego … family."

Harm didn't get what she was driving at.

"Did you think they would be a good couple – did you think that you could ease your guilt?"

"Guilt?" Harm wasn't as offended as he should have been. Carroll's questions and intimate knowledge of the situation should have had red waving flags at him but there was something safe about her manner.

"Sarah doesn't like being alone – she doesn't do it well," Carroll continued. "You know that."

"Mac is --," he was starting to defend her but the statement was dead on.

"Why do you call her 'Mac' when you think of her as 'Sarah'?"

"Excuse me?" he was thrown.

"You stopped thinking of her as 'Mac' – your colleague, your partner, your friend – years ago, yet you continue to call her Mac."

"Habit," he stated.

"No … not a habit … it's a conscious choice," she told him. "Do you imagine that it protects you or her?"

Harm had stopped thinking of Sarah as 'Mac' – that was true. And it was also true that he chose to call her Mac to maintain the illusion of a casual relationship. And it was also true that he remembered the exact night it happened. It was the night of their wedding ceremony that suspended.

**--- F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K---**

**April 29, 2005 **

**The Four Seasons**

**Washington, DC**

Harm let Sarah precede him into the room. There was no discussion as to where they would go when they left Alexandria. It was supposed to be their wedding night. It was supposed to be the night they physically confirmed the love they shared and discussed how to 'make it work' together in either London or San Diego. They had allowed themselves less than 18 hours to fix the misunderstandings of the past years, to map out a future that had been decided by a coin toss that they could both live with and (of course) seal that all with long over-due love making. So naturally they would go to their honeymoon suite – all the arrangements had been made – even if the honeymoon were technically delayed. It wasn't as uncomfortable for them to be there as one might have thought. The plans had changed very minimally. The only real difference was that they now had to discuss how to 'make it work' with 6000 miles between them and to define what 'it' meant.

The first item on the agenda was the love making. Neither could take a chance that what they might say about their future affecting their next encounter. They had waited too long and were unwilling to let it go so easily. The first time, in his apartment, had been desperate, impetuous and quick (not unlike the proposal and the 'leave it to fate' agreement). Like kids at Christmas, they had ripped open all the packages to take stock of the 'haul' without taking time to appreciate and admire each gift. That night, in their honeymoon suite, it would be slow, adoring and filled with love. They had expected to be wedded, the fact that they weren't didn't affect their desire to connect in such an intimate way. In the end it was more about giving than receiving. It was more about rejoicing in what they had, than in what they thought they lost.

It was in that first kiss when Harm ceased to think of Mac as 'Mac' or a marine, his partner, his colleague, his friend or his adversary. She was simply 'Sarah'. There were no other words needed to describe her. There were no words he found to describe what he was feeling for her. She would forever be Sarah no matter what the future held. She would always be a part of him, a part of his heart, a part of his soul. They didn't need any of the other trappings: they were one – final one whole unit in spite of the time and distance that was about to separate them physically.

It was as profound for Sarah. In his eyes that night, in his caress and soft words whispered in the dark, in his kiss, she had finally found her home; a home that grounded her and gave her the strength to leave.

**--- E-N-D---F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K---**

**December 23, 2006**

**Burnett Residence**

**San Diego, California**

Harm stepped out of the shower still thinking about the conversation he had with Carroll. The last night with Sarah in Washington was freshly revived in his mind. His mother knocked on his door told him that she was leaving for work and that Mac was waiting in the living room.

He dressed quickly.

"Hi," he called to her. "Did Mom offer you coffee?"

"She did," Mac raised the cup. "How was your run?"

"Warm," he laughed. "Don't get this kind of weather in London in the dead of summer."

A silence fell over them. Neither wanted to chitchat but neither knew how to start the conversation. They weren't nervous or anxious, but they weren't all together comfortable either.

"Let's go outside," he gestured toward the pool area.

When they reached the edge of the yard away from the house, Mac turned toward him. "It's really good to see you," she said with a little quake in her voice.

"It has been a long time since we were actually in the same time zone," he confirmed.

"Too long," she stated.

He stepped up to her and pulled her into a safe embrace. "I have missed you, Sarah," he said easily.

At the sound of her name she relaxed into him. 'We haven't lost the connection,' was the thought that eased her mind.

They pulled back enough to look into each other eyes. Without concern for location or anyone else in the world, they kissed. It was as if no time had passed. They were back in the suite at the Four Seasons in Washington the night of the proposal, the coin toss and the wedding they didn't finish. Like that night, the first item on the agenda was to connect physically. Harm led her back through the empty house, to his room where they made love without discussion, without remorse and without guilt as they had the first time.

**--- F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K ---**

**April 30, 2005 **

**The Four Seasons**

**Washington, DC**

The morning light had crested the horizon hours before. Neither Harm nor Sarah wanted to recognize the time, the day or what would become of them. The call had been made to Creswell to cancel the resignation. The call had been made to the Roberts' to get the word out about the interrupted nuptials. No one was surprised – in fact it had been expected. It was too impulsive for our heroes, not like them at all.

"They knew," Mac stated when she hung up from Harriet.

"They knew nothing," Harm said caustically. "Our life … our happiness … and how we find it has nothing to do with them … it should not – IT CANNOT – be about what please others … it should be on no one's time table but our own."

"You are preaching to the choir," she stated. "I just need to know one thing … from your perspective."

"What is that?"

"Is this an ending for us?" she braved.

Harm's response was over sentimental and very sweet, and she returned it – but she wasn't sure she believed it.

**--- E-N-D --- F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K ---**

**December 23, 2006**

**Burnett Residence**

**San Diego, California**

That morning in his arms at his mother's house, Sarah finally had an answer that she believed.

Harm pulled her close as he spooned up behind her. He didn't want to see her face, to look into her eyes as they spoke. He didn't want to see what he could not fix.

"Are you OK?" he asked softly.

She sighed. "If you are asking if I regret being here with you like this, the answer is No."

"Will it change things?" he asked not sure of the answer he was looking for.

"How do you want me to respond to that?"

He sighed. "I don't know … you will have to help me here."

"I don't know if I can," she said after a moment. "I don't know if you will like what you hear."

"I understand … I --," he lost his thought.

"Harm … these past months … since we have been separated we have talked through everything from our past, all our miscommunications, all our misunderstandings," she said quickly. "I know you - love you as I never have." She paused for a long slow inhale and exhale. "That alone has made it safe for me."

"Oh," he assumed she had found closure with him that allowed her to move on with Jared.

She felt his disappointment. "I asked you once before if there was an ending for us."

"And I promised you then … as I promise you now … there will never be an ending for us."

"You said," she turned to him. "And I quote … **_as long as I live and breathe, there will be no end to us_**."

"You returned the sentiment," he confirmed.

"I did," she smiled slightly. "So nothing had changed."

**JAG Headquarters**

**San Diego, CA**

Mac stood when Jared entered. They exchanged a chaste kiss. "I heard Rabb was in town," he opened without affect. Jared knew Harm, knew about Mac's feelings for him and his for her and yet he still asked Mac to marry him.

"I told you that this morning," she defended. At least she thought she had. She still felt that what Harm and she had shared that morning was personal, private and should have no affect on her relationship with Jared. She honestly believed that Jared felt the same way. It wasn't some tricky bit of rationalization that brought her to that conclusion. It was just a plain and simple fact: Harm was a fact in her life, and the emotional and physical closeness they shared was also a fact – currently and more than likely in the future. Any man who wanted to share her life would need to understand and accept that. It was also a fact that Harm was 6000 miles away and that didn't look to be changing.

"Carroll told me," he stated flatly.

"Carroll told you what?" Mac didn't know how Carroll and Jared knew each other, but she had a feeling that Jared was the one that had brought Carroll into their lives.

"That Rabb was in town and had dropped by your house last night when you were having your dress fitted."

"He is home to visit his mother for the holidays," she stated.

"Is he?" he asked. "Had nothing to do with you and our plans to get married?"

Mac didn't respond. She would not defend or justify her relationship with Harm to anyone – including the man she had agreed to marry.

"Are you still in love with him?" he asked – again with no obvious tone.

"I will always love Harm," she reminded him. "We discussed this before we agreed to get engaged."

"We did," he confirmed. "And you still do not see a future with him as anything other than friends?"

Mac looked down. She could no longer felt that there was no future with Harm. That morning told her that a future for them was only a decision away.

"I see," he said.

"Jared …" She started.

"Don't apologize, Mac," he smiled. "We have been nothing but honest with each other. I knew what I was getting into; I have no regrets."

"I don't know that anything has or will change," she asserted. "For Harm or for me."

"No?"

"If the geography were to change between us, there would be little that would prevent us from pursuing something that we have both wanted and never allowed ourselves to have before," her honesty was as refreshing as it was harsh. She tried to soften it. "But I don't know that the geography will ever change."

"Why not?"

"I'm not sure, really," she said. "But there is a reason for it that neither Harm nor I are willing to address and that has to say something about our relationship."

"Yes it does," Jared said simply. "But you see why that changes things for me."

Mac nodded. "I do."

**Christmas Eve **

**The Shore**

Dinner was very good. Jared didn't make it. Mac had given the excuse that he had some work that needed to get done and since it wasn't his holiday so he didn't mind working late on Christmas Eve. Of course the real issue was that they had broken up so he wouldn't have come to dinner in any event. So it was just the two of them at a very romantic place on the water. Afterward they took a long walk down the beach. Silence fell over them as they walked.

Harm stopped and looked to the water. Sarah turned back and waited for him to speak. "I am happy for you, Mac," he stated

She shook her head. How was she supposed to tell him he shouldn't be without making him feel guilty? It wasn't fault. She chose to be with him that morning and she chose to not hide it from Jared and she chose to allow Jared to end it. She was OK with all that had happened even if it did mean that she would go back to being alone and in love with a man 6000 miles away.

He stepped toward her and took her hands in his. "What I mean to say is that I want to be happy for you."

She smiled but didn't say anything.

"Tell me that you are in love and I will happy for you," he cupped her cheek.

She leaned into his caress. "I am in love."

The words nearly broke his heart.

She spoke quickly to prevent him from pulling away. "I was settling for Jared," she breathed. "He knew that – hell he was settling for me."

"Settling?" he cocked his head. "Was settling?"

"Not settling for him over anyone else … settling on him over being alone," she stated clearly.

Harm stepped back. "That is my fault, isn't it?"

"No. It's mine," she closed the distance between them. "Jared knows about us."

"What does he know?"

She smiled. "He knows that I love you. He knows that we are close. He knows that we had a rocky history trying to figure out a relationship. And he knows that when we finally got in front of an alter we walked away – together."

"Does he know about yesterday?"

"Yes … at least he assumes."

Harm pressed on. "Does he also know that if the geography was to change between us, that nothing would prevent us from pursuing something that we both want and never allowed ourselves to have before."

Her heart skipped as her own words came back at her. "Do you know that?"

"I know that as sure as I know that you have never been out of my head, my heart, my soul since our last night in Washington." He kissed her lightly at first but the intensity of the moment and her response gave him the courage to go further.

The kiss left her breathless.

"I am finally ready to accept that – own it … make it a priority in my life," he said. "I have resigned my commission."

"What?"

"No strings," he explained. "I am a free man, I can go anywhere in the world and do anything I want."

"I see."

"I did it for me … for my future," he brushed some hair off her face. "I won't promise you any thing that I haven't already and I won't get in the way if that is not enough for you."

"I don't understand."

"If you are settling on this marriage because it is what you need at this point in your life, I will do nothing to prevent that, in fact I will do everything in my power to make that a good life for you."

"By staying away?" she asked.

"By keeping our relationship long distance," he explained. "And by supporting the marriage."

"You think I would break my marriage vows?" she asked.

"I think you might think about it and that is enough to cause a rift in a marriage," he kissed her again. "I won't do that to you … not again."

"So it is up to me to ask you to come to here or not come here."

"Here is relative, Sarah," he smiled. "I could go to Anchorage Alaska or Timbuktu and there is nothing preventing you from going there too."

"Is that what you want?" she asked. "Do you need me to sacrifice as much as you have?"

"I don't consider resigning my commission as a sacrifice," he added, "at this time."

"You did two years ago."

"Two years ago I was just made Captain and we had gone from barely speaking to getting married." He stated honestly. "Yes, it would have been a sacrifice – had I lost the coin toss."

"Lost and Won are relative."

"And deciding the fate of two people by the toss of a coin was a way to avoid doing the hard work a relationship requires," he smiled. "Two years of long distance phone calls, e-mails and snail mail was more than likely not the most expedient way to accomplish that goal, but it worked."

"You think so?"

"I do," he stated simply.

"Why don't we take this one step at a time," she returned the smile.

"And what would that first step be?"

"You have family in San Diego. You have friends," she stated rationally. "It would be very easy for you to find work here in any field you wanted to pursue."

"All of that is true," he took a deep breath before he asked the next question. "Jared?"

"A good man, who helped me see that being with someone doesn't prevent you from being alone – in fact it can make you feel more alone."

"Do I know everything?" he asked.

"You know I love you," she smiled.

"Is there anything else I should know?"

"You should know that I am in love with you," she let the smile slip from her face so he would know how serious she was.

They kissed again both feeling like they had come to a good decision and would not take impulsive steps toward a future together.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."

"Merry Christmas, Harm."

**Christmas Eve **

**The Shore – One Year Later**

"Have I told you how beautiful you looked today?" Harm wrapped his arms around her from behind and nuzzled her neck.

"Many times," she leaned into him. "It was a very nice ceremony."

"Too many people," he said playfully.

"They are our friends," she pulled his hand to her lips and kissed the new wedding band that adorned it.

"True … and I like them all," he nodded. "But I prefer small gatherings."

"You prefer intimate gatherings," she laughed.

"Two is perfect for an intimate gathering."

"Won't be two for long," she cooed.

He let his hands rest on her slightly swollen abdomen. "Five months … I have five more months with you alone," he turned her in his arms so he could look into her eyes. "I hope she has my looks and your brains," he kissed her.

**Elsewhere On The Shore**

"Well done." Jared stated. He was leaning on the boardwalk railing watching Harm and Mac on the beach.

"Well done yourself." Carroll returned.

"Took us long enough." Jared turned toward her.

"That coin toss should have worked," she shrugged.

"Too easy," he shook his head.

"I guess I should have known better with these two."

"So who is up next?" he took her arm and started walking her away.

"Got another military draw … Air Force this time."

"Please … don't tell me they have separate duty stations too."

"Yep … Washington and Colorado."

"You got that coin? … heads I get Colorado."


	18. Christmas: Drink A Cup Of Joy

**Title: Drink A Cup Of Joy**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2004**

**Spoilers: New Year's Eve (After _Four Percent Solution_)**

**1616 LOCAL**

JAG Headquarters

Harm watched the thick snow pile up outside, the snow that had canceled his plans for the weekend. He was supposed to go to Blacksburg to ring in the New Year with Mattie, her father and the new boyfriend Robert. Kevin had gone by the way side shortly after she moved home. It seemed that they had been friends too long to make a romance work. Those were the words she used. Sort of put a different spin on Harm's expectations for what could happen between him and Mac. At any rate the snow storm that was hitting the entire eastern seaboard nixed those plans. He had hoped that it would ease up that afternoon, but it wasn't meant to be. Harm would have braved it, but Mattie was the one that called it off. Told him she didn't want to lose him to a snow bank (she was actually pretty shook up about Mac's accident). He agreed, but was sorry for it. He had already missed Christmas with her, but there was always the following weekend. He told her he would call Mac or Sturgis or someone later to see if they were up for dinner, but he knew he wouldn't and yet again he would be spending New Year's Eve by himself; asleep before the clock struck midnight.

Mac had taken the week between Christmas and New Year's off. She was healing well, but the doctor didn't release her for work until Monday. To add insult to injury she developed a cold and was just getting over it. Harm had talked to her every day, and had dinner with her once or twice, but they had not really talked about anything of substance. She was clearly easier with him, but Harm was not overly heartened. His words of 'nothing has changed' echoed through his mind with a different meaning than they had been intended. She had yet to come to him to open the line of dialogue about a relationship between them. He had done all he could. He had reminded her that the door was open and that he would be waiting, but how many times could he make that known to her before it became a joke? Before he became a joke?

He decided to wrap things up and get out of the office before the snow got too bad. Moments later his cell started vibrating on the desk. He checked the caller ID. It was Mac.

"Hey," he said with a bright smile. "Was just thinking about you."

"Where are you?" she asked a little nervous.

"At the office."

"You were supposed to be on the road to Blacksburg … I just saw on the news that there was an eighteen car pile up on 66."

"Anyone hurt?"

"It was pretty bad." Her voice calmed a little. "You decided not to go?"

"Mattie thought I should wait."

"I'm sorry Harm." Relieved that he was safe she was then free to be sorry about his plans getting screwed up. "You missed Christmas because of me and now this."

He smiled a little thinking that it was nice that she recognized that he had changed his plans for her, that she was a priority. At least she recognized that much. "There is always next weekend," he said trying to sound cheerful.

Mac took a beat before she asked the next question. "So what are you going to do tonight?"

"Not sure … you up for some dinner?"

"We will never get a reservation at this hour … how about I cook?" she offered.

"How about I cook?" he returned.

Her laugh was easy. "Fine … Fine … but we have to do it at your house … I am going stir crazy in this apartment."

"You shouldn't be driving in this weather."

"Santa Claus shouldn't be driving in this weather.

"And you're still sick," he reminded her.

"I am fine … just took the last of the cough syrup last night and have been feeling fine all day," she assured him. "I have got to get out of this house."

"Ok," he reluctantly agreed.

"Good … I will stop at the store and pick up … what? What should we have?"

"Let me do the shopping … you concentrate on getting there. Take your time."

"Jeez … a girl has one little accident and all of a sudden she is a bad driver." Mac laughed.

"I never said that."

"You were thinking it."

"You the thought police now?" he laughed. It was nice to play with her again.

"When are you leaving?"

"Five minutes."

"A real five minutes or a Rabb Five Minutes."

"Real."

"OK … I will see you there."

"Take your time," he said again.

"Would you stop?"

**1745 EST  
Rabb Residence**

Mac was already there when Harm arrived. She was fussing with the fire, trying to get a good blaze going.

"Hi," he said walking to the kitchen with the groceries.

"Happy New Year." She moved a log and tried to get it to sit right on the kindling.

"Yeah, that." He looked over at her. "Need some help?"

"I can handle it." She again adjusted the log. "Would it kill you to put some insulation in this place?"

"If you're cold, I have a sweater you can borrow, or a blanket, or --."

"Or you could just turn on the heat." She stood up to face him. She was dressed in jeans and in a very tight, very thin, black scoop neck top that clung to her like a second skin. At her throat she wore the pendant he had given her for Christmas. His first thought was that nothing should cover her up.

"I'll turn up the heat."

"That would be nice."

"Very nice," he agreed under his breath as he stepped over to the thermostat. 'Not too high,' he thought selfishly.

She took his place in the kitchen unpacking the groceries. "What's for dinner?" she asked with childlike joy.

"Thought I would do a scampi."

"I like your scampi." She placed the salad vegetables to the side. She had plans on making the salad. "Not too much garlic," she warned.

He pulled some cream out of the refrigerator and checked to see if it was still fresh. "I could do a lemon cream sauce with angel hair rather than linguini."

"That sounds really good." She pulled a bakery box out of one of the bags. "What is this?"

"Chocolate death in a box."

"Is that what it's called?"

"It should be – but I think the official name is Decadence. Mattie loves it – can't get enough. But she's young. Nearly sent me into a diabetic coma."

"And you thought I would like it?" she tried to scold.

"I thought you would like a little treat tonight."

"Being out of my house and here with you is a pretty big treat." She leaned on the counter and watched him fuss with the food.

He looked over at her, surprised by her direct compliment. "It's good to have you here."

"Thank you," she returned with a lot more meaning behind the words.

It was a perfect opportunity for him to lean over and kiss her. He wanted to and if he were asked, he would have said that she looked like she wanted him to, but sadly they were not at that point. At least he was not. "So you like the pendant?" he asked trying to change the subject.

"Very much." Then Mac did something totally unexpected. She pushed herself off the counter, leaned into him and kissed him on the side of the mouth. "Remind me to thank Mattie." Mattie had picked it out and he signed the card from both of them. She slipped her hand over his and pressed it. "Are you starving?"

"Not starving."

"Do we have time to sit for a while … talk?"

"Dinner can wait," was his tentative response. The night felt like it was taking a different turn. Maybe things were about to change.

She kept her hand in his and led him over to the couch. She sat down near the middle and tucked her feet up under her and turned so that she would be facing him when he sat down. There was something different about the way she moved. She was calm, relaxed, easy – easier than he had ever remembered her being; easier in her own skin and easier touching his.

Before he sat, he asked, "Something to drink? … got some Martinelli's or water or should I make some coffee."

"Just sit with me," she smiled.

He did as he was told. "I don't think Creswell likes me," he stated simply trying to open a safe line of dialogue.

"Harm, let's not talk about work."

"Ok." She was silent looking out the window as the snow fell. "You aren't going to be able to drive home tonight," he said thinking only of the weather and not implying anything else.

"I don't want to go home tonight." She continued to look out the window, afraid to look him in the eyes. She was afraid that she might see doubt. If he balked, she would lose her nerve.

"Mac?" He was not balking, but he was not clear either.

She looked back at him. "I think 2005 is going to be a very good year," she announced.

"Do you?"

"I do." She turned so she could fully face him and let her arm rest on the back of the couch. "In fact I was hoping … well thinking … I have had a lot of time to think this past week … it was either that or watch Oprah."

"No thinking required there."

"Harm … Oprah is --," she tried to defend the show. "Well, let's just leave it at that I am very glad I have some place to go every day."

"So you didn't get hooked on the soaps?"

"My life is a pretty soapy as it is … don't need to watch it on TV."

"So what were you thinking?" he prompted.

"I was thinking that we might want to make some New Year's resolutions."

"Already got mine picked out – in fact I have been working on them already."

"Oh?"

"I do … mostly about health and fitness … last winter I really let myself go and I am only now getting back into exercising and eating right. So, I am going to do at least one Iron Man competition this next year and run two or three marathons. The motto for this year is training … rigorous training."

"Those are good … and I think you are looking pretty good for an old man."

"Thanks a lot," he stated dryly.

"I have some fitness resolutions too."

"You could use a few pounds." He scanned her.

"You think I am too thin?" She looked down at herself.

"I think you could use a few pounds."

"You are a strange man Harmon Rabb … not too many men in the world would be brave enough to suggest to the woman in their life to GAIN weight."

'Women in their life'? What a great statement. Harm liked that but he did not comment on it. "I suppose … Most men would probably fear it back firing on them and winding up with Jabba The Hut … but I worry about you."

"I look that thin."

He didn't want to press it. "You could use a few pounds," he repeated.

"Ok," she was actually not offended. It was nice to know that he noticed. "But that is not what I was thinking."

"Oh?" He cocked and eyebrow. "Go on."

"I was thinking we could make some resolutions together."

"Together?"

"Yeah … together."

"Like?"

"Like communication … I think we should resolve to talk more … about important stuff."

"I can do that," he smiled. "What kind of important stuff?"

"Well …" Now she had to screw up her courage. "Well … like … us."

"Us?" his smile faded but his eyes still shone. It was getting serious.

"I don't want to push you away anymore Harm," she said with complete sincerity. "In fact I want to pull you in."

"Pull me in?"

"Are you going to question everything I say?" She let out a burst of nervous laughter.

His smile was back. "You are doing fine. Keep talking."

"I just think that it is time that we … you know …"

"Tell me," he encouraged.

"You aren't going to make this easy for me are you?"

"I don't want to assume anything so … no … you are going to have to say what you are thinking."

"Well … I just think that it is about time that we … well that we … start working on a future … for us … together."

"I like the sound of that." He placed his arm along side hers on the back of the couch.

"Do you?"

"I do," he nodded. "You knew I would."

"It's not too late?" she asked coyly.

"Nope."

"Are you sure … what about--?"

"Nothing Mac … there is nothing standing in our way but us."

"What about?"

"What about what?" He cocked his head.

"Professor Montes," she said quickly.

"She is a professional friend."

"She looked pretty personal that night I dropped by." Mac leaned back away from him a little.

"Are you jealous?" He leaned forward to keep the distance between them static.

"No … well … yeah … it just surprised me."

"It shouldn't have."

"It did," Mac countered. "She looked very … comfortable inviting me into your house."

Harm thought for a moment. It wasn't the first time that one woman had gotten the wrong impression about another woman in his life. He had to set her straight as honestly as he could. "I suppose that Alicia would have liked more from me, but to be honest, it never crossed my mind – not seriously anyway. She wasn't who I wanted. I haven't seen her since that night." He hoped that was enough for Mac. "I called you several times after she left, but you wouldn't answer your phone."

"You didn't leave a message."

"You knew it was me, you saw the number of missed calls."

Mac shook her head. She had dismissed those as something else. "So when you told me in the hospital that nothing had changed …"

"Nothing has. I want to be a part of your life Mac … I want us to have a future … I want us to make a life together … I don't care how," he explained. "As to what it will look like … that I am not so sure of … all that really matters is that it is the two of us … together."

"You said you would always be there for me … that you wouldn't be another man that passed through my life."

"I will … I mean I won't," he laughed. "I will always be there for you, and I won't just pass through your life. Trust me, Mac."

"Harm, you are the only person I trust," she took his hand. "I trust you more than I trust myself."

He smiled a little. "We will need to work on that." Implying that they needed to work on her learning to trust herself.

"I have hurt you," she stated softly.

"And I have hurt you."

"I'm sorry."

"I am too … we don't have to anymore – hurt each other I mean."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What about a baby?"

"I say … yes."

"What if I can't?"

"We'll figure something out … we have options."

"And you really don't care -."

"Mac, of course I care … to have a child that was created by us would be the best of all possible worlds … but do I think I could love a child that we did not have a genetic hand in creating but raised together – yes. Yes I do."

"I love you, Harm." The statement left her lips before she was aware she was going to say it.

It took him by surprise too. His smile broadened. Before she had a chance to take it back, modify it or some how ruin it, he pulled her toward him and kissed her tenderly. "I love you, Sarah."

They folded into an embrace and held on to each other thinking their own similar thoughts.

After several moments, Mac squeezed him briefly and leaned back so she could look in his eyes. "I want to take this slowly." He cocked his head asking what she wanted to take slowly. After ten years, what was there to do slowly? "What I mean to say is, that I want to get used to us being … you know …"

"Us?" he wasn't answering her questions he was confused.

"Yeah," she thought he was answering.

"Yeah what? You want to what … date?"

"I don't want things to change too quickly," she tried to explain.

She saw the look of disappointment wash over his face. "Oh."

"No," she blurted out. "Not OH … I want to savory every subtle change, every nuance of this new relationship. I want to appreciate the little things … you asking me out to dinner, getting ready, finding private time in a busy day, leaving a cryptic note on your desk for you to find, going away for the weekend, beating you in court …

"Beating me?" he smiled.

"… and then kissing you afterward," she continued. "Teaching me to fly."

"Teaching you to what?"

"Fly … I can learn to fly," she stated.

"No doubt … I thought you hated flying … particularly with me."

"I never hated it … I just liked razzing you about it," she caressed his cheek. "Flying is a big part of who you are … I want to understand it better. So would you teach me to fly, Hammer?"

"I will," he was still a little confused. "So what exactly are we taking slowly?"

"I don't know … I mean … as long as we are ONLY dating, we can still work together … if that changes -."

"WHEN that changes," he corrected.

"Then things will really change," she took a breath. "A baby will change things."

"I can see that having to change our duty stations and a child will make larger impacts on us … but I think we ought to – as you say – savor every subtle and not so subtle change, … HOWEVER …"

"However?" she asked.

"Why don't we just let nature take its course?" he stated simply.

"Nature?"

"Yeah … we should stop thinking so much and just let it happen … with a little guidance. And if at some point we decide that it is time to give nature a helping hand, we will make that decision together."

"You want our resolution this year to be about letting nature take its course?"

He smiled. "Nature can be a pretty powerful force," he again closed the distance between them and kissed her. This time it wasn't quite as tender as it was … leading. He knew exactly what SUBTLE change he wanted to savor first, and he hoped she did too.

If she had been standing, her knees would have gone out from under her. "I see what you mean about the powerful force of nature," she stood up and put her hand out to him. She was going to take him to the bedroom.

"Dinner can wait?" he asked following after her.

"Dinner can wait," she assured him.

"But … what about?" he tripped over his words. "Are you … alright?"

"I won't break," she kissed him deeply to let him know that she was more than "alright".

"I'll be gentle."

"Don't be gentle," she grinned. "Be Good."

"Who said I can't be both?" he teased. "2005 is going to be great."

She nodded slightly. "The first year in a long line of great years," she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I love you," he said sincerely and really enjoying the fact that he could say it so easily.

"I have waited a long time for you to say that to me."

"And?"

"It was worth the wait," she told him.

"You don't know that yet," he scooped her up in her arms.

"I have faith."

"That is all we need."

"And a little luck," she offered.

"We will make our own luck," he took the steps up to the bedroom.

"Happy New Year, Harm."

"Happy New Year, Sarah."

This year, Harm would be awake to ring in the New Year and the many years to come.

FADE TO BLACK


	19. Christmas: Home For The Holidays

Title: Home For The Holidays

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2006**

**Spoilers: 20 Months Post Season Finale **

**Coin Toss Result: NEVER HAPPENED**

**Spoilers: **Harm and Mac left without ever resolving their relationship – there was no protestation of love, no forced proposal and no suggestion to leave their fate to the toss of a coin. They said a public GOODBYE at a party with all their friends without ever sharing a moment or bemoaning the loss of a relationship. Also note --- Mattie never was injured. As far as we know she and her Dad are living happily ever after.

**Notes: **This is pretty angsty and there is a lot of rehashing the crap that went on between H/M. Basically it explains why the coin toss was so unbelievably out of the blue … but it is a Holiday episode so it will all end well – or will it ??? (It will … not … will … will not … will …).

**December 22, 2006 - Noon**

**Rabb Residence**

**North of Union Station**

Harm opened the door to his dusty apartment. He hadn't been back in a year. He should have sold the place, but he just couldn't let go of the idea that Washington (not London) was home. He dropped his bags by the door. All he needed was 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but the odds of that happening were slim to none. He would settle for a luke warm shower and a change of clothes before he headed back to the hospital.

**National Naval Medical Center**

**Bethesda, Maryland**

Mac made her way down the hall to the waiting room outside the ICU. She found both Bud and Harriet huddled in a corner silently giving each other support. She dropped her bag by the door and embraces were exchanged.

"Thank you for coming," Bud whispered into her ear as they hugged.

"How is he?" Mac's last information was before she got on the plane in San Diego. It was at least 6 hours old.

"The doctors aren't saying much," Harriet braved. "But he made it through surgery," she added hopefully.

"All we can do is wait," Bud said clearly resigned to what fate the Gods allowed.

"Will they let you see him?" she looked between the worried parents.

"They suggested that we let him rest for now while he is in recovery," Harriet told her fighting back the tears. "Like we would disturb him."

But put his hand on her hand to get her to stop talking. There was no reason to rehash every injustice they had suffered as if AJ being in ICY wasn't enough. He looked to Mac, "Maybe in an hour or so."

They all sat down. There was nothing else to do. Mac saw Harriet's fear ease when Bud spoke for her. The worst fear a parent could know had come upon them, but their love and their commitment to each other would see them through whatever happened. In a very selfish moment, Mac envied them even in their despair – they had each other. Mac had no one.

**Later**

Harm found Bud alone outside of ICU looking in at his son and his wife.

"How's he doing?" he asked.

"He is still listed as critical," Bud was repeating what the doctors had told him. He really didn't know what it all meant, but he knew that it was not good news.

Harm wanted to tell him that he had checked with the police (the driver had turned himself in) but chose not to give Bud anything else to think about. It was the kind of news that would keep until they knew that AJ would be OK. "How are you?"

Bud looked at Harm's reflection in the glass. "I can't think about me right now," he looked back at his wife and son. "Would you look at her … at Harriet … she is so strong," The pain in his voice was tangible.

Harm nodded and made a mental note to be around when Bud finally did think about himself. He would need a friend. "Harriet is an amazing woman," Harm confirmed, but he was distracted by a reflection that he saw in the glass. He turned and gave her a weak smile. "Hi," he said. She was still the most stunning woman he had ever known.

Mac nodded her reply, and joined Bud watching his family.

Her response to him seemed apropos to Harm. They hadn't spoken, written or communicated in anyway since they had parted nearly two years before and the energy they exerted NOT communicating was channeled to other people in their lives. At least it was that way for him - clearly he had to think it was that way for her as well. Apparently the silent distance had created more issues than it resolve the ones they had. If he wasn't sure before, he was very clear at that moment: the mountain they would have to climb to find any thing resembling a familiarity (much less a friendship) was now trumped but the Everest-like altitude of issues that clearly needed addressing. Harm never understood the notion of climbing a mountain just because it was there – he needed some kind of pay off. If the BEST he could hope for was civility there was no reason to extend the energy to make that climb. That reality was a hard on his ego, but easily accepted. He had failed – they had failed. Move on, get over it, get past it … he was the first to look away. That annoyed Mac.

She released Bud.

"No Change," Harriet announced before either Harm and Mac had realized she had left the ICU and had joined them. "But I guess that is good at this point," she and Bud folded into an embrace and Harm and Mac looked in on the small child behind the glass – anywhere rather than meet the other's glance. If it weren't for their mutual love and concern for little AJ … their godson … nothing short of the world coming to an end would have even gotten them in the same room.

**December 23, 2006 -- 0900**

**National Naval Medical Center**

**Bethesda, Maryland**

Harm had taken phone duty. He was calling everyone for his friends: parents, siblings, sitters, the office. The news he had to share was that AJ was stable for the moment, still listed in critical condition. The response from people was humbling. Harm was again reminded how much Bud and Harriet – indeed the whole Roberts' clan had meant to everyone. He was asked to instruct people not to come to the hospital and to go on with their holiday plans. Harm knew that was a little unrealistic before he started making the calls. People understood that Bud and Harriet were giving every bit of strength they had to each other and their son and would not intrude. What the friends did do was attend to the rest of the Roberts children, which had been Mike's primary responsibility. Again, Harm was inspired and humbled by the outpouring of love and support to his friends.

He heard the door open and knew immediately it was her – "her" being Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie. There was a way that that woman's energy filled a space that Harm had never been able to understand, ignore or forget. He turned when she approached. They hadn't yet spoken, at least not anything personal. He didn't know what to say to her, so he dropped into the 'generic' mode he had perfected. "Hi," he said again. "You Ok?"

She shook her head 'no'. She was not about to speak any more about what she was feeling and she was not going to allow him to comfort her in spite of the fact that ever fiber in her being was crying out for his kind of comfort. To be wrapped up in the strong arms of a man who loved that little boy as much as she did, to have his soft reassuring, overly optimistic voice in her ear saying that everything would be OK would have made the whole situation easier to bear. She would not allow it – not from anyone much less HIM. Nor was she going to comfort him, nor was she going to LIE to placate him.

"Yeah," he recognized the body language and kept his distance.

"You have been in contact with the police?" she asked trying to be as unemotional as the situation would allow.

"The driver turned himself in," he stated.

"Good," she could barely look him in the eye. It stirred up so much inside of her – stuff that she thought she had long since dealt with - she felt herself losing control.

"They have arrested him for reckless driving, leaving the scene and are trying to get him for DUI, but his blood alcohol was under legal limit at the time he was arrested."

"Which is why he left the scene," she fumed. "For leaving a child to die, he should be drawn and quartered and I don't care if he was drunk or stone cold sober."

"Agreed," he said guardedly as her anger threw him back.

Mac shook her head. It had been a mistake going in search of him; she didn't know why she had. "I need to find Harriet."

"Mac," he stopped her before she had a chance to leave.

She glared at him but was not as angry at him as she was at herself. She hated that he was still able to affect her so profoundly.

"Nothing," he waved her off. There was no reason to try to talk about anything else. She would not hear him. "She's in the cafeteria."

Mac strode away.

**Hours Later**

Harm was pacing outside the hospital waiting for the phone to ring. The weather had turned again and it was snowing hard. The airports were closed and the roads would be near impassible soon. Claire, the woman he had been seeing for the past six months, was going to fly in. He had asked her not to; had told her that there would be nothing that she could do, but she insisted. She had done a lot of 'insisting' in their relationship and it was beginning to wear on him. Of course she hadn't insisted on coming until she discovered that Mac was there and that also made him angry. He was just about to go inside and blow her phone call off – if she came, she came, but he would not go out of his way to facilitate her presence.

The phone rang.

"We have been diverted to Boston," she said angrily.

"The storm will hit New York in about an hour and Boston shortly thereafter," he stated. He was not sorry for her travel woes. He had suggested that she not come. "You will have to stay there until the storm passes."

"I have already checked," she yelled into the air phone. "The hotels are booked."

He knew she had only checked the five star hotels. She was nothing if not a prima donna. "I told you this wouldn't be easy," he reminded her.

"You also said you wished we could be together for the holiday."

"Of course I do, but that is looking less likely by the moment … and it is looking like the holiday is canceled," he was relieved she wasn't coming. "Take the next flight out of Boston … go anywhere and get a hop back to London," he instructed. "I'll see you there maybe by New Year's."

"This is not the way I expected to spend our first Christmas, Harm," she sniped selfishly.

"I know," he said with feigned concern. "I'm sorry," he wasn't. "Call me when you land," he snapped the phone shut and had no intention of waiting for her next call. Just like most of the other women in his life it was easier to say you were sorry than discuss anything in the heat of the moment – most women anyway. 'That never really seemed to work with Mac,' he thought and more than likely the root of all their problems. When he turned she was standing right there. 'Speak of the devil…' was his next thought.

Mac clearly had witnessed the whole thing and it fueled the annoyance she felt, but it allowed her to direct it toward him. She knew his body language well; it was still second nature to her. He wasn't sorry that his new girlfriend was put out; in fact it gratified him in some adolescent way that she would go to all that trouble. Rabb would never change; all he ever wanted were women to stroke his massive ego.

Harm shrugged unapologetically at Mac and started to walk passed her.

"Has it ever occurred to you …" she blew up at him like a land mine. "That the women in your life don't get the message because the one you are sending is mixed?"

"Has it ever occurred to you …" he blew back startled by the blast. "That the women in my life don't want to hear the message I am sending?"

"Actually NO … it never has," she glared at him. "But that still says more about you than it does about them."

He turned on his heel to face her. "Do you have something you want to hash out with me, Colonel?"

"Would there be a point?" she asked rhetorically. "Would it change anything?" she started her own exit.

"It might … if … IF …" he was lost as to how to proceed. "It would have made a lot of difference if at least ONE WOMAN were not bound and determined to misinterpret – or completely ignore – everything I ever said … OR DID," he shot back at her.

"I can't imagine to whom you are referring to … Did Jordan misinterpret your leaving her for an F14?" Mac's vitriol surprised even her. "Did Annie MISUNDERSTAND that for you it was more about being the SUPER DAD to her son that you and he never had than it had to do with Poor Defenseless Annie? … And Renee … damned if I know what Renee was supposed to get out of your unwillingness to commit but at least she was wise enough to move on before it was too late," she started with more vehemence than she had wanted. "Who knows why the countless women before, between and since didn't work out … I am sure that they misunderstood you too," she smirked. "Poor Harm … so articulate in a court room … but put him in the bedroom and his tongue gets tied."

"You wouldn't know."

"With any luck the next one could be the answer to your prayers … hell she is willing to chase you … maybe she will stick around long enough to UNDERSTAND YOU!!!"

He was stunned. That speech must have been bottle up for YEARS. "What have I EVER done to you that gives you the right to be so hostile to me!!!" It was not a question.

"Do you want a list?" she spit back at him.

He shook his head and pulled out that really annoying HOLIER THAN THOU attitude. "This really isn't the best time for you and I to drag up some ancient garbage that should have been throw out years ago."

She was just about the cut him to his knees when she saw someone approaching.

"Mac?" a man's voice called from just behind Harm. "Sarah. I made it," The man walked passed Harm and hugged Mac. She had not taken her eyes off Harm and the man who was hugging her clearly did not affect her.

Harm shook his head and turned away. He was convinced that there would be no reconciliation of any kind with Mac then or in the future. The only slight pleasure he took was that the man – Sarah's man – was Harm's height, build, coloring and wore a Navy flight suit. She had chosen a copy rather than the real thing. It had to boost his ego. Harm's phone rang. The caller ID scared him. He yelled over his shoulder, "It's AJ," he ran back into the hospital. Mac and her male friend followed hard on his heels.

**Later – Waiting Room Outside OR 1**

Erik (Mac's boy friend) got up for the fifth time in the space of 20 minutes. He couldn't sit still but the worst of it was that each time he left he asked if he could bring anyone anything. It was annoying Harm. Bud and Harriet were really too far gone to notice but each time Erik came back through the door they were sure it was the doctor or someone with news, and truth to tell, it was annoying Mac too. In Erik's defense had had already sat vigil – unsuccessfully – twice in his life: once for his mother when he was 9 and once for his grandmother when he was 26. Sitting there was bringing back some very bad memories. His reason for being there was to give Mac support. She clearly didn't want it or need it. He had never seen her so closed off.

Harm knew – or at least knew of – Erik "Pussy Foot" Andersen. Pussy Foot was not his actual handle; it was just what all the other pilots called him. His real handle was Boots (as in Puss In Boots). He didn't fly jets (he didn't know how to push the envelope). He flew transport planes. He was not career Navy – it was his job and it wasn't an adventure. He would stay in for his 20 and get out when he was offered a job from FedEx or UPS. He was younger than Mac by about 5 or 7 years, and it was clear to everyone that saw them together that he was Pussy Whipped.

The last time Erik left, Harm glared at Mac. She glared back but promptly got up to follow Erik. She was back in less than a minute, handed Erik her bags and with that he was gone presumably to check them into a hotel and stay there until he was called.

The tension between Mac and Harm was so thick that even Harriet and Bud felt it. They sat on opposite sides of the room not even in each other's line of site. They didn't speak to each other unless it was absolutely necessary and then it was as few words as were needed to communicate.

Long minutes passed. Bud was getting very anxious. He was shifting his position often and it was beginning to bother Harriet. Harm noticed and needed to do something about it. Harriet was at her wits end.

"Bud," Harm called to him as he stood up. "Let's take a walk … just up and down the hall … we won't go far," Bud agreed grateful that it was not his idea.

When they were gone Mac moved closer to Harriet and reached out to touch her shoulder.

"This waiting is killing me," Harriet owned. "I mean I know he is going to be all right … he has to be all right … he's my baby," her voice broke and she fought back the tears in her eyes.

"They are doing everything they can,"

"I can't believe it was just this morning … yesterday morning," she corrected. "That I was yelling at him about cleaning up his room," she got up. "I told him he could ride his bike after he cleaned up his room,"

Mac didn't know what to say. Harriet was about to take responsibility for the accident because she gave him permission to ride his bike. "Harriet … you can't --."

"No … no … I know," she wiped her hands across her face. "We have been through so much these last years," she claimed. "Losing little Sarah, Bud's leg, Jimmy's dyslexia, the twins," she stopped.

"You didn't tell me there was anything wrong with the twins."

Harriet looked confused. She thought she told Mac, but maybe it was Harm. She assumed that they would have told each other. She never really believed that they didn't communicate at all, in any way. At the very least they could talk about mutual friends, new colleagues and work. "The twins have been diagnosed with various food allergies including milk, nuts and strawberries. They should grow out of it, but it is so hard – hard on them and hard on the rest of the family."

"I can't even imagine," Mac still had issues dealing with Harriet and her problems. As far as Mac was concerned Harriet had the life that Mac wanted – dead babies, gimp husbands, allergy ridden babies aside.

"And Bud wants another child," Harriet added.

At that Mac withdrew emotionally. She loved her friends and rejoiced in their good times and was happy that they were able to make the life they wanted. But Mac still felt slighted. "How do you feel about that?" was the obligatory reply.

"I don't know … I have been putting him off for some time now, but I'm not getting any younger."

Mac nodded.

Harriet looked to the door and checked the clock on the wall. The surgery had been only been an hour and 20 minutes. They were warned that it could take close to three hours, but the longer they were in there the worse it was for AJ. "Let's talk about something else," she shook her worry back and sat back down. "How are you and Erik?"

Mac and Erik had been dating for more than a year. He had asked her to marry him twice, but she had flat out refused claiming that she would never get married – nothing personal. "Fine," she briefly answered.

"What about you and Harm?" Harriet had to ask.

"Nothing about us," Mac stated as if she were surprised that she would ask.

"Are you still trying to tell me that you haven't spoken since you both left JAG."

"Not very often," Mac owned and that was overstating it.

Harriet snapped. "Don't you think it's time? … Don't you think that you should find a way to bury the hatchet and be friends – friends at the very least? You are AJ's god parents for Pete's sake … how are you supposed to provide spiritual guidance for him when you can't give it to yourselves?"

"Harriet …" Mac was not prepared for the attack. She knew it was more about the pressure that Harriet was under, but it was still hard to take.

"You were friends once … I dare say you loved each other … no one would go as far as you two did for the other … How many times did you literally or figuratively save each other's lives? Russia? Mattie? Paraguay? I was never privy to what went on down there or how Clayton Webb got into the act, but you should have tried to make a life together instead of going out of your way to make each other miserable … I know you are both pig headed, selfish and can't admit that you are wrong … but for the love of God … what did he do that was so WRONG?" she demanded. She looked up at the doorway and saw Bud and Harm standing there. Clearly they had heard her entire tirade. She stood up. "What did she ever do to you, Harm?"

Harm was confused how the topic came up and glanced to Mac to see what happened.

"Life is precious," Harriet continued. "Time is not unlimited. They way you two waste it with petty … petty … bullshit is shameful."

"Harriet," Bud tried to stop her.

"What if one of you were in that operating room instead of AJ … how would you feel knowing that you let the other one live and die thinking all kinds of WRONG THOUGHTS just because you couldn't admit that you were wrong?" she ranted on. "I would never have expected this from you … from either of you … when we chose you as AJ's god parents we believed that you were the most generous, loving people – loyal, forthright and honest. You were role models for us and for him. But look at you now," she yelled. "You two can't even be in the same room with each other and talk about the weather. It makes me sick to see what you have become."

"Mrs. Roberts," the doctor repeated.

Harriet was immediately stilled and refocused on her son.

"He made it through and it is looking very good," he stated. "You have a fighter on your hands there,"

Harriet and Bud hugged. "Can we see him?"

"For a moment, but he will be sleeping for about six to eight hours. I suggest you go home and get some rest yourselves," he wanted to add that they clearly needed it.

"Thank you, doctor,"

After the doctor left Harm looked at the couple. "Go home," he nodded over to Mac. "We'll stay here and call if there are any changes."

Harriet looked over at Mac. Mac added, "You have been here for more than 36 hours. I am sure you could use a shower, change of clothes and to see your kids," Mac's voice was even and calm. "Maybe a couple hours of shut eye,"

"You will call if anything changes," Harriet warned.

They nodded in unison.

Bud led Harriet down the hall to check in on AJ.

Harm and Mac sat on opposite sides, but not as far away as they had been.

**Hours Passed**

The tension was thick and made the waiting that much harder. Finally Harm braved it. "Should we talk about what she said?" he asked half hoping he would hear a NO and the other half dreading a YES.

"No," she said quickly, but then relented. "Unless you think there is something to talk about."

"I am sure there is," he stated not sure what he would say next. "I'm sorry Mac."

She looked up at him. That was not the first thing she would have expected him to say. "What for?"

He laughed. "For a number of things … but mostly for allowing our … our … whatever you want to call what we had deteriorate to this point," he exhaled. "I never wanted you as an enemy."

"Is that what you think I am?" she was still a little edgy.

"We certainly aren't friends."

"Not being friends, doesn't make us enemies," she corrected sternly.

"Fine," he relented. "I never wanted you to hate me."

She shrugged and looked down. "I don't hate you Harm."

"That comment you made before was pretty hateful," he stated.

She looked up at him. "It was … it was hateful, rude, and unfounded," she straightened her spine. "I'm sorry,"

"Do you know why you said it?" he asked.

"Because I am mean-spirited, vindictive and rude?" That was how she had thought of Harm after his 'dead or wish they were' comment from years before.

"No," he wouldn't accept that.

She thought for a moment and the first thing she thought she said, "I have always hated – it has always annoyed me that you would never come out and say what you mean. Ask for what you want. Tell somebody how you felt," she looked at him. "And I don't necessarily mean with me."

He snorted a laugh. "We were never very good at communicating."

"Is that my fault?" she demanded. "I never met a man who talked so much and actually said NOTHING."

He smirked and shook his head. "Where is all this resentment and anger coming from?" he asked. "You never wanted me … that was clear … so why are you so pissed off now?"

"I'm not pissed off," she corrected, though she was hard pressed to find a different word to describe her feelings.

"You are acting like a spurned lover," he pointed out.

"I am not."

He sat down closer to her since the conversation was going to take on a much more personal bent he didn't want to be over heard even though no one else was in the room. "You are and we can go back and forth about who's fault it was that we didn't get together over the years – and I will say that I had a huge part in keeping us apart for the first eight years, but the bottom line is … in the end, it was your call … I was very clear … left nothing open for interpretation … it was your decision … and you couldn't make it – or you chose not to try with me. I had to accept that – as unfair as I thought that was."

"You are laying this – all of this at MY DOOR!" She was livid.

"Keep your voice down," he scolded.

She hushed her yell. "I can't believe you are saying that it is all my fault."

"First of all, up until this moment I was not sure you even thought of THIS as anything to have a fault."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You walked away from me Mac and the only reason I could come up with is that you didn't want me in your life. That your feelings for me – good or bad – were just not enough and you just couldn't bring yourself to say it out loud for all – or even me – to hear," he got that caustic look in his eye. "You were never very good at saying NO."

She was freshly reminded of his 'go with anyone who asks' remark. "That is so like YOU," she snapped.

"Do you want to hear it from my perspective or not?"

She crossed her arms across her chest. "Sure …ought to be a fascinating version of revisionist history … present your case," she challenged.

He was about to say to forget it and just walk away. She clearly would not hear anything he had to say – nothing had changed. But he thought better of that and decided to clear the air – if only for his own peace of mind. "Fine … As I see it: I laid every card I had out on the table the night of the Admiral's dining out. I told you how I felt, what I wanted, I told you how far I would go to give you what you wanted and I told you that I would wait until you were ready," he stated quickly.

Her reaction was unreadable, but she uncrossed her arms and shifted her position.

He continued. "I wasn't going anywhere and neither were you – so I thought – waiting was the best approach. I said as much, you asked as much," he nodded to make sure she understood that she was complicit in the 'waiting' plan.

"I never said you should wait," she reminded him.

"You never said or implied that I shouldn't," he looked at her directly. "Talk about sending mixed messages."

She looked down.

"The only man that would not pass through your life?" he reminded her. "You even asked me to promise that I wouldn't."

She nodded. She was going to take issue with the word 'promise' but she would be splitting hairs.

With renewed strength from his minor victory he continued. "I waited for you to come to terms with the death of Webb, his resurrection and your break up. I waited for you to come to terms with your endometriosis and the limitations on having a child. I waited for you to feel like you were in control of your life. I offered my support – as a friend – through all of that." He shrugged. "I waited for you to be ready to start something deeper with me."

"And I continued to keep you away … to push you away," she owned it but not like she had done anything wrong. She wanted to say that he wasn't 'waiting alone' but it felt petty to bring up Alicia Montes (she was surprised that she actually remember her name).

"I was wrong," he continued. "Waiting netted us nothing and then overnight it all changed. I was sent to London –"

"With a nice promotion."

"And you were sent to San Diego … with your own promotion. To this day I wonder if it was just that we weren't prepared to do anything about it," he leaned back as if he were done speaking. "Or if we were just not that important to each other" he concluded.

"Importance had nothing to do with it … what was I supposed to do??? Did you expect me to come to your apartment with 12 hours to spare, seduce you in to proposing that we get married and force one of us to quit?"

"Ha … deciding that would have been a nightmare," he laughed at the ludicrousness of it. "We could have flipped a coin about the quitting,"

She smiled. "I can see it now … 'two out of three' … 'three out of five' … 'ok, how about I arm wrestle you for it.'"

They laughed easily together.

She got serious first. "Probably not the most realistic way to go."

"No," he agreed.

"Our careers always came first."

"One of the things I admired about you the most," he said honestly.

She nodded. "Me too."

They were quiet for a moment.

"For the record I don't think of it as ALL your fault," he paused to be sure she heard him and was listening. "After I told you what I wanted and after you told me of your illness, I shouldn't have waited. I can see now that standing on the sidelines watching for any change would feel like nothing but pressure to you."

"It did," she said honestly.

"So I should have gone back to being your friend – nothing more, nothing pending. I should have worked my way back into your daily life – not just your work life," he suggested. "We should have had dinners and lunches, gone the movies … I don't know … played paintball, gone motorcycle riding, taken up macramé … I could have taught you to fly-."

"Paintball? Flying?" she smiled.

" … anything. I should have reminded you that we were good friends and there were times - albeit brief moments when we actually had fun together."

"Like we did after the Mic/Renee fiasco?" she remembered how close they were before the Singer mess started them on the down hill spiral of Harm and Mac.

Mac thought back to that last Christmas – Christmas 2002 – the one before Singer's departure and subsequent murder, before Paraguay and Webb, before Mattie, and before the endometriosis was discovered … before all of it. She had fully expected them to take the next step that night. For the life of her she could not remember why they hadn't. It would have been so easy to kiss him under the mistletoe at the Robert's dinner and mean it. There would have been no words needed. He would be able to tell the difference. There would have been no discussion. He was telling her about his flight back with Admiral Boone and giving the wings to the pilot who missed his ceremony. She told him about her experience with the three wise men from Kuwait, Joseph and Mary and the birth of their child in the Admiral's office. It was all very festive, good hearted and romantic. A nice safe kiss and a ride home and the future would have changed. Her life since then would have been so different. With hindsight it was easy to romanticize that it would have been better – fairy tale-esque, but even with clear-headed honest reflection, it would not have been worse.

"Mac?" he called to get her attention.

"I was just thinking that we had agreed to going back to being friends, and we did," she sounded like she missed those days. "I mean back at the Jag-a-thon we agreed we would go back to being friends and we did. What happened?"

"Do we have to go through all of that again?" he almost laughed. Did she really want to hash through every detail of their decline?

"No, I mean … I don't … never mind," she shook her memories away.

"It would have been different the second time around," he admitted.

She was brought completely back to reality. So much had gone down from that Christmas – that last pure opportunity – to the Admiral's dining out and not enough changed after that until the day they were reassigned. She was not the same woman; Harm not the same man. They had inflicted some serious damage on each other. And they had each suffered some major set backs on their own. The nearly two years between drove a wedge between them. Attempting a friendship – only a friendship a second time around would have been near impossible to accomplish. "Very different," she agreed.

"But at least when our change of billets came up we would have been at a place were we could talk about what a future with 6000 miles between us would mean … or actually discuss other options."

Mac nodded. It would have been the way to go, but she didn't want to see the missed opportunity – ANOTHER missed opportunity. She had to believe that she had made the right decision back then. "It wouldn't have worked, Harm."

"Why not?"

"I was in no place to accept your friendship … after I found out about my endometriosis, everything changed. Everything took on such intense pressure. Yes, you tried to be there for me, and it was driving me crazy. I had to push you away even if you only wanted to be my friend."

"Why?"

"Because I wouldn't have been able to accept that what you were offering was real – I am still not sure it would have been – by your own admission."

He nodded.

"Every time I looked at you, talked to you … thought about you … it felt like I was expected to do something, change something, be something that I wasn't prepared to be – couldn't be," she stated. "All I knew for sure was that I wanted kids and couldn't have them and that you wanted kids … and I couldn't give them to you."

"We talked about that."

"Yeah sure … about adoption, surrogacy, in vitro fertilization," she put her hand up. "Whatever … it all revolved around kids. And that subject was just too raw for me at first and then it just covered over. I never knew how to open the subject up again with out ripping the wound open."

He sighed. "If it weren't for miscommunication we would have had no communication at all."

She cocked her head. "What does that mean?"

He laughed. "I don't know where or how to begin … it all seems so pathetic now."

"I don't understand," she said urging him to continue.

"Mac, when we were talking at the Admiral's Dining Out … you were reeling from losing Webb – at least that was ALL I assumed that it was. I knew I couldn't step in – at least not right away – and fill that place in your life. I don't know what you and Webb had or why – but you had something important."

She shrugged. Webb and their relationship was a distant painful memory. She would have been hard pressed to think of one good thing to say about him.

"But then you mentioned having kids with him," he shrugged. "I had no way of knowing what you had found out that day … about the endometriosis … I thought you were just mourning the loss of a life with kids and a husband … because of Webb's death – nothing more. Right or wrong I saw that it was my opportunity to offer myself as husband and father – sometime, in the future, when you were ready – to fill the void you had lost – at least the only void I suspected was gone."

She was about to speak.

He put up his hand to ask her to let him finish. "I loved you Mac … I wanted you in my life – I wanted to be in your life … even if I were second choice – last choice – last chance … the one that wouldn't pass through."

"Harm," she shook her head. She had always hated that he would have accepted second. Harm had always been a winner. How could a man like Harm accept being the runner up in something as important as a marriage?

"I had known that I loved you since Brumby came back and you got engaged but things were so screwed up back then … I was so screwed up. Yeah my ego was bruised thinking of you marrying that guy," he stood and walked a little bit away from her. "Then he was gone and Renee was gone – because of US and we still couldn't get it together. God knows I wanted to … I just didn't know how. It wasn't until Webb took you on the mission that I realized that I had to say something … even if I were shot down. Actually no … it was when I was stuck in jail and had so much time to think."

"Solitude does tend to help you put your life in perspective," she offered.

"Heard that," he said as he thought back to his last two lonely years at JAG and his time in London. "I was on my way to Paraguay to tell you just that …but your reaction to me when I got there was so … unexpected."

"Unexpected?"

"It was as if you were angry at me … annoyed … pissed off."

"What?" she was shocked to hear this part. "I was not."

"The fact that I had quit my job and flown 5000 miles to save your life was immaterial. You acted like I was late picking you up for court and that I forgot your briefcase. You acted as if you felt that I was to blame for Webbs' torture and your incarceration. If I had gotten there sooner … if I had gone with you … whatever."

"That's unfair," she claimed.

"I am telling you what I saw … what I felt … from my perspective."

She shook her head. He was dead wrong to feel anything like what he was saying he was feeling. She tried to defend herself. "That night we tried to talk … you were caustic, nasty … mean. Petty, vindictive and down right rude about Webb – making assumptions with your wounded pride about me and Webb," she threw up her hand. "I couldn't understand why you would come all that way, risk everything that you held dear just to throw in my face that I needed you to save my life. It could have been some macho bullshit to prove that you were more of a man than Webb ever could be … something … I don't know what … but I have to say the idea that you did it for love never entered my mind."

"Yes it did," he challenged. "You being the damsel in distress being rescued by the love-sick hero… of course it did … I suppose if I had gotten on my knees before you and professed my undying love and loyalty you might have given me the time of day … hell I might have even gotten one night before you went scampering back to Webb."

"That is uncalled for."

"Who knows where we would be if I had – hell we might be right here still fighting over who was more wrong," he smirked. "But it doesn't matter now. I am not exactly sure what happened, but something in me snapped … I felt used and unappreciated. Worse than that I felt that you never had looked at me other than as a friend. I was a fool for feeling more."

"And men who feel like fools act like jerks," she submitted.

He stole a brief glance down. He was a jerk then. Then he pushed the feelings back into their proper perspective. "I don't regret going or the fallout from that, I only regret that I went there – full of fear and hope – fear that you might be dead, and hope that we could start our life together. I was on a mission to win you – or at least tell you how I felt. Total Mission Failure."

"You saved my life."

"True … and for that I am glad I went and would do it all again knowing the outcome … but mine was ruined. I came back with nothing – with less than nothing. I was a fool for loving you and now EVERYONE knew it. I had finally pushed Chegwidden over the line and I lost my job – my career. I was nothing to no one – especially you,"

"You were never nothing to me."

He reminded her. "I came back with 'there will never be an us'."

She hated that he remembered that like it was carved out of stone somewhere. "You shouldn't have felt that way,"

He shrugged. "No way else to feel," he paused briefly. "Anyway, as time wore on I realized that I couldn't get you out of my head, out of my heart. That the anger I was feeling was misplaced love. Mattie was a way to fill the void that you left in my life and the way you helped me with her was enough to give me hope that maybe I was more than nothing to you."

"Harm," she started to correct him again.

"Anyway … you had Webb so there was nothing I could do," he shrugged. "And then Webb was gone and I laid it all out for you … told you that I wanted to be in your life and offered to be the father of your children … not because I wanted children as much as I wanted you and would give you everything I had and helped you in anyway I could to get what you wanted in life."

"I didn't know … I didn't understand," she stated. "I was so wrapped up in my own shit."

"Miscommunication," he said again. "And you pushing me away the whole next twelve months was feeding the feeling that I had in Paraguay that you never did see me as anything other than a colleague, friend – less than a friend – a fact in your life – like a reliable car or an old pair of jeans."

"What?"

"Someone you could count on that didn't cost you anything," he explained. "Then the billet change came, we were about to lose the only thing we had left. And still … you said nothing."

"Neither did you," she pushed back.

"What more could I have said?" he asked not as rhetorically as it sounded.

Still she searched for an answer – or some kind of response.

"Captain Rabb?" an orderly called from the door. "There is a call for you at the nurses station. A Claire Underwood … she says that it's an emergency."

Harm looked to Mac. His expression did not betray what he was thinking or feeling. Mac assumed his ego was stroked that the hospital thought his rank high enough to track him down for a personal phone call that clearly was not a medical emergency or that he was flattered that his girlfriend would cause such a stink to get a hold of him. Of course she secretly believed that he was glad that Mac would have to acknowledge that he had another woman in his life as she had forced him to do with Erik.

In reality Harm was none of those things. If anything he was annoyed at Claire. Her sense of entitlement was going to be the death of them as a couple. In fact the straw had just broken the camel's back. However he was not about to 'break up' with her by the phone nor over the holiday.

He excused himself to take the call.

Mac chose that opportunity to stretch her legs as well. She saw him take the call, and hang up quickly. He exited down the stairwell, which she assumed was to return the call in private.

**LATER**

Harm had been loitering in the hall to talk to the doctor. He wanted to have some news when Bud and Harriet called. He was grateful that they hadn't already. From what he could tell, AJ was resting and that nothing had changed. He stood and watched him through the glass. AJ and Harm had become better friends since he left Washington. They had talked on the phone nearly once a week – standing appointment on Sunday morning. Harm had flown back a couple of times telling AJ it was only to see him. That was a white lie, and if AJ knew, he kept it to himself. Harm had tried as similar tactic with Mattie, but she was a seventeen/eighteen year old girl. She would email him daily and IM him to the point of distraction, but when it came time to actually seeing each other, she was busy. And she hadn't taken him up on visiting London on any of her vacations. She was a busy teenager with friends, boyfriends and a life in Blacksburg. She kept promising that the next one she would DEFINITELY go.

Harm never questioned why he went out of his way for AJ. It was easy to assume that he just wanted to take his duty as Godfather seriously. It could have been because AJ was much more responsive than Mattie was. But it also might have had something to do with Mac. There were times when he couldn't separate Mac as Godmother to his role of Godfather. It was undoubtedly the only connection he had left to her (presuming she took her role as seriously as he did). Therefore it meant that they would see each other at graduations, weddings – out side hospital rooms apparently. Regardless of the initial motivation, he found that he liked AJ more than he ever did before. He had been a bit of a brat when he was younger, but he was growing up to be a very smart, loving boy who was good to his siblings and his parents. To see him lying so still and hooked up to all the machines was very hard for Harm to accept. His love for the boy may not have run as deeply as a parent's love, but it was a close second.

"When was the last time you talked to him?" Mac asked quietly.

Harm turned to look at her. He known she was standing but had chosen not to speak. "Sunday," he said. "He was going to come to London for his spring break," he looked back knowing that that trip wouldn't happen.

"He sill may," Mac said softly.

"Maybe … maybe next spring," he stretched out the kinks in his spine. "How about you?"

"Me?" she was confused. Was he asking her to come to London?

"When was the last time you talked to him?" Harm explained.

"Thanksgiving … the week before … I was back in Washington and I had dinner with them."

Harm nodded. In all their conversations, AJ had never mentioned Mac. Harm assumed he was just being sensitive – maybe even coached by his parents. But it occurred to him that maybe Mac hadn't gone out of her way to stay connected to AJ in any special way so he would have no reason to bring her up. That made him sad. He took it personally.

"I am going to take a walk," he told her. "Should I call Harriet and Bud?"

"To say what?" she asked.

"To say that nothing has changed and they should rest for a few more hours."

Mac nodded. "You can try … but I don't think Harriet will stay away much longer."

**December 24, 2006 - 1330**

**Roberts Residence**

**Virginia**

The house was completely decorated for Christmas and the presents were spilling out from under the tree. The place was alive with people and music, laughing and talking. The good news had come that morning. AJ was on the road to recovery. He had been moved from ICU to a regular room and was expected to make a full recovery. The kitchen was bustling with activity. Harriet had asked (per AJ's request) that the annual Christmas Eve dinner go on as planned so everyone was pitching in to help. Dinner would be late, after visiting hours and Bud and Harriet were kicked out but no one minded. Christmas morning would be held in the hospital for just the family.

Harm was on the porch watching the kids playing in the snow. It was a beautiful day – clear and crisp. The way he remembered winter in Washington (unlike London). Watching the kids (still with the image of AJ hooked up to all those machines in his mind) made him realize that a child was what was missing in his life. He envied Bud and Harriet. He knew their history, he knew their troubles – he knew that given everything that could go wrong with a marriage and a child, it – a family - was the only true gift in life. It was a gift that he had longed to give and until he was able to, his life would be empty.

He had been asking himself a lot why did he not have a family. God knows he tried – with Annie, with Sergio, with Mattie, and finally with Mac. He had begun to wonder about his own worthiness. Was he just too selfish to sincerely give what was needed to a family? He had always been the star, the hero – he was the lead in his life. He discovered with Annie, Sergio and Mattie what he wasn't willing to give up and he lost all three. Maybe he was not the kind of man who would let himself be tied down with a wife and children – soccer practices and oboe lessons – trading his Vette for a minivan. Maybe he really was that ungenerous.

Maybe it wasn't a matter of generosity; maybe it wasn't a matter of finding the right person. Maybe it was a matter of making a choice. Claire was a choice. Claire was the only child of very wealthy parents who was expected to carry on the family name. She was eleven years younger than Harm, and she was ready to get married and have a child or two or three if only for the family honor. She really wasn't the mother type – but there would be nannies. He wasn't in love with her, but he did like her well enough. The reality was that he wasn't getting any younger, and the longer he waited to find 'the right person' the older he would get. As it was he would already be in his sixties when his kid graduated college and probably in his seventies when his grandchildren were born. He couldn't wait much longer. He was rethinking his decision to break-up; in fact he was turning 180 degrees. It was the only logical thing to do. It was a choice he could make.

Mac joined him. "Hi."

"Hi," he said distractedly without taking his eyes off the kids.

"A good day, huh?" she said.

"Very good day," he confirmed. "Wish I had remembered to bring the presents I had gotten for the kids,"

"I am sure they'll understand."

He nodded. "A present is a present and the kids don't care when they get it."

"Sometimes late is better than never," she stated.

He turned to look at her. "Sometimes never is better than late," he said cryptically.

She studied him for the moment wondering if he was going to freely explain, if he had to be asked or if it would be better if she just made up her own mind what he meant "Harm …" She had decided to assume what he meant and rebut it. "Sometimes never is judged too soon,"

Harm seemed unimpressed with her response. They were still talking around issues.

"Mac!" Erik called from the kitchen. "Mac, can you help us?"

She ignored him. "Harm, I'm sorry."

"What for?" he turned completely to her wondering why she had not leapt to Erik's aide.

"Many things."

"Mac?" Erik called again.

"Care to elaborate," he asked with a Cheshire cat grin she had not seen in years.

She was just about to open her mouth.

"Sarah!" Erik came out on the porch. "Didn't you hear me? We need your help in here,"

She was clearly torn. She looked at Harm, "Let me go take care of this,"

He shrugged and nodded toward her departure path. It seemed typical for Harm and Mac. What was even more typical was that they didn't have a chance to speak for the rest of the night. In addition to the number of guests (co-workers, school friends, soccer friends) dropping by to help rejoice in AJ's recovery bringing more presents and food, there was the entire Robert's clan including Harriet's parents, Mike and his wife with new baby on the way, Big Bud, Harm, Mac and Erik. It was hard to find a moment alone with anyone.

Erik never left Mac's side; Harm couldn't help but notice. They seemed good together; they had an easy way with each other. Harriet had told Harm that Erik had asked Mac to marry him at least twice. Harm had just assumed that the third time would be the charm. He didn't think it was a marriage made in heaven, but he had to admit Erik was real, honest and a very stable man. He could deal with Mac's need to be in charge and not let it affect his male ego. He would provide her a good life – not full of passion, but he would never lie to her, mislead her and his message would never be mixed. She would not have to guess, infer or question where his loyalties were. Mac had always needed that kind of stability in her life. He was happy for her; happy that she had finally found it.

Mac couldn't help but notice that Harm's phone rang nearly every 45 minutes. She didn't know for sure that it was Claire, but he always took the call and always moved out of earshot. Harm didn't seem as annoyed by her calls as he had at the hospital; in fact he smiled quite a bit while speaking with her. Mac knew nothing about Claire, she of course couldn't ask anyone about her without looking like a jealous ex-girlfriend and since had never actually made it to 'girlfriend' status, she couldn't be an 'ex'. So she had no idea how long they had been together, what she was like or how serious Harm was about her. She also couldn't help but notice that Harm was spending all his time with the twins. He was a great uncle and would be a better dad.

**December 25, 2006 - 1630**

**Rabb Residence**

**North of Union Station**

Harm was packing to head back to London. He hadn't really unpacked, but there was stuff all over the place. He had made a very reluctant decision that morning to sell his apartment, ask Claire to marry him and make his life in London – rather outside of the city with a house and a little bit of land. He would probably have to resign his commission since Claire would not want to live the life of a Navy wife nor move out of England, but would wait until the Navy ordered him stateside. His captain salary and overseas pay was not bad and he liked the work. He had to believe that clearing the air – or at least stating his side to Mac was the catalyst for the decision. That and being reminded how quickly life can be taken away. He had no regrets and he assumed the Claire would say 'yes', but that was not given. In fact he hadn't discussed any of his plans with Claire and he didn't really feel the need to. They had barely spoken twice since the call at the hospital but when he saw her again, he would propose and she would say yes and that would be that. It wasn't about love, passion or anything else. It was just the best choice at the right time. He was comfortable with the plan; it was the most logical way to go. Claire was just in the right place at the right time – or the wrong place at the wrong time, depending upon how one wants to look at it.

A knock came on his door that he had been expecting. Mac had called and asked if she could come by. She had a present from AJ for him and an Apple pie that Harriet baked that morning. He was surprised that Mac had agreed to be the messenger.

"Hi," he stepped back to let her enter.

"Hi," Mac wasn't nervous until she saw his face. There was something very compliant about him as if he had accepted his fate and was making the best of a bad situation. It was a look she knew from a long time ago. In fact it was that look about him that had made her push him away. As much as she had complained in the early years about his obsessions, his un-daunting tenacity and how one day it would get him killed, she preferred that Harm to the one she saw before her. That was the Harm that had spoken to her at the Admiral's Dining out, the Harm who had given up the fight and was beaten, broken and defeated pathetically offering the shell of the man that was left and asking for any crumb she was willing to give. She felt responsible for it back then, she saw her own brokenness in his eyes and worse than all of that – she didn't want what he was offering … it wasn't enough. It was all her fault. She had played with him, toyed with him, beat him into submission over the years and when he finally gave her what she had asked for, she didn't like what she got when she got it. "What happened?" she asked.

"Excuse me?" he took the pie from her.

"Nothing," she shook it away then thought better of it. "I thought maybe we could finish our talk."

"Oh?" he was all talked out, but owed it to her to listen to what she had to say. "Pie? Coffee?" he offered.

She declined both and started pacing the apartment frustrated at the state it was in – the state they were in. He didn't live there any more; they didn't work together anymore. All the stuff they were talking about was ancient history – all boxed up and covered with sheets, but why couldn't she let it go?

"I'm sorry Harm," she stated quickly.

"You said that the other day, what are you sorry for?"

She smiled. "Don't suppose a blanket apology would work? She asked.

"It would … if I knew what you were trying to gain."

"Gain?"

"If I accept your apology – your blanket apology – what would that mean?"

"That you have forgiven me," she was confused.

"OK … let's leave the question of 'forgiven what' aside … would that mean that we are friends again … and as friends would we be trying to build a friendship again --- or is it a way to ease our minds and go on about our lives – you know, housework."

She shook her head. "Never mind … it was a joke and I was trying to break the ice," she sunk down on the couch. "Do you have any pie?" she asked with a sideways grin. "Maybe something to wash it down with?"

After a moment Harm was sitting next to her. Before she took a bite, "I am sorry about what happened to you," she said quickly as if she were removing a band-aid.

"What happened to me?"

"You grew up … you matured … you …" She didn't want to say all the things she was thinking because she knew they would be hurtful. "You lost your drive."

"Did I?" he asked more to encourage her to talk, not because he was accepting her theory.

"When I met you, you were tenacious, impassioned … you would shoot off a gun in a court room or feed a red herring to a friend to win a case or just to prove your point."

"You hated that about me," he stated.

"Actually … no … it was what attracted me to you … but it also scared me."

"Why?"

"Cause you were so out of control … living on the edge," she sat up. "Running off to Russia at the merest inkling that your father might still be alive … or to save Sergio."

"I wasn't a maniac, Mac."

"No, but you didn't play by the rules … and that was the way I was when I was a kid and drinking."

"I was never out of control," he stated.

"Again … this is from my point of view," she took a breath. "I saw you blow past all the boundaries and nothing ever happened … you never got in trouble … you rarely if ever were reigned back in … and you were usually right … you typically won … you broke the rules and you won," she shook her head. "It annoyed me … I could never get away with some of the stunts you pulled and I was tired of playing it safe and losing. And if that weren't off putting enough, what scared me was thinking about the fact that some day you would be."

"Would be?"

"Reigned in … you would be taken to task … you would lose," she looked sad. "And not just lose a little … lose a lot."

He nodded. "And you were right."

"The losing was bad enough," she stated, "They broke you Harm … they broke your spirit."

"Who did?"

"We all did," she admitted. "Singers' murder … none of us supported you … yes we were ordered to stay away … but that wouldn't have stopped you if I were in jail."

"Why did it stop you?" he asked gently.

"Cause I doubted … I was angry … I was hurt … I was insulted … and if I were truly honest … there was a part of me that actually thought you could have done it. Not the killing part, that you had fathered Singers baby," she looked shamed.

"You really thought that?" he was very disappointed but it was history so he couldn't muster too many feelings about it.

She nodded. "When I came to your apartment that night, dressed in my pregnancy pad … I did it on purpose to hurt you. I wanted to hurt you … I wanted you to see me looking like that … knowing fully well that it would never be us. The logic is all twisted up now, but at the time it made sense – sort of. I honestly believed that Singer's baby was yours. I couldn't get the image of you and Singer out of my head … hell you and any woman …you and every woman … but me," she held up her hand. "And before you say anything … you never asked … you implied, inferred, alluded to, but you never asked … in my mind … and that night … the night I left for Paraguay it was too late."

"I wish I had known that," he stated.

"Don't be confused … I was over being mad and hurt the moment I left the apartment," she stated. "I damn near came back three times that night."

"I wish you had."

"Me too," she wrung her hands. "But I kept reminding myself that something would always stop us and I had convinced myself that if we were really meant to be together, it would have happened by then," she looked back to the past. "The horse was dead and we were just beating it out of habit."

"So when I saw you in Paraguay ..."

"I was nothing but surprised and confused," she stated. "Then your caustic remarks started and I got mad – but not really at you …"

"Just in my general direction."

"Yeah," she nodded sadly. "I have thought about this a lot in the recent years … it really had nothing to do with you, not really."

"Oh?"

"I am loathe to admit this, but that experience affected me profoundly and I was in shock," she stood up and walked to the window. "I was a trained marine, and I was shaken by Sadik,"

"I can understand that."

"Well I couldn't," she snapped. "I was in shock at first, in denial after that … that whole stupid relationship with Webb was screwed up around that incident. I had no business with him … he could never give me what I wanted or needed in life and he only wanted one thing from me, but somehow in my head I screwed it all up and told myself that that was the kind of love I deserved."

"I'm sorry." He truly was. He was pretty self-involved during that time and really didn't try to understand Mac's issues.

"And just as the nightmares were beginning to subside and I was ready to break off the dating with Webb, then Sadik came back, I murdered him and they all started up again."

"You didn't murder him," Harm corrected.

"I did Harm … I really did," she told him flatly. "I have killed people before in battle … but this was a case of premeditated murder. I went with a gun looking for a man that I intended to kill."

"He was a terrorist," Harm reminded her. "He would have killed thousands."

"I know who he was, and what he was planning on doing … but I didn't have to kill him. I could have brought him in alive … but I wanted him dead … I even convinced myself that it was because of Webb that I wanted him dead … but that was not true. I wanted him dead for me. I never believed I could do anything like that. That scared me and I was alone … the only person I could talk to about it was Webb and that was when things got really intense between us and everything just snowballed."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything … I had enough self-pity to last a life time, I don't need it from anyone else," she said a little too harshly, but sighed to show her remorse. "The murder of Sadik was only the start of a down hill spiral that I think I have only been able to pull myself out of recently. I can honestly say that I think I may have … quite possibly … maybe … have accepted my endometriosis … and finally have started to not take it personally … that it wasn't my fault … and it wasn't the price I had to pay for murdering a man … like the universe was conspiring to keep me from having what I want in life because I took a life in cold blood – and got away with it (sort of)," she looked at him. "I got it all over self-pity."

"Go back … the price you had to pay?"

"You may not know this … in fact I am sure you don't … but in my little tête-à-tête with Sadik, he had called me – among other things – barren and had offered his protection."

"Protection?"

"I don't know … wasn't trying to hear what he was saying … it was like debating with a mad man."

"You heard barren," Harm said.

"Hard to miss … anyway when I found out about my condition, I believed that he had cursed me – that I was barren – and that was the price I paid for murdering him," she smiled sardonically. "Think I would have preferred 10-15 in Leavenworth."

"You know … of course …"

"I have accepted and learned to live with both now … but at the time … everything was my fault … including you."

"Me?"

"When you told me how you felt and what you wanted at the Admiral's dining out … you were so defeated … broken … so not the man I knew and loved … full of life and passion and willing to go through fire for me or anyone else … Harm you were nothing if not an ego … that night … and for the next 12 months … your ego was deflated … and I took that as my fault," she stated. "I had to push you away … seeing you like that made me feel guilty and I just couldn't take any more guilt," she looked at him. "Of course that was the entirely wrong thing to do … you were the only one still alive … the only one I could have made atonement to … and I pushed you away."

"This is all so surprising," he was still processing all the things she had told him, trying to see their history from her side. "I don't even not know to think about all of this."

"Welcome to my head for the past four years."

"Four?"

"The last good day I remember was Christmas 2002. At the Roberts."

"I should have kissed you," he said nostalgically.

"What?" surprised that her fantasy only a day before was being echoed back.

"Under the mistletoe … at the Roberts … that Christmas eve," he reminded her. "It was a perfect night … you looked so beautiful and you were looking at me with the softest eyes I have ever seen from you. I should have told you that night that I loved you and kissed you under the mistletoe and asked you to spend your life with me."

Mac's heart broke. "I'm sorry," she said earnestly. "Things would have been so much better if we could … I'm sorry."

"Communicated," he filled in her blank. "I am sorry too."

"It's all so screwed up now," she ran her hand through her hair. "There are so many wrong things that need to be righted. So many can't be too soon forgotten … some will never ..."

He nodded sadly thinking that it was all too late. That they should accept offered apologies and move on … move past their past.

"Can I call you?" she asked.

"Mac, you know you can always call me," he said earnestly.

"No, I mean … yes I know that if I were ever in trouble you would help me," she admitted. "And you know the same goes for you."

"Of course," Knowing full well that she would not be his first call, nor he hers.

"I mean … can I call you … occasionally … now and then … to talk …" She saw the resistance in his eyes. "Or not."

"No … yes, of course you can call … it's just … well …" He couldn't believe he was about to tell her of his decision – a decision that could easily be changed. He blurted it out. "I have decided to ask Claire to marry me."

Mac leaned back away from him. "Oh," she said. "Well, I guess there is no way to mix that message," she looked defeated. "Congratulations."

Harm actually believed that there was a number of ways that a proposal of marriage could be mis-communicated and mixed. "I haven't asked yet," he smirked. "And she hasn't said yes."

"She will."

"I assumed you and Erik ..."

"Oh … no … well, not any more," she sighed. "We had a long talk last night and we have decided that we are going our separate ways."

"I'm sorry, Mac," A door was opened inside of Harm. A door he thought he had shut and locked.

"Don't be … it was a good decision and one that will be good for both of us," she said honestly. "We weren't right for each other," she laughed to herself. "Not sure I am right for anyone or that anyone is right for me."

"Sarah … " He didn't know how to convince her otherwise.

"Guess it's time to get that cat," she stood up and looked for her coat. She was embarrassed and needed to get out. "Well, I know your flight is early in the morning, so I will leave you to your packing."

"Right," he followed her to the door.

"It was good seeing you, Harm," she said clearly. "I am glad we talked through some things."

"Yeah … me too," he smiled. "Friends?"

She nodded but didn't confirm. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

With that she slipped out of the apartment. He went to the window to watch her drive away. He was fully expecting to see her red Vette parked out side, but she of course would be driving a rental car. He panicked not knowing what car she was in. He didn't see her leave the building. As if a spark were ignited deep with in him, a spark that he had thought was long since put out – he had to catch up to her (something he had never done before). He still had feelings for her and he could not let her walk out of his life one more time without exploring those.

He ran from his apartment, and couldn't wait for the elevator. He banged down the stairs and flew out the door. He scanned the street for her. She was not there. It occurred to him that he didn't have her cell number and he didn't know what hotel she was staying at.

"Harm?" her voice cracked beside him.

He turned and she was leaning against the wall of his building. She looked as if she had been crying – rather trying NOT to cry.

"Sarah," he was immediately relieved. "I need to say something to you … but I don't want you to misunderstand or misread … or get confused in anyway."

"Ok."

He thought about what he wanted to say, but the words would not formulate in his head. Anything he thought to say was too much … and anything else would be too little.

"Harm?"

He took a step closer to her and brushed some hair away from her eyes. "Sarah," he leaned down and kissed her. It was soft at first and became more intense. He pulled her into his arms and held her very close not breaking the kiss. He could feel the tension leave her body as she responded to him. It was about to hit the next level, when he hugged her close and whispered in her ear. "Call me, please," he breathed.

"Ok," Was her weak reply.

"Was I clear enough?" he asked playfully.

She smiled into his neck. "Just to clarify," she looked into his eyes. "You want me to call."

"Yes," he smiled.

"And then there is this part …" She pulled him down to her and returned the kiss.

"Yes," he still held her close.

"Claire?" she asked almost afraid to break the spell of the moment. "The proposal?"

"Change of plans … those have been cancelled," The thought of Claire and what his plan was from that morning was the furthest things from his mind. And he felt absolutely no guilt about that.

She smiled. "I'll call."

"And write," he added.

"And write," she confirmed. "You will return the calls and the written messages?"

"Yes," he nodded. "As soon as I possibly can."

She couldn't help but smile wider. "Then I think I am clear."

"Good," he released her.

"Very good," her eyes were freshly wet, but they were not tears of sadness. "Ok … well … I'll be calling you."

"I'll be waiting to hear from you," he stepped back.

He watched her walk to her car, give him a bright smile and wave, get in and drive away.

He sprung back up the stairs with a renewed vigor. It occurred to him that he didn't need to be back in London until after the New Year. He had an obligation to Claire, but he was still going to change his plane reservations and get back on New Years day. He didn't know how long Mac was in Washington for, but it didn't matter … not really … he needed time to think; now that they had had a new/old plan – another choice, he needed to think.

While on the phone with the airline, another call came in. "Rabb," he said when he answered not recognizing the number.

"Too soon to call?" came Mac's voice over the line.

"Not at all," he responded. "I'm just changing my flights."

"Oh?"

"Heading back on New Year's Day."

"Seems like a good day to fly," she said. "It was the day I picked,"

"Great minds," he quipped.

"I just had a quick question for you … then I will let you get back to the airline … this calling and writing … is that the only way we can communicate?"

"I don't understand," he thought he was clear.

"I'm just supposing … if – perchance – we were with in the same time zone … could the calling or writing --- communicating be … I don't know … over dinner … face to face?"

"Absolutely," he agreed readily.

"Good," There was a knock on his door and then it opened.

Harm turned and saw her standing there with the phone to her ear. "Do you need to finish that other call?" she asked into the phone.

"I do," he switched over never taking his eyes off of her as he walked toward her. "That would be fine. Email me the confirmation," he requested. "Thank you," he snapped the phone shut. "So … you were saying something about dinner?"

"Was thinking about the face to face," she grinned.

"Ya know I was too," he pulled her to him. "Maybe our communication problems are a thing of the past,"

"There are a number of ways to communicate … and some are mixed … and that isn't always a bad thing," she leaned up to accept his kiss.

"Not bad at all."

"Should we wait until you have had an opportunity to end it with Claire?" she asked.

"No," he said confidently. "I lost you once like that, I won't take that chance again."

She was not altogether happy with that answer.

"Claire knows you are here and she also knows some of our history," he told her. "She also knows that I am not in love with her."

"With anyone?"

He nodded and smiled at her, but didn't say the words. He kissed her instead and carried her off to bed.

**Hours Later **

They lay easily in each other's arms – happy and contented. Harm was thinking that he was grateful for a number of things, not the least of which was that he didn't throw his back out carrying her to bed.

"Did you ever believe this was going to happen?" she asked.

"The US that you declared would never be?" he pulled her close to let her know that it was a playful jab at their past not something that needed to be discussed or apologized for.

She kissed his shoulder. 'Yeah."

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I had lost a lot of hope of there ever being another chance for us, but I am not sure I would say that I ever gave up completely."

"I shouldn't tell you this, but I had fantasized a number of ways that this could have gone down over the years."

"Did you now?" he was intrigued.

"For a long time I convinced myself that the sex would not be good – wretched in fact - and that it would be worse to have done it and found out that we were not compatible – sexually speaking."

His ego was up. "That was not the case, was it?"

"No," she soothed him. "Not at all. But over the years I had assumed that we would – at one time or other – DO IT – ya know, like some night we were working late … one thing would lead to another …"

"That definitely could have happened," he had a few fantasies like that himself over the years.

"So I would go to the next step … in my head … to stop myself from pushing it on anyone of those nights and convince myself that it would have been bad, what would happen next?"

"A lot caustic remarks being fired from both sides I imagine," he laughed.

"Yep … and then of course there would have to be the SECOND CHANCE event … that would more than likely be better."

"And then one thing would lead to another and we would find ourselves doing IT a lot – and it would be GREAT."

"Yes, but without the emotional part," she told him. "Just a lot of great SEX."

"And how did you see that end?"

"Actually … I figured that it would finally come to a head and we would have to own our feelings and we would get it together."

"Married, happily every after for 40+ years … 2.5 and a dog?" he submitted.

"Something like that," she sighed. "I don't remember the dog."

"I always thought that we would go our separate ways, get married and have children with other people."

"That seems pretty final," she didn't like that scenario.

"Not really … your husband would be a deadbeat and you would divorce him after finding him in bed with someone."

"The nanny."

"Ouch … SNAP," he laughed. "As for me, I would probably have been forced into a marriage with a crazy woman who was pregnant,"

"With your luck it would have been twins."

"With my luck, they wouldn't have been mine – biologically …but we would meet up years later – after all the heat had cooled off our separation and we would some how figure it out -- merge the two families … have one of our own … and be so in love twenty five years later that we would renew our wedding vows … in a garden in our back yard."

"Very romantic, Harm," she kissed him. "Though I am sure those twenty five years were not piece of cake."

"No," he admitted. "But we would weather them together."

"I like the sound of that," she snuggled into him.

"I would sometimes fantasize what it would have been like if we had talked it out after the Admiral's Dining out. If we actually did get into a relationship … two old friends starting a new relationship … we would spend the year working through all our old stuff, buy a house, adopt Mattie and try to figure out how to bring a baby into our lives."

"I could see that ending in disaster," she said. "I was so screwed up about that I would probably have ruined the marriage if we had failed, divorced you and moved to the other side of the world to hide my shame."

"Still … we would have gotten back together."

"You have more faith than I do."

"It doesn't matter HOW we would have gotten together, there are so many scenarios – some ridiculous and some very realistic – some overly simplistic --"

"Like that coin toss scenario you suggested the other day."

"Yeah … and some overly convoluted taking years and years to work it out … but in the end it doesn't matter HOW … it was only a question of WHEN."

"You are that confident."

"I am now," he smiled and kissed her. "Mac, I knew that if I ever got you to admit that you loved me … and I did the same … nothing would ever keep us apart … for long."

"And not forever."

"Nope," he kissed her again. "Just to be clear … with no mixed messages … I love you, Sarah MacKenzie. I don't know where our future will take us or when it will begin in earnest; I have no idea what it will look like, but you can bet that we will be together, somewhere, somehow, in someway, someday."

"And that it will be some hard work," she submitted.

"Yes," he agreed. "But work well rewarded."

"I love you too," she echoed back.

"Merry Christmas," They said in unison.


	20. Christmas: Good Rest Ye Merry Gentle Mac

**Title: Good Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mac **

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2004**

**Spoilers: Christmas Day (After _Four Percent Solution_)**

**December 25**

**1218 EST – MacKenzie Residence**

Harm opened the door and allowed Mac to slowly walk in ahead of him. The house was decorated for Christmas: Christmas tree in the corner, a little garland around the fire place, soft carols coming from the stereo and fire lit and a small sampling of cookies and other treats lay on the table. Mac's eyes said that this was not how she had left her apartment the day before.

"How did you…?" Her words trailed off.

"Elves." Harm seemed just as pleasantly surprised.

She looked back at him about to press for more details, when a wave of pain shot through her. He helped her to the couch and covered her with the blanket.

"Harm?"

"It must have been Jennifer."

"Jennifer?"

"Called her last night to ask if she could bring us a change of clothes. Told her that we would be holed up here for a couple of days and she offered to stock the kitchen."

Mac looked to the kitchen to see if she was still there.

"And pick up a couple of DVDs," he looked over to the top of the TV set. There were about six or seven DVDs with a Christmas or romantic theme. Jennifer had an agenda.

"She did this all this morning?" Mac asked.

"This morning and last night I guess. I called her once you fell asleep."

Mac was clearly touched that Jennifer would take time out of her holiday to do something like that for her. True it was for Harm as well, but Mac and Jennifer were never that close. For the first time in a very long time Mac felt that she was part of the JAG family again.

There was a card on the table next to the plate of treats. Harm picked it up and handed it to her. It read:

"Rest up, Colonel. We love you. Harriet, Bud, AJ, Jimmy and the twins."

She looked up at Harm. "Did Harriet have the babies?"

"Not yet, but the doctor says any day now."

"Oh," she looked disappointed. "I was going to drop AJ and Jimmy's presents off last night." A look of concern washed over her. "They were in the trunk of the car."

"I got them."

"You?"

"Yeah, the guy that towed your car brought them to the hospital."

Again Mac was touched by the generosity of a virtual stranger. It must be the holiday.

Harm realized that something smelled great and it was coming from the kitchen. He discovered that a whole Christmas meal has been made for them and was left warming in the oven. Must have been from Harriett.

He came back with a glass of sparkling cider for each of them. "Looks like we don't have to leave this room for the next forty-eight hours," he laughed. "We have been stocked."

"We have some very good friends," her heart was full.

Harm nodded. "Merry Christmas, Sarah," he pushed his glass out toward hers.

She touched her glass to his. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

They each sipped and thought that the bad of the previous year – year and a half was finally over. That the future looked very bright and were secure in the fact that they would be meeting the next year – and years to come – together.

Mac was not hungry and actually wanted to take a shower. Harm reluctantly allowed her to do that. He made sure she left the door open and made her promised not to try to do anything that she shouldn't. The last thing he needed was for her to slip and fall in the shower. There of course was no discussion on whether or not Harm was going to stay. It was understood. It was also understood that the couch would not be made up as an extra bed. But of course those UNDERSTANDINGS were unspoken – unspoken understandings had gotten these two into trouble in the past.

A few hours later they were again both ensconced on the couch – Mac on one end propped up by pillows and blankets and Harm on the other end with her feet in his lap. Some silly Christmas movie was on the TV but neither one was really paying that much attention.

Actually it was the end of _**When Harry Met Sally. **_The final scene when Harry met Sally at the New Year's Eve dance.

"…_**And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."**_

"Harm?" She called softly to him.

He looked over at her not really sure if she spoke.

"_**You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry … I really hate you."**_

"Harm, I'm sorry." Mac said a little more loudly.

He rubbed his hands over her feet. "Thought apologies were a sign of weakness," he tried to laugh it off.

"Then I am weak," she returned, clearly not wanting to take anything lightly.

He sat up a little, hit the pause button on the DVD and turned to her. "You are one of the strongest people I know."

"I don't feel that way," she started to tear up.

"Talk to me," he said plainly.

"I am not sure what I should say … I am not sure what I want to say," she looked away quickly then back. "I love you, Harm."

He smiled. "I know."

She pushed his thigh with her foot letting the smile fight back the tears. "That is all you have to say?"

"I love you too … but you already know that."

Mac nodded. She actually did know that. She had known that for a very long time. She had known it when he seriously offered to be the father of her child back when she told him of her endometriosis. She had known it when she told him of Webb's death and subsequent resurrection. She had known it when she went after Sadik. She had known it when he asked for her help with Mattie the Christmas before. She had known it the day he left JAG. She had known it when he showed up in Paraguay to save her life. She had even known it the day she asked to go to TAD to the Coral Sea after Brumby left. She had known that Harm loved her since that night on the Admiral's porch. She had suspected it and even wished for it since she could remember, but she had known it – really known it – since the night he kissed her at her engagement party.

What she didn't know was how she felt about him. Her feelings for him were so complicated and confusing. Love wasn't supposed to be complicated or confusing, but then again when was Mac every really in love. Her husband was not about love it was about sex and alcohol. John Farrow was not love either; it was admiration. Dalton was an ego stroke, pure and simple. She was embarrassed about him. Mic – well it was different with Mic. He even called it. He asked if she loved him because he loved her. The answer to that was a resounding YES. Mac didn't want to be alone and Mic was offering her a lifetime of companionship. Ironically she never felt more alone than when she was with him. She couldn't talk to him, not like Harm. He didn't inspire in her what Harm did. Finally Webb. Webb was a mistake from the word GO. One thing that stuck her was that when McCool asked if she loved him, she said that she was "working on it." Why would she have to WORK on loving someone? She never had to work at loving Harm. Normally what she had to do was work at NOT loving Harm. The only thing that made it easier was that Harm and Mac were not trying to be in a relationship – at least not a sexual one. It was easy to just let her feelings be and not analyze them. That was of course until she was forced to reconcile herself to the fact that her feelings for him were coloring her decisions with other men.

"I guess I didn't know," she looked away.

"Know what?" He was confused.

"I didn't know that I loved you."

"Yes you did," he stretched his arm down the couch and gently touched her shoulder.

She smiled at him, his maturity, his confidence, his total acceptance and forgiveness of her and the mistakes that they each made was comforting. He had never been this consistent with her. He had never been so real with her.

"How can you be so sure?" She asked.

The question took him by surprise. "I don't know," he looked back at her. "Faith, I guess."

"Faith?"

"Faith in the fact that we have been through so much in our lives and have come out each time together … I guess I had faith that eventually everything else would fade away and the only thing left would be … us."

"Us," she said softly. "I said there would never be an 'us'."

"I should have objected to that statement at the time … there has always been an 'us' and fighting for the top both emotionally and physically is part of that."

"Are you saying that the fight is not over?"

"I am saying that we can both be on top … we just need to help each other up and make sure there is room for both of us."

Mac nodded.

"I do need to ask you something." Harm said taking her hand in his.

She waited.

"Last night you acknowledged that you have been pushing me away."

"And I apologized for that."

"You did. And the apology was accepted," he acknowledged. "My question is – are you still?"

"Still?"

"Are you still going to push me away?"

Mac looked down. She had no intention of pushing him away, but she didn't trust herself not to.

"I am seriously asking, Mac. I just need to know that we are finally on the same page. I am not asking you to change your life over night, and I don't expect anything other than to -."

"To try and take it slowly."

"Yes, slowly is fine. As long as we are moving toward something … together."

"Why are you asking me this?"

He laughed. "We have a history of misunderstanding each other … I don't want to be misunderstood anymore. Time is an issue, particularly if we want to try to have a baby. We are not at the end, but it is not that far out of sight. What I am trying --."

"Harm … Harm … We have waited too long as it is … while I am in no shape to make any change tonight … I would like to … we can take it slowly … we can let it happen."

He leaned back on the couch unconvinced.

"I won't throw any more road blocks at us and I won't push you away," she continued. "That is a promise."

"OK," he was still unsure.

"And if I do … you have my permission to call me on it," she smiled.

He returned the smile. "I will, you know."

"I believe you will."

It would have been the right time for him to kiss her, but he didn't want to push it and he didn't want to hurt her – it was enough just to be so easy with her.

"You can, you know," she sat up a little.

"I can?"

"You can kiss me," she pulled his hand toward her. "Gently."

He leaned forward and let his lips ever so lightly brush hers.

"Ow," she moaned.

He pulled back. "I'm sorry."

She laughed. "I was kidding," she pressed her lips to his a little more firmly. She touched his cheek and let her fingers glide over his lips and leaned back onto the pillows.

He leaned away. There was something about her that looked different. Aside from all the bruising and swollenness, she looked … dare he think it … happy, almost … merry.

"What?"

"You look …"

"Happy?" she confirmed. "I am. … I think we should take this to the other room," she suggested rubbing her foot on his thigh.

Wow that was a switch. "I think we need to follow doctor's orders and you need to take it easy for a few days," he said but was clearly happy for her suggestion. "You need to get some good rest."

"Good rest … that is exactly what I am suggesting … so … take me to bed so we can … rest," she grinned.

He just shook his head in disbelief. He wasn't about to turn her down, but he also knew that he could not push it too far. He would take her to bed and hold her all night and that would be enough for the moment. He hoped he could remember that when he finally got her in his arms.

"Can I just suggest one thing?" she said as he helped her to standing.

"Sure."

"Just because you know something, doesn't mean you don't like to be reminded of it."

He didn't understand.

"You can tell me you love me – every once and a while."

He brought her hand to his lips. "I love you, Sarah."

"I know," she smiled. "But I like how you say it."


	21. Christmas: When My Heart Finds Christmas

**Title: When My Heart Find Christmas**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2003**

**Spoilers: Through Mid-Season Nine Sans Mattie **

Monday, December 22, 2003 ... - - 1346 EST - JAG Headquarters

Harm was in the admiral's office on the phone.

"No, Mom. ... I think it's a great idea. ... You two deserve some time away. ... Of course I don't mind. ... The admiral has left me acting JAG so I couldn't go anyway ... No, I think this is more like a punishment. ... Bud and Harriet usually throw a huge party ... And I might go up and spend some time with Gram ..."

He was bored with the conversation. Soothing his mother's guilt about 'abandoning' him for the Christmas holiday was not much fun, particularly because he felt compelled to lie. Why lie to his mother? Harm was expecting to spend this holiday alone – all the people in his life had obligations and none of them included him. If truth were told, he was relieved; relieved to be left alone. The past year had been very hard on him – it had taken its toll. Technically speaking, he was exactly where he was a year prior: health-wise and professionally. Financially he was broke – flat broke with no leave coming. Personally and emotionally however, he had lost everything. The friends he could have spent Christmas with were estranged from him as much as he was estranged from them. He was not longer the prodigal son, larger than life hero or accepted friend to the admiral, Bud or Sturgis. What bothered him the most was the feeling that he had sunk his own battleship with the choices that he had made. Could this last SELFLESS mission really have been the one that destroyed him? And if it were, who's fault was that? He needed some time to reflect, review and set new goals for himself. He was even questioning whether or not to continue in the Navy. The Christmas break would give him time to at least start getting this thought-ducks in a row.

"… Things are fine with Mac … that is all I have to say on the subject. … Mom … Mom … Mom, I have to go. ... "

Now she was again pushing the MAC AGENDA. He was not about to tolerate that discussion again. He hadn't told his mother all the ugly details, but felt that he told her enough to get her to let it alone. There was no telling what Mac was thinking or feeling from one day to the next. He wasn't holding out hope for her --- actually yes he was. She was the only reason he went back to JAG. He was expecting the cold shoulder and the politeness; he wasn't expecting her disdain or her disregard. He probably should have. Of course that was Harm's opinion. What was really going on between him and Mac was anyone's guess. Since he had been back it has been running hot and cold between them – hot being anger and irritation and cold being silence. They were friendly enough most of the time, but nothing really personal. He assumed it was just a matter of time before they got their friendship back and working together would necessitate that. But it was too soon. Too soon to expect sincere CIVILNESS. She had left on Friday without saying good-bye. She had the following week off. He knew she had plans with Chloe (and probably Webb), but she could have at least said good-bye, left a Christmas card, an e-mail, called from the road – something to say Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, have a nice life. It hurt him more than he was willing to admit and his mother's comments were just rubbing salt in the wound.

He cut her off.

"Hey, Mom. I have to go. I have a client coming in 15 minutes. ... I'll talk to you soon. - - I love you too. ... Merry Christmas."

Lt. Noel Josephs was a corpsman on the USS Seahawk. He was accused of stealing medical supplies – particularly $800,000 dollars worth of narcotics ear-marked for the marines holding Baghdad.

The sergeant at arms brought the corpsman in.

"You can uncuff him, sergeant."

"Sir?"

"Uncuff him and close the door on your way out," Harm ordered.

The corpsman rubbed his wrists after the cuffs were removed and waited for the sergeant to close the door. "Sir, may I use your phone" he asked quickly.

"You will have time for that later."

"With all due respect sir, time is of the essence."

"Who are you calling?" Harm asked.

"My wife, Mary."

"She knows where you are," he assured him.

"That is the problem sir," he protested. "I don't know where she is. When she found out I had been arrested, it was the last straw. She said she was going to leave the kids with a neighbor and go."

"Go where?"

"I don't know sir. She could be anywhere," he was clearly upset. "That was three days ago."

"They haven't let you use the phone in three days?" Harm asked.

"No … no … they have," he corrected. "It was disconnected."

"How about we go by there after we are done here."

"Sir, I'm from Alaska," he explained. "My wife and I have a home in Fairbanks. At least we used to until this whole mess started."

"What whole mess?"

"With the meds, sir." He swallowed hard. "Actually it was with my second tour."

Harm, as acting JAG, shouldn't take on another case particularly one with all kinds of extenuating circumstances, but this one he could not delegate mainly because there was no one to delegate it to. "Go on – might as well tell me what happened."

"The phone?"

"If it was disconnected, who are you going to call?"

"Her mother, her sister, her father, my best friend … my mother - - anyone who will talk to me. This arrest could not have come at a worse time. I was headed home. I should have been there yesterday."

"Let's get you acquitted and then deal with where you wife is."

"Honestly sir, can we do it the other way around?"

"If that's what you want."

"I do."

Harm looked him up and down and then nodded to the phone.

"Thank you, sir."

Harm moved to the other side of the office and gave the corpsman the desk. It took Noel six calls to find someone at home. It was Mary's sister. The conversation got heated and Noel was hung up on.

"She knows where Mary is," he pleaded to Harm to do something. "She knows."

"Then she knows your wife and kids are safe," Harm consoled. "We will find her."

"I have to get to her."

"Well, that is not going to happen unless we get you cleared of these charges."

He slumped back in the chair. "I didn't do it sir."

"Do you have any idea who might have?"

"To be honest sir, I don't think anyone did. I think it was a SNAFU."

"A SNAFU?"

"Yeah, you know, situation normal all –."

"I know what it means, sailor. How does it apply?"

"I think there was a computer glitch – the paper work said we received more than was actually sent. Things have been kind of crazy of late, with people coming and going and switching jobs. It is hard to keep track of everything."

"So you are suggesting you signed for supplies that you didn't receive?"

"It's not the first time, sir. If you don't sign for the whole order, then you don't get any of it, and some of that stuff was vital – shit is happening there everyday. I don't care what you read in the papers."

"The capture of Sadaam …"

"Gave a shot in the arm to the morale, but little else has changed."

They continued to talk about the situation with the supplies and Harm made some notes. Josephs was clearly distracted. He was not concerned about the charges as much as he was concerned about his wife. Harm finally relented and promised to do what he could to find his family.

"Tell me about you wife, corpsman," Harm said gently. "What makes you think she would abandon your children?"

Josephs told his story. Not a typical story, but not novel by any means. Harm could not place himself in Josephs' position, but he did sympathize. Noel Josephs was clearly a man who put country over family, and lost. No one deserved that. What Harm did empathize with was being forced to choose and the loss that comes with the choice you make. "Do you love your wife, corpsman?"

"Sir?"

"Well you talk a lot about loving your kids, your job, the navy and your country – but you have yet to tell me how you feel about your wife."

"Mary is a very difficult woman to be with sir. She is very independent and very closed mouthed. She is not really a hearts and flowers kind of woman."

"Yet, you tell me that she doesn't like being alone."

"With the kids, sir. She is not maternal by nature. She never wanted kids. I had to convince her not to abort Lorelei."

"Would she hurt your children?"

"No, sir. Absolutely not. But kids can be very draining."

"So you think she would leave the kids somewhere and take off?"

"I think – maybe - I don't know sir. I need to speak with her. I am the only one who can make this right."

"Then we better find her."

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 ... - - 1453 EST - JAG Headquarters

Harm was in the admiral's office. He was dealing with about seven things at once.

Petty Office Coates stuck her head in the door. "The admiral is on the phone for you sir."

"Again?" Harm rolled his eyes.

The admiral and Meredith were headed to Italy. It would be the first time Meredith had met Francesca. The admiral was obviously nervous and was calling Harm every five minutes with 'last minute' instructions. Their plane left three hours prior, but thank God for air phones – or not. Harm knew the phone calls would not stop until he was on the ground in Italy.

He picked up the phone reluctantly. "Rabb ... The Josephs case … Yes, sir. … Yes, sir. … The bond was set so high that the corpsman will have to spend Christmas in the brig …Yes, sir. There are some extenuating family issues and I would like to get him home for Christmas … Yes, sir … Thank you, sir." Harm hung up. He would have said all that 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year' stuff but he knew that the admiral would call again – probably in ten minutes.

"Captain Antilla from Fairbanks for you sir." Coates said.

Harm pulled the file and picked up the phone. "Thank you for returning my call, captain."

Bud knocked, entered and waited patiently for Harm to get off the phone.

Bud and Harriet wanted to get out early that day so they could drive to Florida to spend Christmas and New Years with Harriet's family. Harriet was spending most of her time on the cell phone dealing with the Christmas Eve USO event in Iraq. She could very easily have done that from home (she was next to useless at the office) but she was pretending to work. Bud was doing some last minute filing and helping Harm as best he could.

"Captain ... I understand ... I understand your predicament ... I have a corpsman, a citizen of your town looking for his wife and children

... her name is Mary Josephs ... no this is not a joke. ... Wait ... Don't put me on hold!" He pulled the phone away from his ear. Clearly he had been put on hold.

"What are you working on, sir?" Bud asked.

"Josephs. I am trying to find his wife's family. She has gone missing."

"Can I help sir?"

"Yeah, Bud. Hold my Hold."

Bud took the phone.

"Who am I holding for, sir?"

"Captain Antilla, Fairbanks police department."

Harriet walked in with some papers for Rabb to sign. She had her earpiece in her ear and was talking the entire time.

"No ... No ... Yes ... We have been over this," she shook her head and walked out.

"You are going to have to have the earpiece surgically removed," Harm laughed.

"The sooner the better."

Harm looked down at the papers she just handed him. They were the wrong ones. He picked them up and followed after her. "Harriet!"

Just then Captain Antilla came back on the line.

"Uh ... No, this is Lieutenant Roberts. ... Yes, I can take the information." Bud wrote down what was told to him and thanked the person on the other end. He took some other notes from the file and left the office.

Harm came back in. "Bud! Bud! Damn it, what happened to my hold?" The phone rang again. "Rabb! ... Yes, Admiral. ... No, sir. ... Yes, sir. ... Not yet, I will sir. Right away," he had other fires to put out. The information from Fairbanks would have to wait.

... - - 1616 EST - JAG Headquarters

Harm was buried under a mound of paperwork. No one was returning his phone calls and he could get nothing done. It seemed that for most people the holiday had already started. The staff was less than helpful asking for long lunches and to leave early to get a jump on the holiday.

"Hey Harm!" Chloe flounced in and dropped a plate of cookies right in front of him. She had a friend with her. "Donna … this is Harm … Mac's Harm." She was acting "big" in front of her friend. Harm looked past the girls and noticed Mac standing in the doorway. He wondered what her reaction was to "Mac's Harm."

"Chloe," he said drolly. "Nice to meet you Donna," he flashed her a 1000 watt smile. He looked back up at the doorway and Mac was gone. "So what are you two doing here?"

"We came down to Washington on Saturday to spend a few days with Mac before my father gets back on Christmas Eve." Chloe was very proud of having Mac in her life and loved showing her big sister off.

"Are you going to ask him?" Donna nudged Chloe.

"Ask me what?" Harm encouraged.

"Donna and I have a school project." Chloe said. "We need to interview twenty-five people –

"Each." Donna corrected.

"- Each and find out what they want for Christmas."

"We need to ask old people." Donna further explained.

"Old people?" he laughed. "So glad you thought of me."

"You know – not kids in class."

"Nice save," he shook his head. "Who have you asked so far?"

"We asked all of my family," Donna helped. "That was six."

"And we went to the library before we left home. And then the people out there," she waved to the bullpen.

"Yeah, but we are getting stupid answers," Chloe added.

"What do you mean 'stupid'?"

"Well, most people are saying they want 'peace' or 'to cure cancer' or health and happiness for their family."

"Not such stupid requests," Harm said.

"But that is not what we want to know."

"You are looking for an item, a tangible item – like something you can buy with cash?"

"Well, to be honest, when you ask OLD people what they want, it becomes less and less material with age," he thought about the things he wanted and most of them were not about Christmas and money could not buy them.

"My mother wants a new car," Donna stated. "And my father asked for a new set of skis."

Harm looked to the door. "Did you ask Mac?"

"Yeah, but she is still thinking about it. She wants to make it a good wish, I guess."

"So what do you want, Harm?" Chloe asked again.

He thought for a moment. "Well, you know, I am not sure. Haven't given it a lot of thought."

"If you could have anything."

"Money is no object."

"If a genie were to grant you one wish, what would it be?"

Harm got very reflective for a long moment. He looked back up to the empty doorway. "I would have to say 'a second chance'."

"A second chance at what?"

"Just one more chance to do something differently than I had the first time – say something differently, answer a question differently."

"Like on _**Who Wants To Be A Millionaire**_?" Chloe blurted in.

"Is that another lifeline?" Donna was confused.

He laughed at Donna's youth. "No."

"You mean you want to go back in time and fix a mistake – like in Terminator."

"Don't want to go back in time, just to be in a position again to make a different choice."

"That doesn't make any sense." Chloe stated.

"Haven't you ever wanted a second chance at something?"

"Could have used another chance at the history test last week," Chloe confirmed.

"Or when Billy Andrews asked you to go to the movies with him," Donna nudged her again.

"Billy Andrews?" Harm asked.

"Just a kid in school. No big deal," she didn't want to talk about Billy. "But we can't write down 'a second chance'."

"I am sure your teacher will know exactly what it means."

"A second chance, huh?" Chloe was skeptical. "But you won't tell us at what?"

"Nope," he smiled and took another cookie.

Chloe leaned over to Donna, "I bet it has to do with Mac."

The girls giggled and Harm noticed that Mac had come back into the doorway; he didn't know when she had gotten there or how much she had heard of the conversation. She entered. "OK girls, you need to pass more cookies out."

The girls ran from the room. "Hi," Harm's eyes softened as he took her in. She was a beautiful sight. She looked happy and relaxed. Chloe had that effect on her. "Thought you were off this week," he was thrilled to see her. It meant that she didn't leave without saying goodbye or without wishing him a Merry Christmas.

"I am. Playing tour guide with the girls," she smiled at him. "Hey, I have a favor to ask."

"Anything," he offered a little too quickly and freely.

"You don't even know what it is," Mac liked that he would do anything for her without asking one question even though they were not quite friends again.

"Can't think of a thing I would refuse you, Mac."

She let her smile cross her whole face. "Don't be nice, that is going to make this harder to ask."

"Harder?"

"If I know you won't refuse me anything …" she said slyly. "I'm not sure I want to waste it with this request."

"I'll give you this one for free," he looked pleased with her answer. "What do you need?"

"You know the bike we got for AJ?" he nodded. "Well it arrived yesterday."

Harm knew immediately where the request was going. "In pieces."

"How did you know?"

"Did you think Santa's elves were going to put it together for you?"

"Well, I had hoped to convince one elf to," she smiled coyly. "I am not really good at that kind of stuff."

"What are you talking about, marine? You can strip, clean and reassemble any rifle ever made in less time than it takes most people to find their keys."

"I am just a girl," she batted her eyes and tried to be cute. She didn't have to try that hard. She was out of uniform and looked very sexy in a tight green sweater and jeans with a pendent that bounced off her ample breast in such a way as to be intoxicating.

"There is no JUST about you, Colonel," he smiled. "Throw it in the back of my car, I will do it tonight."

"Already there," she grinned.

"Sometimes it really bothers me that you know me so well," he slumped down in the admiral's chair.

"You look good behind that desk, Harm," Mac observed.

"I said I would do it," he held up his hand. "You don't have to butter me up any more."

"I wasn't," she assured him. "You will make an excellent JAG."

"Not anytime soon. Still in the dog house," he waved to all the paper work on his desk.

Jennifer stuck her head in. "Excuse me colonel. Commander, the judge is on the phone."

Harm nodded and picked up the phone. "Rabb. ... Yes, your honor. ... Thank you, ma'am. ... Yes, ma'am," he hung up.

"What was that about?"

"Corpsman Josephs. They are trying to keep him in the brig over the holiday and his family is in crisis."

"So you called the judge?"

"She agreed to a hearing tomorrow at 1130 about his bail. I think she got a call from the admiral," Harm smiled knowing that his boss was helping him even from 3000 miles away. Guess the prodigal son's return was not as unwelcome as Harm thought it was.

"Josephs, the corpsman accused of stealing medical supplies?"

"Circumstantial at best."

"What is going on with his family?"

"Problems with the wife. She has disappeared and we are not sure if she took the kids or left them with someone. Well, not disappeared. There are people who know where she is, but no one is talking to Josephs."

"Can I help?" she meant it.

"Yeah, take the case away from Mattoni. He wants this guy keel hauled."

"Really."

"No, he wants me keel hauled and will take it out on Josephs."

Just then Chloe and Donna came running back in. "Cookies have been delivered, Mac."

"OK. I'll be right out." The girls scampered away.

"Two fourteen year old girls, Mac?"

"Thank God for marine training. You should see my apartment."

He laughed. "I can only imagine."

"I'll come by tonight to get the bike, when do you think?"

"21 - 2130."

"Thank you."

"What are you doing?"

"Taking the girls to the Nutcracker."

Harm smiled slyly. "Training the young females early, are you?"

Her face scowled playfully. "Are you calling me a ball buster?"

"If the pumps fit, colonel."

"See you later," she laughed and left.

... - - 1835 EST - JAG Headquarters

Harm was alone in the office. He had sent everyone home early and he stayed behind trying to finish up and locate Mary Josephs. He had finally reached someone at the number he was given for her new residence.

"Commander Rabb ... JAG Corps ... I am Noel Josephs' attorney ... yes, his lawyer ... I need to speak with Mrs. Josephs. ... What do you mean 'gone'? ... When was the last time you spoke with her? ... She didn't leave a note? A forwarding address? ... Do you have any idea where she has gone?" The person on the other end of the phone barked something and hung up. Harm was back to square one.

"Damn it," he threw the file across the room.

... - - 2116 EST - Rabb Residence - North of Union Station

Harm sat on the middle of his apartment floor with bicycle pieces all around him. He was reading through the instructions. The music was up (The Nutcracker) and a fresh pizza sat off to the side. Since we last saw him he had gone for a run, taken a shower and changed into sweats. He actually looked like he was having fun. Mac knocked and entered.

"Hey," she smiled.

"Hey," he said. "You're early."

"It's 2116."

He checked his watch. "Oh, sorry. Guess I'm late. Can you wait while I finish this?"

"You haven't even started," she squatted down across from him and sorted through some of the parts.

"I have too, I made sure all the pieces where here and laid them out in a very organized manner."

"Phase I."

He sensed that she wanted to go. "I can bring it by later if you want."

She checked her watch. "I'm OK for time."

He was thinking she had a late date with Webb.

She continued, "Left the girls with three videos and a ton of cookies and popcorn."

He relaxed. "No where else you need to be?"

"Nope."

"Good," her lack of date with Webb was a gift to him. "Grab yourself some pizza and a drink and roll up your sleeves."

She took off her coat and settled herself on the floor across from him. She pulled the instructions out of his hand. "Do you really think we can do this together?"

"Why not?" he pulled the instructions back away from her.

"Who will lead?" she held her hand out for the instructions.

He shook his head, handed them back. "You can supervise, you are ranking officer – this bike was your idea."

She spied him suspiciously. "That was a little too easy."

"Not going to fight with you about this, Mac."

"About other things?"

"Not tonight," he took a drink from his beer.

"Are you feeling OK?"

"I'm glad you're here," he paused as he realized he gave too much away. He needed to recover. "Grateful for the help," he picked up some of the pieces of the bike to show that he meant nothing more. Well, he wanted her to think that he meant nothing more.

She nodded to accept his implication – but clearly she was not convinced – she was glad he was glad.

The scene morphed – in the center of the apartment the pizza box went from full to empty, the full beer bottle turned into two empties next to a couple of empty Snapple bottles, and the pieces and parts were assembled into a shiny new bike with a bow on the handle bars. Harm was washing his hands and Mac was sitting on the couch.

Time? 2225

"We did very well for our first attempt," she said proudly.

"So when little Jimmy is old enough we'll do better?"

"I expect that we will," she laughed.

Harm sat down next to her on the couch and surveyed their work.

She turned toward him. "We have another problem."

"What is that?" he could smell her perfume and something else … he assumed it was fudge and pine. It was very intoxicating.

"Bud and Harriet already left for Florida," she slurred.

"They left this afternoon," he confirmed, not understanding the problem.

"Well I thought it would be nice for AJ to have his shiny new bike on Christmas morning." She ran her hand down his arm. "You know … Under the tree."

Her flirting did not escape his notice, but he forced himself to stay focused on the conversation. "You just thought of that now?'

"Well, no, but…" she smiled slyly. "I thought - - -."

He cut her off. "You want me to drive this to Florida?"

"I would, but I have the girls," she played with the cuff of his rolled up sleeve. "And I thought that you – being who you are – would not have to drive."

"Me being what? A pilot?" he was clearly enjoying her trying to seduce him into this task. "You want me to fly this to Florida on Christmas morning?"

Mac shrugged and smiled sweetly. "I know how much you like to fly and haven't really gotten a chance to since you have been back at JAG."

"Did you see a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer in my driveway?" he mocked annoyance.

"It would make AJ so happy."

Her fingers were playing with his watchband. The physical contact was very arousing. "I'm sure it would."

"It's OK," she leaned away from him. "He can get it when he gets back," she mocked a pout. "It's just too bad that he won't be able to ride it until spring – all that snow and ice."

"There is no snow and ice, Mac," he corrected.

"There will be," she shivered sexily. "And it is so warm in Florida. Perfect bike riding weather."

"Where would I get a plane?" he couldn't take his eyes off of her mouth.

"Don't you have a plane?" she pursed her lips.

"I can't put this in SARAH and fly it down there," he protested, but all he wanted to do was kiss her. "First of all I would freeze my ba– it would be very cold."

"You don't have any strings you can pull?" she licked her lips. "Favors to call in? People who have access to planes?"

"You are too much," he smiled.

"Too much for who?" she smiled coyly at him. "Not you."

He looked at her for a long moment. Did she want him to kiss her? He wanted to, GOD KNOWS, he wanted to. And if she kept acting like a flirt after her first glass of champagne – she was going to get it. But after everything they had been through – he needed a more blatant sign.

"Let me make some calls," he relented although he did want to see how far she would go to convince him. He wanted to find out how grateful she would really be.

"Thank you, Harm," her eyes flashed. "The true spirit of Christmas."

"I may need a co-pilot, Rudolf," he touched her nose.

"You sure you want to get on a plane with me?" she took his hand. "They have a habit of falling down when you are I are together."

"Well, there is that." He let his fingers entwine with hers.

"Of course your luck appears to be changing," her voice was suggestive and low.

"You think?" he said softly hoping to get her to look at him

"I think," she returned the look and again licked her lips.

That was his cue. She wanted him to kiss her. She even leaned toward him.

He waited just a second too long savoring the anticipation. Her phone rang. The moment was broken.

She looked truly sorry for the interruption. She waited until the second ring before she answered it. "MacKenzie. . . . Oh Hi . . . You're kidding. That is great. . . . When?" her voice took on that high friendly voice she saves for very special people. Harm got to know it well when she would talk to Brumby on the phone. She got up and walked away.

Harm didn't listen anymore. It had to be Webb and he really didn't want to hear what she was saying. He took the garbage out. Mac met him outside.

"I'm sorry I had to take that," she did seem sorry.

"It's fine," he said sadly.

She knew that he was disappointed (she was disappointed) – yet another missed or interrupted opportunity. It wouldn't be right to try to set the stage again. "I need to go. Can't leave the girls alone for too long," she tried to let him know that she was not leaving him to go meet with Webb. "I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Fine," he said with more irritation than he really wanted to express.

"Harm --- "

He cut her off. "I'll make sure to get the bike to AJ by Christmas morning," he looked up toward his apartment, anywhere so that he didn't need to see her eyes. Rather so she could not see the disappointment in his.

She was being dismissed. "Thank you," she leaned up and kissed him on the side of the mouth. Clearly she was hoping for more; hoping that he would return it, but the moment was broken. "Merry Christmas," she said sadly.

"Yeah, Merry Christmas," he didn't feel very jolly.

Just then a car came screeching around the corner. It was a little silver Porsche. It sped to the end of the alley, pealed a u-turn and then started back toward Harm and Mac. It stopped inches away from Harm (who had moved Mac out of the way).

Beth O'Neill jumped out. "Hey Partner --- wanna take my new toy out for a spin?"

Mac looked at Harm who was broadly smiling at Beth. She felt a surge of jealousy.

"Beth!" Harm wrapped her up in a hug. "It's great to see you."

Mac cleared her throat.

"Oh, sorry," Harm was reminded of his manners. "Beth O'Neill, Sarah MacKenzie. But you already -"

"Nice to meet you," Mac said coolly. She did not place Beth as the commander she prosecuted a year or so prior for sexual harassment. All she knew was that Beth had referred to Harm has 'partner' and they seemed very close.

"Ma'am." Beth nodded.

"I'll let you two get to it," she sniped and strode off.

He watched as Mac got in her car and drove away. He wasn't sure what he should feel but knowing that she was a little put off by Beth made him feel a little better – not good, not happy, just better. He was done playing these games, but it was nice to know that she still cared enough to be miffed.

"So that's her?" Beth stated.

"Her who?" he asked checking out the engine. "Very nice."

"Your old partner." Beth ignored his comments about her car. "I saw it in her eyes – and yours," she nodded and he did not deny it. "So you two are talking again."

"Obviously."

"Didn't look like you were burned out anymore – in fact you two looked pretty heated."

"It's not like that," he slammed the trunk down and motioned for the keys.

"Right – fine - whatever."

"We are just friends – colleagues actually. And we are the godparents of a five year old," he defended, but it sounded stupid in his own ears. "It is easier to be nice to each other."

"Right," she looked past him. "She doesn't like me."

"She doesn't remember who you are," he corrected. "And she doesn't know that we flew together for the agency."

"She is jealous of me."

"Why would she be jealous?" Harm didn't want to talk about Mac any more.

"You didn't feel the need to tell her about me and here I am showing up at your house uninvited," she shrugged. "Jealous."

"She is on her way to see her boyfriend," he corrected.

"So? Are you really that stupid about women that you think one precludes the other?" she grinned at him.

"It's not like that."

"I suppose you never told her that I was --."

"Need to know," he stopped her. "She didn't ask, I didn't tell."

"Nothing? Not now, not then?"

"It was not my business to out you," he was sincere about that.

"How about now?"

"Why should I?'

"Right," she rolled her eyes. "And you wonder why you can't catch the girl."

"From someone who knows all about catching girls."

"You should listen to me, Rabb," Beth warned. "Caught and kept at least one more than you have."

"It's not an issue," he claimed. "It's not like that with me and Mac."

"And it never will be if you let her imagination run away with her."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You don't need to protect me. That's what that means." Beth shook her head. Harm was just too dense to realize that sometimes it is important to explain that the perceived competition really is not. "Forget it – you have to take this baby out and open her up," she was referring to the car.

"You know I fly F-14's, don't you," he said climbing into the driver's seat.

"Ain't nothing like the feel of the road beneath you, buddy boy."

"I can think of plenty I would prefer to feel beneath me," Harm looked down the road at where Mac had disappeared. "And most have limited exposure to black top."

"Drive, Commander."

They sped off.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 ... - - 1133 EST - JAG Headquarters

Harm and Corpsman Josephs were waiting in the courtroom. Mattoni hadn't shown up yet. The judge was getting impatient. She was just about to call the whole thing off when Mac walked in.

"I am sorry to keep you waiting, your honor," Mac said taking her position behind the prosecution table. "This case was just transferred to me this morning."

"What happened to Commander Mattoni?"

"Family emergency."

"Can we proceed?"

"Yes, ma'am," Mac looked at Harm quickly and carried on. "Your honor, after reviewing the files I feel that the recommendation for bail was set unduly high."

"I conquer," Harm thought for sure she would next dismiss the charges. He loved that she came in to help him.

"There is nothing in the corpsman's history to suggest that he would be a flight risk. However, due to the severity of the crime I don't feel that we can let him out on his own recognizance particularly considering his home state is Alaska."

"Your suggestion, Colonel."

"We think confinement to the Norfolk base until the trial has concluded would be sufficient."

"Your honor," Harm was pissed now. She was not helping him at all. "The evidence in this case is circumstantial at best, and while I believe my client will be cleared of all charges in due course – "

"In due course, commander – not on your say so."

"Yes, your honor, but there is a more pressing matter."

"Pressing matter?"

"Corpsman Josephs wife and children - need him."

"That is hardly compelling, commander. There are a lot of men and women who are away from their families at this time of year. And I am sure each and everyone of them are needed at home as well."

"Yes, your honor. However his wife is threatening divorce and taking the children out of his reach."

"Again commander, we are at war and unfortunately there are casualties at home as well."

"Your honor, he has already received his orders to return home. He has served his country – for the second time. By belaying those orders now, we are effectively destroying the home he fought to protect."

"You honor," Mac protested. "Those orders were given prior to the filing of the charges for theft. Obviously those orders were belayed."

"I am sorry commander, he is not relieved of his duties until this situation is resolved, one way or the other."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I am sorry for your family troubles corpsman. You will be confined to the base at Norfolk for the duration of the trial," she banged the gavel.

Harm looked defeated. He gave Mac a sidelong look and then turned to the corpsman. "This is good. This is fine," he was struggling to find the upside. "At least you will have the run of the base and the base services. That means phones, faxes and computers. We will find her and the kids, you will be able to talk with her."

"I am not sure that will be enough, sir," he said sadly. "But thank you for trying."

The bailiff stepped up to take the corpsman away.

"Just a moment bailiff," Mac said. "Commander, will you and your client please step into my office?"

"What is the matter, colonel? Want to -."

"Commander – you might want to hold that thought," she stepped out in front of him.

Harm and the corpsman followed. They turned the corner of the bullpen and a little girl's voice rang through the room.

"DADDY!" A little two and a half year old tow headed doll came trotting out of Mac's office and ran to the corpsman. He scooped her up and hugged her hard. He looked up into Mac's office and there stood a woman with a three-month-old baby. He moved to her and the family embraced.

Harm was shocked. He looked back at Mac. She could barely contain her smile.

"The mountain came to Mohammad," she explained.

"How did you do this?" he was still in shock.

"You have elves working for you, commander."

"It would appear."

"Bud tracked her down. Gunny – yes our own Gunny – he came by yesterday when I was here. Anyway, he has a cousin in Anchorage who flew up to Fairbanks and convinced her to give her husband another chance. Harriet pulled a few strings with the beautiful people that she now hangs with and got Mary and the kids a flight down here in a private jet. Jennifer arranged for family housing in Norfolk."

"And you arranged to take the case from Mattoni and keep him out of the brig," he finished for her.

"Everyone is happy," she shrugged and smiled brightly.

"Well done," he looked around to see who else he could thank, but all his elves were off on holiday. "All of you; very well done."

"It is a wonderful life, Harm."

"It's looking up," he looked back at the corpsman. "For one man at least it is definitely looking up."

Her phone rang. "MacKenzie. ... Hi. ... I'm sorry. ... I know. ... I will be right there," she hung up. "I've got to go, but I need a favor."

"Another one?"

She nodded to her office. "I think you still owe me."

He smiled and proceeded to head to the admiral's office. "What do you need?"

"May I borrow your car?" she walked along behind him.

"My car?" he dug in his pockets for his keys. "Sure. Why?"

"I need to drive Donna and Chloe to meet her dad and my Vette will be a little crowded."

"Not to mention dangerous. We are supposed to get snow tonight or at the very least freezing rain."

"I heard. I am hoping to make it back before then. So may I?"

"Back? You are headed up tonight? All the way to Vermont?"

"In a couple of hours and no, I will meet Chloe's father in Newark. He will be docking there at 1600."

"Still a long drive – up and back? What is that four hours?"

"Each way. He was supposed to dock in Norfolk and the three were going to fly to Vermont, but that didn't happen."

"They can't fly on their own?"

"Flights are booked," she explained.

"What about tomorrow?" he wasn't arguing with her, was just exploring options.

"Donna wants to be home for Christmas," she paused briefly not fully considering the impact of her next statement. "I don't mind. I can appreciate wanting to be with the people you love on the holiday."

Harm was stilled for a second thinking of whom he would prefer to spend the holiday with. "Roger that," he looked down and away. "Sure. Drive safely."

"What are you doing? Do you want to take a ride?" she asked casually, but it was anything but a casual question. "I was thinking that if the weather turned, I would spend the night in New York City."

He wanted to, you could see it in his eyes, but his voice betrayed nothing. "Can't. Have to stay here until the bitter end, and Beth and I are flying tonight."

"Beth? Flying?"

"Operation: Secret Santa." He stated. "It was your order, colonel."

"Mine?"

"Need to get AJ's bike to him by tomorrow morning," he reminded her. "Beth can get her hands on a plane tonight, so we are headed down at 2100."

"Beth? Beth O'Neill?" she was confused. "The woman from last night with the Porsche?"

"The same," Harm smiled as he saw her eyes turns green. "You don't remember her do you?"

"Should I?"

"You prosecuted her for sexual harassment not so long ago," he told her.

"Beth O'Neill is Commander Elizabeth O'Neill?"

"One and the same."

"How did you two get so chummy?"

"She was my partner when I flew for the CIA."

"Your partner," her eyes turned a darker shade of green.

"We flew a couple of missions together – including my last. She is good people."

"I see," she was still put off. "You never did tell me how you knew she was innocent – if she really was."

"She was."

Mac waited for him to continue, he didn't. "So you will be spending Christmas in Florida with your partner?"

"Beth needs to get back tonight, she has other plans."

"Not with you?" Mac asked like a jealous girlfriend that she had no right to be.

Harm took a moment and wondered if he should goad her, play with her, string her along. "No, not with me," he decided not to play. "Would it bother you if she did?"

"Yes, No, well Maybe – just want to know when you will need your car back."

"Right, my car. Anytime is fine."

Mac nodded. She was still a little green eyed.

"Mac, she is not my type," he laughed. "Or rather, I am not hers."

"Types change."

"No, not in this case," he realized that she still didn't understand. He took Beth's advice to set her straight. "Mac, Beth bats for the other team. Has other preferences? 'Don't ask, don't tell.'"

It finally occurred to Mac what he was driving at. She felt better. Her phone rang again. "MacKenzie. ... Hi, Clay. ... No, not yet. ... No. ... Ok, I will see you then. ... Bye," she hung up acting as if the call from Clay should have no impact on Harm.

Harm couldn't figure it out. She had just asked him to drive with her to New York and possibly stay overnight – not really something that two estranged friends would do on Christmas Eve. Yet, she is still in constant conversation with Webb. "How's Webb?" he really tried not to let the disgust fill his voice and he actually did a pretty good job.

"Clay is fine. He is headed back to South America tomorrow."

"Lead on Sadik?"

"I don't know. He doesn't talk to me about it."

"Really. What do you talk about?"

She shook her head and changed the subject. "Right now, I have two fourteen year old girls who are elbow deep in fudge in my kitchen." Harm would never understand her relationship with Clay and setting him straight would not be as easy as saying that Clay was gay (which of course he wasn't) … but the reason for their friendship was a lot more complicated and had little to do with love, sex or a future together. She headed out of his office. He followed. "I may need to get the HazMat team to come in and clean up the mess. I have to go."

He pulled the keys from his pocket. "The keys?"

"I got them," she pulled her own out to show that she had his key on her key chain.

"When did I give you the keys to my car?"

"I have keys to everything that is yours, Harm," she smiled and quickly walked toward the elevator.

"You do indeed, colonel," he said under his breath. "You do indeed." He watched after her.

"You still have mine?" she said over her shoulder. He nodded and wondered if he really did have the key to Sarah MacKenzie. With that she was gone.

Harm looked back at the family in Mac's office. Noel was holding his son in one arm, his daughter in the other and was kissing his wife. There was another family who would be spending the holiday with the people they love. Harm looked back at the last place he saw Mac. Sadness washed over him, and he returned to work.

... - - 1630 EST – On The Road

Mac just switched off the phone. They were about an hour outside of Falls Church on their way to Newark, New Jersey to meet up with Chloe's father. He would take them the rest of the way to Vermont. The girls were in the back seat pretending that Mac was their chauffer. Chloe nudged Donna as if to say, "watch this."

"So Mac, that's Clay, huh?"

Mac had taken the girls by where Webb was on the way out of town. She had to give him her file on Sadik. He met them briefly. Webb was not really into kids and girls that young were just too young for him.

"Excuse me?" Mac knew that Chloe was up to something but did not want to embarrass her in front of her friend.

"Is he your new boyfriend?" Chloe asked.

"What?"

"Are you going to marry him?" she pressed harder.

"He is a friend of mine and we have worked together on occasion."

"Just a friend?"

"Yes, just a friend," Mac confirmed.

Chloe nudged Donna again. "Donna thinks Harm is really cute."

"He is really tall." Donna helped.

Mac laughed. "Yes, he is tall."

"But not cute?" Chloe was in a mood.

"Yes, I suppose that some women would find him attractive."

"Are you still in love with him?"

Mac turned quickly to look at Chloe and nearly weaved into the other lane. "What?" she recovered.

Chloe turned to Donna. "Harm resigned his commission and went to go look for Mac when she was working with Clay."

"Chloe!"

"He was probably jealous. Where was it again Mac, South America?"

"He quit his job for Mac?" Donna was confused, but somehow she knew that Mac was not enjoying this line of questioning.

"Harm's in love with her."

"Chloe, I don't think this is a good topic of conversation."

"Why not?" Chloe had moved into brat status.

Donna tried to fix it. "Mac, did you ever tell us what you wanted for Christmas?"

"You know I have given it a lot of thought, and I don't know what I would ask for if I could have anything."

"You know what Harm wants?" Chloe was pushing the Harm and Mac agenda really hard. "He said he wanted a second chance."

"A second chance? Do you know what that means, Mac?" Donna asked.

Chloe blurted in before Mac had a chance to speak. "It means he wants a second chance with Mac, that's what it means. He is in love with her."

"Chloe, that's enough. Harm and I are friends, we always have been."

"You didn't marry Mic because of Harm."

"Chloe, I said enough. You don't understand all that went on because I haven't told you. But please – just stop this now."

"I know what Mac wants for Christmas." Chloe pressed on. "She wants a baby."

Mac finally pulled over to the side of the road. She got out and went around to the other side and pulled Chloe out so she could speak with her in private.

"Chloe – stop it, stop it now. You are showing off for your friend it is not nice – to me or to her."

"But -."

"No, buts. Listen, you know I love you and you know there is nothing you can do to make me not love you – but right now I don't much like you. You need to learn to respect other people's feelings, particularly when you don't know all the facts."

"I just want you to be happy, Mac."

"I am happy, Chloe. I am very happy. I've got a job I love, good friends, heath and you – honey I have you. There is nothing more I want."

"Don't you want to get married and have children – a family of your own."

"Someday – yes, but it is not here and not now."

"So Harm -."

"Look, Chloe," Mac shook her head and tried to find the right words. "Look, whatever Harm and I are to each other – you berating me with your opinion about his feelings for me, or mine for him is not helpful. In fact it is very hurtful. How would you like me haranguing you about Billy?"

"Billy and I are just friends." Chloe protested.

"And I accept that," she looked pleased with her triumph.

"Ok. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted," Mac pulled her into a tight embrace. Chloe shivered in her arms. "Let's go. Your dad will be waiting for us."

They climbed back into the car, made their apologies to Donna and set off again. The girls asked for music. Mac turned on the radio. "When My Heart Find Christmas" by Harry Connik Jr. came spilling out of the speakers.

… _My heart told me once before  
To find my dream and search no more  
And when my heart finds Christmas  
I hope it finds you too_

They drove in silence, but Mac was clearly thinking hard about something.

... - - 2030 EST - Viet Nam Wall Memorial - Washington D.C.

Harm stood in the cold in front of his father's name. Words did not come. He thought about his father in three dimensions for all his good and not so good. In the years passed, he had discovered aspects of the father that the son of five would never have wanted to know. Is that true of all fathers and sons? Is that just part of growing up? In his search for the father, the hero, the man who shoes he had challenged himself to fill, he found a man with faults and flaws and needs – not unlike his own. Harm's own needs were on his mind tonight; what he wanted and needed from life. He had been searching so long and focused so hard on living up to the man he thought his father was, that he forgot to figure out what man he himself wanted to be.

"It is hard when our heroes have feet of clay, isn't commander?"

An older man's voice brought Harm back to the cold night. He turned and saw a man about sixty standing down the wall from him.

"Yes, sir."

"You need to forgive him."

"Forgive him?"

"Forgive him. Forgive him for leaving, for dying, for not being the perfect hero, the perfect father, the perfect man you thought he was."

"But I don't -."

"Commander, if you don't for forgive him – you will never learn to forgive yourself. And I know a little bit about not forgiving yourself."

"I'm sorry, sir. Do I know you?"

"No, but you remind me of me – twenty years ago. I wasted my life holding on to what should have been, rather than what was. I let my life pass me by. I lost the love of an incredible woman and I never knew the joy or pain of children. It is a hard lesson to learn, and most of us learn it too late." The man clapped him on the shoulder.

"Yes, sir."

"We all wish for second chance, Commander. " He stated. "The trick is not to screw up the first five we are given," he laughed with a wisdom that came from knowing which path NOT to take. "Merry Christmas, commander."

"Merry Christmas," he looked down. "A Second chance," he mumbled.

The man wandered off. Harm looked back at the name on the wall. For a brief moment the 'Sr.' faded away and it was his name he saw up there. It was like he was looking at his own gravestone. It sent a chill down his spine. For all that he had done in life, for all his accomplishments, there was so much more he wanted to do. He wasn't unhappy about the past; he was concerned about the future. He was ready to head in a different direction and he was not sure if he could get there from where he was. As was said before, this past year had really rocked his world and truths that he held self-evident were not so clear anymore. He needed to set new goals. Make different choices. A brief moment passed his mind that said he wished he had made different choices, but it was quickly wiped away.

He did not want to go back in time to revisit any number of the pivotal events in his life: his father going missing, the search for him in Viet Nam, following his father's footsteps as a Naval Aviator, the ramp strike, JAG, the searches in Russia and Paraguay, the coming and going at JAG etc. No – all of those in hindsight shaped him to be the man that he was. He liked who he was, what his values were and in hindsight he would probably have made the same decisions again. That night his only real regret was Mac.

There was so much more he wanted to do in life, so many more roles he wanted to play: lover, husband, father. He was ready – finally he was ready to make the kind of commitment it takes to take on those roles. He had found the one woman he could truly commit to for a lifetime, but he had waited too long. She wanted nothing to do with him – at least not like that. He looked up to the sky and made a wish on the hidden stars. He wanted just one more chance with her; another chance to move their relationship into something more intimate, personal, permanent. A wave of sadness took him. He had his chance – he had a lot of them and he blew them all. He wouldn't be given another chance and to think that he might was ludicrous at best and desperate at worst.

But there was that whole bike thing.

But what if he were given another chance? (Harm the hopeless dreamer.) What moment would he like to relive? What question would he like to answer differently? Was it way back in Sydney? Was it the night Mic left? Was it in Paraguay? Or was it any one of a million times he chose not to acknowledge his feelings and pushed her away? Even if he were to take it – take the chance, force the issue with her, tell her how he felt and what he was thinking, how could they ever get through all the dreck that filled their past? Could they figure out how to be together? Could she forgive him? Could he forgive her? Could they forgive each other or themselves?

But it was silly to think about. It takes two to tango and Mac made it very clear that she no longer had room on her dance card for Harm. But then again, there was the other night when she was clearly flirting. Harm was confused – nothing had changed.

Thursday, December 25, 2003 ... - - 0003 EST – Rabb Residence, North of Union Station

Mac arrived at Harm's apartment – she was fully expecting that he would be there. He wasn't. She let herself in. It was a cold and lonely place. Everything completely squared away and not a sign of the holiday to be found. Harm didn't take the time for that. She turned on the heat and sat down on the couch and waited for it to come – for him to come home.

Why was she there? She had convinced herself that she was there to return his car and to give him his present, but that was not really true. She wanted to be with him on Christmas Eve. In all the years she had known him, they had never spent Christmas together. Oh, yes there were the dinners at the Roberts and attending Christmas mass together, but not the two of them alone. She wanted that, maybe if they spent some time alone they would talk like they used to – or not like they used to but like she wanted them to: no egos, no one-ups-manships, no trying to be on top.

This past year had been very difficult for Mac as well. Her experience in Paraguay still weighed heavily on her. The fear and terror and helplessness that she felt during their confinement still woke her at night. Her relationship with Clay had gotten very intimate – but not that intimate. It was strange how she could feel so close to him in some ways and not in others. She wasn't in love with him. She cared about him a great deal, and she knew that he said he loved her and wanted more. But it didn't feel right and she kept it strictly platonic.

Then there was Harm. Yes he had rescued her. There was a version of a debt to be repaid to him on that score, but he had never asked. He never asked for anything. That man was so infuriating. He resigned his commission, flew 5000 miles to save her from a fate worse than death and then turned in to a petty jealous spiteful jerk. Had he just slowed down for one moment, had he just told her he loved her, had he said anything to let her think that he wanted more than a friendship it might have turned out differently.

It occurred to Mac that he shouldn't have had to SAY anything. It was self-evident. The look on his face when she asked him if he did it for her should have been enough. She remembered the conversation afterward, when she attacked him, made him feel like a fool. She dared him to tell her that he loved her, but then wouldn't allow it. She didn't encourage it. She challenged it. "Riddle me this, fly boy." Rang in her ears, what was he supposed to do? She realized that he had to defend himself. Mac regretted that whole scene. It was her fault that they couldn't be together – finally be together - in Paraguay.

Mac shook herself. She shouldn't be there. They would talk some other time.

... - - 0223 EST – Rabb Residence, North of Union Station

Harm walked into his darkened apartment. It was warm in there; very warm. He must have left the heat on – he never forgets to turn off the heat. No matter, it was good to be home. The flight was fine. The passing of the bike off to Bud was fun. He was more excited than AJ would be. After they landed Beth forced him to go with her to a party. He was less than comfortable, not because the majority of the people there were gay, because they weren't, but because everyone there was with someone. He felt very alone. If he were to be alone, he would rather be literally by himself than in a crowd of couples. He had gone by Mac's apartment – ostensibly to get his car, but he wanted to see her. His car wasn't there and even if it were it did not mean that she was home or that she was home alone. It would wait. He would wait.

The flashing red light on his answering machine was the only holiday looking thing in his apartment. He left the lights off, and pushed the button to hear the messages.

BEEP – "Hi honey, it's your mother. Merry Christmas. I hope you are out having some fun. I'll call you in the morning."

BEEP – "Commander, This is Coates, I just received a message from the admiral. He would like you to call him as soon as you get in. I told him it would be late, but he insisted. Merry Christmas, sir."

BEEP – "Harm, it is Harriet. Thank you both so much. You and Mac are too much. AJ will just love it. I wish you would have stayed to see him, but – well Merry Christmas."

BEEP – "Merry Christmas buddy."

"Sturgis," Harm said to the darkened aparment.

"Dad and I are doing fine. Thanks for the little ice breaker. Later."

BEEP – "Hi Harm. It's Catherine. You were right. We got married this morning. Thanks for being an understanding first husband. Merry Christmas."

BEEP – "Rabb!" It was the admiral. "Where are you? Turn your damn cell phone on. Call me in the morning – my morning, not yours."

BEEP – "Brother! Good news. I am going to be a papa. Merry Christmas."

Harm was disappointed that there wasn't a message from Mac.

He left the lights off; an empty apartment on Christmas Eve was now not such a welcome sight. He proceeded to the bathroom and passed by the sleeping body on the bed. He clicked the light over the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. When did he get so old? His eyes didn't shine like they used to and he seemed to have a weight hanging on him forcing his shoulders down. Why was he so down? He had friends and family that he loved. He had a career that really meant something. God knows there was enough to keep him on his toes and living on the edge. But there was a big hole in his life – a hole in his heart. A hole he created. A hole that only he could fill and there was only one-way to fill it - Mac. He resolved to do just that.

As if it were a wish answered by the angels, he saw her. The light over the mirror cast a dim light across her face. She was sound asleep, on top of the covers with her coat covering her. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever beheld. What was she doing there? Why? What did it mean? He had no idea what was going on in her mind, he only knew that whether or not it was the right thing to do, he was going to take his second chance. He had to. If she really didn't want him – then she would have to come clean about that too.

He gently sat down next to her and brushed some strands of hair away from her face.

She stirred at his touch. "Hmmm, Harm?" Mac sleepy voice called.

"Were you expecting someone else?"

"I must have fallen asleep," she stretched.

"Not surprised – it is hot enough to bake a cake in here," he loosened his tie.

"What time is it?"

"I knew getting you into my bed would throw that internal clock of yours off," he laughed. "It's about 0230."

"Is everything OK, you should have been back hours ago," she yawned.

"Everything is fine. Mission accomplished," he again tenderly brushed some hair off her face. "How long have you been here?"

"I got here just after midnight," she sat up. She was beginning to feel a little strange being in his bed with the way he was looking at her. "Thought I would wait."

"I'm glad you did," he couldn't stop himself; he leaned down and kissed her. It wasn't a chaste, safe, platonic kiss either … it was a kiss that a man would give a woman in his bed.

Mac was clearly affected and confused. "Harm?"

"Mac, don't say anything for just a minute, huh?" he took her hand in his, took a deep breath and ventured on into very dangerous territory. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but none more so than with you. Only with you," he laughed. "I wish I knew why. There are times when you bring out the worst in me – more my fault than yours. But that is over."

"Over?"

"Let me finish. That is over. I want you in my life in every possible way there is to want someone. You probably don't feel that way about me anymore – maybe you never did – God knows I have given you no reason to. But I am hoping that there is enough of something left so you will give me a chance -- another chance to show you just how much -," he trailed off.

"How much what?" she asked.

"How much you mean to me," he answered reflexively. "How important you are to me. How much I want for us."

"Us?" she laughed brightly. "Is there an 'US'?"

"There ought to be." He looked away quickly and then back. "Yes … yes there is an 'us'."

"You're incredible," she smiled.

"Incredible? Me?"

"Incredible. You," she shook her head.

"I am thinking that you don't mean that as a compliment," he smiled slightly.

"You make everything so much harder than it needs to be."

"I don't," he defended.

"You do," she pressed. "You take the long way around to get to anywhere."

"No I don't."

"You do with me," she pressed.

"You're special," he smiled.

"Harm," she pleaded.

"What?" he was confused. "What do you want from me?"

"You just can't say it, can you?" she smiled. "Here I thought it was all about me – that you didn't care enough – but none of that is true. You just can't say the words."

"Words? What words?" he wasn't entirely clueless to what words she was looking for.

"My God, you really can't say it," she was smiling broadly. "After all this time – after all we have been through. You just can't say it."

"I can say anything I want to say," Harm knew he had her and decided to play it for all that it was worth. "But I have always thought that actions spoke louder than words." His grin betrayed everything. This was the last game they would play – at least about this one issue – he wanted to enjoy it a little.

"What actions would those be?" she returned the grin; pleased that now they were getting somewhere.

"Do you want a list?"

"Just give me one."

"How about this?" he reached his hand to her cheek and pulled her to him. It started out as a soft tender kiss but it quickly became more. She forced herself to pull away.

"Not good enough, sailor."

"Not good enough?" he leaned into rectify that opinion and she pushed him back.

"Do you love me?" she demanded to know.

"I think you know the answer to that."

"Do you love me?" she asked again.

"Do you really have to ask?" he leaned in to claim another kiss.

She pushed him back. "Answer the question."

"Would I have made such a fool out of myself if I didn't?"

"Objection – non-responsive."

He leaned away from her barely able to contain his smile. "The evidence speaks for itself, counselor."

"Do you love me?"

"Is it so important to hear the actual words."

"Only in that it is so important that you won't say them."

"Said in ways more important than mere words."

"Do you love me?" This last time was said with a tinge of desperation.

"Yes."

"Harm!" She cried.

"I love you," he said clearly.

AH Victory – sweet victory - at last for the colonel.

"Yes, Sarah MacKenzie, I love you," he paused to make sure she heard him and understood before he kissed her. She did understand; she kissed him back. It ended in an embrace – a very tight embrace.

"Is that what you have been waiting for all this time?" he asked.

"Not waiting for," she sounded a little sad. "Hoping for."

"If I had only known."

She pulled back to look him in the eyes. "You knew."

He shrugged. "No – not really. Most of the time I thought you didn't really like me."

"You can't mean that."

He nodded. "You kept me at arms length from the day we met. Even the night that Mic left and Renee's father died, I had no idea how that night was going to play out."

"Not very well as it turned out."

"No. Not at all the way I would have liked," he got a little serious. "Sarah? Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Love me?"

"What does love have to do with anything?" she laughed trying to lighten his serious mood.

He smiled but it was tentative, he was unsure what she meant. Maybe he didn't have her. "Mac."

"Haven't my actions spoken louder than words?" she was giving it back to him as he had given it to her.

He nodded. "Mac, you are killing me here."

"Do you really not know?"

"I am really not sure," he countered.

"Yes Harm, I love you."

He smiled. "How did we get here?"

"I waited," she caressed his cheek. "And waited some more."

"God, I hope it was worth it."

"So do I."

"What about Webb?"

"There was nothing ever between Clay and me. It's not like that between us. We went through a horrible experience together and it brought us closer, but that's the extent of it."

"Friends – like you and I."

"No," she stated quickly. "Not like us at all."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Before we go any father, you need to

understand something," he was serious again. "We need to be clear. No more misunderstandings or miscommunications. Nothing left to interpretation, since I – you – well, we tend to interpret differently."

"What?"

"This is not a whim," he started. "This is not some lonely man's desperate attempt at a connection with the first woman he found sleeping in his bed."

She laughed. "Does this happen to you a lot?"

"Not as often as I would like," he smiled briefly. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"Officially to return your car and give you your Christmas present," she pulled out a small box from her coat pocket and handed it to him.

"Oh, a present," he sighed. "I didn't get you anything."

She shook her head. She wasn't looking for a tit-for-tat present. What she was giving him was something from the heart.

He continued to defend himself. "No, don't think I didn't think about it or didn't want to – everything thing looked so superficial – tacky. It wasn't right."

"I understand – don't worry," she played it down. "I gave you something I had lying around my house."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, I had had it for a while and thought that you could make better use of it."

He picked up the box. "Well it's too small to be a blender."

"Just open it," she got a far away look in her eyes as she watched him. "I wanted to give you something that you wouldn't take for yourself, but --."

"But what?"

"You already did."

A puzzled look crossed his face as he opened the little box. In it was a wooden coin that has the word "chance" written on it. He looked up at her.

"My uncle gave that to me when I reached my first year of sobriety," she took the coin from Harm and turned it over in her hands. Her voice cracked a little. "He said that he never wanted me to forget that I was given a second chance," she handed it back to Harm.

"Chloe told you?" he asked.

"I over heard you talking."

"Are you sure you want me to have this?" he was clearly touched. He could only imagine what it meat to her and what it meant to give it away.

"Yeah," she smiled at him. "I do."

"Does this mean I get one more chance to screw up?" he played.

She nodded and looked a little sad.

"Mac, I don't want to screw up," he got serious again.

"I know. I don't either."

"This will have a big impact on our lives – we may not be able to work together."

She sat back away from him. "Do you really think that working together is more important?"

"I don't know - what if we can't make it? Not the first time you or I have entered into relationship and had it end. Our track record is not very good."

"True."

"Then we will have lost all that we had," he took her hand. "Our friendship."

"The ending – or beginning of one does not need to cost us the other, does it?"

"No, I suppose not," he shrugged. "But you have to know it could."

"Harm, it's too late to turn back now. You should know that from this past year, at the very least the last six months. We don't have what we had and if truth were told, I am not sure we ever did."

"What are you saying – that we aren't really friends?"

"I am saying that everything we have been through has been leading us to this point."

He wasn't so sure.

She continued with her case. "I am going to believe – choosing to believe that it didn't happen before between us because one or both of us was not ready."

"And we are now?"

"Well, for the first time in the nine years we have known each other – we are in the same place at the same time talking about the same thing and neither one of us feels compelled to --."

"Argue?"

"Banter." Banter she corrected.

"Banter."

"Banter it away and diminish the importance of it out of some misguided attempt at protecting our ego."

He laughed. "Do we just talk too much?"

"Often."

"Then let's go back to the actions – "

"Speaking volumes," she smiled.

He pulled her to him, she went eagerly – they kissed.

"Merry Christmas, Harm."

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."

"The new year is looking pretty good too."


	22. Christmas: Blue Decorations

**Title: Blue Decorations**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2003**

**Spoilers: Through Mid-Season Nine Sans Mattie**

**December 24, 2003**

**0600 EST – MacKenzie Residence**

The clock/radio turned to 0600 and the radio kicked on:

"_Blue decorations on my Christmas tree, The saddest time of the year, cause you're not here with me, But I hung your a stocking just in case you're free, Blue decorations on my Christmas tree . . ."_

Mac was awake. She had been awake since 0430. In fact, she had been consistently waking up hours before the alarm for weeks: bad dreams (she guessed). That morning however, she remembered her dream vividly.

**_She was back in Paraguay. She couldn't help Webb. She couldn't help herself. She was desperate. In her dream she remembered thinking "Where is Harm? Shouldn't he be here by now?" But Harm didn't come. As dreams do, the scene changed and she was now looking for him; tracking all over the mountains of Paraguay looking for Harm. He was missing; he should have been there. She found the crashed plane, an empty weapon and some blood. She was frantic. She tracked him through Ciudad del Estes, through train stations, airports and to the streets of Washington DC. She tracked him all the way to Benzinger's. He was sitting with a very pregnant Loren Singer. She asked him what he was doing. He asked what concern it was of hers. Harm and Loren left. Mac followed. Harm put Loren in a cab with Sergei and turned to greet a woman walking up the street. She was tall, blonde and strikingly beautiful. _**

_**Mac called out to him, "What are you doing?"**_

"_**Moving on."**_

"_**What about us?" Mac protested. **_

"**_There is no us – you made sure of that," he spit back at her. _**

"**_This is not my fault, Harm," Mac went on._**

"_**Fault? It has nothing to do with fault, colonel. You wanted me out of your life – consider me gone."**_

"_**I never wanted you out of my life."**_

"_**You never wanted me in it."**_

"_**Harm, we are friends."**_

"**_Really? Where were you when I was accused of murder? Where were you when the admiral accepted my resignation? Where were you when –," he stopped himself. "Look, forget it. I don't know what the hell we are – were to each other, but we weren't friends."_**

"_**Harm."**_

"_**No Mac. You have pushed me away for the last time. I am done! Go find Webb and raise a bunch of little spies."**_

_**Harm wrapped his arm around the woman and they walked past Mac. When she turned to follow them, Webb was there with a big smile and a bigger diamond. **_

That was when Mac woke up.

"_You know the spirit of Christmas is so hard to share alone. When you once had it all, but now all you had is gone. All the children are singing the saddest melody. Blue decorations on my Christmas tree."_

Mac reached over and turned off the radio. The dream left her sad and lonely. She needed to get up and run. It was the only cure – albeit temporary – for what ailed her. She was up to a ten K a morning in the past few weeks.

**- - - 1030 EST – JAG Headquarters**

When Mac walked in there was an impromptu party going on. Harriet had come in with the new baby, little AJ and a basket of goodies. The entire office was standing around talking and laughing and having a wonderful time. Mac was in no mood for Christmas cheer. Across the room she saw Harm holding AJ. He apparently had given him his present early – a model of an F-14 and a promised ride (when he was old enough). AJ had it grasped firmly in hand with a big grin on his face. Harm had never looked so attractive as he did with a child in his arms. Mac's heart sank as she saw **_HER_** standing next to him.

HER name was Ginny – Virginia actually – Virginia Kennedy. She was Harm's new "girlfriend," They met a week or so ago at some embassy reception. Mac was supposed to attend with Harm, but didn't because she had a 'date' with Webb (that subsequently got canceled). Mac was not sure what Ginny actually did for a job, but she was perfect for Harm. She was a pilot, a dancer and apparently a very accomplished scholar in the field of military strategies. She was smart, funny and was able to challenge (positively) Harm's gigantic sized ego in ways that Mac never could (or never tried to do). Ginny was the kind of woman that made men work for it - and work for it Harm did. He was changing right before Mac's eyes. He was kinder, more generous and calmer with everyone, including her. Ginny was incredibly beautiful and everyone liked her. Mac even found herself drawn to her, in spite of herself. Mac wanted to really dislike the woman – unreasonably dislike her, but she could find no fault with her and if she were honest she could find no fault with them – Harm and Ginny were a good couple.

It depressed Mac even more to know that she finally accomplished her goal – to have Harm move past his wounded pride and still be her friend. But to have him move on with someone that was so perfect for him made Mac sad. She was not jealous so much as she was envious. How was Ginny able to get Harm to treat her the way Mac had always wanted to be treated – with open honest communication, respect and love? Well she was not about to ask her. Who knows, maybe he treated her the same way he treated all women, and Mac had the wrong impression. Didn't matter anyway. Harm was just another failed relationship for Mac that had finally come to an end.

"Auntie Mac," AJ's voice pulled her into the party. "Auntie Mac, look what Uncle Harm got me."

"WOW," Mac scooped him up as he ran into her arms. "Would you look at that?"

Mac looked up and her eyes met Harm's. He was looking at her strangely with an odd smile on his face. She was about to ask him what he was thinking, but Ginny came up to Mac and asked her about her holiday plans.

The plans were very simple. Bud and Harriet were having their traditional Christmas Eve dinner, then there was the midnight mass, watching Harm drive off to visit the wall (more than likely with Ginny on his arm), then home to her safe and quiet little apartment and sleep for thirty-six hours – if she was lucky, then back to work. That was not what she told Ginny; she told her that she had made plans for brunch and something else. Mac really wasn't paying attention to herself.

Mac got a reprieve from the admiral before she had to return the question. The very last thing in the world she wanted to hear was what Ginny and Harm's plans were for the holiday. The only thing she wanted to hear less was what the gift exchange between the two lovebirds would be. It was too soon for Harm to propose, but who knew - he was acting strangely - anything thing was possible.

**- - - 1445 EST – JAG Headquarters**

Mac was finishing up some case files. Harm came in with two more that she needed to review. They had been working together a lot and sharing the report writing duties.

"Mac, can you check out the evidence page on the Andrews court martial? I think I missed something, but it's not in my notes."

"Sure. Do you need it now?"

"No, whenever."

"Fine."

There was a stiff silence. Both of them wanted to say something, but neither knew what to say. Up until Harm met Ginny he was being a royal jerk to her. Just a few weeks prior he had asked her for some help with something personal, when she balked he told her to forget it, that she would just 'screw it up anyway'. Mac was floored at his anger, his vitriol. A week before that he had said something really nasty in court. She couldn't remember what, but it was mean and low – even for Harm. She had been the target for his animosity ever since he came back. It was good he hadn't come back right away. He had a few months to cool down. It wasn't until he met Ginny that he totally turned his whole attitude around and his apology actually felt sincere. Mac was still a little tentative around him, but she tried not to let it show.

"AJ's getting big," she said.

"He is," he smiled sweetly. "I told him that we would take him sledding soon."

"You and I?"

"Yeah," he was worried that he had spoken out of turn.

Mac was tentative. "Well, we are going to need some snow for that."

"We could drive up to the mountains."

"We could do that," she thought for a moment trying to decide if Harm were asking her for something other than to take their godson sledding. "Did you tell him when?"

"I told him that we would work in out and fit it into his busy schedule."

Mac smiled. "What are you doing New Year's Day?" Mac was immediately sorry she said anything about a holiday. He would of course have plans on New Year's Day with Ginny.

"That will depend on my plans for New Year's Eve," he grinned.

"We'll figure it out," Mac said trying to get her foot out of her mouth.

"So, you are coming to the Robert's tonight?" he asked.

Before she could answer, Webb walked in. That man had possibly the worst timing on the planet.

"Hello kids. How goes the war in the legal trenches?"

Harm looked at him, then back at Mac, then back at Webb. After a quick pause he reached his hand out to Webb. "Holding our ground," he said. The men shook hands. "Merry Christmas, Clay,"

"Merry Christmas, Harm."

"Let me know about those reports, OK Mac?"

She nodded and he left.

Webb and Mac were not dating. They weren't even really close anymore. As soon as Clay had gotten out of the hospital he went back to being his usual self: cryptic and patronizing. His career was all that he cared about since he was back in the loop in Washington. Mac was little more than an acquaintance. Which was fine for her. Clay reminded her of Paraguay and of the experiences they shared. She didn't want to be reminded about that anymore – at least not in her waking life too.

"Sarah, what are you doing New Year's Day?" he asked quickly. "Mother is having a brunch. Some pretty influential people will be there and the food will be great."

'He needed a respectable date.' Mac thought. "Umm … not sure, was just firming those plans up when you came in?"

"With Rabb?" he pushed.

Mac's ire went up as she fought the urge to tell him to 'go to hell'. It was rude for a single man on Christmas Eve to ask a single woman for a date on New Year's Day and not New Year's Eve, skipping Christmas altogether. It meant he was spending the other days with someone else not presentable to his mother – or he just didn't want to spend it with her. Regardless it was rude and a slap in the face.

"Thanks for the invitation, Clay … but I really have to get these reports finished before we break for the holiday."

Webb took the rejection well – if that was what it was. She hadn't actually answered the question. In fact he took it so well that she wondered if it were a 'date' at all he was asking for, or if he was just inviting her to a party as a friend.

**- - - 1845 EST – MacKenzie Residence**

Mac was dressing for the dinner. She was taking very special care to look her best though she couldn't tell anyone why. It was a safe dinner with friends who knew her and loved her warts and all. She could have shown up in dirty fatigues and they would be happy to see her. It finally occurred to her how silly she was being. She was dressing for Ginny, well dressing to show up Ginny. Both women were beautiful in their own rights, but different. Ginny was the flowy, free, organic kind of girl who looked best in an over shirt, T-shirt and jeans, but wore silk like she was born to – another reason she was perfect for Harm. Mac, on the other hand, was stylish, form fitting and stunning. She looked best with no curve hidden under excess cloth. Someone once told her – which she took a compliment and not some sick come on – that she was the kind of woman that looked better naked – but of course that would not do for the Robert's party. That night she wanted to knock Ginny out of the ballpark. It wasn't for (read: in spite of) Harm; she did it for herself. She wanted to give herself a little ego boost.

Before she left she gathered up the presents for the Roberts. She had also gotten something for Harm, but did not want to give it to him there. The way things were going; she might not give it to him at all. It was nothing – nothing personal – but she thought he would like it. It was an antique bronze compass. It was a concept present. She found it in an old junk shop and cleaned it up herself. It still worked. She had written something on the card like:

"_For a man whose moral compass _

_takes him to the ends of the earth,_

_this is to help you find the way home," _

She thought better of it and tore the card up. She meant it lovingly, but who knows with Harm. He may take offense particularly considering how far – literally – he had gone for her that past year and how hard it was to get back home. She took out a generic Christmas card and took her a full five minutes to decide whether to sign it 'love' or not. She chose not in the end and left the present under the tree.

**- - - 2006 EST – Roberts Residence**

The kids were in bed and Mac and Big Bud were in a discussion about something or other. Mac was in the mood to be distracted. Harm and Ginny were there, but they were in a deep discussion as well. Mac chose not to let her mind go to the 'trouble in paradise' scenario or worse 'the Christmas Eve proposal'.

A little while later, as if watching a train wreck, she watched as Ginny hugged Harriet goodbye. They were leaving. How could they be leaving? Dinner had not been served yet. Mac also found that rude. She stuffed her opinion as far down as she could and went to help with dinner.

Dinner was going to be late – something happened with the gas in the oven. Mac excused herself to go out into the cold December night to let the 'men folk handle' the fixing of the stove. She had told them to relight the pilot three of four times, but what did she know?

She pulled on her coat, hat and gloves. The night was crisp and it would soon be snowing again. She walked to the edge of the porch and looked out into the darkness.

"We need to stop meeting like this," Harm said. She turned and he was sitting on the swing. "People will say we're in love."

"What are you doing out here?" she had thought he had left with Ginny, much to her delight he was out there alone as if he had been waiting – waiting for her.

"I could ask you the same thing, but I think we would get the same answers," As much as Harm and Mac loved their friends, they were a little asocial particularly around Christmas. They had so few good memories of that holiday from their separate childhoods that getting up the expected holiday cheer as adults was not easy to do.

"Ginny?" Mac asked fearing the answer.

Harm studied her for a moment. He wondered if she was jealous of Ginny. The way she was dressed was clearly to show up another woman, but he didn't want to read too much into it. He was not interested in making Mac jealous of another woman. "She went home," he said cryptically.

"Everything OK?"

"Yep," he nodded as he slid over to make room for her on the swing. "Join me."

"Do you mind?" she was nervous, but his ease and confidence was winning her over.

"I wouldn't have offered."

Mac thought about retorting that remark, but changed her mind. She sat down next to him.

"So," she needed more talk. They were far from comfortable sitting in silence.

"So … you didn't bring Clay with you this evening," he stated, and he really didn't care if Mac knew how envious (not jealous) he was of Clayton Webb. In fact it was probably good for her to know.

"No, I didn't," she responded just as cryptically. She had a feeling that this conversation was going to go the way all their others had gone, them talking around subjects and baiting the other into giving more information away than he or she had originally wanted. Mac always lost these games.

"Is everything alright?"

She looked at him and let a light fill her eyes. "Yep," she was giving back his cryptic answer.

Harm smiled. He saw her game. "You and Clay were never really together, were you?"

"Are you really asking – or are you stating another opinion."

"Asking," he sincerely was.

"No, we weren't."

"You just never corrected me because I was being such a jerk."

She laughed. "Pretty much."

"Well, I deserved that," he smiled. "I deserved much more for the way I have treated you over the past year – at least."

Her heart melted a little and she wondered if the conversation were about to take a very different turn. "You have had a tough year."

"You had a few rough patches too," he didn't need to remind her. "I didn't make it any easier for you."

"You saved my life," she said quickly. "– literally."

"Just so I could be caustic and snide?" he looked away. He was embarrassed by his behavior and was determined not to go down that road again.

"Harm, if you were that horrendous I wouldn't be –," she stopped herself. She was going to say that she wouldn't still be in love with him.

He looked back at her hoping her real thoughts would slip out. "Wouldn't be what?" he pressed.

"Sitting here right now," Nice save, colonel. She had to change the subject. "Ginny is a very special person."

"Yes, yes she is," Harm looked out to the driveway. "She is very brave too."

"Brave?" Mac was confused. "Where is she?"

"She went home," he looked back at Mac. "To be with her husband."

"Husband?"

"They separated six months ago," he explained. "They have been married for eight years. Things got pretty bad so they separated," he smiled at her. "Tonight – on Christmas Eve, they will reconcile if Ginny has anything to say about it – and who knows, maybe this time they will live happily ever after."

"Her husband doesn't know she is coming?" Mac asked.

"Not yet," he flashed her that weak tentative smile he saved for special occasions. "Like I said: brave."

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "For you, I am sorry."

"You don't need to be," he nearly reached for her hand; he needed to let her know that Ginny was not a lost love. "I'm happy that she is going after what she wants," he said that last part with some remorse. When it came to love, Harm never went after what he really wanted – not really and not successfully. "I'm happy for her."

"I was beginning to think having what you want on Christmas was only for children," Mac tried to lighten the mood.

"What is it you want, Sarah MacKenzie?" he smiled at her.

"The same thing everyone wants."

"Comfortable shoes?"

She laughed. "That's a start," she sighed. "No, peace on earth would be nice. Health and happiness for the people I care about. To do something important with my days and --."

"And?" he pressed.

"And to grow old with someone -."

"Anyone?" he pressed harder.

"Someone I love."

"And someone who loves you," he added.

"Better."

He shrugged. "Doesn't seem like a lot to ask for, does it?"

"I never thought so," she laughed to herself. "But then again I never thought I would be single at 36."

"Well as you have said to me – at least you made it to the altar."

"It takes a little more than making a promise to stay together forever," she said a little harshly. "You have to actually get up everyday and do it."

Harm thought if he couldn't get past the first part (to actually make the promise) he probably didn't stand a chance to fulfill the second. "Yeah, that is the hard part," Harm confirmed.

Mac took it back a step further. "The hard part is finding the person you can get up everyday with."

Harm had to smile. "Not so hard as you might think,"

Mac wondered about the conversation. It was getting into dangerous territory, but as long as they kept it theoretical, they could continue talking. But she couldn't help herself. "Have you ever thought about getting married?"

"Many times," he answered easily.

"Really?" Mac was surprised. "What stopped you?"

He laughed. "Well that is kind of complicated, isn't it?"

"With you … I don't doubt it," she teased.

"I am no pro at this, but from my understanding you have to find the person, ask her and then she needs to accept. Right?"

"Sounds about right," she nodded and smiled. "Have you ever asked?"

He shook his head. "Never thought I would get the answer I was looking for."

"Renee would have said yes," she was immediately sorry she had mentioned her. "Jordan too, probably."

"Maybe, maybe not," he looked back at her. "But I never thought to ask either Renee or Jordan."

"I see," Mac was confused.

"Go ahead – say I have commitment issues," he played with her to keep it light. "But to be honest – I am fully committed," That last comment was sincere.

"Committed …" A light went on for Mac … a dim light. "…To someone you expect to turn you down?" she felt she had to comment. "Sounds like a way to not have to ask the question."

He laughed. "Yeah, does sound like my problem, when you put it that way?"

Mac got a little nervous under his gaze. If he were any other man, she would have assumed he was talking about her. But Mac had been there before and it had come to naught.

"We should go in," Mac started to stand, but Harm held her back.

"Should we?"

"It's cold out here," she pretended to shiver. She was anything but cold.

"It is cold," he nodded over to the yard. "And it's starting to snow."

Mac got up and moved to the edge of the porch to see it fall. "A white Christmas after all."

"You look like you belong on a porch in a house in the country."

"I would love a house, and a little land," she surveyed the yard. "It's so beautiful here."

"Yes, yes you are," His voice was soft and tender – a rare tenor when speaking to Mac.

She turned back to look at him and a flurry of emotions washed over her. Mostly that she didn't want to be lulled into feelings that she knew would net her nothing and only frustrate and anger her later. "Harm, you have stop saying things like that to me," There was only a little edge to her voice, but mostly it was just sad.

"Why?" he asked. "Stating a fact … You are a dazzlingly beautiful woman. Am I not allowed to notice?"

"Harm don't," she pleaded. "It confuses me."

"And being confused is a bad thing?"

"For me – with respect to you – yes," she looked back out over the snow-covered lawn.

He felt as if he had found a door that he had thought was closed was open. "So does that mean you are no longer sure that there will never be an us?"

She didn't look back. "What does that mean?"

"Well, if you are sure – you shouldn't be confused."

She did look back at that. "Damn it Harm – don't twist my words."

"I have to," he sat up.

"Have to?"

"I have to to hear what is not said just as much as what is said," he stood up and walked over to her. "If I listened only to the words I would never hear what I wanted to hear."

"What are you saying?" she took a step back; his closeness was affecting her. She couldn't think; she could defend herself.

"Well I don't believe that the battle for the top position is what is going to kill us – in fact I think it is what keeps us alive."

"Meaning what?" she stepped back.

"Meaning as long as we are competing, alive and breathing – then there is hope."

"Until one of us moves on," she cried.

"I'm not going anywhere," he closed the distance between them.

"Oh?" she nodded toward the street.

"Are you talking about Ginny?"

Mac nodded embarrassed that she had to announce her jealous of another woman.

"Ginny and I were never going to be anything more than friends," he explained. "She knew that and I knew that. We were two wounded people who found a way to help the other out. Like a little support group."

"How did she help you?" Mac wasn't convinced.

"She is the one that convinced me that there is still hope for us," he took her hand.

"Because of this battle of wills?" she slipped it away, but not as harshly as she could have.

"Because of it," he smiled slightly. "In spite of it."

"So we just go on like this – until when?"

"Until one of us stops it," he said simply.

"Who is that going to be?" As soon as she asked, she knew it should have been her.

He sighed. "If I thought I would get the response I am looking for it would be me," he laughed. "Hell I would have been me in Paraguay."

"Because of Webb?'

"Yeah, imagine my surprise," he rubbed his hands together. "I was finally willing to go all in. Hell, I even resigned my commission, risked my life, spent my entire savings and there you were playing house with Webb," Caustic Harm was back.

"It wasn't like that," she snapped. "Not at all."

"What was I supposed to think: finding you kissing him after that parting comment you threw at me – something about not wanting you until you had one foot out the door," he shook his head.

"Well?" she pressed back.

"Well nothing," he held his ground. "It's not true – but when you had one foot out the door were the only times I couldn't stay quiet anymore."

"Why did you need to stay quiet?" she asked.

"You never gave me an opening,"

"That is not true."

"It felt that way," he needed to tell her the whole truth. "When I got to Paraguay and found you with Webb - - - I felt like a fool."

"And fools act like spoiled brats?"

"Some do." He smiled. "I do."

"So many other times you could have ended this dance we do," she was frustrated. "Why haven't you?"

"Why haven't you?" he tossed back at her.

Mac was thrown for a loop with that question. "Um – I don't know. Maybe the same reason."

He was unsure which reason she was referring to. "Afraid you are not going to get the answer that you are looking for?"

"That – and feeling like a fool."

He smiled, nearly laughed. "We are quite a pair."

"We are that," she stepped closer to him. "You know what? I am willing to risk it."

"Feeling like a fool?" he confirmed.

"Yeah."

"Do you really think there is a chance of that happening?"

"I don't know," she stated. "I'd like to think not."

"Then think not," he told her.

She looked at him for a long moment. She had so much to say yet nothing would come out.

He kissed her – softly at first. "We talk too much." He hoped that would satisfy her and he kissed her again.

She kissed him back and was clearly happy about it, but you have to know Mac never lets a good thing be. "Harm, do you think just kissing me will change things for us?" she asked.

"Yes." He looked at her. "And profoundly… I hope."

"No discussion?" she asked. "No declarations of long held feelings? Or even newly discovered feelings?"

"Is that what you need?"

"I just don't want to have any more miscommunications between us," she stated.

"What do you need to hear … that I love you … that I have for a long time … that I would go to the ends of the earth for you, that I would give up everything I have for you… you know that … and if you don't … then you should."

She shook her head – it was not enough. Harm would go to the ends of the earth for any friend; that was part of the reason she loved him.

"So how do you see this changing things for us?" he returned the question.

"I would like to believe that we are working toward building a life together … I would like us to take our time since we have so many things to work through – misunderstandings to clean up. I would like to see us sincerely open the lines of communication and really work them – together."

"Communication comes in many forms," he played.

"Yes it does … we can explore ALL of them so long as we don't leave any of them out and as long as we don't rush past the hard work to get to the good stuff."

He wasn't sure if she were warning him off or just ensuring her point. "You do see yourself committed to making it work … for us … into the future, don't you?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes," she said. "But the future can come at a slow and steady pace … not all at once. It should not come without some good honest communication."

"As long as we are on the same path headed in the same direction …".

"Are we?"

"I think we are," he shrugged. "At least I think we should be."

She pulled herself tightly into his arms. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"I'm in …"

"All in?"

"Body and soul," she smiled.

"Me too."

They sealed the proposed proposal with a kiss.

The door opened and Bud stuck his head out. He caught them, but did not comment on it.

"There you are. Dinner is going to be another hour – hour and a half away. Unless you want to order pizza."

They laughed. "No. We're good."

"OK," he looked out over the snow that was gathering on the ground. "A white Christmas, AJ will be so happy."

"Hey, Bud," Harm called to him. "Since we have an hour, I need to go do something. I'll be back in plenty of time."

Bud knew exactly what Harm was talking about. He was going to the Wall. "Sure thing, sir. Drive safely."

Bud closed the door.

Mac looked at him. "Going to see your father?"

"Yeah," he took her hand. "Would you join me?"

"You don't have to ask me --."

"Mac – Sarah – I want you to come with me. Please."

She nodded.

**Viet Nam Memorial, Washington DC**

Harm and Mac were standing in front of his father's name. He took off his glove and reached out and felt the letters. Mac did the same. Their gloveless hands grasped. Mac looked back at the name on the wall.

"Dad, this is Sarah MacKenzie, Mac, Colonel in the marines. I know you never expected to see me with a jar head who hates to fly with me," he smiled but did not look at her. "Sarah is special, Dad. I love her."

"Sir, I don't need to tell you this," her voiced cracked a little. "But you would be very proud of your son. He is a fine man and a good friend. I'll try very hard to take good care of him. I am lucky to have him in my life."

He turned to her. "I am the lucky one," Harm touched her face and pulled her to him for a long lingering kiss.

"Merry Christmas, Harm."

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."


	23. Christmas: Gift Exchange

**Title: The Gift of the Magi – JAG Style**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2005**

**Spoilers: Post Series Finale **

**May 2005**

**McMurphy's Bar**

**Coin Toss**

The coin was tossed.

It spun in the air.

All watched with bated breath as the fate of our heroes was decided by the ridiculous flip of a coin.

Would Harm have to give up his new captaincy and his prestigious position in London – a gift from the powers that be for punishments inflicted that were just shy of cruel or inhuman?

OR …

Would Mac have to give up her first command that would naturally lead to her 'full bird' and the culmination of all that she had been working toward since joining the marines?

And …

Would the finally stated "love" and the untried, untested, unknown relationship be enough for the loser to fill the professional void that would necessarily be left?

Those who watched as bystanders (hardly innocent and most assuredly invested) had other questions: Who would win? Who would lose? Would the winner feel like a winner or could the loser convince him/herself to feel like a winner? Would the winner be able live with the guilt of winning? When did it happen – this declaration of love and proposal of marriage? Could this out pouring of emotion just have been the eleventh hour panic of losing the daily connection? Who approached whom? Who spoke first? Did it really matter? Was it really true? Did both feel the same way or was one desperate and the other flattered? Did they really love each other enough to give up the one thing that was the constant in his or her life for the other? And the last big set of questions: How did it come to this – a coin toss? Weren't there better ways for two rational, intelligent, practical people to determine which direction they would take the rest of their lives?

The coin started its descent.

In moments all would be over. Nine years of fighting for the top, of one-ups-manships, of egos was about to come to an end or at least another pivotal moment with this rashly conceived final selfish/selfless act. Would the loser declare "two out of three"? Would the winner magnanimously yield to the other? Could one afternoon of frantic declarations, a marriage proposal and the long overdue physical intimacy change a nine-year relationship pattern? Did either of them really appreciate all that they could lose or what they were about to gain?

Bud stuck his hand out to catch the coin.

Creswell snatched it out of the air.

All eyes were on him instantly.

"Rabb, MacKenzie … May I speak with you?" Creswell stepped away expecting them to follow.

Harm and Mac still held their breath as they followed. Their fate was still hanging in the balance – rather it was clenched firmly in their CO's fist.

"I don't know how to tell you this," Creswell stated. "But you can't quit … neither of you."

"What?" they echoed.

"Well first of all Rabb, you were hand-picked by the president to fill a captain's billet in London and you accepted the promotion. And MacKenzie, you are due to report in less than 24 hours to assume command of the San Diego office."

"But-," came the next round.

"People, this is not MacDonald's … we are a country at war, you two are officers – commissioned officers – you serve at the pleasure of the president - you can't just quit."

Harm and Mac were stunned. That scenario hadn't occurred to them.

"However, you wouldn't be the first married couple to be stationed apart. So congratulations, I am very happy for you, but your orders stand," he handed the coin back to Harm and strode out of the bar.

There was no further discussion. All the air had been let out of the Rabb/MacKenzie balloon. If they were being honest, they were both a little relieved. The decision was taken away from them – neither could be held responsible. This time it was neither one's fault that it didn't work out. They were both willing to try, but it didn't work out. They both won and lost, but what was won and lost neither really understood.

**Mackenzie Residence**

**Later That Evening**

Mac came out of the bathroom having changed into sweats. Not really what she had planned on wearing that night. It was supposed to be her wedding night (not like it was planned weeks in advance, or even days – the 'wedding night' was only an expectation hours old). Harm had called the justice of the peace from the car to tell him that they wouldn't make it. He said 'something came up.' Mac thought it was an odd thing to say, like they had to postpone their wedding because they blew a tire on the road, or they got a call from a friend who just came in from out of town, or the dog got sick (and they didn't even have a dog).

'Something came up'?

What came up was the very real cold slap in the face that not only did neither really want to give up the opportunity laid at their feet for the sake of a relationship; that a coin toss was a stupid compromise in spite of (or because of) its simplicity, but finally in the end, it should never have come to that. A coin toss! How ridiculous. It was too little, too late. They were about to be separated by 6000 miles of land and water and that frightened them enough to move toward marriage? Wasn't that a bit like going from Zero to 180 mph in the bat of an eye? Talk about whiplash! Thank God for General Creswell and his hardnosed, unsympathetic realism – they could have been married and 12 hours away from regretting the worst mistake of their lives. Well probably not the worst mistake, but it would have been one that was hard to live with and harder still to recover from.

It never should have gone so far as the PROPOSAL phase. They should have declared their love, made love – made a lot of love – and promised to call, write and visit as often as possible. But it was too late. Now they would have to talk, discuss, rationalize and plan. It was no longer about enjoying a new love, exploring a new side to the relationship, fulfilling nine years of desires; it was about practical matters.

"I love you, Sarah," he said handing her a cup of tea. "And I don't want to lose you."

"You won't lose me," she said almost convincingly. "We'll figure this thing out."

"Of course we will … we have come too far to turn back now."

"Exactly."

"We can survive this," he announced like it was something he had just convinced himself of.

"Of course we can … hell … we have survived worse than separation," she concurred.

They sat silently for a moment. The issue was they hadn't actually survived anything of the kind. In fact both knew that the only reason they were together at all was because they were geographically connected. Having an office two doors away from the person you have feelings for tends to keep those feeling fresh and alive. If Mac had quit all those years ago, they never would have remained in contact. When Harm left to go back to the carrier there was barely any communication at all. In fact that was when Mic Brumby walked into her life. During those months Harm was with the CIA they didn't talk. There were other reasons for that, but still nothing compelled them to declare their feelings.

A lot had changed in the past year. Both Mac and Harm grew up a lot. Harm had Mattie and Mac had her health issues. Maybe losing the petty baggage of the prior years was enough. Maybe they finally did "get" what was important. Maybe it would have worked – but before they would know – it was going to be tested again.

"So this will be our courtship," he said as if trying it out on himself first. "Our official courtship."

"Huh?"

"Well, nothing else has been conventional between us, why should our romance?"

"Our romance?" she liked the sound of that.

"Sure …we will send sappy cards and flowers … lots of e-mails … we will talk dirty on the phone … we will arrange secret rendezvous and … and … and …"

"And talk."

"Right … God knows I need to do a lot of fact checking with you."

"Fact checking?"

"Yeah … like … when you said X … I thought Y … and -," he postulated.

"And you should have thought Z or responded with Q," she smiled.

"Q?" he laughed. "Is Q anything like this?" he kissed her.

She snuggled into him. "Harm, Qing would have saved us years of misunderstandings."

"So what?' he smiled. "I should have kissed you on the boat in Sydney Harbor?"

"You should have kissed me right after I pulled you on to that helicopter in the Arizona desert," she told him.

"You would have tossed me back out," he laughed.

"More than likely, but I would have felt badly about it."

"That's some consolation."

"You were so arrogant back then."

"And you were bound and determined to show that you were a marine first and a woman second," he countered.

"Really?" she never thought of it like that.

"The whole first … what … mission we went on together, I couldn't figure you out."

"You were just messed up with me looking like Diane," she shoved back. "And that didn't go away for a while."

He laughed and shook his head. "After the first hour … you looked like her … but you were your own person … your own marine."

"Diane was all woman?" she tried to hide the hurt.

"I didn't say that … but I never confused the two of you."

"What about when you kissed me on the dock?"

"Mac," he leaned back so he could really look in her face.

"You were kissing her," she stated again.

"You said that, I never did," he admitted. "You came out there to stop me from committing murder, and yes you looked like her dressed in that uniform, but honest to God … I was kissing you."

Mac let his words rest with her a moment. She wanted to believe him.

"You let me off the hook when you made your statement," he explained. "And me being the nature born chicken I am with a woman that I really care about --- I took the out."

That she believed. "We do have a lot to talk through, don't we?"

He nodded. "We do, but I know where I want to end up."

She snuggled back into him. "Me too."

"We can still get married tomorrow," he offered.

She shook her head. "It won't make any difference about how I feel about you."

"Nor me."

She braved the next. "Let's wait until we can do it right … with our friends … there is no need to rush it."

He agreed. "If you are sure."

"I am - if you are," she checked.

"I am … I love you … and I will marry you sooner rather than later, Sarah MacKenzie … but I would like to do it right … plan the wedding you want – we want – a honeymoon … all that stuff that goes with committing to the one person you will spend the rest of your life with."

"One thing," she said slyly.

"And that is?"

"Let's pretend like tonight is our wedding night … let's pretend like the rest of our life starts tonight"

He grinned back. "It does," he kissed her and carried her off to the bedroom.

**---x-M-a-s--C-a-n-d-y---**

**June Though November 2005**

**The Rabb/MacKenzie Phone Tag Game**

**June 2005**

"I'm sorry I missed your call … I was in the shower … I love you, too … It was really great talking to you last night… These phone bills are going to be a killer."

"I missed you again? … I am sorry. … The meeting ran long. … I couldn't stay focused … had someone on my mind …you can't say stuff like that to me when I am at work … love you … later."

"I'm sorry I couldn't take your call … you would not believe the pile of people in my office … it's just nuts."

"This is bad … I can't stop thinking about you … hard to get anything done. … I really need to see you. I love you."

"Hi … me again … I miss you. … What do you think about meeting in New York for 4th of July? … I love you. … Call me."

"New York sounds wonderful … fairly sure I can break free. … I'll let you know tonight. … I am going to be in meetings all day … it's crazy around here. … Gotta go … love you."

**July 2005**

"Hi … I'll call you later, but I needed to give you the bad news. … I can't get away. There is too much going on around here and no one seems to care that it's a holiday. I'm sorry … I can't tell you how disappointed I am … I know we would only have had two days and ONE LOUSY NIGHT … well I bet it wouldn't have been lousy, but it would have been way to short. Anyway, I need to get into a meeting, maybe we can try again in a couple of weeks."

"I got your message about the 16th and 17th but that won't work for me. Damn this is hard. Call me when you get a chance. We'll figure it out. Hey, I got something else to ask you – about the Sanders case. Call me. Love you."

**August 2005**

"Labor day weekend might be the best chance. I am supposed to be in Washington that weekend, so can we change it from New York to DC? … I got the file you sent. I think you need to look at the alibi a little closer … and who made those notes in the margin? That is not your writing. Well who ever it is he is not getting it. Check the alibi and call me when you get out of your meeting and we can talk about it some more."

"I got your notes back, thanks for looking at it. You have some good ideas and I am going to steal them and not give you credit ... HA … Not going to be able to do Labor Day … The thing that held me up last week is coming to a head that weekend. I need to be here for that. Sorry."

"Good job on the case. You go girl."

"Thanks for the flowers … I am still not going to give you credit."

**September 2005**

"Hi, just checking in. We haven't actually spoken in a while. I heard about that thing you did. I am really proud of you. Call me when you get a chance."

"I'm sorry I haven't called. This job is taking all my time but I am making headway. We will talk this weekend. Pencil me in for Sunday morning … yours or mine I don't care."

"Hi … me again … you be careful would you? I don't want to hear about you putting your life on the line like that again … I should be there to back you up … I am proud of you too."

**October 2005**

"Tag … you're it."

"Back at you."

**November 2005**

"Mac?" Harm was surprised. "Am I really talking to you and not your machine?"

She leaned back in her chair. "Hi … how have you been?" she was distant. Not angry, just distant.

"Busy … you would not believe what has been going on around here."

She picked up a copy on the Navy Times opened to a picture of a reception in London. Harm was not prominent in the picture, but he could be seen dancing with a woman – a very tall, blonde, beautiful woman – in the background. "I have an idea," she said coldly.

"You saw the Navy Times," he stated.

"I lined the bird cage with it."

"Mac … she's the ambassador's daughter from --."

"Sweden, I know … and I don't care."

Harm was taken completely off guard. "You don't?"

"No, how the hell can I be jealous of a man I never see, barely talk to and have no hope of having either of those change in the near future."

Harm sighed. "This just isn't working for us, is it?"

"Nope," she sighed as well.

"Damn it," he muttered. "Mac, I love you … I really do … you know that right?"

"I do know that … and I am not worried about you getting hooked up with some Swedish bimbo … and I love you … but Harm … this is not enough for me … in fact it hurts more than being alone … and I know about being alone."

"Yeah, me too."

"So what do we do?"

"We are both too dug in to quit our jobs," he stated for the record. It was the only thing they knew for sure they could hang on to. "It won't always be this way."

"But it is now and in the foreseeable future."

"Yeah," he sighed again. "I am sorry Mac … this is my fault."

"No, no it's not," she challenged. "It is not about fault."

"Can I still call you?" he asked tentatively.

"You better …" She covered the phone with her hand for a moment and then got back on the line. "I need to go."

"You just trying to get me off the line?" he asked.

"No, just had an SP shoot a marine who was trying to get off base."

"Sorry … go … I'll talk to you."

"Yeah," she paused. "Harm, … for the record … I am not happy about this."

"I know … neither am I."

"I am not even relieved … but something has to give."

"Yeah … can I still tell you 'I love you'?" he asked.

She nearly let the tears welling up in her eyes fall. "I gotta go," she croaked and hung up.

Harm looked at the receiver in his hand for a long time. "Damn it?" he slammed it down. He was not happy either.

**---x-M-a-s--C-a-n-d-y---**

**December 24, 2005**

**Heathrow Airport, London**

Harm checked his itinerary: LHR – IAD -- SAN. London -- Washington, DC -- San Diego. No return flight. This was a one-way trip.

That wasn't the last time Harm and Mac talked, but the next conversation netted more of the same. They had decided that neither one should have to give up their career. Each was finally in a position to really make a difference. They loved each other but a relationship with 6000 miles between them was more stressful than supportive. At the time he was in full agreement with all that they had discussed. The failed attempts to get together only served to make the time and distance between them harder to bear. He was happy that she loved her work. He was happy for himself for the same reason. They had always been career driven people. It was to be expected; career driven people with the worst sense of timing.

So why was he getting on a plan going east? They had another conversation that was short and sweet, one that came the day after Thanksgiving.

His phone rang as he was dialing her number:

"Harm?" she was not tentative or scared; she had an agenda.

"Washington," he said with no other explanation.

"Christmas Eve," she confirmed not even bothering to pretend it was a question.

"I love you," she said easily.

"I love you," he stated the fact.

There were little or no conversations between them for the rest of the month. Both were afraid to call for fear that 'something would come up' and ruin the 'one more chance' they gave themselves. There were no emails or any other kind of communication. Harm knew he was to take care of the hotel and Mac would arrange the trip to Justice of the Peace, probably Christmas morning. Then they would have seven days to make up for the past seven months.

It wasn't the conversation (or lack there of) that he had with Mac that got him thinking – thinking that seven days would not be enough, that phone calls, emails and Hallmark cards would never be enough – in fact they would taint any future they were able to carve out down the road. It was a conversation he had with his ex-CO, AJ Chegwidden, that motivated him. He has spoken to him just before Thanksgiving and they were talking about the holiday plans. AJ was retired and alone. He had spent some quality time with his daughter but she had her own life to live. AJ was struggling everyday to find something to fill the void left by work. What got to Harm was the loneliness he heard in AJ's voice. It echoed through him like a warning: a warning that if he did not change his ways, he too would wind up alone with nothing but a good historic naval career to be nostalgic about and making capon for one on Thanksgiving day.

Harm loved his job. He was good at his job. It was the first time in his life that he was in the right place, doing the right thing and getting things done without having to go outside the rules to do it. The stakes had never been higher. He was respected and admired and was providing a very necessary service in a very volatile time. Americans were not loved abroad and much of the work Harm was doing was working with people from various nations and smoothing the waters. It was a very political position for him and he was very good at it. If Harm had a chance in hell of making admiral or JAG someday, this was his path to do that, but he had a long way to go. If that were indeed the way he wanted to go. Then he imagined himself as AJ. He wanted more than that.

It was then that Harm realized that he was actually lonely. He had always been a bit of a loner, never getting tied too firmly to anything or any one, but he had never been lonely – the kind of lonely that wakes you up in the middle of the night. He was still unsure – like the chicken and the egg – did he feel lonely because he missed the one person he loved, or was he lonely and Mac – rather the memory of Mac – became the answer to that loneliness. Regardless, he did not want to look himself in the mirror at 60 and know that all he was for his whole life was 'the job'. He had more to give. He had more to take from life than the stripes on his sleeve.

Harm had thought long and hard before he called his CO. He considered that maybe Mac was really not the only woman in the world for him. He considered that maybe they were only meant to be the people who could never get the timing right. He considered the alternative - alternatives. There were many women in his sphere in his new position; many women who enjoyed his company and made him laugh living within 20 miles. Some were uncommonly beautiful. Most came with a lot less baggage than he and Mac would bring to a relationship. And honestly Harm tried to see himself with another woman. He had been having business dinners with women (and men) since he arrived in London, so it was not such a big deal to ask a woman to dinner and not discuss work or world affairs. He didn't feel like he was cheating, he didn't feel like he was being disloyal to Mac. He actually felt that he was being rude to the women. He had no intention of falling in love with any of them. His heart was secured. There was no decision to make, he knew what he had – nay, what he wanted to do.

His CO tried to talk him out of it.

"Don't you think you should discuss this with the lady?" he asked. "Do you think that what you are giving up is too much of a … a gift to give?"

"It's not nearly enough." Harm told him. "And the gift is as much for myself as for her."

The announcement to board came over the loud speaker. They were only three hours late and the weather was getting worse on the east coast of the states. Harm was annoyed but grateful that they hadn't canceled the flight. He folded the ticket jacket and tucked it into his pocket next to his orders.

**December 24, 2005**

**Dulles International Airport**

Mac sat nervously in her seat. They had been stuck on the tarmac for nearly three hours. She was going crazy. The plane landed without incident but there was something going on in the terminal that was preventing them from getting to the gate. They had been told that a bus was on its way out to pick them up but that was nearly an hour ago.

Harm should have landed five hours prior and he was probably waiting at the hotel. She couldn't even call him. The waiting was driving her crazy – not just to get off the plane but to see him. It had been driving her crazy for nearly a week. Mac had developed and executed a plan. She didn't tell him about it, she didn't want to tell him because she wasn't sure it was going to work out so she didn't want to give too much away. Honestly she didn't want to jinx it.

It was near Thanksgiving that her whole attitude changed. She had over heard two of her staff talking. They didn't mean anything by it; they were just venting, but what one of them said really hit a cord. Mac had been in a particularly foul mood since the 'this is not working out' phone call she had with Harm in early November. She didn't see it at first, but she took it hard. She took it as her biggest defeat. It had been a year prior that she had finally accepted that she would not have children, and recently she was forced to accept that she would not be married again – probably ever. She didn't believe that Harm was her last chance, but she honestly couldn't see how she could move past him after they had come so close and never had the chance – rather had never given each other the chance to do it right.

In any event, she had ripped her staff a new one over something. What had happened was bad and she was well within her rights to be upset with the screw up, but she could have handled it better. As she walked by the break room she over heard a simple statement made by a yeoman (who would never go far in the Navy irrespective of her big mouth). She said "That bitch needs to get a life." Of course the person who was on the receiving end of that unsolicited remark reminded the yeoman "That is Colonel Bitch to you … and this **_IS_** her life … get used to it or get out."

Mac was totally humbled. At first she was angry, then hurt, then she really let the merits of their comments sink in. Mac was her job. Mac was ALL MARINE. Mac had gone out of her way NOT to make friends in San Diego, to remain personally detached from all the people who worked for her. She worked six to seven days a week, sometimes well into the wee hours of the morning – and most of that was work that should have been delegated. She had to recognize that what she had assumed was "professional ambition" was actually nothing more than a way to bury herself so deeply that she wouldn't have to deal with how unhappy she was.

On the morning of Thanksgiving she woke up, looked at herself in the mirror and told herself to 'get a life.' She had been invited to the base commander's house for dinner and that was when she hatched a plan to get herself replaced at JAG and transfer to London. The base commander's was sorry to lose her, but had made many career decisions in his life that ensured that he was home with his family as much as possible. He understood. Three days before Christmas, Mac's orders came through. She would be a liaison in the Public Affairs office based in London; she would be working two floors down from Harm and not in his chain of command. The job was beneath her – at least her pay grade - and some major strings had to be pulled to get her the job. She didn't care; they would be together.

The conversation with Creswell didn't go so well. He told her that she could be the first female marine JAG if she just stuck to it. He gave her every argument in the book, but when she trumped him with his family vs. his career – asking him if he had to give up one for the other, which would he choose. He pushed her paperwork through.

Finally they were deplaned. She tried the hotel, but they said that he hadn't checked in yet. She tried his cell phone, but apparently it didn't work in the states or was turned off or something. She decided to go to the wall. He had to know she was late, and was getting that out of the way before they saw each other.

**December 24, 2005**

**State Route 95, North to Washington DC**

Harm's plane had been diverted to South Carolina. The weather was too bad at Dulles. He found some crazy charter pilot who would take him as far at Norfolk but he would have to drive the rest of the way. Somewhere along the line he lost his cell phone. He didn't have Mac's number (curse the speed dial) nor did he want to take the time to stop and find a payphone and figure it out. He blew a tire outside of Dale City and miraculously was picked up by the Navy Choir on their way to DC for a midnight Christmas concert on the mall. One of the guys let Harm use his phone. He was able to confirm that Mac's plane had landed – late but safe. He called the hotel and was told that she had not checked in but left a message for him that she was headed to the wall. It was all working out; the choir would drop him off. For the first time in nearly 24 hours Harm had hope; he just wished that they could drive a little faster.

**Viet Nam War Memorial**

**Washington DC**

**December 24, 2005 – Near Midnight**

Mac has been waiting for nearly an hour. She was beginning to panic. She found out that his plane was diverted and was beginning to believe that he would not make it. She continued to try his cell phone, but it never went through. She contacted the hotel again, left her message, but had not picked one up from Harm. She told herself that she would wait until midnight, pay her respects to Harm's father and then go back to the hotel and hope that he called. Her anxiety had turned. She was now not anxious or excited about seeing him, now she was terrified that something would happen to him. That some how this plan to meet in Washington was a bad idea, with weather and other issues it would be a miracle if they made it. It was all so hard – too hard. She had to believe that someone was trying to keep them apart. She wrapped herself up tightly and rocked against the anger and cold. She was just about to scream when a gentle hand touched her shoulder.

"Sarah," his voice cut through the snowy night.

She turned and looked up into his smiling face.

"We made it," his familiar grin warmed her to her toes.

She pulled herself up in into his arms. "Harm," she whispered and held herself tightly against him. She hadn't realized it but she was crying.

"Hey … hey … hey," he soothed. "Don't cry," he told her.

"I love you," she whimpered. "I have missed you so much."

"I missed you more," he challenged. Finally they kissed. Her lips were nearly frozen and his weren't warm enough. "We have to get you inside."

"No," she held on to him. "I want to give you your Christmas present."

"Here?" he laughed.

"Here and now," she smiled through her tears. She pulled an envelop out of her pocket. "Harm, you mean more to me than anything. It took me a while to get my head straight and to believe I could have the life I wanted … my priorities have changed … I am putting you … Putting us first. I love you."

Harm was confused. They were they same words that were spinning in his head that he was planning on saying to her – not exactly, but then again he hadn't figured out what he would say yet. He pulled her orders out. He read them over twice. She was due to report January 3rd to a dead end job that was just one side of being a clerk and would be two floors down from him – well she would have been.

"I don't understand," he was confused.

"I transferred … I am going to London … we can be together."

"What about San Diego? Your command?" he was still a little confused.

"Actually … I think they are giving it to Bud," she smiled.

"Bud? Bud Roberts?"

She nodded. It was a bonus to know that her departure gave Creswell a chance to promote Bud.

Harm sunk down on to the bench. "I can't believe this," he said. "You gave up your career … for me?"

She got a little nervous. Maybe he didn't want her in London – how could she have been so wrong? "Harm?"

"You gave up everything you had been working for … a command … promotions … everything for me?" he was shocked, and touched and surprised.

"I love you."

He heard her but didn't acknowledge it. "You didn't tell me."

"Harm," she was scared. "I didn't want to get our hopes up if I couldn't pull it off."

"But you did," he looked at her.

"Did what?"

"Pull it off."

She nodded. "Shouldn't I have?" her voice cracked, her heart was pounding in her chest.

He hugged her hard. "I love you Sarah … I never thought … I mean … no one has ever … I can't believe …"

"You can't believe that anyone would make the same kind of sacrifices that you make?" she stated. "Harm, I should have done it a long time ago," she kissed him. "Will you marry me … now … tonight? … Will you spend the rest of your life letting me love you and sharing your life with me?"

"Yes," he smiled. "Yes, I will marry you … and yes we will share our lives together," he kissed her and held her tightly for a moment. "There's just one thing."

She was too happy to even think that he was being serious. "Anything."

"Well, I guess I need to give you my present."

"No, Harm … it can wait."

"Actually, Sarah … It can't," he pulled his orders out of his pocket and handed them to her. "You know what they say about great minds."

She read the orders. "POINT MUGU?" she nearly screeched. "You transferred to Point Mugu?"

"I didn't know," he defended.

She looked up at him. "You report in 10 days," she told him.

"Thought we would use those for a honeymoon," he tried to find the humor in the situation but Mac was not having it.

"So we are right back where we started," she stood up.

He grabbed her hand before she could walk away. "That is not your only present," he stood up and moved her back to the bench.

"I don't think I can take any more," her mind was racing.

He sat her down on the bench, and kneeled in front of her.

"Harm."

He pulled her left glove off and pulled both of his off and searched in his vest pocket for something.

"Harm … get up."

"Sarah," he produced a velvet box. "Sarah, I have loved you for as long as I can remember. I don't want to live another day without you. I promise to be your friend, your lover and your husband until the end of our time … and beyond. Will you marry me?" He opened the box to reveal a perfect single stoned diamond.

Mac's breath caught in her throat. "Yes," was all she was able to say.

He took the ring out of the box and slipped it on her finger. It was a perfect fit and a perfect sized stone for her hand. He kissed her.

"I love you," she told him as she admired her knew ring. "It is perfect."

He had to admit himself that it looked perfect on her hand.

"But we have a problem," she stated practically hoping not break the spell.

"Yeah … but I have a plan."

"You say a coin toss and --."

"Nope … here is what we are going to do … if you agree," he waited for her to respond.

"Go on."

"We are going to do what we should have done YEARS ago … we are going to talk."

"Talk?"

"Yep," he smiled. "We are going to talk and discuss, and weigh the pros and cons and come up with a plan that works for both of us. We are going to be --."

"Rational, dispassionate, egoless and honest," she offered.

"Well … I hope that we can be a little passionate," he smiled.

"Point taken," she leaned into him. "We have a lot to consider."

"We do … about what we want out of life … our careers, from each other, where we want to live, where we want to raise our children."

She looked up at him about to remind him of what he already knew.

"Mac … anything is possible … miracles happen every day … and if they don't just happen, then we make them happen … just look at us right now … would you ever have thought that we would be here?"

"No … honestly … no … but even more honestly … I don't think it could have happened any other way."

They kissed again.

"What do we do with these?" she held up his orders.

He took his, folded it up with hers and stuffed it into his pocket. "That is for tomorrow … right now … and for the next 24 hours … we are young … well young in-love … it is Christmas … and I am marrying you … all we need to know about these …" He touched his pocket. "… is that there is a plan … there is a way to resolve it … and we will do just that … together."

"Wow … you really do believe in miracles," she laughed.

"I believe in us … maybe for the first time … but I believe that there is nothing standing in our way … and nothing will ever stand in our way again."

He kissed her and she kissed him back.

He looked back at the wall. "Say a little prayer for us Dad … not that we need it … but all help is appreciated."

Just then over the mall was heard the Navy Chior ….

"_We three kings of Orient are; _

_Bearing gifts we traverse afar, _

_Field and fountain, moor and mountain, _

_Following yonder star…"_

Mac and Harm looked at each other. Almost in unison they said, "Thank you." The gifts they had given each other were more profound than words. They each had given up everything they knew, everything they held as important, everything they had valued for 20 years for the other. What better gift is there?

"Merry Christmas," they said in unison.


	24. Christmas: Noelle's First Christmas

**Title: Noelle's First Christmas**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2005**

**Spoilers: Post Season Finale **

**Coin Toss Result: San Diego **

**December 24, 2005**

**MacKenzie/Rabb Residence**

**San Diego, California**

Harm stood back admiring his handiwork. He had done the tree, all by himself. It looked good – even if he had to say so himself. He couldn't remember the last Christmas tree he had decorated, but it was to be the first for them as a couple; he wanted it to be memorable. There were some presents to put under the tree, but honestly the material things never meant that much to them.

Mac was at work and wasn't likely to make it home before midnight and if that weekend were anything like that past 15 weekends (Christmas or not), she would be up before dawn and out at the office again and home well past dinner time. In Harm's mind the only bad thing about married life was Mac's command. They had given it to her because she earned it, but Mac was never one to rest on her laurels. All it really served to do was motivate her to work harder taking a 50-hour workweek and turning it into a 75-hour workweek. To her credit, she did take Sundays off – completely. That was their day. The day they caught up on everything from housework to conversations to making love. Harm had to admit, the quality of those Sunday's made up for the lack of quantity. He further convinced himself if the coin and flipped the other way, his career would be interfering with the marriage and he wondered if he would have been able to handle it as well as she did.

He was happy. As happy as he thought he could get. He had given up his navy career – a career that was already thread bear (in his mind) – but he got to retire as a Captain (if in name only). Whether he was being honest with himself or if he was just calling 'sour grapes', he told anyone that would listen that he NEVER wanted to go to London and it didn't matter the position or what it could have meant to his future. He was happy that the coin toss turned out as it had. He had even convinced himself if it had turned out the other way, he would have quit anyway.

He remained a reserve and continued to fly – his first love. He took a job in a law firm in California. It was good. He liked the people he worked with, was given a great deal of latitude and he was earning at least four times the paycheck with about 2/3rds the work. His big deal for the past seven months was taking care of Mattie. Mattie's medical bills were astronomical; so he would have had to join the private sector regardless. It took him a while to track down Tom and a bit of an effort to convince the judge that Tom was not the proper guardian for Mattie, and then there was the relocation to San Diego. She was doing better, much better. He was reconciled to the fact that she would never walk again and would only have limited use of her arms, but he would not let her curl up and quit. If all that Mattie had left was her mind, then by the gods, he would make sure she used it to its fullest capacity. Mattie relied on Harm's positive outlook for a lot. She may never be able to go to a real home, but Harm made it as acceptable as possible.

All and all the first seven months of married life was good. It was a little lonely at times for both Mac and Harm – they worked a lot, but the love they felt and the support they gave each other was enough to fill the void. In October they had bought a little house with help from Harm's mother and step-father near the water. It was perfect for them and it a great location. They were settling in: painting, buying furniture, gardening. The marriage felt like it was getting off to a slow start. They tried to take solace in the fact that they were still getting to know one another on such an intimate level. Their courtship/engagement was all of 16 hours and they made love once before committing to a lifetime together. It was an easy transition, but there were still things to learn, things were still changing. Still both felt (did not articulate it) that something was missing; Harm felt that more deeply than Mac but it was there.

The doorbell rang and Harm reached for his wallet. He had ordered Chinese knowing that Mac would be hungry when she got home and he was not about to cook – hell he still had all the stuff to put away from the tree. He checked his watch on the way to the door, it was too early for them to arrive – Hop Li's 45 minutes was always an hour and a half. He opened the door and was shocked by what he saw.

"Hi honey," Mac said stepping through the door with a bundle in her arms. "I'm home."

He closed the door behind her and followed her with his eyes. "I can see that, and I see that you brought a guest for dinner."

"Do you mind?" she smiled coyly at him.

"Introduce me," Harm stepped toward her trying to see the bundle.

Mac sat down on the couch and loosened the swaddling around a beautiful little baby who could not have been more than a month old. "Her name is Sarah Noelle," she announced. "But we are calling her Noelle."

"Pretty," he declared. "Who is she, and who is we?"

"The staff and I," she fussed with the blankets around Noelle's face.

"And just where did little Noelle come from?" Harm sat down next to her to get a better look at the baby.

"She was left on my door step … quite literally … on our door step with a note – a note addressed to me."

"A note that said?"

"'Take care of my little girl.'" Mac looked up at Harm hoping he wouldn't be too hard headed about what really needed to be done. Mac should have called child protective services immediately.

"So you brought her home," he acknowledged.

"Harm," she started to protest until she noticed the tree. "It's Christmas," she smiled up at him and leaned over for him to kiss her. "And it's absolutely beautiful."

"Yeah … I did it myself," he said proudly.

Mac got a little sad. He did not mean it as a slam; she knew that. But ever since she got Noelle in her arms her priorities flipped as if a switch had been thrown. Sometime during the first diaper change, Mac realized that the hours she was spending at work were wasted. She wanted to get home to her husband with this little life that needed her … needed them.

"Sarah?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't here to help," she had tears in her eyes.

He hadn't seen her like that in a long time. "I know … I understand … there is more to do … I left the tinsel for you," he laughed. "And the clean up."

"Gee, thanks," she looked back down at Noelle who wasn't sleeping but was not fussing either. She was watching the lovers with wide-eyed amazement.

Harm reached for the baby. "Let me have her … go change … go on … we will be fine."

Mac hadn't let anyone else hold her at the office, but when Harm reached for her, she felt safe turning the child over. "You ordered dinner," she said heading toward the bedroom.

"I did … but I didn't know about our guest."

"Jennifer said she would stop and get all the stuff we needed for Noelle," she called back to him. "She will be here any minute."

"Didn't get enough for Jennifer either," he smiled down at the baby who eyes lit up at his big toothy grin. "Hey," he called. "I think she likes me."

"What's not to like about you?" Mac came back pulling on a NAVY sweatshirt and leaned over the couch. She kissed his cheek and gazed down at the baby.

"You do know that we have to make the call," he said evenly without any force or urgency.

"We can call on Monday," she assured him.

"Do you have anyone looking for the mother?" he asked.

"Yes," was her simple uninformative answer. She didn't actually assign anyone the task of looking for the mother, but Lt. Vukovic took it upon himself. She had to order him NOT to contact the SP and to do it on the down low. He was not pleased about that.

The bell rang again.

"That could be Hop Li," he leaned forward and pulled his wallet out again. "Here."

Very comfortably Mac took the wallet and reached in for the money. It still amazed her at times how easy it was to go from being independent, self-sufficienent and very nearly adversaries to being a couple who shared everything. What was hers was his and vice versa and that included money, toiletries, food, clothes (which is not to say Harm wore her underwear, but Mac certain took ownership of his sweats), not to mention time and attention and the short hand language that is normally only attributed to couple who have been married or at least dating for years. From almost that first moment in his apartment when he kissed her back in May, they were one. They were one, but they were not whole.

"I hope you got me some Moo Shu," she called over her shoulder knowing full well that if it wasn't Moo Shu it would have been something else that was a favorite of hers. She opened the door and was silenced by her new visitors.

It was Vic, a young woman (a girl really) that clearly had been crying, two SPs and an older woman who looked so jaded and mean she had to be from child protective services. Vic looked disgusted and walked past her into the house. The woman and the girl followed. The girl saw Harm holding the baby and turned away and started crying again. She was over wrought. The SPs stayed outside.

"What is going on here Lieutenant," Harm said standing up. He still had a command tone about him, and even though he couldn't truly intimidate Vic, he could make him squirm.

Vic tried to ignore Harm, but honestly the marriage of Mac and Harm took all the wind out of his sails with Mac personally and professionally. He actually was convinced the Creswell ordered Mac to take him to San Diego with her. Vicwas not wrong.

"We found the mother," Vicannounced

The girl started crying and speaking very quickly in a language that no one could understand – well no one except Mac. It was Farsi. Her name was Soraya. She was from a village south of Baghdad. Her family was killed in some bombing at the beginning of the war and she was rescued by a marine. The best Mac could figure out was that the marine had smuggled her back into the country a year ago with every intention of marrying her. She had been living with his only living family (an elderly aunt and uncle) and he had been sending nearly all his money home. The family didn't know that she was pregnant and wasn't happy about it since the baby was born the day after they got the news that Sergeant Noel Franklin was killed in action. Since he hadn't married her, the family assumed there would be no more money for her and the baby. They couldn't afford to keep them any longer, so they turned her out. Soraya was happy to go but she had a baby and was in a foreign country.

Soraya had remembered Mac. She evidently had helped Franklin when he had first brought Soraya home, so she thought that Mac would be the best person to care for her child. Soraya herself wanted to go back to Iraq; she didn't belong in the USA, but she could not bring home a half American half Iraqi child.

"Mac," Harm asked. "Do you remember Sergeant Franklin?"

Mac shook her head. "Not really."

Vicpiped up. "You helped him re-write his will." Vic said proudly as if doing research was his specialty. He handed the documents over to Mac.

"It made provisions for his future children, but nothing about a wife or mother." Vic glared at Soraya. "He had no intention of marrying her."

"That's enough Lieutenant." Harm bellowed making the baby squirm. He handed the child to Mac. "Fine work, Vic," he clapped him on the shoulder and turned him toward the door. "We can take it from here," he hustled him out. "Mac, why don't you take Soraya into the kitchen and get her something to eat."

Mac knew that Harm wanted to discuss the situation with the lady from CPS.

The doorbell rang again.

Harm scanned the room and said, "should have ordered more rice."

Before he could get to the door, Jennifer let herself in followed by a couple of other staffers. They were laden down all kinds of baby paraphernalia from blankets, to toys, to a crib, to car seats to food. They must have cleaned out Babies-R-Us. "Where do you want this stuff, sir?" Jennifer asked.

"Second room on the right," he pointed down the hall. He turned back to the older woman from CPS. "I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced."

"I know who you are Captain Rabb," she stated dryly.

"Then you know I am retired," he motioned for them to sit down. "And you are."

"I am Agnes Starr."

"Agnes … can I call you Agnes?" he flashed her a disarming smile that worked. "It is late … it is Christmas Eve … as you can see we will take very good care of the child," he laughed. "It may only be for the weekend … but we have enough stuff to last more than a month."

"Captain," she shook her head.

"Agnes, do you have a family?" he interrupted her.

"I have two sons," she told him. "My husband is overseas … he is stationed on the Seahawk."

Harm found a connection. "A pilot?" he asked.

"He is a plane captain … ground crew … he takes care of those jets that you boys fly."

Harm nodded. He had a great deal of respect for the guys that kept those planes in the air. "Wouldn't you rather be at home with your sons than filling out forms? Don't you think that the child would be better off here for the weekend than in some cold dry --."

"She is not a puppy, Captain." Agnes warned him. "You can't just pick a child up off the street and call her your own."

He smiled again. "We know that … Agnes … you and I both know that … and we both know that no harm will come to the child if we wait to put her into the system until Monday … hell Tuesday is good … no reason to ruin a Monday Holiday."

"Captain."

"How about this …we keep the child, and the mother with us for the weekend."

"The mother is going to jail," she announced quickly but then softened. "Or maybe it was a misunderstanding," she offered hoping that Harm would pick up on it and give her a way to make it happen.

"Of course it was. Soraya had shopping to do and asked Mac to baby-sit. It was only to be a few hours, but she got held up in traffic," he hoped that she would accept this lie. "Everything is fine now."

Agnes nodded. She really did want to be home with her kids, her husband would be calling in an hour or two. "She is still an illegal alien."

"Not so illegal." Harm reminded her. "She is the mother of a US citizen."

"That is not for me to decide." Agnes nodded. "But alright for now … you will hear from me bright and early on Tuesday morning."

"Thank you Agnes."

"Merry Christmas, Captain."

Agnes left and took the two SPs with her. That was about the time the Hop Li's finally showed up.

**Early Christmas Morning**

**Rabb/MacKenzie Residence**

Mac had spent the night talking to Soraya. She had grown angry over the months that Franklin had left her with his family. He knew that she was pregnant before he went back to Iraq (hence the change in the will) but it was not feasible for him to marry her. She had been brought into the country illegally. His thinking was that after the baby was born, the government would be less likely to send her home. Their communication was limited, Soraya's English was near non-existent and Franklin's Farsi was worse. She did tell Mac that she thought that Franklin loved her and would have married her. She was also convinced that Franklin arrogantly believed that the USA would be better for her and his belief was infectious. He promised her a free, happy and safe life but now he was gone. Her only connection to the US was gone; she wanted to go home even if home meant that everything was gone and everyone she knew was dead. Mac questioned her about the child and was stunned by her cold reaction. Soraya didn't want the child. Mac assured her that it would be a legal mess to untangle, but promised to get her back to Iraq and if she truly didn't want to take the baby with her, then Mac would help with the adoption procedures.

Harm had felt Mac slip out of bed very early in the morning, but he thought to leave her be for a while. He noticed, if no one else did, that Mac had been highly emotional all night long and when they had finally settled down for the night she curled into his arms and asked him to hold her and never let go. It was the first time she had ever done that. It was a promise that he easily made. It was going on two hours and he was getting worried.

He found her outside looking out over the water. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her.

"Sarah?"

"How can a mother not want her child?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know," he held her tighter.

"It's not fair," she protested.

"No," he knew what she was getting at. "But until we have lived in her skin, we will probably never understand."

Mac nodded.

Soraya's life was a sad tale. On her wedding day, her father, brother and two uncles had been taken and probably killed by Saddam's men. Less than a year later her husband and his father were taken. She was three months pregnant at the time and lost the baby. Six months after that the war started and her town was destroyed. Months later, Noel Franklin had discovered her hiding in the ruins of what used to be her home. He took care of her, fed her, tended to her wounds. He convinced her to come with him and the next thing she knew she was on a ship bound for the USA. At the time she thought it was salvation, but she soon learned that it was just a different kind of hell. Franklin was good to her; he was kind and gentle. She offered herself to him not out of love but obligation and gratitude. Just before he was due to go back to his unit, she discovered that she was pregnant. She was alone in strange country with strangers who cared little for her. Then Franklin was killed and she was totally alone with a baby she never wanted. She told Mac that she had thought of suicide.

"Sarah?"

"I want to adopt Noelle." Mac stated softly. She turned in his arms hoping to see acceptance.

"Sarah," he did accept her desire but it needed more explanation.

"Harm, I'm sorry," she started to cry.

"Hey … hey what are you crying for?"

"I have been so unfair to you … you don't deserve that … you have been so good, so understanding," she turned away from him. "I have done nothing to deserve that … nothing to deserve you."

"Mac, I love you," he pulled her back.

"You shouldn't … you should hate me," she pushed away from him and went into the house.

"What's going on?" he followed her.

"Harm, I have been selfish and … and … and … wrong."

"What do you mean?"

She snorted a laugh. "Where do I start? Should I go all the way back to the beginning … or just after Brumby left … maybe I should start with when you were accused of a murder you didn't commit and I just walked away … how about using Webb to keep you away …or my endometriosis … you pick … but the worst … the most selfish thing I have ever done was marry you," she flopped down on the couch and turned away from him.

She was still a little emotional. "Mac?"

"Actually … no … the most selfish thing was that damned coin toss."

"The coin toss?"

"I knew that things would change after we got married … I knew I wanted more from life than my damned job … that's why I went there that night … I knew I loved you … I knew I couldn't let you go … I knew that my career would never be enough for me … and I agreed to that coin toss like you and our life was equally important to my job … it wasn't … it never was … like I said … selfish."

Harm was totally confused she was making very little sense. "Mac we agreed --."

"Yes," she cut him off. "We agreed … we agreed without discussion."

He shook his head.

"Harm we never discussed what we wanted from our lives … we just assumed that one of us would have to sacrifice our career … what if it wasn't a sacrifice for me … why didn't you ask me to give up mine …NO," she put up her hand. "This is not your fault … this is not your responsibly … you did nothing wrong."

"Honey, you are going to need to start making some sense."

"Harm … I forced you to ask me to marry you … 'what are you proposing'?" she mocked her own voice from months before. "I mean PLEASE … then I said that I didn't want to give up San Diego … I backed you into a corner … I wanted it all … and I didn't want to pay for any of it."

"Sarah … I am not unhappy … I like our life … I would like more time with you … I would like --."

"Children," she interrupted him again. "Harm, I wanted children … your children to be precise … I have known that I was going to raise my children with you from pretty close to the day we made that damn baby deal. I can't tell you how many nights I fantasized about our life together … about late nights walking the floor with a baby, first steps, soccer practice and school plays … about watching our child go off to college, get married, have children of their own … that is the life I wanted with you … that is the life that I fought so hard against … but ultimately couldn't let go."

"Why did you fight against it?" he asked.

"I don't know … I guess …maybe I thought you didn't want it … or I didn't deserve it," she wiped at her eyes. "Then with I was diagnosed with endometriosis and the doctor said I had almost no chance of ever having children, it was as if everything was taken away. Every hope, every dream, every fantasy that I had for my future … our future was taken away."

He put his hand on her shoulder. "Honey."

"I should have come to you that night … hell I should have come to you years ago and told you how I felt … told you that I love you … that I needed you in my life … that I wanted to spend my life with you and that I wanted to be the mother of your children."

"Is that how you felt?"

"I still do," she cried. "I should have told you this that night … when you suggested the coin toss I thought … 'fine, leave it to fate' … but what I wanted to say was … what I should have said was … 'my career will always be second to you … will be second to our family … and that I wanted to make you a home.' I should have said no to the coin toss … and said I would follow you to the ends of the earth."

Harm couldn't help but chuckle. She was so over the top.

"You think that is funny?" she was almost mad.

"I am trying to picture you as Donna Reed … with heels and pearls and making lunch for our boys," he laughed again. "Mac … honey … you can have it all … it's not one or the other.'

"Harm I put my job first."

"Not really … I mean yes … your career is important to you … and I understand that … but Sarah … we are seven months into the marriage … and honestly I think I love you … am more in love with you than the day we were married … how many people can say that?"

"Harm … that is hardly the point."

"The point is that we had time to get to know each other … we had time to be just a couple … just two of us … honey those days we spent together … those Sundays … they were gifts you gave to us … and even feeling you slip into bed well after midnight after a long day at work and pulling yourself close to me … it was more than a man like me could hope for.'

"A man like you?"

"Sarah … if you want to change … then let's discuss it … if you want a baby … either Noelle or another child or one of our own … we should discuss it."

"I do … I do want a baby … I want your baby … but how selfish of me to now want a baby after I made you give up your career?"

"Sarah, you didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do … who knows what London would have been like … it could have been great it could have been some dead end job that Creswell was pawning off on a sailor he was trying to get rid of … who knows. There is Mattie to consider also … would a judge have allowed us to take her out of the country? … Who knows how your life would have been different if you had followed me to London? It doesn't matter … we made a few mistakes in our years together … and both of us have to take responsibility for that … but in the end … all that really matters is that we are together."

"I don't deserve you."

"You do," he pulled her to him and kissed her.

Noelle started for fuss and Mac quickly pulled herself from his arms to go to her. Harm was not offended; it actually warmed his heart. Mac had always been good with kids, but for a long time she would never allow anyone to see just how loving and caring she really was. He knew. It actually made him love her more.

"She's gone." Mac announced as she came back into the room with Noelle in her arms.

Soraya was gone; this time she left no note.

**Late Christmas Evening**

**Rabb/MacKenzie Residence**

Harm had just gotten off the phone with the police. Soraya's had not been found and Harm and Mac were beginning to suspect that she wouldn't be, at least not alive. The two of them had spent the day on the phone to the police, the Shore Patrol and Franklin's family. Franklin's family was less than helpful. They would make no claim to the child and would do whatever they needed to do to have the child placed in foster care or an adoption agency as long as it didn't cost them any money or too much time.

"She has no one," Mac said softly when he had re-joined her in the living room.

"She has us … we will look after her."

Mac looked up at him, her eyes were wet with tears.

"Yes … we will do everything we can."

"Do you think we have a chance?" she asked.

He smiled. "I am getting pretty good at talking to family court judges … I think we have a chance," he touched the child's cheek. "I am sure we can at least get a judge to grant us custody until every other option is exhausted. We still need to find Soraya."

Mac looked back at the baby. "I am going to take a leave of absence … six months … a year," she announced. She looked back at him. "Is that OK with you?"

He grinned. "Yes," he kissed her.

"Merry Christmas, Harm," she whispered.

"Yeah … what a Christmas," he wrapped his arm around them. "What are you doing on New Year's Eve?"

**December 24, 2006 --- ONE YEAR LATER**

**MacKenzie/Rabb Residence**

**San Diego, California**

Mac was directing Harm to put the angel on the top of the tree. "She is still crooked."

He adjusted it. "Better?"

"Perfect." Mac beamed up at him from her position on the couch. A little girl played with a stuffed rabbit next to her. She had long dark tresses and laughing eyes. She was a happy little child.

Harm climbed down from the ladder. "Shouldn't Hop Li's have been here an hour ago?"

"You just called," she grunted as she tried to get up to hang another ornament.

Harm helped her. "Carrying quite a load there, huh?"

Mac arched her back revealing her swollen belly. She was very pregnant. "Doc said I could go at any time," she smiled. It had been a very easy pregnancy in spite of doctor's warnings. They had started trying (trying in earnest) to get pregnant just after they had Noelle placed with them. It would take several more months for the adoption to go through, but when Soraya was eventually found – ALIVE – and was given passage back to Iraq and placed someplace safe. She gave custody of her child to Mac and Harm and once the papers were signed things started happening quickly including Mac getting pregnant. Mac had indeed taken time off and now she was taking more. She liked being a stay at home mom and was really looking forward to the birth of their son.

The doorbell rang. "Hop Li?" he looked at her.

"I'm starving," Mattie called from her position next to the fire. She had been working hard in physical therapy and was allowed an occasional outing away from the rehab center. She would be going back later that night. There was hope that she might actually be able to move away one day soon and live with a caretaker. Harm and Mac of course would have her move in with them. There was talk – of course – about needing a bigger house for their expanding family.

It wasn't Hop Li's. It was Jennifer with presents for all. Jennifer had remained a close friend of Mattie's as well as Harm, Mac and now Noelle.

Harm looked at his family. He couldn't have asked for anything more in life. His wife was healthy, his daughter was beautiful and happy. His son was going to make an appearance any day. Mattie was good and he had good friends. It was a good life.

"Harm … Harm!" Mac sounded a little distressed.

"We need to go."

"Go?"

"Yes … GO," she motioned toward the packed suitcase by the door.

"Oh … GO," he looked at Jennifer.

"Go … Mattie and I will watch Noelle."

He got her into the car and they were off. "Looks like we are going to have another busy Christmas," she said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah," he beamed. "What are you doing New Year's?"

"Harm?" she grabbed his hand tightly.

"Breathe," he instructed her biting back the pain in his hand. Mac had a strong grip. "Just breathe."


	25. Christmas: Bah Humbug

**Title: Bah Humbug: The Extended Edition (aka Born To Be Wild) **

**Chapter One**

**Written By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2006 / Winter 2007**

**Spoilers: Year and a Half Post Series Finale **

**Coin Toss: Mac / San Diego**

**Christmas Eve**

**Extended Stay America Hotel**

**San Diego, CA**

Harm let himself into the room that had become his home over the last four weeks. He had just returned from his second 6-mile run for the day. The place was neat as a pin. Everything squared away and cleaned as a whistle right down to his seabag packed and waiting by the door. He looked better – healthier - than he had his last few years at JAG. He was significantly thinner, his hair was longer, and his beard was two days old, but he looked alive. He had quit his thankless dead-end job just after he moved out of the house and was only waiting around in San Diego until the papers were signed and then he was gone. It should have been done days ago – but something happened to hold them up but they were being messengered over later that night. He would have laughed if it were funny – he was getting a divorce for Christmas.

It was funny in a sad and pathetic sort of way. Harm never felt married and he was sure Mac hadn't either – it was only a piece of paper that said they were and soon there would be another that said they weren't. The problem was that they never fully committed; they never worked through the nine years of misunderstandings and neither was about to take their share of the blame – but faultfinding, finger pointing and I-told-you-sos were still on high. All in all, it was a stupid idea – the coin toss that is. Harm knew it the moment it came down tails – or was it heads – it didn't matter … he lost and what he gained was not enough compensation.

It all came to a final head on Thanksgiving when she accused him of sleeping with some woman in his office – the one that was dripping all over him at a partner's retirement party. Not that Mac had gone to the party (too busy, too important), but she had seen pictures. They looked pretty cozy and Harm looked drunk enough to follow through. Mac's accusal wasn't out of jealousy it was a question – like she was asking a client for information so she wouldn't get blindsided in court. Harm didn't even try to defend himself or deny the allegations; he just packed his bag and left – left her hosting, cooking and cleaning Thanksgiving dinner for her friends all by herself.

He could have slept with that woman; he actually did kiss her in the coat closet and very seriously considered taking her home. Mac wouldn't have cared. But he didn't. And it wasn't because of his love for Mac (that had been in question for a long time) nor was it about honoring his wedding vows. He just simply didn't want to. The funny (strange) part for Harm was that he was home and in bed the night in question long before Mac was – time enough to sober up – a bit. When she came home she woke him up. She had just won a very big case – ground breaking - a real career making case. She was over the top excited and … shall we say … a little randy. They hadn't had sex in months but they did that night and it more than made up for the lack of quantity. There were declarations of love and an intimacy that they have never really known in their married life before. Like her case, it was ground breaking (read: reconciliation making – or should have been.

Things were different for about 24-36 hours, but when the workweek began it was easier to slip back into the rut that had been their life. After two weeks she was accusing him of sleeping with a little ball of fluff from his office. It could have been because of that night and the 'reconciliation' albeit brief. To think that he could had sex with someone else and then come home and made love with Mac was too sleazy to tolerate and completely changed her perception of that night. It could have been actually jealousy. It could have been because she was embarrassed that they needed a 'reconciliation' of any kind. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the girl, their bad marriage or extramarital affairs, maybe she was angry that they could just go back to normal after that profound an experience.

Her accusal and the lack of affect behind it was all Harm could take. It was clear to him that there was nothing left and there was no reason to stay. He tried to blame Mac but he had to admit that neither one of them had tried so there was never any hope of them making it. When talking to friends and family, he was very philosophical stating that they were "never meant to be", and of course "they would always be friends". The biggest lie was how amicable the whole thing was. It was everything but amicable, the only thing they could agree on was that they both wanted out and one lawyer would facilitate that faster than two. The getting out was done easily enough because they never really became one, so separating their lives – legally – was pretty straightforward. There were no marital assets to divide: checking accounts were separate, no children, no talk of children – hell they never even bought a plant together. For all intents and purposes, they had been roommates for a year and a half. Given all that, they still could not have a meeting without having a fight.

The whole thing was taking too long, and he was ready (read: chomping at the bit) to get away from everyone and anything that reminded him of the Navy career he flushed down the toilet and the woman that he thought he could not live without. His plan was to put anything that he didn't want to sell into storage (read: a corner of Mom's garage) and take off on the bike – let the wind in his hair and see where he landed – if he landed at all. The job he had gotten in San Diego for all its thanklessness and deadendedness actually paid very well – VERY well. Since he was used to living on a government salary, and he was living with Mac in base housing for 18 months (there was talk of finding a romantic little bungalow by the water in the beginning, but those plans never came to fruition either) and he had no OTHER reason to spend any money, he saved it. His bank account was twice what it was when he liquidated it to go to Paraguay. Somehow that seemed appropriate – he doubled his money for his efforts. So he was good to go. All he was waiting for were the papers. They could have been sent to him wherever he was, but he wanted to make a clean break and not look back.

There was probably time for a shower.

**MacKenzie Residence**

**Formerly the MacKenzie/Rabb Residence**

Camp Pendleton, San Diego

Mac was reading the papers she had just signed. She had put her name on them so quickly she hadn't read them, but since she had to wait for the messenger she decided to see what they said. It was all pretty cut and dried. No surprises, no big deal. She tried to work up some feeling for how the whole thing was going down, but the day he said it was over and walked out – she was relieved. But nothing was ever done until the paper work was filed.

She did feel sad that after eleven years of knowing someone, having him in her life in every conceivable way and ostensibly loving him all she felt was relief when it was over as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. From the moment that coin landed, she felt responsible for Harm giving up his career and that put a pressure on her that she had never known before. She knew that he hated his new job, but instead of listening to him she talked over him. She looped him in on hers but that only served to frustrate him more, which made her talk louder and work harder. He chided her for the 60-80 hours of work she put in a week. He berated her for never taking time for them and he was snide and rude about Vukovik. The worst was his constant caustic comments about her command decisions. She stopped talking to him about work after the sixth month and without work to discuss, they had little else to say to each other.

Harm wasn't 100 percent to blame. In fact she took most of it on herself. She never made it easy for him. Sure she was responsible for him giving up his career – as he would have been about hers if the coin had come down on the other side – but she could have been more understanding. She could have made more time for them. She didn't dare discuss having a baby or adoption. How could she possible resign her commission to raise a family after forcing him to resign his? But she could have made and effort to be as good a wife as she was a marine. But she wasn't a good wife but more than that she wasn't a good friend and with the divorce papers signed, there was no going back.

She looked down at the pen in her hand. It hadn't been all-bad. There were times when he tried to be sweet. The pen was a good example. She had come home after a long hard week and was tearing a new butt-hole in the world because she couldn't find a pen. Of course her tirade had nothing to do with a pen, but that was the straw that had broken the camel's back. He had gently suggested that she go for a run and take a shower to chill out – which of course she took as him pacifying her in that holier-than-thou way he had, but when she came back from her run he was no where around. "Typical," she thought. When she emerged from the shower, the house was full of pens of every conceivable kind. They were strewn on the floor, there were bouquets of them in vases, he had them stuffed into every cup and every EVERYTHING that could hold a pen. She was finding them for weeks after. She finally found him in bed waiting for her with a pen in his mouth – actually it wasn't just a pen – it was a really nice a cross pen, it was the pen she signed the divorce papers with. She smiled at the memory and she remembered that they had made some fantastic love that night and laughed quite a bit about … pens.

The knock on the door brought her back to the task at hand. She resealed the envelope and gave it to the messenger. In less than an hour he would have gotten the papers and signed them, sent them back to their attorney and would probably be on his way out of town not to be seen again for quite some time – if ever. She didn't believe she would never hear from him again, but she knew it could be months, years or even longer. Her head said that she was more alone that Christmas than she had ever been in her life, but there was something inside of her that let it know it was going to be alright.

**Christmas Day**

**Chevron Station**

North of San Diego

Mac was filling her tank when Harm roared in on his bike. She had expected that he would drive by when he saw her, but he didn't. He took the pump that was on the other side of the island one down from her.

"So," she called to him, when it was clear he was not about to say anything to her. "You are really going."

"I am," he said simply.

"North, south, east or west?" she asked.

He didn't look at her. "Can't go too much farther west from here … at least not on the bike."

She didn't want to acknowledge his little semantic correction. "And leaving no forwarding address … in case anyone needs to get a hold of you."

"I'll check in with my mother from time to time," he added, "Can't think of anyone else who would be looking for me."

She actually felt very badly for him that he felt that no one, not a friend or an enemy (like her) would be looking for him. "No cell or e-mail?" she pressed.

"The yahoo account is still active … guess if someone needs to say something to me they could use that one," he shrugged. "I suppose there are places that a person could check his email around."

"There are," she confirmed. "The Hammer69 account?"

"Right," he added. "Though I can't imagine that anyone would have anything to say that I would want to read," he needed her to know that she should NOT write just to 'clear the air'.

Mac felt his bitterness and anger across the divide. She was so ready for him to go and yet it dug a hole in her heart. She spoke the words that were in her head without checking to see if they actually needed to be heard. "I am not sure when we stopped being friends, but I will never understand how we became enemies," she opened her door. "Have a nice life, Harm."

He watched her drive away with a heavy heart. "Yeah … Merry Christmas, Mac," he said sadly.

**December 29****th**

**San Diego**

Mac had been feeling sick all week. She thought it was a cold and had even taken the day off from work, but she knew what the real issue was: she was miserable. She was twice divorced. It wouldn't be final for months, but for all intents and purposes she was twice divorced. How could she have let her marriage deteriorate the way it had. Harm was complicit there was no doubt about that, but she had to own her share – more than. She hadn't really gotten to the part of missing him, but she felt empty (of course that could have just been from all the throwing up she had been doing). She hadn't gotten to the part where she only remembered the good times – the few that there were in her married life – but she knew that it wasn't all bad. She must have composed about 17 emails with long drawn out reasons they should attempt reconciliation. She tried ever tactic a good lawyer would – but she never mailed any of them. Her heart wasn't in any of them though she cried as she wrote them.

She finally asked herself why she was crying. Was it really the ego hit or was it loneliness or was it him? Did she finally decide that Harm was worth hanging on to? She started thinking about him, really thinking about him – with all his faults and flaws. He was still the best man she had ever known. She went back to that one incredible night in November. She was at the top of her game that day in court and winning was just the icing. She could think of no one she wanted to share that win with beside Harm. When she got home and he was already in bed, it did not cross her mind that she should not wake him. It did not cross her mind that they had been growing apart for some time and that he might refuse her. His response to her was more than she could have hoped for. The night was amazing as was the morning, the rest of Saturday and well into Sunday. As if they had never had anything remotely blocking them. How did they lose that after finding it again?

CARELESS

Thoughtless and careless … and it was Mac's fault but Harm did nothing to stop it. If only they would have talked, communicated … tried.

Another wave of nausea came over Mac.

After a quick trip to the drug store, 10 minutes in the bathroom and 5 minutes to reflect – she sat down at the computer, wrote a very short emailed and hit the send key before she changed her mind.

Now there were things to do.

**New Year's Eve Day**

**East of San Diego**

Harm stopped his bike and pulled the email he had received that morning out of his pocket. It was actually sent two days before, but he only got it that morning.

_**Harm –**_

_**We're pregnant. I resigned my commission. **_

_**We need to talk – really talk.**_

_**Where are you? I will come to you.**_

- Mac

There were so many things she could have said in that email that would have prevented him from returning. And there were only two things she needed to say: 1) talk and 2) really talk.

He didn't respond to the email, but he headed back to her. He hadn't really gotten that far away from San Diego in a week. Something was preventing him from hitting the highway hard. His desire to put as many miles between them as he could just faded away when he got outside the city limits. He had spent the week in Palm Springs clearing his head – or trying to, and checking his email.

He pulled his wedding ring out of his pocket. He thought about putting it back on, and thought better of it. That was too easy – and easy had gotten them nowhere. He stuffed it back in his pocket, revved the bike up and went to get her.

He drove up to her door around sunset. She was waiting for him (though she didn't know exactly when or if he would arrive). She met him on the street.

"How long?" was his first question. In other words how long had she known.

"The day before yesterday," she told him honestly. The day she sent the email.

"How far along?" he had to ask. It wasn't like they had been sharing a marriage bed in the past several months so he had to ask it if truly was his.

"Seven weeks," she told him from her knowledge of the last time (she) they had sex and when the doctor told her she was pregnant.

Not too many people know the date, time and details of conception. It was when she was remembering that incredible night that she had realized her mistake. Harm couldn't possibly have slept with that box of hair that night or any other night – not the way he responded to her when she enticed him awake and seduced him. Clearly she was the aggressor that night, but his response was as real as it got. He loved her and only her. How wrong could she have been? She had known him for over a decade. His actions always spoke louder than his words. They may have been in a really terrible place, a place that clearly ended their marriage but she was the one to do the final screw up. She was the one that put the nail in the coffin, and she needed to make amends – if he would allow it.

"It was November 10th," she told him. "The night when …"

"I remember," he cut her off. "You took terminal leave?" he asked.

"A replacement starts tomorrow," she lied. It would take them longer than that to deploy a new CO, but she had told them she needed immediate leave so they made due.

He put his hand out to her to help her on to the bike. He was just planning on taking her for a ride to get some coffee or pie where they could talk. Neutral ground.

"One second," she told him.

She ran back into the house, grabbed her leather coat, a small bag and a helmet. She took a quick look around – there was nothing else she wanted, anything that was personal and had value she had already stored. She locked the door behind her. She climbed onto the back of the bike and struggled to get her gloves on over her wedding rings.

"Drive," she told him clearly. "Let's get as far away from here as we can."

"Is this going to be OK?" he asked, thinking about the baby and the motorcycle.

"Fine," she leaned her head on his back and hugged him close. "Go."

He dropped the bike into gear and they were headed east, away from the sunset that they always refused to walk into.

_**= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The Extended Version …**_

**New Year's Day**

**CA SR 74**

**Outside Idyllwild, CA**

Harm headed east and up into the mountains above the California Desert. The roar of the bike and the wind in their ears for more than two hours forced each of them into their own heads. For Harm it was about the past – the recent past and the very distant past; for Mac it was about the future – their immediate future; the next 24-48 hours to be precise. Their future depended upon what happened in those next hours. The sun had long since set and it was getting very cold on the back of the bike. Mac wasn't uncomfortable in fact it was nice to feel something other than emptiness, disappointment and the pervasive sense of failure that she had lived with for most of the past 15-20 years culminating with her divorce. The pregnancy and the eventual child hadn't quite sunk into her reality – all she knew for sure was that there was a major mess to clean up and it wouldn't be – could not be - swept under the rug. So she focused on Harm - her husband – on paper or not, he was her life partner. She held on tightly and let him be in charge for a change.

Harm didn't notice the cold, the wind or the roar of the bike. He was deep in his thoughts. For the past week he had been riding and trying to clear his head, but nothing cleared. He kept coming back to the same events over and over and over. He was stuck – unable to move passed, unable to break free, unable to shake loose of what he thought he needed to. Since the moment she climbed onto the bike and wrapped her arms around him – thoughts came, were processed and let go. Or so he thought. He wanted to let them go more than he believed he could – but there was one thing he could not get passed. One thing that plagued him; kept him awake at nights and solidified his righteous departure from their marriage: there wasn't enough love between them. Not enough to get them passed their egos, not enough to get them to trust and not enough to help them mature. He told himself he didn't come back for the baby – but honestly if she had requested one more chance – he would not have granted it without the driving force of a child. On the other hand, he hadn't actually left the state and he hadn't gotten more than a few hours drive from San Diego … what was keeping him there other than Mac?

He pulled into a small motel. It was actually a group of cabins that were normally rented in the summer. He would have gotten two cabins but there was only one available, but it had two beds. Harm actually would have preferred some space, but quickly reminded himself that he had never felt more alone than when he was married to Mac and sharing the same bed – so physical space was not the issue.

"They only have one cabin that is winterized," he told her. "Apparently the heat doesn't work, but there is a fireplace and a coffee pot and the café down that street delivers."

She nodded her understanding. "Is there a shower?"

"Full bath … even a tub," he told her. "She says that the water takes a while to warm up, but when it does it's really hot," he handed her the key to cabin number 7. It was in the far corner of the grounds tucked away from everything. "The grocery closes in 20 minutes. Need anything?"

"I'll go with you," she had a panicked feeling that he was going to drive away and leave her there.

"Was hoping you would get the fire started and that hot water heater," he told her. "I'll be back in a few." Without another word, he roared off on the bike leaving her holding both helmets, her bag and the key to then next 18 – 24 hours of their life; what could be the most important hours of their future.

The cabin was actually larger than it looked. It was one large room with two double beds on one side, a fireplace, small kitchenette (a microwave and refrigerator) and a couch and chair on the other. The bathroom was tiny, but there was indeed a deep tub and a window that looked out into the forest.

Mac did as she was instructed and started the fire. Inside was warmer than the outside but not by much. Mac found several extra blankets and a quilt in the closet and set them out on the couch. The hot water heater was a bit of a trick but she continued to work on it.

Harm was taking a long time to come back. She began to worry. She began to wonder if riding away with him was such a good idea. She had to remind herself that he would never just leave her, not like that. She got the water heater working, wrapped herself in two blankets and sat as close to the fire as she could.

Her mind wandered over the years they spent together. Nothing seemed as important as that moment. 'We have to work this out – once and for all.' She convinced herself, but was less than convinced. 'Or we should just go our separate ways now – baby or not.'

He came in about 25 minutes later. Had two bags of groceries and two hot dinners from the diner.

"Eat," he pushed one at her. "You need to keep up your strength.

She did as she was told, and made a conscious choice to let him start the discussion.

He was done with his meal quickly - he ate two bites and pushed the tin away, but waited for her to be nearly done. "You said we needed to talk," he said calmly. "Are you up for it tonight?"

She pushed her container away too. "Whether I am or not – I think it's important that we begin to talk as soon as possible." He cocked his head as if to ask why. "My fear ..," she said quickly. "Is that because of the baby, we will talk around subjects, make easy apologies and not say what we need to say. That we will reconcile to raise our child but the foundation of our relationship will be built on sand – sand that could slip out from under us at any time." He did not say anything. "My fear is that that I will live my life in fear of that happening which will make me do and say things that I don't mean causing the sand to slip that much faster," she took a deep breath. "And my biggest fear is that it will hurt our child – it's not just the two of us who will suffer any more." He nodded. "And quite frankly … I am tired of suffering myself." He was taken aback by that comment. When had she ever been suffering? "Harm – I would rather not reconcile if that is how we have to do it," she stated firmly. "If the only thing keeping us connected is the baby – then the baby should be the only thing connecting us."

"I understand," he stated.

"Do you?" she asked. "Do you know that I would rather be alone than to continue to live as we have been living – and you know how much I HATE being alone."

"I assumed that was why you agreed to the divorce," he stated coldly.

"Yes," she admitted. "But I never would have asked for it and I never would have pursued it."

"Why not?" he shrugged. "What did we have that was worth saving? Or did you just not want to be alone?"

"No," she said emphatically. "Twelve years."

"History?" he almost laughed. "You wouldn't have divorced me because we have known each other for more than a decade? A decade filled with more drama and wrong steps than most soap operas," he did not laugh. "You might as well as said habit," he shook his head. "Some habits need to be broken."

She looked down. He was absolutely right. Their history held gave no evidence toward a better future – or any future at all. "True," she shook her head and spoke softly not looking at him. "I wouldn't have divorced you because you are the only man I have ever truly loved," she looked up at him. "And I don't want to believe that we have ruined everything."

Her words struck a note. Did she really believe that there was love? Did she really love him? He studied her for a moment before looking away.

Mac didn't feel that the conversation was going well, and she chided herself for speaking first. She had wanted to let him start. So she waited.

Harm was silent for long minutes. He was used to the silence after the last month and particularly that last week. She shifted her position to get closer to the fire and he looked up at her. There was no doubt in his mind that he was still attracted to her, after all the wretchedness that had gone between them, he still wanted her physically. It was interesting to him that it took them forever to get into bed, and that was the only place where he could truly be himself – truly let go and express his feelings and accept hers. He meant everything he said to her in bed be it in words or caresses, and he believed everything she told him.

"My fear," he said softly. "Is that we will talk – and we will say the hard things that need to be said and we will find out that there was never enough to begin with." Mac was chilled to her bones and her eyes wet with tears. He looked directly into her eyes. "And I honestly don't know if that is a reality that I can live with."

"Please don't," she cried. "Please don't say that to be mean."

He slid closer to her and took her hand. "I'm not," he explained. "I am being honest – it hurts me to believe that we came to such an awful end … that we never should have let it go as far as it did … that we were not mature enough to deal with the issues between us appropriately … and because of one night someone else will have to pay for our mistakes."

"Then don't believe that," she demanded. "That night was not in a vacuum, Harm."

He scoffed. "It sure felt that way."

She turned to face him and pressed his hand. "We could not have made love that night - that weekend - the way we did in a vacuum," she stated clearly. "You can deny it if you want to … but we poured our hearts into that … and we created life," she wiped at her tears with her free hand. "Against all the odds both physically and every other way … we created life," she let go of his hand. "And there is nothing that either of us could say that would ever make me believe that that is a mistake."

"I don't believe that you love me." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

She nodded. She had always known that she had never said it enough to him and that her actions were not enough to make him believe. "I know," she looked down. "And that is my fault," she leaned back on the couch and thought for a moment. "That is my fault," she repeated. "If I could go back and change the hundred or so times that I should have done it differently I would … but …"

"Name two," he said evenly.

"Two?" she was surprised by his request.

"Yeah … give me two times when you wished you would have done or said something differently."

There was no denying it was a test; a test that Mac couldn't fail. "Only Two?" she thought to herself that she couldn't pick the obvious ones, the ones where they got so close they could taste it and let it slip away. "Chief Petty Officer Fred Holtz," she stated.

"Excuse me?" Harm had no idea what she was referring to.

"The wife abuser who had killed her boyfriend … I was defending, you were prosecuting … you accused me of not being professional because I was letting my father issues get in the way … we had barely known each other a year … it was a long time ago … you probably don't remember."

"I remember," he said though it was hard for him to dig that far back.

"When you came to my room that night I wanted to tear you apart … I was so angry. Angry at men … all men … but that night I discovered that all men are not the same … I truly believed that you were not like all the other men in the world … that you were not a scum sucking misogynistic wife beater who treats women like possessions to be collected and discarded. Oh yeah … you had your ego, and your all-women-love-me attitude, but I saw a side of you that actually changed my thinking about men in general and you in particular."

"So what would you have done differently?" he asked. "What would you have said?"

"I would have … well … it would have been a number of things … but first and foremost I would have thanked you for caring … I remember saying something to you about carrying the past around with you daily and that I was dealing with it better … but I would have done more … I would have trusted your friendship and given you mine more completely… I would have allowed myself the opportunity to get to know you better under easier times," she looked up at him and smiled. "I would have asked you for a date."

"Seriously?" he asked.

"It is easy to say here and now, and I was so different back then … so guarded and defensive … but --- as they say, if I knew then what I know now … yeah, I would have asked you for a date," she smiled. "Would you have accepted?"

He laughed. "Damn straight I would have accepted … but nothing says that it would have been better for us … I was pretty guarded myself … didn't want to be tied down … would probably have never really gotten to know you well enough to really appreciate all your ins and outs."

She nodded. "And the other?" she forged on, so they wouldn't forget. "When you found the book on the Hornet – the evidence about your father - I should have suggested that we follow that clue to the end," she sighed. "I didn't like how obsessed you were so I minimized it, but I should have seen that it was that drive and passion to find the truth that made me fall in love with you. I never should have let it be your mission alone. I should have forced my way in, and been part of that."

"Why?" he was confused.

"Harm, I was jealous of your obsessions … your obsession with flying, your father, the truth and justice. I didn't understand a man who would not be obsessed with me," she stated. "I don't mean that arrogantly, but in my experience men chased me, they chased me even after I had said NO. I didn't understand you. I wanted you and assumed that you wanted me, but you didn't pursue me. I didn't know."

"Didn't know what?"

"That as long as your obsessions weren't about another woman … I could have made a place in your life and been just as important." He nodded. "And you would never have placed me second," she stated as if she knew.

He nodded again. "I wouldn't have."

"I know," she stated. "I know that now … but I didn't then," she took his hand again. "Do you need more proof?"

"Proof?"

"Proof that if I had it to do over again … I would make a hundred or more different choices … that I have loved you for over a decade and that the only thing that has kept me from making your see how much you mean to me is my own screwed up thinking."

"No," he said.

"Harm … one more chance … give us one more chance … away from the Navy … away from everything that we knew … clean slate, fresh start … I will go anywhere with you … I will do anything you need me to. I am saying this for me … not for our baby," she sat up straight. "Harm – I love you … I need you in my life and I want to make you happy … I will put you and us first."

"What about your house of sand?" he asked her.

"I will trust that we won't let each other slip … if we just keep talking … if we just keep communicating."

"You know that there were two in that marriage … there were two who let if fail," he told her.

"If you are expecting me to ask for apologies, explanations, atonement or promises tonight … I won't."

"Why not?"

"Because one night changed our lives … and that is the miracle that I am hanging my hopes on," she leaned into him. "I love you Harm … just be with me and talk to me for as long as it takes … we will be ok."

He couldn't help himself. He believed her – whether it was because he truly did or if he just wanted to … he believed. He kissed her and that night they reconnected physically in ways that lovers and parents connect.

**A Year Later **

**Christmas Eve**

Offices of Rabb and MacKenzie

Anywhere USA

Harm was cleaning up his desk. A pert blonde woman skipped in. "Ready?"

He looked up at her. "As I will ever be," he turned off the light.

"You look great," she smacked her lips and adjusted his tie. "The perfect picture of a man in love."

"I am very lucky," he said readjusting his tie. "My bride?"

"She will be ready in a minute."

"The baby?"

"Dressed and ready to go."

"Thank you Clarissa … enjoy your holidays," he told her and walked out.

Sarah MacKenzie was standing in the lobby in a dark green suit holding their four month old daughter. She was the picture of motherhood.

"You ready?" he asked.

"More than," she leaned up and kissed him. "I love you … I love you for doing this on Christmas Eve and I love that it is just us."

"We don't need anyone else," he kissed her deeply which made the baby fuss.

"Oh?" she asked.

"Well … we need this one," he adjusted the blankets around the baby's face. "Three is perfect."

"I was going to wait until later to tell you this," she started.

"What?"

"What do you think about four?" she laughed.

"You are not saying …" He couldn't believe it.

"What can I say … we are good … we are great … we apparently are fertile?"

"Then I better marry you quickly."

"Hey," she stopped him. "Don't marry me for our child."

"Sarah … I don't need to marry you at all … you are in my heart and soul and nothing that the state of WHEREVER is going to make that any more legal than what is inside of me."

"Good," she kissed him again.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."

"I love you, Harm."


	26. Christmas: Gifts From The Heart

**Title: Gifts From The Heart**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2003**

**Spoilers: Through Mid-Season Nine Sans Mattie**

**December 24**

**0600 EST – Rabb Residence**

Harm bounded out of the shower. He felt great, greater, than great. He felt fantastic. The spirit of Christmas was full upon him. He was whistling some carol that he could not get out of his head. He had a ton of things to do that day before the dinner at the Roberts: presents he had to pick up, and errands to run. He had made his decision about what he was getting Mac for Christmas. He was going to do get her something that caught his eye just as she had all those years ago. It was a lot of money and it was a huge chance, but he was going to do it. He was not going to buy her an engagement ring. But it was very special and it wasn't the kind of thing just-a-friend would get for just-a-friend.

"Friend" – what a strange description of their relationship. After so many years they should be more than friends and after the past year they had (Singer's pregnancy and murder, Paraguay, Webb and Mac's PTSD, the CIA hiring and firing and the not so triumphant return to JAG) they should have been at the very least enemies. But they weren't. At best they were estranged – but Harm had a plan to rectify that.

Something had switched off or on in him. The year had been the worst year of his life – well at least of his adult life. Even the year he had the ramp strike and had to quit flying did not have the same impact on him as the past year had – maybe his age was factoring in. But that morning, that Christmas Eve morning, he refused to dwell any more on opportunities that had passed him by, injustices that he felt were thrust upon him or any other atrocity that he did nothing to prevent. He had made a decision to move past all of that and take back control and above all be positive.

What had caused this change? Mac. Rather Mac's integrity, sincerity and selfless concern for him. She threw him for a loop a couple of weeks past. He had been mean and snide to her since his return to JAG. Still acting the spurned lover. He was unkind and dangerously unprofessional to her in court, caustic and spiteful in front of their co-workers and in private (on the rare occasion when they were alone) he was aloof and remarkably unapologetic – in spite of the actual words he said. It had been a couple of weeks since he had asked her for a favor. It was a big favor and one that deserved a lot more explanation than he was willing to give. She balked – a little – and he got mad. He spit the lowest, nastiest, meanest thing he could think of to say to her and stormed out. What did Mac do? She put aside her wounded pride, her hurt feelings and probable anger and came through for him ten times over. It was very humbling. She accepted his apology (this time it was sincere) but he couldn't help feel that he had done some real damage to their friendship – damage that would take a concerted effort to repair.

Ever since that day – the day she showed her true colors and the unselfish feelings she had for him, he had been making it up to her in small ways, in ways that she would let him. He was not just nice to her; he was genuine, real and open with his comments. She responded very well – in spite of his expectations. In fact, the night before was an impromptu dinner with some of the people from work. Mac had gone with him, she had sat next to him and she even allowed him to pay for her meal. He felt a thaw.

That morning – that Christmas Eve Morning - he was bound and determined to completely defrost their friendship and make it up to her in everyway he could from that day and through the years to come. He was praying that he would get years to make it up to her.

**0600 – MacKenzie Residence**

Mac burst from her apartment. It was a glorious day and she was humming a carol she could not get out of her head. It was Christmas Eve. She had a ton of things to do that day before the dinner at the Roberts: presents she had to pick up, and errands to run. And she had made her decision about what she was getting Harm for Christmas. It was expensive and it was probably too much, but she wanted him to have it.

Christmas was always a funny time of year for her. She had no fond memories of "candles in the window, carols at the spinet" or "presents under the Christmas tree." In fact the Christmases of her youth were usually linked with drinking and arguing that often would end up with her sleeping at her neighbor's house. For the last twenty years Mac had been trying to make new traditions. To embrace this time of year as if she knew what "home for the holidays" truly meant. She had failed more often than not. That day – however – that day looked like it was going to be a great day. She had a feeling.

This past year had been bad for her. The incident in Paraguay still hung around the edges of her mind and she found herself feeling uneasy for no reason at strange times during a day – pretty close to everyday. It was very off putting. Harm had been very difficult for a very long time and she was miserable that she lost his friendship and his support. But a few weeks past that changed: almost over night. She had done him a favor. He asked in a half-assed manner, she asked for more clarification and they fought pretty harshly. It could easily have been the final straw for Harm and Mac. There was no expectation that she would actually DO the requested favor and there was no telling how that would have impacted their working relationship. But after some good clear headed thinking – she chose to do what she was requested. She didn't do it to win his friendship back – or to get him to apologize. She had to ulterior motive. Quite simply - it was the right thing to do - whether or not he would appreciate the efforts she made on his behalf. But change he did. Harm was treating her differently and she honestly believed that the worst of it was over for them. The night before was that first time they felt easy with each other, easy enough to laugh genuinely.

That morning she was bound and determined to keep that easiness going and following it where it led for as long as she could.

**0716 – Martini's Cleaners**

Harm walked in and got in line behind a female marine. He had to laugh at himself. She looked like Mac from behind – and he knew Mac's behind really well. The part that was funny was that he didn't believe it was her and thought he was just seeing Mac in all women. There was a blonde at the traffic light a few blocks back driving a red Porsche and when he pulled up next to her – he thought she looked like Mac. Then there was the woman walking dog the day before who looked like Mac. 'When did Mac get a dog?' was his thought before he was forced to accept that it was not Mac. Clearly his mind was on her and he was seeing her everywhere.

She – that marine in front of him - was humming. She was humming the same song he had been whistling not two seconds before. That's what got his attention. Then he realized – his fantasy was reality.

"Merry Christmas, Sarah."

Mac turned and her face lit up at the sight of him. "Merry Christmas, Harm."

"Didn't know you took your uniforms here."

"You said it was the best."

"Yes, I did."

Mr. Martini came from the back and watched as his daughter helped the next customer in line. He looked up and saw Mac and Harm chatting. Martini flirted with Mac relentlessly when she would come in and he liked Harm a lot too. When he saw them together that morning his heart melted. They were so perfect together. Before it was their turn, he had gone and gotten their uniforms. He nodded to them to come over to the side.

He handed them each their set of hangers, and nodded to the door. "Merry Christmas," he said.

Harm and Mac were both surprised. They liked Martini, but had never known him to give anything away - ever. They smiled and returned the holiday greetings. Harm opened the door and waited for Mac to precede him out.

"Commander. Colonel." Martini called, as Mac was just about to step through the door. They each looked back. He nodded up – up to the top of the door. Harm and Mac were standing under the mistletoe. Their eyes met, they smiled and exchanged a very safe and easy kiss – no awkwardness at all. They looked back at Martini and his smile said 'oh, you two can do better than that' but he nodded to let them go.

**0801 – JAG Headquarters**

Harm walked in with a huge box of Danish and pastries. He brought it to the kitchen to leave it for all personnel. He opened the box, pulled out the one and only apple fritter. He put it on a plate with a napkin and a fork and proceeded to Mac's office. He set it up on her desk and left. Mac loved the apple fritters from this particular bakery. She would rarely allow herself to have them because they were so amazingly rich. But that day was special for Harm and he hoped it would be for her too.

Less than thirty seconds later Mac walked into his office with a cappuccino just the way he liked it.

"Morning again, Harm," she said placing the coffee on his desk.

"Morning," he smiled up at her. "What's this?"

"Little caffeine to start your day."

He took the lid off and smiled. It was EXACTLY the way he liked it. "Thank you."

"I was driving by – it was just – "

"It was very nice. I needed this this morning," he took a careful sip. "Going to be a busy day."

"Yes it is."

"I left you a little something on your desk."

"The Markson file?"

"Something like that," he grinned.

She exited and moments later she called him. Her mouth was full he could barely understand her. "Sarah – enjoy," he laughed.

"You know this is my favorite," she was giddy like a school girl – rare for Mac.

"I know. I know."

"This is so bad for me Harm. I'll gain 10 pounds."

"You'll work it off."

"Thank you."

**1031 – JAG Headquarters**

Mac entered with her client, Petty Officer Nicholas Markson. Harm was prosecuting and Mac was defending. It was a minor case of dereliction of duty and really should not be brought up for courts martial. They were there to see if they could come to an agreement.

"Punitive letter of reprimand, reduction in pay grade, 30 days in the brig." Harm stated.

"Is there really need for brig time?"

"The deal is good Colonel, you know you would make the same offer."

"But is there really need for brig time?"

Harm gave her a long look. "No."

"Then we are agreed."

"We are agreed."

Harm got up, smiled at her and told the petty officer to have a nice holiday and left.

"What just happened here?" The petty officer asked.

"You are free to go. There will be a letter in your file and you will lose a pay grade, but other than that nothing. You can go back to work."

"I don't understand."

"The commander and I came to an agreement that the Navy can live with and I dare say, so can you."

"And I don't have to go to jail?"

"Nope."

"You two exchanged like 25 words – how? I don't - "

"The commander and I have sat on both sides of this table often. We each know how to protect the client and serve the navy's interest. In this particular situation we are in full agreement. There is no need to waste anymore time. Let me just say, don't do it again because next time it won't be so easy."

"No, ma'am. I mean yes, ma'am. I learned my lesson. So I can go home?"

"Go get your kids a nice Christmas present."

**1245 – Le Petit Jardin**

Mac had just come from the bike shop down the street. Little AJ was getting a bike for Christmas, his first two-wheeler. Mac had talked to Bud about it and she thought she would get him all the extra stuff to go alone with it: the water bottle, the saddle bags, the fanny pack, the light, yadda yadda yadda. She actually had a lot of fun picking the stuff out. She needed to go home and wrap them all so AJ could have them on Christmas morning. She had one more stop to make to get Harm's present, but that would have to wait. She had an appointment at the office in thirty minutes. She needed to pick up some lunch and head back. As she was standing in line, she thought she would offer to bring Harm something too. When she left he was dealing with some administrative problem with the admiral. It was not looking like he would get out to lunch that day.

She pulled out her phone and was about to dial when it rang.

"Hey, I was just about to call you?"

"Were you?" Harm said.

"I was. But you got through first, what's up?"

"No, no, you go ahead. Beauty before age," he laughed. "Where are you?" The noise in the background was deafening.

"Le Petit Jardin, I wanted to know if you wanted me to bring you and the admiral something back for lunch," she then realized that the noise on his end was hard to hear over. "Where are you?"

"Standing right behind you."

Mac turned and was face to face with Harm. The cell phone forgotten.

"Hi. What are you doing here?"

"Picking up lunch. I called you to see if you wanted me to bring something back."

She smiled at yet another coincidence. "What do they say about great minds?"

"Yes, ma'am." They moved up in line. "Do you have to go back to the office? Should we just eat here?"

"What about the admiral?"

"I was given a stay until after the Christmas holiday. He had to go get Meredith's present."

"Lucky you."

"So, lunch?" he asked again.

"I can't stay," she owned with sincere disappointment in her voice. "I have a meeting back at JAG in less than 30 minutes."

He checked his watch. "If you don't leave now you will never make it in this traffic."

"I know."

"So go, I'll bring it back for you."

"You don't mind?"

He smiled to say that no, he didn't mind. "No. I don't. I do have to make a quick stop at Tom's Cycle Shop."

"AJ?"

"Yeah." Now he looked a little suspicious. "Why? Is that were you just came from?"

"Yep. Accessories," she said to explain what she got.

"Helmet and gloves."

"This is getting a little freaky," she commented about the number of coincidences they experienced that day.

"In a good way," he added. "Go. I'll be there when you are done with your meeting, or I'll leave it in the fridge."

Mac smiled and started to walk out. She turned back to tell him what she wanted and thought to herself – there is no need at least not that day.

**1615 – Virginia Antique Mall**

Harm walked in and knew exactly where he was going. In the booth in the back there was a stunning antique necklace, bracelet and earring . . . ensemble (for lack of a better word). It was set in yellow gold and platinum with emeralds. All Harm really knew was that when he saw it he thought of Mac – well Sarah. It was too beautiful a piece of art to be worn by a marine, but for a lady, Lady Sarah, it was near perfect. The dealer told him all about it: a one of a kind piece, famous designer, belonged to so-and-so, blah, blah, blah. Harm didn't care. All he cared about was that the emeralds would bring out the green in her eyes and the platinum and gold would shimmer against her milk white skin. When he heard the price he almost choked, but that morning he decided that she needed to have it. And if his luck held, she would allow him to take her out to show it off. And if he continued to play his cards right (be honest, genuine, sincere and real with her) one dinner would lead to another and another for a long time to come.

Again the dealer was trying to sell him on it; told him that a beautiful woman was in looking at it that weekend. Harm didn't need time to think or to be sold any more on it – he was trying to compose the card in his head. He shook it off and would deal with that later.

"Is that the best price you can give me?" he said knowing full well that he would pay whatever they asked. But the question alone netted him a 20% discount. "Thank you. Please wrap it up," he said as he handed over his credit card.

"Your wife will love this," he said.

"I'm not married."

The dealer smiled at him. "Maybe not now, but you will be next year this time."

Harm got a little nervous. Was this really too much to give to Mac? Was it too much to give the woman he loved even if he was not allowed to give her that? It didn't matter. Whatever happened in the future – that would have to take care of it self. He wanted her to have it – dinner & future or no.

As he was walking out of the store he noticed that the bomber jacket was gone. He had seen in out of the corner of his eye when he was shopping there that weekend. He would have looked at it more closely, but was distracted by the necklace. Now it was gone. He was not meant to have it. Oh well.

**1725 – MacKenzie Residence**

Mac was wrapping Harm's gift. It took her a while to find the right box. It was a bomber jacket – a leather flight jacket. She found it at a little antique shop in Virginia. It was perfect; perfect for Harm. It was the right size (amazing when you consider that most pilots are a lot smaller than Harm) and it was in perfect weather worn condition. When she had the dealer pull it down off the wall and saw the Tyco Tigers emblem on it, she took it as a sign. They were asking an arm and a leg for the jacket, but she talked them down to a reasonable (albeit exorbitant) amount.

Now all she had to do was figure out when she could give it too him and hopefully not scare him off. This was a highly personal and very expensive gift. Were they really to this point in their relationship? Or had they gone past it and were back to exchanging pictures and frames and perfume. She didn't know for sure but that day held a lot of hope for a change. In the nine years she had known him they were never more in sync.

**1800 – MacKenzie Residence**

Harm's present was wrapped and under the tree. She did not want to give it to him at the party. She would find another time. She was dressed and just about to go when a knock came on her door. She opened it to reveal Harm.

"Took a chance," he smiled at her.

"A chance?"

"Thought you would like to drive to the Robert's together."

"Sure, that would be nice," she started to grab her coat.

"There is something else," he said tentatively.

"Oh?"

"I wanted to give you your Christmas present and really didn't want to do it with an audience."

"Oh?" she looked interested. "I have something for you too, thought I would give it to you in private as well."

"Should we wait for Christmas?" he smiled.

"I don't have too many traditions when it comes to presents," she grinned.

"Except that you like them."

"Of course there is that." All of a sudden Mac was worried. Some how she felt that if they exchanged presents then it would ruin the mood or break the spell that they had been under all day. She wanted to preserve it. "Why don't we wait until after."

"After?"

"Tonight, when you drop me off."

"It should be after midnight then, it will be Christmas morning."

"Oh." Mac looked nervous. "Will that be too late? I mean, I know you go visit the wall --."

"Yes, I do. I usually do. But --."

"No, no, don't change your traditions," she was going to add that she didn't want him to change for her.

"Let's see how the night goes," he put his arm out for her to take. "Shall we?"

"Do you want some tea before we go?"

"We have time," he checked his watch. "Sure."

Harm took off his coat and Mac went to the kitchen to get the tea. He drew the present from his pocket and tucked it under the tree. He had wrapped it himself but he hadn't put a card on there. There was nothing he wanted to say – well nothing that he felt he could express in a Christmas card.

Soon Mac came back with two cups and a plate of cookies.

"Not too many," she warned. "They will ruin your dinner."

They toasted. "Merry Christmas" each said at the same time.

There was a long moment of silence before Harm spoke. "It has been a very long year."

"Yes, yes it has."

"Hard on both of us in different ways."

"True."

"It nearly cost us our friendship," he offered.

"Do you think so?"

"I suppose it is not the year's fault as much as it is mine," he said with a profound sense of responsibility.

"Not all your fault," she said quickly. "It killed me to not be there to support you during that murder trial."

"I know," he said sadly. "You were following orders."

"Orders I should have broken."

"Some orders need to be followed for the good of all concerned."

"Some orders never should have been given," she told him.

Just then the phone rang. Mac nervously answered it. "Hello. . . . Yes, hi. . . . On our way to the Robert's house for dinner. . . . Harm is here," she laughed. "No, everything is fine. . . . OK, well, I'll see you when you get back. . . . Merry Christmas, Clay," she hung up.

Harm looked sad and worried. "I'm sorry. Should I not be here?"

"Why?" she was truly confused.

"I don't want to . . . you know, cause any problems with you and Webb."

She laughed. "Yes, you do."

"Maybe I do," he laughed too. "Could I?"

She sat down and looked at him seriously. "No, you couldn't."

He looked crushed. "Oh, I see."

"No, I don't think you do," she looked away. "I don't think you ever really have."

"Enlighten me." His voice drew her attention back to him.

"Harm, there was never anything between Clay and me," she told him. "Yes, he had feelings for me and for a while he thought they were more than they were. I was flattered and thought I felt more for him too. But in the end, all we had was a very intense shared experience. I will be forever in his debt, but that is all."

"That is all?"

She nodded. "I will be forever in your debt too and for many more reasons than this last time you saved my life."

"No – Mac."

"Harm, please. Things were so crazy in Paraguay and just kept spiraling out of control. I'm sorry I took that out on you."

"You're sorry?" he was surprised. "I was the one not being very nice. You have no reason to be sorry."

"I think I do," she went on. "And for more than never saying 'thank you.'"

"You didn't need to and you more than made up for it a couple weeks ago."

"Not even close. It was no way to treat someone that you --," she shook her head. "Thank you, Harm."

Harm sighed and walked to the window to look out. After a moment, "It's snowing."

"The forecast said that we would have a white Christmas," she said a little sadly.

He turned back to look at her. She was lovely. Her eyes shone in the fire light and the lights from the tree danced in her hair. "Mac, I don't want you to be in my debt."

"Not much we can do about that." A weak smile cut across her face.

"I didn't go to Paraguay to have you indebted to me," he stated.

"I know," she nodded. "I also know that you did not resign your commission for that reason either."

"No, no I didn't," he searched her eyes for a reason to make his next statement. "Do you know why I did?"

"Yes." The look in her eye said that she did know.

He smiled that smile so full of hurt and pain yet brave and true. "So here we are …" he laughed oddly. "I haven't felt this close to you since a year ago."

She looked sad. "A year?"

He nodded. "Exactly a year ago … at the Roberts on Christmas Eve … when –"

"Right," she cut him off. "I remember."

The evils of the prior year – at least as they pertain to Harm and Mac's relationship had been dealt with. They were still very tentative with each other. But it was so clear to both of them that they had something big that they needed to take that next step – say the words, make the declarations – just cross the line. Still they held back.

Mac looked down. Lying next to her on the couch was his jacket. She wanted him to have his Christmas present.

"Harm, open your present."

"Now?"

"Yeah," she slid over so he could sit next to her. "I hope you like it. I can't return it," she said with a smile as she handed it to him.

"No pressure," he smiled at her.

Harm carefully unwrapped the jacket. When he turned it over to see the Tyco Tigers emblem on the back words failed him. This could have been his father's jacket. She helped him into it. It fit like a glove, like it was made for him.

"Mac, this is --." Again words failed him.

"It fits you perfectly. I knew it would."

"This is fantastic. Where did you find it?"

"A little antique store I know in Virginia."

"Really – an antique store, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess it shows how old we are getting when something from our youth winds up in an antique store."

They laughed easily with each other. "Thank you. It is perfect," he kissed her cheek. "Well, I guess you better open yours," he said pulling the box out from under the tree.

"I can wait," she was trying to be so good.

"No, you can't," he knew her well. "Besides I want you to have it – although I have something else – if you like it."

She smiled. "And if I don't?"

"Well, then I will have to think of something else altogether."

She unwrapped the box. The necklace, earrings and bracelet were perfectly arranged in their original velvet case. Mac felt her throat tighten and her eyes well up. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She remembered the necklace from the antique store. It had caught her eye immediately that day she was there and she struggled with the idea of asking to look at it because it was so out of reach for her, but she had and she had tried it on. It was made for her. The last thing she had told the dealer when she asked him to put it away was that it was the kind of thing a man should buy for the woman he loved and not something that a woman buys for herself.

"How did you know?" she couldn't take her eyes from the box. "I didn't tell anyone about this?"

"Know what?" he asked. "I saw them and they called your name."

"Absolutely stunning," she could barely take her eyes off of the jewels in the case.

Harm laughed. It was nice to see that he surprised her. He did well. "Well, let's see if it fits," he took the necklace from the case and waited for Mac to remove the one she had on. Then he slipped it around her neck and fastened the clasp. Her hand was immediately at her throat feeling the weight of the stones. His fingers rested a moment longer than necessary before he let her go to inspect herself in the mirror in the bedroom. He thought to follow and then decided to wait.

She returned in moments completely internally lit. She almost glowed. "It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

"Then it belongs with you," he moved closer to her. "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

"Harm?"

He couldn't help himself. She was looking at him with a love he had been hoping to see reflected back for years. He had to take his chance. He leaned down and let his lips brush against hers. "Merry Christmas, Sarah," he whispered. His eyes closed and they folded into a kiss and an embrace that left them both weak in the knees. They hung onto each other for quite a while, neither wanting to let go.

"We should get going," he whispered into the nape of her neck.

"You are probably right."

"Aren't I always?" he said playfully.

"Not even usually," she played back. She washed with seriousness. "Thank you, Harm."

"It was truly my pleasure," he touched the necklace at her throat. "The other thing?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you allow me to take you to dinner and maybe dancing some night – soon – to properly show you off?"

"I would like that very much," she went to remove the necklace. "Then I should save it."

"Do you want to?"

"This piece of art needs the proper frame, and I am not dressed for that tonight." Harm was thinking that she could wear a sweatshirt or nothing at all and it would be the proper frame for that "piece of art" as long as it was around her neck. She placed it back very carefully in the case and looked at it for a long moment. Before closing the case she took up the bracelet out. She slipped it over her wrist and put it up for Harm to fasten for her.

Without further discussion they left.

**2353 – Viet Nam War Memorial**

Harm walked up with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his new jacket. He felt a closeness with his father as a man not as a son on this Christmas Eve. He finally understood what his father must have felt for his mother. He finally understood what a man feels for a woman – a woman he has a past with and a future with. The evening had been perfect. He and Mac were calm and easy with each other. There was no besting, no bantering, no one fighting to be on top. Their friends accepted them even though the change was not obvious to any of them.

Both Harm and Mac knew that there was a change and the change was as blatant as if it had been spelled out in Christmas lights. The year had taken its toll but they came out of it better than when they went into it. He had dropped her off with a safe kiss good night and a date for the next day. He had wanted to bring her to the wall with him, but there was also a part of him that wanted to relish the perfect night as it was and to have one more night with his dad.

He was now firmly convinced that the year that stretched out before him would be the answer to all his prayers and the start of a whole new life. He would court her, he would woo her, he would show her just how much he loved her, and when the time was right – he would ask her to marry him. He had nearly nine years of misunderstandings and wrong statements to correct; he would take his time and do it right. There was no need to rush anything – twelve months would be enough time to set their new life on the right course. Mac made it clear that she was willing to work toward that goal. When she returned the kiss good night – she made that perfectly clear. Throughout their relationship he thought she was looking or needing to hear a certain set of words - - - words he had no clue what they were. But that night no words were needed and they were perfectly in sync.

He bid his father a Merry Christmas and asked for his blessing and good luck wishes with Mac – with Sarah. In the wind he thought he heard his father say, "Go get her, son. It's about damn time." But that was probably just the wind.

**0018 - Rabb Residence **

Harm arrived home shortly after midnight. His movements were slow and deliberate. He wanted to feel everything that night and was glad he had not had too much "Christmas cheer" at the Roberts. When he opened the door from the stairwell he was not surprised to see her standing there waiting for him.

She turned at the sound of the door opening. There was a brief moment when she thought she should not have come, but the softness of his eyes convinced her that there was nowhere else she could have been.

"Sarah," he said more as a confirmation than a question.

"I like how you say my name," she sighed.

"Sarah Jane."

She smiled at his playfulness. "Not Jane."

"What is your middle name?"

"Maybe when I know you better."

"How much better can I know you?"

"Oh I think there are a few things about me that you don't know," she wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her lips very close to his.

"That sounds like a little bit of a challenge, Sarah NOT-Jane," he put his hands on her waist.

"Are you game?"

"As long as there is no fight for the top."

"Physically or emotionally?"

"Physically has always been up for grabs and that's the way it should be," he drew her completely to him and kissed her. They fell into his apartment and locked the door. There future started that Christmas Morning.

Merry Christmas Harm and Mac. May all your Christmases be bright.


	27. Christmas: Silent Night

**Title: Silent Night**

**By: LizD**

**Written: Christmas 2003**

**Spoilers: Through Mid-Season Nine Sans Mattie**

**Rating: PG-13**

**Wednesday, December 24, 2003**

**- - - 0136 EST, ****Shenandoah Valley near Bryce**

Mac let herself into the lodge and stamped her boots quietly to get the snow off. It was late – very late and she did not want to wake anyone. It had been a miserable drive up the mountain; snowing like a crazy, worse because she was alone, but there was no way to cancel. The entire JAG family and their significant others would be there (Harriet had booked the entire lodge for them) and AJ would be so disappointed if his Godmother wasn't there to see him ski for the first time. A Christmas skiing with close friends sounded like a fun and romantic idea a few weeks prior. As it turned out, she would have preferred to spend the weekend alone in her apartment with Swiss Miss and "It's A Wonderful Life" for the 100th time that season.

Mac hadn't planned on being that late; in fact she had promised Harriet to be there to help set up. Webb bailed on her - again. It was the ninth or tenth time he had canceled in as many weeks. If she had wanted to spend her nights, weekends and major holidays by herself or stag at some group event, she would have kept her cap set for Harm; at least then she might have gotten a 'platonic bowl of pasta' out of it on occasion. Mac was not so petty as to break off a budding romance because he had to break a few dates. The real reason – the logical, rational, sane reason she ended it: she didn't love him. In the end, Webb was out – not that he was ever in – but officially and permanently as of that night Webb was a man of the past. She made that clear before she got off the phone with him which is why she was late – long call.

The drive made her forget Webb, the annoyance at the questions she would have to answer about his absence and the fact that she was AGAIN going stag to a group event. Instead she focused on Harm. She had originally expected that the weekend would showcase a Harm that would be snippish, petty and rude to her with Webb there or not. But something had changed with him – something different – and not in a good way. Ever since that last time they went head to head in court, he had been different like something had clicked off or on in him. When he apologized to her for that nasty hurtful remark he said in open court, he meant it. When he apologized a few more times, she knew it was eating away at him. Then there was the night he came by her house to ask for a favor – he never got around to saying what it was. She barbed back and him and was snotty. Webb and her grand "NO US" statement in Paraguay were the main topics of that fight. He flew into a quick snit, tossed another really nasty statement at her and left. She tried to remember the exact words; it was something about not wanted her to screw it up - AGAIN.

After he stormed out, she knew she had made a huge mistake. She apologized the next day, and he looked like he accepted it. He of course returned the apology, but that was all. There was something that had gone out in him. He lost the fight. At least he lost it with her. For that past week or more he had been nothing but civil – not mean, not angry, not petty. She wouldn't go so far as to say he was NICE, but he looked – dare she say it – humbled. What worried her the most about his lack of Harmness, was that she had finally pushed him beyond the point of return. The dance was over and she had lost him. It was the loss of Harm that made it so easy to lose Webb … losing Harm would be something she would never overcome.

When Harriet first invited Harm, he was reluctant to agree. He didn't yet feel like he was part of the JAG family again. When he heard that Webb would be joining the group he canceled – or made it look like he was going to cancel. Mac had to convince him to come for Little AJ's sake. It was one of the most painful conversations she had ever had with him. She did all the talking and the hurt and pain in his eyes broke her heart. It would have been easier if he had tossed out his typical jibs and jabs, but he barely said anything. In the end, he promised he would go. He was not going to bring any one with him (for whatever reason) so he would be the only person there without a "date." As things turned out, she would be there without a date too. She had no idea what to expect from Harm. She assumed he would keep his distance. If they were to talk at all, she would have to push it. She decided to give it a couple of days and then try to have a real discussion. Maybe they could find a way to at least be colleagues again.

She stamped her feet one more time to get all the snow off. The main room was dark except for the light from the fire and the Christmas tree. She pulled off her boots, coat and gloves and moved to warm herself by the fire.

"How was the drive?" Harm's voice caught her off guard. She turned to see him. He was slumped down in a very large over stuffed chair with a snifter of cognac in his hand. He looked wide-awake and pensive.

"Horrendous," she said. "What are you doing up?"

"Waiting for you," he said casually.

"Me?"

"Yeah, was going to give you another thirty minutes before I went out to find you."

"I'm glad you didn't have to," she shook the snow out of her hair.

"Me too," he stood up and motioned for her to take his seat. It was the closest to the fire. "Come on," he said gently. "Got some Hot Chocolate warming for you too," he took her hand and led her to the chair and covered her legs with a blanket.

In a moment he returned with the mug of chocolate. "Thank you," her voice was soft to match his gentleness.

He sat down on the coffee table, took a short sip out of his glass and returned to gazing at the fire.

She got a little uncomfortable, like she was supposed to make conversation. "When did you arrive?"

"About an hour – two ago," he spoke in brief sentences.

"You got a late start too?"

"Was seriously thinking about not coming at all," he turned to her, his eyes shone in the firelight. "But I promised I would."

She knew that he meant that he promised her, but – "AJ will be very glad you did."

"Yeah," he looked back at the fire.

"Clay cancelled on me – again," she had no idea why she started that line of conversation, but it felt like a big fat elephant in the middle of the room.

"I guessed as much."

"He is a good man, Harm." Now she was defending him?

"I know," he agreed.

She watched him for a moment. His eyes never left the flickering flames. "Clay and I are just friends," she explained.

At that he turned to her. He tried to read her expression and then he asked, "Is that enough for you?" Again his voice was gentle and kind.

"With Clay, yes."

He nodded and turned back to the fire.

Mac still felt compelled to make conversation. "Looks like we will have fresh powder tomorrow."

"And a lot of it," he confirmed.

She was still confused; he apparently didn't want to talk. She wasn't sure if he wanted her to leave or not. "Do you know which room is mine?"

"Top of the stairs – third door on your right. It's open."

She paused for another moment before getting up. "I think I am going to turn in, it was a very long drive."

"Ok. Good night," he dismissed her. "Sleep well."

"You staying up?"

"For a little while."

"OK. Well, goodnight. Thanks for the Hot Chocolate," she took another sip. "And for waiting up."

He turned his face to hers and smiled sadly.

When she got to the top of the stairs she looked back, he had moved back to the chair and was sipping his cognac.

Mac unpacked, changed and was trying to settle in, but she all of a sudden she didn't feel sleepy. The fact that Harm was still up drew her attention downstairs. What was he really doing up? Would he have really gone to look for her? That was a stupid question, of course he would have. She just couldn't read him anymore. ANYMORE? She never could.

She wrapped her robe tightly around her and put on her warm socks and went back down stairs. Harm had not moved.

"Any more chocolate?" she asked softly, in case he was asleep.

"Sure," he started to get up, but she put her hand on his shoulder to let him know to remain where he was. "I can get it. Anything?"

He shook his head.

When she got back from the kitchen she sat on the couch away from the fire. It was cold in that part of the room. A chill went through her and she shivered. "Brr," she said softly.

"Come here," he offered but made no move.

"I'm OK," she shivered again.

He moved over in the chair to make room for her. "Colonel … don't make me pull rank."

She considered for a moment, and then did.

He tucked the blanket around her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. The chair was big enough for the two of them, but it would have been much more comfortable if they sat like lovers rather than estranged friends.

"Great fire," she said softly.

He sighed. She was not cooperating. He turned her so they fit better in the chair and pulled her back close to his chest wrapping his arms around her. That was how two people – two lovers should sit in the chair. "Sarah," his lips were close to her ear. "Let's not talk."

Now she understood. She relaxed into him. It was perfect. The fire. The Christmas tree. The snow falling. Being in the arms of someone you loved. The silence. It was perfect. The fact that it wasn't didn't matter. The fact that Harm and Mac had been at odds with each other for months – nay years, didn't matter. It was as if they were the last two people on earth and all that mattered was that they were in full physical contact. She could feel his chest rise and fall. She could smell the cognac on his breath. She could tell that he was completely relaxed with her in his arms. It was perfect or as close as it was going to get. Neither knew how long they stayed like that, but neither one made effort to move or speak.

She let her fingers caress his. His hands were rougher than she had imagined them to be. They weren't the hands of a man who did manual labor for a living, but he never shied away from doing a hard day's work. She traced a number of scars on his fingers and up to his wrist trying to imagine how each wound was inflicted. She imagined him as a little boy playing hard with his friends, or when he was recovering from the accident and working on Sarah. She imagined that at least one of them had to have an embarrassing story from his past probably involving a woman that he had never told her and probably never would. Then she imagined the gentleness of his touch. She remembered first shaking hands with him. It was firm and strong, but not over powering. She remembered times he had held her, helped her, bandaged her injuries. She remembered the electricity that shot through them when their hands touched the night of her engagement party. She brought the back of his hand to her face and rubbed it against her cheek. She imagined how his hands would feel on her. He slowly turned it over and caressed her face, his rough thumb outlining her lips as his long fingers traced under her chin. She nuzzled into his hand relishing the tenderness. The intimacy was almost too much for her; tears welled up in her eyes and spilled out on to his fingers. He turned her face up to his. Their eyes met in the firelight. Love, forgiveness and hope passed between them. Without a word their lips met softly, then parted. The resistance was gone; they had accepted their fate. The hard part was over.

They were about to seal their new understanding with a kiss when they heard a door open and close upstairs. Mac started to sit up, but Harm kept her where she was. Soon, they heard it again.

"Harriet checking on the boys," he breathed.

When all was still again, she turned completely to him. He kissed her again. A wave of desire washed over both of them. Harm was unsure how far he could pursue it – how far he should pursue it. Mac stood up. She reached her hand out to him and led him away from the fire and up the stairs to her room.

Before he entered, he kissed her with a tentative love and desire that he had held for her for years. It had never felt so right with anyone – ever, but he also knew that it could have been a little bit of the holiday blues that made him feel that way, or holiday spirits that lifted his inhibitions. As much as he wanted to follow through and knew that they would at some point, he decided that it was best to just kiss her goodnight and retire to his own room. It was too risky and maybe too soon to move in that direction. Everyone they knew was all around them and they hadn't really worked anything out – what they experienced was enough for one night. They had time … all the time in the world.

The door down the hall opened. Harm stepped back. Mac did not look as 'caught' as he would have expected her to look. The admiral came around the corner.

"Mac, I'm glad to see you arrived safely," he stated.

"Thank you, sir."

"Mac, I'm in my bathrobe and it is the middle of the night, I think it is alright if you call me AJ."

"Yes, sir."

He shook his head. "Goodnight you two."

The admiral headed downstairs. Harm smiled at her sadly and shrugged. He pressed her hand again quickly and retreated down the hall. His was the opposite way from where the admiral had come. She watched after him until he was out of sight. Mac went into her room and closed the door. She turned out the lights, but had not climbed into bed. Moments later she heard the admiral pass her door. She waited. Her desire had not faded and she didn't believe Harm's had either. Somehow she knew that if they were going to take this next step (and she knew they would), she had to make the move. As silently as she could she opened her door and slipped out. She made her way down the darkened hall toward where she had seen Harm go. There were too many doors, what if she got the wrong one? She felt her heart pounding in her chest and thought it was loud enough to wake the whole lodge.

At the end of the hall there was a light coming from one of the closed doors. She stood outside for a moment worried that maybe it wasn't his; maybe someone else was up at that hour. The floor creaked under her weight. She panicked. What was she doing? She turned to head back to her room – it was not meant to be. The door opposite from where she was standing opened silently. She knew it was him – from his height, from his smell, from so many things that she instinctively knew about him. The fact that she could not see him didn't matter. He took her hand and pulled her into his room. His mouth was on hers in an instant. He was as hungry for her as she was for him but their passion was checked in the silence of the lodge.

"Mac?" he asked as if this were her last out, her last opportunity to change her mind though his searching hands and lips were not really making it easy for her to say no.

"Who is across the hall?" she said breathlessly.

"No one. No one in this wing at all."

That was all she needed to hear. She led him away from the door. He untied her robe and let it fall. They kissed and descended to the bed to answer all the unasked questions, to confirm all the unsaid feelings, to finally agree both physically and emotionally and to finally put to rest the need to be on top.

**Wednesday, December 24, 2003**

**- - - 0843 EST, ****Shenandoah Valley near Bryce**

Mac awoke alone in her bed. She had slipped out of Harm's room before the snow covered dawn, before the rest of the house could stir, before Harm was awake. The few hours they spent together were more than she had ever fantasized about. Harm was a gentle, tender, generous lover. It was a softer side of him than she had ever known before. They were probably both a little reserved considering where they were and the holiday and the fact that is was the first time – but making love with him that night was the culmination of eight years of unspoken love. Accordingly, there were few words spoken and none of them were the words that she thought she had been waiting to hear. As she reflected on the experience, she realized that what she thought she wanted from him was so much less than he had to give. It was so much less than he gave. She had been making the mistake with Harm that she had made with all the other men she had known in her life – believing the words spoken and not trusting her own feelings.

The entire house was awake and full of life. She smelled coffee and breakfast cooking. People were talking and laughing. It was a very warm feeling. She wanted to stay in bed and just let the joy of the house surround her – she felt more alive that morning than she had in a very long time – but there was a little knock on the door.

"Auntie Mac?" AJ's voice called through the door. "Auntie Mac?"

"Come on in, honey," she said as she pulled her robe on.

AJ bounded into the room and she scooped him up.

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you little man. Are you ready to ski?"

"YEAH!"

Harriet came in. "AJ" She scolded. "I told you to let Auntie Mac sleep."

"It's OK Harriet. It's too beautiful a day to sleep away."

"Beautiful day?" Mac's bright smile took Harriet by surprise. "The storm has snowed us in. I guess it really came down last night, and another six inches in the last three hours alone. The state police don't think the roads will be open for a least a day or two."

"Then all the more reason to play," she put AJ down. "Go on, honey. Let me get dressed and we will build a snowman before hitting the slopes."

AJ cheered and ran from the room. Harriet looked puzzled and followed him. Something had clearly gotten into Mac.

A little while later, Mac came into the dining room. Nearly everyone was there: the admiral and Meredith, Mike Roberts and his roommate Kevin and his roommate's sister (aka Mike's Girlfriend) Cassie and her friend Tyanna, Tiner and his new girl, and Jennifer Coates and a young man who was clearly intimidated by the group, Sturgis and his lady friend Varese, and Bud, Harriet and the kids naturally. Harm was somewhere, she knew that, but didn't know where. She took an open seat at the table and poured herself some coffee. Chatting ensued: questions about the respective drives, the snow and the plans for the day etc. Harm entered from the kitchen with three plates in his hand. He dropped one down in front of the admiral and one in front of Meredith. The last one he placed in front of Mac – he evidently had heard her come down.

"Good morning, Colonel," his voice was friendly - friendlier than the others were aware of. "Sleep well?"

"Very well, thank you Commander," she smiled at Meredith, not wanting to meet Harm's eyes to give away anything. "Your famous pancakes I presume?"

"Infamous," the admiral corrected with his fork poised. After he took a bite, he nodded. "Not bad, Rabb."

"Thank you, sir."

Harm took a seat near Cassie. More chatting took place. It was a very nice group of people and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Mac stole glances in Harm's direction and even though he was not directly looking at her – some how she knew he was aware of everything she was doing and saying. Eventually it was time to head out to play in the snow. The admiral and Meredith agreed to clean up the breakfast dishes. Harm had slipped out some time in the commotion.

Heading up to Bryce to ski was out of the question; the snow was 3 feet deep on the roads. Other plans needed to be made: some had decided to cross country out the back of the lodge; others were talking about snow boarding or sledding. Mac had promised to make snowmen and angles with AJ so she was committed.

Sometime early afternoon, Mac had come back to the lodge to change her gloves, which had been soaked through. She stopped in the kitchen for some water. Harm came in behind her.

"Hey," he said. "Having fun?"

"AJ is loving the snow," she smiled back at him.

"Do you cross country?" he asked stepping closer to her.

"I do," she leaned into him and allowing him to rub her arms to warm her.

"Good, we leave in an hour," he claimed a quick kiss from her. "I know a great path that will take us by the lake and up the ridge with a view of the whole valley."

"Who's going?"

"Just you and me," he smiled sweetly and left.

**Wednesday, December 24, 2003**

**- - - 1325 EST, ****Shenandoah Valley near Bryce**

They were able to slip away unnoticed. About two hours later Harm and Mac crested the ridge that looked down over the crater that formed the lake. It was a breathtaking sight. Harm unclipped his skis and leaned them against a tree. Mac followed suit. They sat on a log and kept talking a minimum. Neither wanted to disturb the natural beauty and the silence between them was becoming more profound than any words.

"It's beautiful," she said softly. "Thank you."

He turned her face to his; he was not looking at the view – rather not the scenic view. "Mac?"

She leaned in. Their cold lips brushed softly. "This is going to be complicated," she said.

"This weekend?"

"Will it only last the weekend?" she was afraid to ask.

"I was hoping for longer than that."

"Longer?"

"Twenty or thirty years," he smiled slightly.

"Then it will get very complicated."

"I can live with a little complicated – for you I can live with very complicated," he assured her.

"Are you sure?"

"Never been more so."

"Harm?"

He kissed her. "Yes, very much."

"Can I ask?"

"Do you have to?"

"Just because I am curious," she waited for him to give her a sign to go ahead and ask. "Why now?"

He shook his head as if to say he didn't know, but the truth was that he did know. He had known that he wanted her and wanted to be with her since long before Paraguay, it wasn't until recently that he realized that keeping her at a distance over something so stupid as Clayton Webb was to deny his feelings – even his hurt feelings. When she had asked him to come that weekend, he had made up his mind that he would talk to her whether or not Webb was there. He would try to win her back or at least reestablish their friendship.

"Because too much time has already been wasted," he explained briefly.

She nodded to accept that answer and then thought differently. "However - whatever we went through to get to last night -," she looked out over the vista. "To get us to right here and now was worth it."

The sound of two other skiers approaching ended the moment for them.

**Wednesday, December 24, 2003**

**- - - 1630 EST, ****Shenandoah Valley near Bryce**

Harm came in through the kitchen after putting up the cross country gear. He needed something warm and knew that Harriet (or whomever had pulled KP duty that day) would keep fresh coffee going all day. There was a voice that pulled his attention out to the living room. A voice he didn't expect to hear. He took his cup and followed it. It was Webb. He was regaling the group with his harrowing tale of getting up the mountain which included the state police, two tow trucks and a helicopter. Mac was standing off to the side watching him, unimpressed. Her eyes locked with Harm's across the room. Nothing needed to be said or expressed. She didn't look sad or apologetic, embarrassed or worried. She was steady and firm – as if nothing had changed.

Webb was coming to the end of his story and Mac motioned for him to join her away from the group.

Harm watched as Mac, calmly and rationally told Webb whatever it was she told him. There was little or no outward reaction from him. He nodded slightly and never looked back over his shoulder at Harm. She made sure he understood her this time – made him say the words back to her.

The first time Harm and Webb had a chance to acknowledge each other was after Mac had walked away. Webb looked directly at him. There was no affect at all. He walked directly up to Harm and stuck out his hand. "Merry Christmas, Rabb."

"Merry Christmas, Webb." Harm shook his hand.

"Guess the best man won," he said snidely.

"You may not understand this … but it was never a contest --."

"Oh come off it," Webb retorted.

"And Sarah is not a prize to be won."

"I would have to agree with the last part … and because of that … because Sarah is so special … you will get no interference from me."

Harm smiled. He knew there was nothing that Webb could do to cause 'interference' … but he could try and it would only serve to make himself look like the fool.

"You are stuck with me for a couple of days … but I understand Harriet has a room for me … in another part of the lodge."

Harm nodded. "Enjoy your Christmas Clay." He walked away leaving Clayton Webb stunned. Who were these people who had taken over Rabb and MacKenzie's bodies? So different, so mature … so TOGETHER.

**- - - 2336 EST, Christmas Eve**

Harm was again sitting by the fire with the Admiral and Meredith. Mac had gone up earlier to read AJ a story and had not returned. Harm assumed she had gone to bed. Mike, Cassie, Kevin and Tyanna were playing cards in the dining room. They were loud and having a lot of fun. Tiner and his girl and Coates and her date were watching a movie. The house felt full of joy.

Harm finished his cognac and made his excuses and went upstairs. He walked by Mac's door, but it was dark. She must have gone to sleep. He smiled as he thought that she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and he was glad that he was able to have been responsible for that.

He entered his room. It was cold in there. He reached over to turn on the light and find the heater.

"Thought you would never get here," Mac's voice came from the bed.

Harm couldn't help but smile. "Waiting for Santa?"

"I have been very good."

"Seems like you are being a little naughty," he sat down next to her. "You know that pretty close to everyone is awake."

"That is exactly why I am here," she pulled him down to her and kissed him. "Trying to get you alone."

"Can I ask you something?" he asked.

She nodded, but pulled him in for another kiss before letting him finish.

"What happens when we get caught?" he finished his thought.

"Honestly? I think they already know."

"Really?"

"Really."

"And you are OK with that?" he asked.

"Harm, I am not ashamed of my feelings for you," she got a puzzled expression. "Are you?"

"No, just --."

"Just what?"

"Just enjoying keeping them private. I don't want Bud, Harriet, Sturgis – the admiral – Webb … to think they have a piece of us."

"I agree." She cocked her head. "You are not worried about Webb are you?"

"No … not at all," he smiled. "There is something else," he had to know.

"What?"

"What are your feelings for me?"

"You have to ask?" she tugged at his sweater. "I must be doing something wrong."

"No," he laughed. "You are doing everything more than right – but - -."

"What are you asking?"

"This is about more than being lonely at Christmas, isn't it?"

"You said it was," she confirmed.

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"Sarah, you know I love you, don't you?"

"I had my suspicions," she smiled.

"Did you have doubts?"

"Occasionally."

"Don't – don't ever doubt it – never again."

"I think that is the nicest Christmas present I have ever gotten."

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Harm. I love you."

She reached over and turned out the light. Sheets rustled and clothes were shed and tossed to the floor. A roar of laughter came from downstairs. Harm and Mac laughed. Then silence took them. They no longer needed words.

Merry Christmas to All … and to ALL a good night.

~!~!~!~!~!~!~

~!~!~!~!~!~!~


End file.
